Sasuke Uchiha and the Power of Lies
by Emerald Ashes
Summary: Welcome to Konoha, where existence is confusing, everyone is happy, and we all serve our benevolent God-King.
1. Shhhhh

**A/N: Hi guys! This is going to be a quick-and-dirty archiving of a fic that's been over on Spacebattles for a while now. There've been a few requests and frankly, I'm super flattered that anyone cared enough to bring it up. This needs some minor formatting, but otherwise, I'm getting this whole thing live FAST.**

**If FAST is not fast enough for you OR i****f you want to read my more recent works over on AO3, then details can be found on my author page. **

* * *

**Chapter 1: Shhhhh**

I walked down the road with my team.

This was a surprisingly difficult task. If I walked too close to Naruto, he would take it as a sign of aggression and attack. If I walked too close to Sakura, she would take it as a sign of affection and attack. Kakashi could kill me in a single blow, so I didn't want to be too close to him, either.

I hung back with the client, which was fairly pleasant. His face bright red, Tazuna spent his time muttering incessantly and glaring at every tree we passed. The man reminded me of my father, back before his drinking problem started.

"Bunch of idiot kids playing at ninja," the bridge builder grumbled.

While Tazuna's disappointment over receiving an untested genin team was reasonable, any one of us could have killed him in an instant. I'd already prepared several plans to do so, just in case.

"Hn," I said.

Suddenly, two enemy ninja sprung from the trees. Splinters filled the air.

Sakura jumped in front of the bridge builder, intending to use herself as a human shield. She was apparently unaware that the ninja could cut _through_ her.

Naruto chose the strategy of standing very still and hoping they could not see him. I saved his life, then reluctantly turned to do the same for Sakura. With all the real work done, Kakashi finally returned to the battle, dispatching the second ninja before I got around to it.

The others were shocked that our sensei had survived the first attack. That seemed strange to me…but I guess they'd never seen anyone cut to pieces before.

Kakashi said, "Sakura, good job protecting the client by using yourself as a human shield. Sasuke, good job protecting Sakura by using yourself as a human shield. Naruto, good job not flailing around for once. Not the best timing, but I'm glad you're working on it."

Naruto immediately began flailing around, face flushed with shame. He needed some sort of confidence boost, a reminder that we cared about his wellbeing.

I gave him a wide smile. "You alright, scaredy cat?"

…I should talk less.

"SASUKE!" Naruto charged towards me, only for Kakashi to casually grab the back of his shirt.

"You probably shouldn't move around too much. The enemy's claws were covered in poison. The more you move, the more it spreads," he said.

Naruto immediately froze up, eyes darting about wildly.

Kakashi turned towards the client. "Tazuna."

"Y-yes?" The bridge builder said, hiding behind Sakura.

"These ninja were trying to attack you. You didn't say that ninja were after you."

The client laughed nervously. "Heh, heh, well, they are."

"You probably should have mentioned that earlier," Kakashi said.

Sakura asked, "But why?"

Kakashi's forehead crinkled. "Because then we could have been better prepared. Also, we could have charged more."

"No, I mean, what has the bridge builder done to get ninja sent him?" she clarified.

Our sensei nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'd like to know that, too."

The bridge builder sighed. "A super dangerous man is after my life. His name is Gatou."

"Gatou?" Sakura gasped.

"Who's that?" Naruto asked through gritted teeth, watching our conversation out of the corner of his eye.

"He owns Gatou Shipping Company," Sakura said. "He's one of the wealthiest men in the world."

"Yes," the bridge builder said darkly, "but he also sells drugs and other illegal items, using ninjas and gang members to take over businesses and countries…"

The Land of Wave, an island isolated from the mainland, had fallen under Gatou's control. Their only hope to escape their lives of poverty and fear was the construction of a great bridge. Knowing that Gatou would send his men to kill anyone who threatened his empire, our client hired a team of highly underqualified children to protect him.

"This mission is way more interesting than I thought it would be," Kakashi said.

"And way more dangerous! We can't handle this yet," Sakura said.

"If you don't help me, I'll die," the client said. "My grandson will be crying, 'Wah! Wah! Where's my grandpa?' and my daughter will die alone and destitute. And everyone will say, 'This is all because of those horrible Konoha ninja.'"

Tazuna's plight really resonated with me. I, too, had lost a grandfather. And a father. And every member of my extended family, which included all of my neighbors.

"Hn."

"But Naruto needs a hospital," Sakura whined.

"It's okay," Naruto gasped, his jacket drenched in blood. "I cut the poison out."

"See? He's fine," Kakashi said, then leaned forward to peer at Naruto's wound. "…You should probably stop cutting, though. If you lose any more blood, you'll die."

Naruto began panicking, sending even more blood gushing from his body. Kakashi just turned around and continued down the road. Naruto didn't die, so I guess he was joking or something.

* * *

"I think an enemy ninja's hiding out there," Naruto said, squinting into the forest.

The birds weren't singing, typical of areas where ninja have recently traveled. Perhaps Naruto had noticed the silence, as well.

"Is he here?"—the blond threw a barrage of kunai into the underbrush—"Or here? No, no, he's probably over here."

Or maybe my teammate was just an idiot.

"Naruto, stop scaring Tazuna," Sakura said.

The client took another swig of sake. "Speak for yourself."

Naruto threw one last kunai, causing a squelch and a squeal. Kakashi reached into the bushes, pulling up a dazed, white rabbit by the ears.

"All of that over a stupid rabbit?" Tazuna grumbled.

I said, "Looks like Naruto caught dinner."

Sakura released a spike of killing intent, then laughed in an obviously fake manner. She always does that. "Oh, Sasuke-kun, you're just teasing, right?"

It's perfectly normal for a ninja to hunt small game while on a mission, and a good meal should never be passed up for something as trivial as a creature's "cuteness." This was just one of many reasons why Sakura would never be a good ninja.

But my mother always said that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.

I regarded her dully. "Hn."

Sakura seemed to take this as agreement.

Naruto, in contrast, really gets me. "Shut up, Sasuke!"

Kakashi, again, effortlessly prevented Naruto from tackling me. I'm not sure why Naruto didn't just make a clone and send that to attack. It wasn't a chakra thing. I've seen him make at least thirty-two of them. He just doesn't think tactically. I guess that's just one of the many reasons he would never be a good ninja.

Kakashi peered at the pathetic creature held in his _other_ hand. "This is a snow rabbit. They're only white during the winter, which allows them to hide among the snow. But it's summer. Unless…"

The jounin grabbed the bridge builder by the front of his shirt. "Tazuna, how long have we been walking?"

I shared a worried look with my teammates. Sakura spoke up. "Um, Sensei -"

A giant sword shot from the canopy. It wasn't moving particularly quickly, though. None of us dragged Tazuna out of the way, and he still managed to duck. In retrospect, one of us probably should have helped him.

Then again, I'm pretty sure looking after the client was Sakura's job.

A deep chuckle floated down to us as we rose to our feet with varying levels of grace. A heavily-muscled ninja leered at us from atop a tree branch. Bandages covered his crossed arms, common among taijutu users, and similar bandages hid half his face. This presumably wasn't an attempt to obscure his identity. He had too many other identifying features and carried himself with too much swagger for a man in hiding.

Kakashi cocked his head at him. "Hm. I know you. You're, uhhhh…Starts with an S. Maybe a Z? Zaku, Zamir, Zabaletta -"

"Momochi Zabuza. The Demon of the Mist," he growled.

"I knew it started with a Z!"

Zabuza said, "And you are Sharingan Kakashi."

That was an odd nickname for a non-Uchiha. It was pretty common for an Uchiha, though. Like my father, Sharingan Fugaku, or my mother, Sharingan Mikoto, or the baker, Sharingan Saki.

"That's me," Kakashi said, casually shifting his headband so that it covered the other eye. I had assumed that Kakashi had lost an eye in combat, but there was a normal eye hidden underneath. Except…

"The Sharingan," I whispered.

"Sharingan," Zabuza said.

"Sharingan," Sakura said.

"Sharingan," Kakashi agreed.

"What the heck is a sharingan?!" Naruto yelled.

I said, "It's a dojutsu that allows its users to read and defeat genjutsu, taijutsu, and ninjutsu. They can copy any technique, predicting an opponent's movement before it even occurs. But that's not all. The sharingan can do pretty much anything."

"That's about right," Kakashi said. "But, sometimes, it can do even more."

Sakura asked, "More?"

"Yeah, some people's Sharingans can do unique things, things that no one else has ever seen before and that don't even seem possible."

"That sounds like cheating," Naruto said.

"It is," Kakashi said.

Naruto continued, "Wait. Is that how sensei beat us up one-handed?"

Kakashi smiled wider. At least, I assume he was smiling. I still couldn't see half his face. "No, that's because you're all awful."

"A pity. I was hoping for a challenge," Zabuza said. "I'll just kill the old man, then."

The enemy nin leapt towards us, but jumped away as Kakashi intercepted him.

He stood still for a moment, chuckling again. "Maybe I'll get a real fight, after all."

We waited politely as Zabuza prepared his first jutsu, then disappeared amid a flood of mist. His voice drifted past us. "8 points. Liver, lungs, spine, clavicle vein, neck vein, brain -"

"FOOT!" Naruto shouted.

Zabuza attacked, a fairly typical response to Naruto talking. "It's over."

The Mist ninja was wrong about that. Kakashi fought him back and held a kunai to his throat. "Sorry, but I don't let my comrades die. Except that one time."

A second Zabuza sliced Kakashi in half, the captured one dissolving into water. But Kakashi was a water clone, too, and they ended up in the exact same position.

"It's over," Kakashi said.

He was wrong, too.

Apparently, both of them were—yet again—clones. Naruto said, "Is everyone a clone?!"

"Why don't we stab you and make sure?" Sakura hissed.

"Hmmmm…"

"Pay attention to the enemy, moron," I said.

Zabuza had trapped Kakashi in a water prison atop the lake. "Now, to kill the little kids."

"Alright, team, it's time for Operation: Be Worse than Trash," Kakashi announced.

"Does that mean that we run a…"

Naruto was cut off as Zabuza viciously kicked him. We all watched for a minute while Zabuza beat him up so badly that Naruto's headband fell off. The blond spent the next few minutes curled up in the dirt, staring at his hand. Zabuza shifted his sword around uncomfortably, noticeably debating whether killing someone so pathetic would reflect badly on him.

Eventually, Naruto attempted a suicide charge, only narrowly avoiding a horrible death. I was impressed by his tenacity, but then it turned out that he was just trying to steal his headband back, which struck me as petty and unprofessional.

Naruto grinned at me, acknowledging that Sakura would be entirely useless in this situation. "Sasuke, I have a plan."

Zabuza laughed. "Still playing ninja? You know, when I was your age, I'd already started killing kids. I'm _really_ good at it."

Sakura's eyes widened. "W-what?"

"In the Hidden Mist village, we had an unusual graduation exam. In order to become a ninja, you had to kill another student."

Sakura gasped. Tazuna gaped. I shrugged.

Naruto said, "Hah! That's nothing. I had to kill a teacher."

Wait, was that why Mizuki-sensei wasn't at graduation? And no one had seen him around for months? And we weren't allowed to talk about him, or even think about him, because there never was a Mizuki-sensei?

I brushed the thought aside. Now was not the time for treason.

Zabuza ignored Naruto, the only way to remain sane after prolonged exposure to the blond annoyance. "But, ten years ago, they were forced to change—"

Kakashi poked at his watery prison. "I'm not surprised. It seems like a very inefficient system."

"—when a young boy, who wasn't even a ninja, killed every student. That boy was me."

"I saw that coming waaaaaay back." Naruto attacked the water clone with a dozen freshly-summoned shadow clones.

About five seconds later, when all of them had been destroyed, Naruto said, "Sasuke!" and threw himself at me.

To be more precise, he threw himself while henged into a shuriken. This caught me completely off guard because I hadn't realized his "plan" until I caught him. I staggered slightly under the weight, seamlessly withdrawing my identical shuriken in the same motion. I then threw Naruto and the shuriken at Zabuza. My aim wasn't perfect, not shocking considering the circumstances, but I've always been pretty good at throwing unusually-shaped objects.

It's kunai that give me trouble.

Zabuza caught my shuriken and gloated for a moment before noticing that Naruto was about to slice him in half. I'd actually been aiming for the man's arm, but that worked, too.

Zabuza dodged that one, as well, while still maintaining the water prison. He only broke the jutsu when Naruto ended the henge and threw a barrage of kunai at his back.

Kakashi stood, casually adjusting his headband. "Huh. I guess it's time to take things seriously."

He then proceeded to thrash the other man using the immense power of the Sharingan. He dodged every blow, anticipated every movement, and even performed an S-rank jutsu that he'd never seen before. I watched him, eagerly taking in the battle. Yes. This was what I needed to defeat _that man._ This power…

Naruto washed on shore atop a raft of clones as Kakashi pinned Zabuza to a tree with his kunai.

"That, that isn't possible," Zabuza said. "You defeated me so easily…Can you see the future?"

"Yeah. You die," Kakashi said.

The Mist ninja was then pierced in the neck by several needles.

"…I saw that coming."

A hunter nin landed beside his corpse. "Thank you. I've been hunting him for some time."

Yet again, Naruto demonstrated his bizarre lack of knowledge about his profession and the world at large. As the moron grabbed and shouted at the foreign ninja, Kakashi leaned forward, peering into the eyes of the hunter's mask. "Naruto, let him go."

"Why'd we let him go?" Naruto grumbled as the hunter nin leapt away with the corpse.

"We can't pick a fight with Mist during some stupid C-rank mission, Naruto," Sakura said.

"It's at least an A-rank by now," I pointed out.

"…I don't have to pay for that, do I?" the bridge builder asked.

"That can wait until after the mission," Kakashi said, leaning down to rifle through Zabuza's pockets.

Wait.

"Didn't the hunter nin take Zabuza's body?" I asked.

"He'll be pretty upset when it turns into a log, later," Kakashi said. "It may be a hunter nin's job to protect their village's secrets, but we want those secrets. We earned them."

The jounin spread out a storage seal, nipping his thumb and sealing the corpse inside. "…And into the scroll he goes!"

"But how is the body still here? You didn't do a replacement jutsu," Sakura said.

"Right. That's a village secret…I'll tell you later." Kakashi then collapsed.

"Sensei!" Naruto and Sakura cried.

I tightened my lips, then wondered if I was being too dramatic. He was probably fine.

"I'm probably fine," Kakashi grunted. "Just chakra exhaustion. The Sharingan takes a lot of chakra. Also, I never train. Don't be like me, kids."

"We weren't planning on it, sensei," Sakura assured him.

"Good, that's good," Kakashi murmured as he drifted off to sleep.

With our commander indisposed, it fell to me to maintain order. "Naruto, you carry him."

"Wah?! Why do_ I_ have to do it?"

I raised an eyebrow. "There are more of you."

"Why don't we put him in a storage scroll or something?"

Sakura hit Naruto on the back of the head with Zabuza's storage scroll. "Because that would kill him, you idiot!"

* * *

It turns out that the bridge builder didn't warn his daughter that a team of ninja would be setting up camp in her home. She was pretty upset when we started a fire in the living room and only slightly less upset when we put the snow rabbit onto a spit.

"You're all gonna die!" the bridge builder's grandson yelled from the staircase, but none of us took the threat too seriously.

"Sorry about him," Tsunami said. "He's been going through some things, lately. After his father passed…"

I, too, knew what it was like to lose a father at a young age and then screech death threats at strangers. I gave Tsunami a nod of understanding. "Hn."

Naruto poked at the cooking rabbit with a stick. "So, what do we do now?"

"In the morning, we'll accompany Tazuna to the construction site. For now, I'm going to tell you the secret of the Sharingan," Kakashi said, lurching to a sitting position.

"Sensei, you're awake!" Sakura said.

"Of course. I never wasn't awake."

I'm pretty sure he was lying about that. "The secret of the Sharingan?"

"Everybody knows it," Kakashi said. "Well, not everybody, but everybody who's ever been on a team with a Sharingan user. So at least thirty people. There were more, but then most of them were murdered."

My eye twitched. One day, that man would pay. My face hard, I urged Kakashi to go on with a grim "Hn."

"Anyway, you know how the Sharingan is the most powerful of all bloodlines? It provides immense clarity of perception, allowing users to read lips from incredible distances, mimic others' movements, and determine the tactics of enemy combatants before they even twitch. It shows you the very nature of another's chakra so that you can steal their most brilliant techniques. It shackles demons to its users' will…"

We were all leaning forward by this point, eyes wide. The rabbit had started to burn, but none of us noticed until long afterwards. The Sharingan could inspire awe and fear in even the greatest ninja. This was my birthright.

"Well," Kakashi said, "it turns out that the Sharingan doesn't do any of those things."

The Sharingan doesn't do any of those…any of those…any…

"WHAT?!" I calmly inquired.

"Yeah, I was pretty disappointed, too," Kakashi said.

"But…but…"

This was impossible. It didn't make any sense. IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

"Then what _does_ it do?" Sakura asked. She was able to retain a level head because her plans to kill her evil older brother had not just been shredded by a thousand kunai.

Kakashi thought about it for a minute. "It's pretty good at genjutsu."

"I don't even know any genjutsu!" I said.

"Really? What are they teaching you kids in the Academy nowadays…or ever? I only attended for a year."

"Mostly history. Some math," Sakura said.

He snorted. "I never needed any of that."

"I knew it," Naruto muttered.

I said, "Not a single genjutsu…"

"Using the Sharingan is pretty easy. If you make eye contact with someone, then you can control everything they perceive until your chakra runs out. Unless they kai. Then it's useless."

Naruto spoke with the weight of wisdom. "That's dumb."

Kakashi shook his head. "Genjutsu can be the most powerful thing in the world if no one knows you use it. The important thing is keeping your opponent so busy that they never even consider that they're being tricked. If anyone learns that you use it, though, you're ruined. That's why the Sharingan's true ability is one of Konoha's most guarded secrets."

I looked at the other side of the room, where the client was cradling a bottle of sake and glaring at us. Kakashi followed my gaze. "Huh, didn't notice him over there, but that's fine. Tazuna is drunk. Drunkards can know."

I shook my head, eyes stinging. "Why would they lie to clan members? I always thought that all that stuff was true."

Our sensei ruffled my hair, eyes in a crescent that indicated a sympathetic smile. "Kids aren't great at keeping secrets. Besides, the Sharingan usually activates when you learn the true power of lies. Oftentimes, merely explaining the conspiracy surrounding the dojutsu is enough…Which reminds me, congratulations on getting your Sharingan, Sasuke."

I blinked. "What?"

"You got your Sharingan," Kakashi said.

"But I don't feel any different!"

"Not _at all_?"

I took a moment to examine the room. I couldn't read the label on the bridge builder's sake. I couldn't predict Naruto's sudden arm stretch until he was well into the motion. I glanced out the window, towards the sunny if shriveled garden, and "Gah!"

"It's really sensitive to light. You'll get used to it. At least, I assume you will. I never did." Kakashi adjusted his headband.

I said, "If your Sharingan bothers you, why don't you just turn it off?"

"I would, but I'm not sure if I can turn it back on again."

Sakura, who had spent the last few minutes chewing on her lip, asked, "Sensei, if genjutsu has to be a secret to work, then what about Kurenai—the Genjutsu Mistress of Konoha?"

Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow. "Kurenai doesn't do genjutsu. She uses the mokuton."

Sakura said, "But…"

"Shhhhhh. Mokuton."

Naruto said. "Can I—"

Kakashi raised a finger to his lips. "Shh."

We tried to change the subject several more times, but Kakashi kept shushing us. He only stopped when the client's grandson ran in shouting and he had to follow him out of the room to shush him.

* * *

**A/N: I know that Spacebattles had some concerns about bashing after the initial chapter, so...please keep in mind that this is a comedy about middle schoolers with knives. Even in canon, they're immature and pretty mean to each other until some good old-fashioned bonding via near-death experiences. It's a balancing act to portray that early brattiness through another bratty preteen's eyes. If you're on the fence at the moment, then I recommend that you give this fic a couple of chapters to find its wings. It gets pretty wild.**


	2. Building Bridges

**Chapter 2: Building Bridges**

"Kakashi-sensei, you're late!" Sakura and Naruto shouted.

Kakashi casually swung onto the bridge with his crutches. We had left the client's house at the exact same time and had even been slowed down by his injury.

When did we lose him?

He gestured towards the scroll on his back. "I went back for this."

"It's been three hours," Sakura said.

"And then I stared at the mist for a while, contemplating the meaning of life," he added.

"What are you doing with Zabuza's body?" I asked.

Kakashi chuckled. "Not his body."

He released a spike of chakra into the scroll. There was a loud crash as it released its contents. "His sword."

Kakashi replaced one of his crutches with the enormous weapon and squinted his eyes in a friendly fashion. "Sakura, I want you to have it."

"Wah? Why does Sakura get the sword?" Naruto asked.

"Because she needs a gimmick," Kakashi said.

Sakura said, "Huh?"

"Sasuke and I have the Sharingan. Naruto has his clones. The Sannin have their animal summons. What do you have?"

"I'm really good at the Academy Three," Sakura said.

Kakashi shook his head. "Everybody's seen those a thousand times. I can recognize the replacement jutsu before you finish the first seal. Once, I killed a guy so quickly that he reappeared in pieces. You need unique techniques, so that your opponent has to improvise."

"But…"

Kakashi said, "One day, someone is going to give you a nickname and there will be nothing you can do to stop it. Do you think that I wanted to be called Sharingan Kakashi? The Sharingan isn't my only technique, you know. Sometimes, I cover my hand in a ball of electricity and tear out people's hearts. I could have been Heart-Stopper Kakashi. That would have been cool. But, when I do that, there aren't usually survivors, so I ended up with the other nickname. At this rate, Sakura, your teammates will end up with names like Naruto 'The Swarm' Uzumaki and Sasuke 'The Uchiha' Uchiha, and what will you be? Sakura 'The Girl' Haruno? Sakura 'The Pink-Haired One?' Sakura 'Who's Really Good at the Academy Three?'"

I'm pretty sure that, in the situation Kakashi described, Sakura would never actually get a nickname because no one would bother to put a bounty on her.

"The point," Kakashi continued, "is that you need a gimmick as soon as possible. That's why you have to take the sword."

Sakura paled as Kakashi held out the seven-foot tall broadsword. "But I can't fight with something like that. It must weigh as much as I do."

Kakashi flung the sword at Sakura, and she collapsed under its weight. "Gah!"

He hummed thoughtfully. "Huh. I was trying to encourage you to have more faith in your abilities and not underestimate yourself. But I guess you estimated yourself just fine. Good job, Sakura."

We turned our attention towards defending the bridge builder and keeping watch for the additional assassins whom Gatou had likely hired. Eventually, Sakura clawed her way out from the under the sword and gained a lot of self-confidence from the experience.

* * *

The second day, Kakashi came to a realization. "The Mist hunter nin is probably going to attack soon, either to steal Zabuza back or to satisfy his inevitable rage. So I've decided to teach you kids how to walk on water. It might be helpful. There's a lot of water around here."

Kakashi leapt off the bridge, using his crutches to walk across the water. I suspected he no longer needed them but didn't say anything. That would be impolite.

We dove after him, bobbing miserably in the icy waters. He said, "First, there's a short preliminary exercise. More of a formality, really. Walk up the side of this bridge."

Kakashi stared at us for the next few minutes. I maintained eye contact, refusing to show weakness.

Finally, Sakura asked, "How?"

"You put chakra in your feet. I assumed that was obvious."

Naruto paddled over to Sakura, asking what chakra was. We spent months on chakra theory, back in the academy, and our entire career relied on it. At this point, Naruto had gone beyond stupidity into blatant attention seeking.

After a brief explanation, Naruto tried to run up the side of the bridge, only to immediately fall back into the water. During my first attempt, I overestimated the required chakra and sent myself flying. Sakura, after a little fumbling, tentatively walked up the bridge.

Kakashi watched Naruto and me as we leapt at the wall again and again.

"Wow, you guys are really bad at this"—he peered up at Sakura, waving from the top of the bridge—"Except Sakura. She's alright. SAKURA! DO IT ON THE WATER, NOW!"

The girl leapt down, immediately sinking into the sea with a surprised shriek. "Wow, she is really bad at this."

She might have fared better if there wasn't a seven-foot long broadsword strapped to her back.

Kakashi limped back to the top of the bridge while we continued practicing.

* * *

"Sensei," I called from my spot a few feet below the bridge's railing.

Kakashi peered down at me. "Hm?"

I stepped to the side as Naruto rocketed past, only to lose his balance and go toppling into the sea. "Are we related?"

"I don't think so."

"So, you're not…half-Uchiha or something?"

"No. My father was a Hatake. My mother was…Actually, who was my mother?" Kakashi stared into the distance long enough for me to lose my chakra control and skid half-way down the bridge.

Kakashi was muttering when I finally reached my prior height. "…No, no. That probably would have come up."

"If you aren't an Uchiha, then why do you have the Sharingan?" I asked.

Kakashi chuckled. "Oh, that's why you asked. It was a gift."

"An eye was a gift."

"Yeah," Kakashi said. "It's traditional to give someone a gift when they reach jounin-level. This was a really nice one."

I fell off the bridge again, passing Naruto on my way down.

"SENSEI!" Sakura shouted from atop the water. "I THINK I'VE FINALLY GOT THE HANG OF THIS!"

"That's good," he said. "Now run around the island without getting wet."

"I…" she noticed me watching and an unnerving glint appeared in her eyes. "I'll do it for you, Sasuke!"

Adjusting the sword on her back, Sakura Haruno took off running. It was at that moment that Naruto plummeted off the bridge and landed on top of her.

Kakashi amended his previous statement. "Without getting wet _again_."

Sakura got to her feet, viciously dunking Naruto on her way up, and continued her run. She disappeared into the mist.

* * *

With its close proximity to the sea and frequent rains, the Land of Waves had misty mornings, although it usually cleared up by afternoon.

The workers above had broken for lunch two hours ago, yet the mist remained. In fact, it had gotten heavier.

I sprinted up the side of the bridge, informing Kakashi of what I'd noticed. He said, "That's foreboding."

A senbon whizzed past Kakashi's shoulder. "So was that."

A voice came out of the mist, which was so thick that I could barely see Kakashi now. "To protect Zabuza Momochi. To work for him. To fight for him. To make his dreams come true. That was my dream. But that dream died when you killed him."

The mist shifted, revealing the hunter nin. He held a senbon between each of his fingers. They were a bit longer than the ones common in Konoha, I noted, and they looked as clear as ice. They would prove difficult to track in the still misty air. I asked, "Didn't _you_ kill him?"

"I merely stopped his pulse."

Kakashi tilted his head thoughtfully to the side. "That's an odd euphemism."

"He wasn't dead," the nin said.

"Well, I didn't kill him," Kakashi said.

"YOU PUT HIM IN THE STORAGE SCROLL!" Naruto shouted from the base of the bridge.

"In my experience, those scrolls keep things pretty fresh" –Kakashi pulled the scroll off his back—"We should check."

We checked.

Zabuza was definitely dead this time. Kakashi stuffed him back in the scroll, casually dodging the enemy ninja's senbon at the same time.

"You aren't a hunter nin, then," I said.

"No, I am a tool," he informed us, throwing another four senbon.

"Hi Tool, I'm Naruto," Naruto said from the side of the bridge. As always, speaking used all of his concentration, and he went toppling back into the sea.

"…You may call me Haku. As I was saying, I am a tool. With my master dead, my only purpose is to strike down the one who killed him. You, Sharingan Kakashi."

"A tool without a master just kind of lays there, or gets picked up by someone else. You might be thinking of a dog"—Kakashi leaned back, dodging a senbon meant for his throat—"Don't be embarrassed. I make that mistake all the time."

Kakashi seemed fairly nonchalant about the whole situation, but I preferred to avoid this battle. Haku seemed skilled for his age. He could not compare to…that man…but his movements were seamless and quick, his confidence unfaltering. I doubted my ability to defeat him on my own, and an injured Kakashi and regular Naruto would be of little help.

"You consider it honorable to kill a man nearly drained of chakra? A man who can barely stand without assistance?" I asked.

"No"—Haku paused—"But I do not believe Zabuza would have cared."

He threw another senbon, then said, "You are fast, Sharingan Kakashi, even without your dojutsu. It is your misfortune that I am faster."

Haku flashed through a series of hand signs. Ice mirrors suddenly surrounded Kakashi and me. The masked ninja jumped inside a mirror, and his reflection watched us from every direction. Senbon flew from unexpected angles as Haku jumped between mirrors. Kakashi snatched the weapons out of the air, occasionally flinging one back.

With the majority of Haku's attention on Kakashi, I attempted to destroy the ice mirrors. Setting them on fire had no effect, so I moved to more brute force methods.

"Naruto," I called, hoping he had successfully climbed the bridge. "Hit the mirrors from your side of the—"

Naruto leaned forward, invading my personal space. "What was that, Sasuke?"

"You jumped inside the trap," I said flatly.

"I wanted to help," Naruto said.

I smacked his shoulder with the butt of my kunai. "Why didn't you send a clone in?!"

Naruto scrunched up his face. "I didn't think of that…"

Haku's voice emerged from all of the mirrors at once. "You can protect yourself from my attacks. But can you protect your students, as well?"

The senbon began flying at all three of us. I would be fine, of course. Naruto would probably get himself killed. Moron.

"Of course I can protect them," Kakashi said, leaning over to grab a senbon hurtling towards my eye. "I never let a comrade die. Except that one time."

Despite the mask and bizarre distortion caused by a dozen of him speaking at once, I could hear Haku frowning. "You've mentioned that twice now. Is there something you would like to tell us before I kill you?"

Kakashi hummed. "Well, I guess. This is the story of how I got my Sharingan."

I raised an eyebrow. "As a gift?"

"As a gift," he agreed. "Y'see, I was about your age, and I had just become a jounin. So I got to lead my own team for once. There were two people on my team. Obito was an idiot. We argued all the time and hated each other but were also best friends. Then, there was Rin. She was the girl. Anyway, Rin got kidnapped and Obito insisted that we save her. We had a huuuuge argument about it -"

"You didn't intend to save your captured comrade?" Haku inquired. He was throwing significantly fewer senbon while Kakashi talked. He was the one who wanted to hear the story, after all.

"That makes you worse than trash," Naruto said.

Kakashi shrugged. "I was kind of a jerk back then. But we did save her. Obito even got his Sharingan while we were doing it, so that was pretty cool. Unfortunately, he copied an enemy's earth jutsu and accidentally buried himself alive."

I winced. "He what?"

"Yeah. Did I mention he was kind of an idiot? He killed the enemy, too, but it was pretty clear he was dying. As his dying wish, he asked me to take his good eye, the one that wasn't crushed under ten feet of earth. Rin was decent at medical jutsu and transplanted it…Wait, did I mention that I lost an eye earlier, during the battle? I should mention that, otherwise it would be weird that Obito wanted me to have his."

Naruto nodded. "Right."

"And that's about it, I suppose…Oh, wait. Rin never existed, so forget the parts that involve her. Actually, remember them, but without her in them."

I automatically edited the story as was necessary.

"I am confused," Haku said, his senbon attacks nearly halted. "If Rin never existed, then how did you successfully transplant the eye?"

Kakashi paused. "Let's see. Obito had one arm free and I had both of mine, so we must have figured it out between the two of us. Otherwise, how else would I have this eye?"

I added, "It's also possible that a different medical ninja accompanied them, one who was _not_ Rin, and she did the surgery. Kakashi might have forgotten about her due to trauma. Losing his teammate would be stressful, after all."

After a brief silence, Haku's reflections turned towards Naruto and I. "Do either of you have any last words?"

Naruto went on to explain how he was going to be the best ninja ever, despite the fact that he never applies himself.

"That is an admirable dream," Haku said. "I am the last of my clan. I was born in a small village in—"

Kakashi said, "Before we go any further, one quick question: Is anyone actually interested in this story?"

"A little," Naruto said.

I was the last of my clan, so I could really empathize with Haku. Perhaps he, too, had an evil older sibling whom he intended to murder. "Hn."

"That's a unanimous no," Kakashi said.

The senbon started flying again.

Kakashi drew us into a huddle. "I've figured out his strategy. He hides in mirrors and throws things at us."

"You're kidding me," I said.

"If only I was"—Kakashi then raised his voice so that Haku would overhear us—"Luckily, you can follow him inside. After all, you just unlocked your Sharingan."

At the mention of my bloodline, Haku automatically looked into my now red eyes.

* * *

I stared down upon my body, standing half-dazed in a prison of mirrors. The whole world appeared distant, the colors slightly dulled. The edges of my vision were blocked by a smooth, blue mask. I was looking through the ice mirrors…through Haku's eyes.

I returned to my senses when the first senbon pierced my leg. I dodged, clumsily at first, still distracted by Haku's view of the event. Soon, however, I noticed the angle at which Haku launched the senbon, the positioning of his fingers for different shots, and where his gaze focused when aiming at me. My movements became fluid, and I anticipated every throw.

But that did nothing to end his attacks. A single stumble could still land a senbon in my flesh. I imagined myself jumping away, far from my current location: how my body would twist in the air, the scratchy thud as my sandals hit the bridge, the confident smirk that accompanies a well-executed technique. I could _see_ it. So could Haku.

His icy senbon changed direction, chasing a phantom target.

I said, "Sorry. It took me a while to get used to so much information. But I'm ready to fight you properly, now."

In every ice mirror, the image of Haku leaned forward. "Oh?"

"You know about the Sharingan. It steals techniques," I said. "I've already stolen yours. Let's fight face to face."

I folded my hands into hand seals: "Ox. Dog. Ram…" and let Haku's memory fill in the rest. Hopefully, he wouldn't realize that I had activated the Sharingan _after_ he performed his jutsu.

My illusory self chased Haku for the next six minutes or so, then leapt outside of the trap with a laugh. "I think it's time you stopped hiding in those mirrors."

My hand formed the dispelling seal. I couldn't actually end the jutsu, but Haku—certain that the mirrors were melting around him—stopped feeding chakra into it as he leapt outside.

I kept my double on his heels as my real body escaped its now-melted prison and tried to catch up. Haku dodged the illusory attacks easily, jumping to the side, then backwards.

His final leap sent him hurtling into Zabuza's sword.

"How fitting," Haku muttered as his blood fed the blade and christened the new bridge.

Sakura, whose arms were violently shaking with the effort of holding the sword, dropped it and the dying ninja onto the stone. In the mission report, I would claim that I had blanked Sakura out of Haku's vision, but honestly? Nobody had noticed her.

I'm not a total moron, so presumably she had successfully snuck up on us. She had clearly been practicing since the last time she tried to kidnap me.

"Good job, everyone," Kakashi said, dragging over Zabuza's scroll. "We got two whole ninja corpses. That's really good for a C-rank mission. It nearly beats my record."

Sakura fell to her knees beside the dead ninja. "I didn't mean to kill him…"

She leaned over Haku, gently removing the mask, then gasped. "A kunoichi?"

Kakashi peered at the thick lashes and delicate features. "Huh. I guess Haku was a girl. That probably would have come up if we'd let her tell that story."

"She was so strong," Sakura whispered.

"Hn."

Sakura stared down at the mask while four Narutos pried Haku off of the sword and rolled him onto the scroll. Eventually, in a wildly inappropriate and unprofessional gesture, Sakura placed the mask on her face.

* * *

By the second week of bridge building, half of the workers had quit because of the ninja attack. Or maybe they died of starvation. I never asked.

Naruto had taken over their duties. If you called for him, all forty clones would turn to stare at you. That was disconcerting, so we avoided talking to him as much as possible. This was only a slight change for me, but a welcome one.

Sakura, meanwhile, had kept Haku's mask. When her face was visible, she would be her usual, giggly self. As soon as the mask hid her face, however, she would become cold and withdrawn, periodically muttering to herself. This new Sakura struck me as much more sincere.

Kakashi, on the mend from his chakra exhaustion, had returned to reading porn in public. Of course, he hadn't turned a page in the last two hours, so maybe he actually was supervising.

"Kakashi-sensei!" forty Narutos shouted.

I hissed, grabbing my ears. Sakura whipped off the mask to yell at him. "_One_ of you can talk. One."

One of the Narutos stumbled over, gasping. "They took Tazuna's daughter and grandson."

"Why didn't you stop him?" Sakura snapped.

"They kept popping us," Naruto said. "I barely escaped with my life."

"The _real_ you wasn't there?"

"We thought twenty of us would be enough"—he looked haunted—"We were wrong."

"You are such a moron!" Sakura elbowed him to death, and another took his place.

"Sakura?" I said.

Sakura turned around with an adoring smile. "Yes, Sasuke?"

"We should deal with the kidnapping before we talk about what an enormous idiot Naruto is."

"Hey!" the new Naruto said, completely missing my point about prioritizing. Idiot.

Kakashi said, "I think Sasuke's right about this one. We should probably save the hostages first."

"You kids were a waste of money," Tazuna slurred. That was a typical comment from the bridge builder, so I didn't realize anything was wrong until Sakura's eyes widened.

I turned around to find an army of mercenaries at our back. They held Tazuna, his daughter, and his grandson hostage. A man stood in front of them. He was short but well-dressed, wearing a tailored suit and sunglasses that made no sense in the current climate.

"Heh, heh, heh," he laughed. "Ninja. What's the use of them? Can't protect you, can't even kill a few measly kids."

"We're not kids," Naruto whined.

The man, Gatou, lazily surveyed the bridge. "Men, kill the bridge builder and his family, then plant your explosives. I want this finished today."

We stole back the hostages before they could be harmed, setting them within a protective circle of Naruto clones. Sakura put on her mask. I didn't even bother activating my Sharingan. We then dove, kunai-first, into the sea of mercenaries.

What followed could only be called a massacre…actually, I don't like that word. Let's call it a slaughter.

"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said as she slammed her kunai into a mercenary's stomach. "Why aren't you helping?"

His eye darted around the scene. "I'm waiting for the ninja."

"There are more?"

"Of course there are," he said. "Only a lunatic would try to kill ninja with regular mercenaries. This is obviously a distraction for when his hired ninja show up. They'll be here any second, now. Any second."

* * *

"Aaaaaaany second," Kakashi muttered four days later, as we rowed across the sea towards Konoha.

"I don't think they're coming, sensei," Sakura said.

"Hm. You may be right"—he paused for a moment—"That would have been the perfect moment to attack, so we're probably fine."

The jounin stared into the water, occasionally whipping his head up as if to catch a surprise attack. Tazuna had wanted to name the bridge after him, but Kakashi refused the offer because he is afraid of bridges. They remind him of the war.

That's why we had to take a boat home even though we just built a giant bridge.

In the end, Tazuna ended up naming it after me. Well, sort of. They called it the Great Gatou's Head Bridge.

Kakashi said, "You guys did a good job. You beat two powerful ninja, and I barely helped. I think I'm gonna make you all jounin."

Sakura gaped. "Can you do that?"

"Sure, we used to do it all the time. Besides, I was a jounin when I was your age. I don't know why you guys are so behind."

* * *

**A/N: ****Haku is male in this fic.**


	3. Keep Your Enemies Close

**Chapter 3: Keep Your Enemies Close**

Kakashi leapt from a tree above the training grounds. "It turns out I can't actually do that."

"YOU'RE LA…Do what?" Naruto asked.

"Field promotions. Apparently, we haven't been able to do those since the war, and—even if we were at war—that was still the wrong situation for it. Also, I should have made you all chuunin first."

"I'm still a genin, then." I'll admit to some disappointment.

"Not for long," Kakashi said. "I signed you three up for the Chuunin Exams, and you have to win the whole thing or I'll be really embarrassed."

"But we can't possibly be ready for the Chuunin Exams!" Sakura cried. "We've only completed one C-rank mission."

"After he got all those corpses, the Hokage changed it to an A-rank. We just sent Tazuna the bill," Kakashi said.

Sakura trailed fingers through her hair and grabbed the edge of her mask, fingertips white. "We nearly died."

"But you didn't. That's a good quality for a ninja," Kakashi said.

"I can't even lift Zabuza's sword, and I still only know the Academy jutsu. How am I going to beat a bunch of foreign ninja without any real techniques?"

"Good point." Kakashi disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

"We're not ready." Sakura huffed, hitting Naruto to relieve frustration. He disappeared in a puff of smoke, and she toppled into the dirt. "Huh?"

After about forty seconds, Naruto wandered over with a bowl of ramen. "Hey, guys."

"Naruto, why were you a clone earlier?" Sakura asked.

"I didn't want to wake up, and Kakashi was going to be late, anyway, so I had a clone do it," Naruto said. "Want some ramen?"

Sakura released a spike of killer intent, politely refused, then stomped off. There was something deeply wrong with that girl.

* * *

The next morning was beautiful. The Hokage Mountain glowed a fierce orange beneath the blue sky, foreign genin teams poked and prodded at local delicacies, the Anbu watched us piercingly from the rooftops, and Kakashi Hatake was late.

He had specifically requested we arrive an hour early at a different training ground than usual. This at least provided a change in scenery while we waited. We were half-way up the mountain, with a decent view of the village, which put us in a good position to defend against unexpected attacks. There were, however, some drawbacks to this location.

"Oh, Saaaaasuke!" Ino cooed. "I found the loveliest flower on the hill—"

Sakura body-checked the blonde, an unnerving smile frozen on her face. "Guys give flowers to girls, not the other way around. I guess you wouldn't know that, since you're so mannish."

"Sasuke deserves gifts. Don't you, Sasuke?" Ino said, shoving something sweet-smelling towards my face.

I gazed at the village below. Hopefully, if I deprived them of attention, they would go away.

"Sasuke wants a girl who knows how to be feminine."

Ino smirked. "Then why are you even trying, with that boyish figure of yours?"

Thankfully, Sakura and Ino focused most of their energy on each other, which greatly decreased their attacks. For my safety, I periodically encouraged their rivalry.

Sakura tore the flower from Ino's hands, flinging it over the mountain. She smugly watched it flutter away, then said, "Bet I can catch it before you can!"

"Don't make me laugh, Forehead!"

They sprinted towards the cliff, shoving each other all the while. They both leapt down, but Sakura kicked against the cliff face and stuck there, watching Ino descend with a smirk. "She is gonna be so mad when she climbs back up here."

I turned my attention to the rest of Team Ten. Their sensei, Asuma, seemed more concerned with his cigarettes than his students. Choji had wandered over to the cliff side, peering down at the screaming co-president of my fan club while munching on chips. Shikamaru was asleep. Or pretending to be asleep. I doubt he actually managed to sleep through Naruto's shouting.

"Shikamaru? Shikamaru?" a Naruto clone bellowed into each of his ears. This had been going on for the last sixteen minutes, and it was starting to grate on my nerves.

"Shikamaru, are you awake, yet?!"

"I doubt you'll get him up that way, kid," Asuma said. "Shikamaru will go through a hell of a lot of effort to be lazy."

Naruto sat up. "You're right."

That's when he pulled out the explosive tags.

Asuma's eyes widened. "Whoa, that is not what I—"

The tag went off right in my teammate's hands.

Naruto had finally killed himself with his own stupidity. I had always assumed this would happen, but I still felt kind of uncomfortable with the situation.

Then, Naruto and the Naruto beside him disappeared in a puff of smoke, so I guess they were clones.

Shikamaru leapt away from the blast, and a boulder transformed into Naruto. "I knew it! You were awake the whole time!"

"You got me." Shikamaru lied back down, eyes on the clouds.

"But don't you want to do something fun?" he wailed.

"Yes. Sleep."

"Shikamaaaaaa-"

"Naruto, stop shouting!" Sakura shouted.

"She has a point," Kakashi said. I'd known that he was hiding there for at least one minute and twenty seconds, but my teammates were stunned.

"You're late!" they yelled.

I was always confused about why they always did that. It's not like he didn't know.

Kakashi chuckled, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "Sorry about that. I was helping an old lady cross the street. The next thing I knew, it was three hours later, and I was cleaning out a shopkeeper's gutters. We must have had some sort of agreement because he paid me and knew my name. I don't know his, though, so I guess I can never go to that district again. I'll have to find a new grocer...and apartment."

"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" Sakura asked.

Kakashi appeared deeply troubled. "…But, if I don't go back, how will I get my stuff?"

Naruto bounced over. "We can get your—"

I had no intention of doing a D-rank mission for free, so I tackled him before he could complete the offer. He disappeared beneath me. Apparently, that one was a clone, too.

"Maybe with a series of pulleys…"

"What are we doing today, sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Right, right," Kakashi said. "We're going to prepare for the Chuunin Exams."

Sakura played with the lip of her kunai pouch, still visibly nervous. "By training with Team Ten?"

"What, and show them all our tricks?"—Kakashi shook his head—"No. I'm going to teach you some things."

We were all pretty excited about that. Kakashi, despite being our teacher, had an aversion to teaching.

"During every Chuunin Exam, there is some point during which the teams will have to fight each other. You may be tempted to attack the most powerful team, to assert dominance, but it's best to go for the weakest. For instance, Konoha is fielding three fresh genin teams—"

Sakura gripped the handle of a kunai. "Wait, people will be going after us?"

She clearly needed encouragement.

"Don't be a coward," I said.

"We'll win this thing, believe it!" Naruto said.

"You're practically jounin," Kakashi said, "but that's no reason to be overconfident. First, we must study your opponents. For instance, consider Asuma's team."

"Sensei, they're right there," Sakura said. "Eavesdropping."

Asuma nodded at us, Choji waved, and even Shikamaru cracked open an eye.

"That's fine," Kakashi said. "This way, no one can accuse us of conspiring against the village. Anyway, I get the impression that Asuma doesn't actually teach his team. He mostly smokes and plays board games, which is a huge waste of time. I don't know why he doesn't just arrive late, if he's not going to do anything."

Asuma flung his cigarette at Kakashi, who casually dodged.

"This means that his team will be reliant on their clan techniques. So let's assume they can do everything their fathers can."

"Ino can fling her soul into other people's bodies, but that leaves her own body vulnerable to attack," Sakura said.

"Exactly. But it's vital to note that any damage done to a Yamanaka's stolen body is reflected on their real one. This is one of the few cases where attacking your teammates can help you win," he said. "Also, some of their more advanced jutsu can completely ruin the minds of those they inhabit, so watch out for that."

I eyed Ino warily as she finally hauled herself off of the mountainside. She took this as a sign of affection and blew a kiss at me.

"Shikamaru does stuff with shadows," Naruto said.

Kakashi nodded. "Stay away from shadows. Try not to have one, if possible."

"What about Choji?" Sakura asked.

Kakashi squinted at the chubby boy, who had just finished his third bag of chips. "He has the eyes of a killer. Avoid him."

He then raced down the mountain. After a moment of confusion, we followed.

* * *

Kakashi leaned against a building, staring at a dango stand where Kurenai and her team were eating. In between bites, Team Eight glanced nervously back at Kakashi.

"We're eating lunch?" I said.

"No. Maybe. Soon," Kakashi said. "First, we must observe the competition."

Hinata flushed red. "G-good afternoon, Naruto."

Though her pathetic crush on Naruto reflected poorly on her character, Hinata was one of the few kunoichi I could stand. After all, she hadn't tried to kidnap me, kiss me, or trick me into marriage yet, which I really respected. To maintain her apathy, I tried to ignore and avoid her.

Naruto waved, putting his whole arm into the motion. "Hi, Hinata!"

Sakura smiled at the team, and I turned to Kakashi. "Is there any reason we have to be within their earshot for this?"

"I don't know any of these people very well. I can't forget to mention someone if I'm looking at them," he said.

I said, "Do we have to be so obvious about it?"

Kakashi chuckled, ruffling my hair. "They're a Tracker Squad. If we hid and they discovered us, it would make us look bad, as an Assassination Squad."

Sakura blinked, then shoved her mask over her face. "We're an Assassination Squad?"

"The only thing we've done so far is kill ninja and political figures. Admittedly, I'm not sure if that's what we were originally intended to do. I never read your Academy profiles, and it's too late now."

Naruto nodded grimly.

After a few moments of silence, Kakashi said, "The trouble with this team is that Kurenai actually teaches them things—or so she claims. As such, we must assume that any member of her team might possess the Mokuton."

"Is that…a euphemism?" Sakura asked.

"What would it be a euphemism for?" Kakashi replied.

"Um—"

"Shhh."

Kakashi made periodic shushing noises for the next few minutes, before saying, "I've never understood the Inuzuka. Instead of teaching their dogs to talk normally, they learned to speak dog. Who does that?"

"The Inuzuka," I said flatly.

"Right," he mumbled. "Now, I'm not sure if this rumor is true, but I've heard that the best way to defeat an Inuzuka is to maintain eye contact and speak to them in a stern voice."

Sakura snorted. "They aren't _really_ d—"

"Shino controls bugs. Some people say his whole body is full of bugs," Naruto said.

Sakura shuddered. "That one might be true."

"I can set them on fire," I offered.

"Good. I like how you're coming up with your own solutions. That's the kind of thinking I would expect from a group of jounin," Kakashi said. "Next: the Hyuuga girl."

I had been very attentive during our Academy class on eye-based bloodlines. I said, "The Hyuuga have a doujutsu that improves their vision, allowing them to see others' chakra points. They can block an opponent's chakra flow through quick, chakra-infused hits."

Kakashi hummed thoughtfully. "Most people go for the Hyuuga's eyes, so they'll be expecting that. You'll want to cut off their hands. You should also keep this in mind for the other Hyuuga in this year's exams. He's on my eternal rival's team."

"Your eternal rival?" Naruto asked.

"Gai isn't in the village right now, so we can't spy on him. If his team does better than mine, he'll be one up on me, which wouldn't be right because usually I_ let_ him win."

"Who else is on his team?" I asked, mentally juggling several murder plans.

"I forget." Kakashi gestured for us to walk with him.

We passed a group of bickering Grass-nin. The girl lost her argument when she turned to gape at me.

"Don't worry about Grass," Kakashi said. "They'll probably get themselves killed during the First Stage of the Exams."

Sakura asked, "Isn't that the written test?"

"It always has been," he agreed. "Now, every Chuunin Exam has at least one blood-thirsty psychotic. It looks like Sand sent theirs this year. He's right over there."

He gestured towards a team of ninja comprised of a girl with a large fan, a boy with a large gourd, and a boy with a…corpse, or something, strapped to his back.

"The one that's glaring at us?" I said.

"No, not him. The one with the face paint and weird hat. Why would he hide his hair and face?" Kakashi said, stroking his mask. "Who is he, really?"


	4. Aside: Sakura of the Mist

**Aside: Sakura of the Mist**

Sakura's first kill was an accident, a fluke, the sort of thing you expected from _Naruto, _not someone who was supposed to be smart. Sure, she'd made up for it afterwards with all those mercenaries, but still…

She felt bad about killing that hunter-nin. She couldn't even kill a_ bunny_ without feeling weird. What kind of ninja was she?

She should just quit. Just go up to the Hokage and…

"Have some self-confidence," her inner self groaned. "Besides, we can't quit. We tried already, remember?"

How old had she been? Six? Seven? She had been attending the Academy, but she hadn't befriended Ino yet. Sakura had exploded into tears and been pulled aside by Mizuki-sensei.

Wait, no. She didn't mean Mizuki-sensei, she meant her…imaginary…sensei. Whose name was Mizuki.

"Look, kid," Mizuki-sensei had said. "Y'know how nobody else in the whole damned world has pink hair?"

Sakura had released another sob, reminded that she would never fit in anywhere.

"The medical ninja think it's because you're some sort of freaky mutant. It's possible you have other mutations—"

"Is that why my forehead's so big?!" Sakura had cried, red eyes round.

He chuckled. "Blame your parents for that one, kid. I'm talking about useful things. Like, a new bloodline or something. But we'll never know for sure unless you become a ninja and find out. That's why you can never, ever quit."

Then, he implied that, if Sakura stopped being a ninja without the Hokage's permission, she would disappear, and no one would ever talk about her again…or, he would have said that if he had ever existed. Which he did not.

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT HAPPENED TO MIZUKI-SENSEI?!" Inner Sakura roared.

"Quiet," Sakura snapped, shoving her inner into a tiny box. She could come out later, when she stopped telling lies.

Despite the advice she had received…from a sensei whose name did not begin with the letter M…there was simply nothing unique about Sakura. She worked hard, studied, showed up on time to every training session (regardless of Kakashi-sensei's lateness), lifted Zabuza's sword high in the air and held it there until she felt dizzy.

But there was no rush of insight. No innate genius. No cool mutation to help her along.

Naruto had his stupidly-large chakra reserves. Sasuke had his eyes and was absolutely perfect. Shikamaru, Choji, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, and Ino-pig had their clan techniques.

"Haven't seen _them_ killing A-rank nins," Inner Sakura crowed.

Sakura squeezed her eyes shut, crushing the box until it was so tiny that it very nearly wasn't there. Of course, she could still hear her inner's muffled protests. Ugh, what a pain.

With her eyes closed, Sakura heard a small, sharp sound just outside her second-story window. She slid the hunter-nin's mask on, breathing deeply and silently to regulate her heart.

There was no need to fret. If it was an intruder, she would kill them, and she wouldn't feel bad about it even a little. She wasn't dumb, confused Sakura right now. She was the hunter-nin. She lived for the hunt.

She jumped to her window, slamming it open with her unarmed hand, and twisted her head upwards.

"Yo." Kakashi reclined on her roof, attention fixed on his dirty novel. He turned another page.

"What are you doing on my roof?"

"I get the impression you don't want to die in the Chuunin Exams, but you haven't really done anything about that."

Inner Sakura growled; Sakura merely glared. "I—"

"No need to apologize. It's my fault. You don't have any ninja family, presuming they aren't deeply undercover, and you don't strike me as the type to steal forbidden techniques. Really, I should have done this sooner."

Sakura experienced a sudden feeling of dread. "This?"

Kakashi catapulted into her window, and she barely avoided being kicked in the face. "You must become the new me."

"WHAT?!"

"You're not as pretty, of course, and much smaller," Kakashi said, "but I'll teach you how to tear a man's heart from his chest. If you play your cards right, they'll call you Heart-Stopper Sakura."

"But I don't—"

Kakashi leaned forward, tapping her demonic mask. "That's not the mask I would have chosen, but it works. Getting grey hair dye should be simple enough, and you'll need to cover one of your eyes all the time, for authenticity's sake—"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE THE NEW YOU!" Sakura shouted. "I've, um, been thinking about this, actually. A proper three-man team consists of a close-ranged, long-ranged, and support fighter. Sasuke's Sharingan makes him support, and Naruto has been getting creepily into explosives lately. So I guess I have to do taijutsu."

Kakashi peered through her eyeholes intently. "Are you sure?"

"Y-yeah?" Sakura was well aware that she didn't sound sure right now. "I figure it could complement my kenjutsu, if I decide to keep Zabuza's sword."

Kakashi pulled out of her personal space, slumping in defeat. "Fine. I'll get the jumpsuit."

He had already leapt out of the window by the time Sakura could form a response. "The what?"

* * *

The jumpsuit was long and rubbery, bright green from neck to ankle. Sakura had never seen anything so ugly in her life. "I am not wearing that."

Kakashi raised his uncovered eyebrow. "You're not very serious about this taijutsu thing, are you?"

"What do you mean?"

"This is what all the great taijutsu masters wear," Kakashi said. "Not wearing this could severely limit your potential."

"Did it just wave at us?" Inner Sakura squeaked.

Sakura crossed her arms. "I'll take my chances."

"Fine, fine. I'm not great at taijutsu, but I can teach you how to use a sword. Once you've mastered that, we'll see what we can do with that monstrosity." Kakashi gestured towards her bed, where Zabuza's sword had been lovingly placed amidst her sea of stuffed animals.

Sakura sighed. "Yes, sensei."

"Meet me at the training grounds in five minutes."

Two hours later, they began their lesson.


	5. T&I Gets Boring After the Fifth Time

**Ch. 4: T&I Gets Boring After the Fifth Time**

We were back at the Academy.

But instead of the humiliation and failure that our team had once feared, we had come to advance in our ninja careers. The First Stage of the Chuunin Exams would be held on the third floor, and—despite Kakashi's attempted interference—we had managed to arrive _early_.

The chuunin at the front desk sent us upstairs with a jerk of the head and a grunt, a far more cheerful greeting than when we were students.

"I feel dizzy." Naruto rubbed at his head as we paused in our ascent up the stairs. Through the second floor door, I could hear a crowd of applicants shouting to be let into a room.

I said, "That's because you're in a genjutsu, moron."

"How do you know that? Is it your Sharingan?" Naruto said.

"I haven't even activated my…"

I paused.

This was a good opportunity to build my reputation. I activated my doujutsu and strode towards the crowd. "It's a genjutsu. I can see right through it with my Sharingan."

"Showoff," Kiba said.

"So cool," Ino whispered, the red-haired Grass-nin beside her nodding in agreement.

"Also, the space between the 3 and the 0 is slightly larger than should be expected. Such an obvious flaw should have been enough to tip off anyone who's observant," I said. "Frankly, it's embarrassing you were held up so long at a trap clearly meant to weed out the weak. After all, genjutsu never works on competent ninja. That's why no one uses it."

With that, I turned to rejoin my team, where a masked Sakura was muttering angrily to herself. We were interrupted by a shouted "Wait!"

A boy with ludicrously oversized eyebrows said, "You are Sasuke Uchiha."

"Yes." I was curious. After all, strangers who ran after me and knew my name for no explicable reason were usually kunoichi.

"I am Rock Lee, and I want to fight you, right here, right now."

"Everything's always about Sasuke!" Naruto cried. "Fight me. I'm way better than him."

Lee said, "I have no intention to—"

Naruto attempted a suicide charge, and Lee effortlessly flung him into a wall, where Naruto popped out of existence. The real him wouldn't show up for several minutes, so the clone clearly intended to take the exam. I'm not sure if that's allowed.

"Careful, Sasuke," Sakura whispered in my ear. "This guy's really serious about his taijutsu. So serious that he's given up all dignity to pursue it."

I glanced around the hallway, still full of our competitors. "It's too crowded here."

The other ninja quickly formed a ring, watching avidly.

Lee continued, "You think you can defeat anyone with your Sharingan. After all, it allows you to copy any ninjutsu, genjutsu, or taijutsu."

Fighting right before the Chuunin Exams seemed like a really bad idea. I tried to defuse the situation. "You know all that and still want to fight me? Wow, you must even stupider than you look."

"I want to test myself," Lee said. "You can predict my moves before I even think of them. But I am not thinking!"

Lee kicked at the air. "I have practiced these moves so many times that I can successfully spar while sleeping."

I couldn't use my Sharingan for this fight. Even if I successfully locked eyes with every spectator, trying to maintain the illusion for such a large crowd would drain my chakra in seconds. I could hardly reveal the secret of the Sharingan over a petty match.

Additionally, I couldn't use my fire ninjutsu without maiming half of the Chuunin Exam entrants. That would be helpful, but—if the proctors considered it cheating—I could lose my shot at promotion.

I would need to rely on my taijutsu. I _was_ the rookie of the year…I could probably take him.

"Sure," I said. "Let's fight."

I then received a very painful lesson in underestimating Rock Lee.

* * *

I think I was saved by a turtle, although I was pretty out of it by that point.

"Enough!" the turtle said, then started rambling about fire or something.

A mist hunter nin lunged for my throat.

Oh. Never mind. That was Sakura. "I'm sure you could have beaten him, if you'd used your Sharingan."

She was attempting to soothe my bruised ego. I would usually be offended, but my ego was _very _badly bruised.

My teammate then turned to Lee, growling. "How dare you touch Sasuke!"

Several other kunoichi crowded around us, alternately cooing at me and hissing at Lee.

On the one hand, I had just been brutally beaten in front of all of my peers. On the other hand, I had attracted the attention of about twenty kunoichi, so I was still the coolest guy there.

"Let's beat him up," Ino declared.

"If you do that, we'll be too late to register," Shikamaru said from where he had flopped onto the floor. "I don't really feel like working today, though, so go ahead."

The kunoichi muttered amongst themselves, reluctantly deciding to delay their attack until the Chuunin Exams had started, when a well-timed act of vengeance could net them a promotion.

We soon entered a waiting room, where several older ninja were already gathered.

"I've failed the Exams eight times," an older boy announced.

My lip curled in disdain. "You must be pathetic."

He adjusted his glasses. "I'm mediocre, but a surprising number of chuunin are, as well. Sometimes, passing or failing can come down to luck. For instance, I've been disqualified for:

"Not cheating when I was supposed to cheat. Cheating when I wasn't supposed to cheat. Not realizing that medical ninjutsu would be useless in single combat. Breaking my glasses. My team getting eaten by bears…Also, if you write the wrong name on your exam, that's an automatic failure and a trip to T&I. But I'm fine now, and, this year, I'm sure I'm going to pass."

"Did you learn a bunch of cool new jutsu?" Naruto asked.

"No, I studied up on all the competitors and wrote their information down on these helpful cards. That way, I will never forget."

The boy stared darkly into the distance for a few moments, as was common among older ninja. He then held up a card. "Here's mine."

"It states you are a kunoichi," Shino observed.

"Sorry about that," he said, holding up a new card. "_This_ is me."

The card described Kabuto Yakushi, a 16-year-old ninja with a lackluster record. Hardly surprising.

"Show me my card," I demanded.

Kabuto shuffled through his deck. "I'm going to assume you aren't the Uchiha who massacred his clan a few years back, so…Ah! Here it is. Sasuke Uchiha, a rookie ninja from Team Seven. You've completed several D-ranks and one A-rank mission. It also says that you killed Zabuza Momochi, after your sensei was captured."

"Yes," I said. "That is factually correct."

"Then, Sakura killed a hunter-nin for Zabuza's body," Naruto said.

"I had been wondering about the mask," Kabuto said.

"Can we see that Sand ninja's card? The one with the thing on his back?" Naruto asked.

Kabuto looked at the three ninja with "things" on their backs. "The one that's glaring at us?"

I glared back at the redhead. "No. The one with the face paint."

"Uh, alright," Kabuto said, "His name is Kankuro."

Kiba snorted. "Does he have a last name?"

The grey-haired boy squinted at the card. "Doesn't look like it. Kankuro has completed three A-ranks, six B-ranks, a few C-ranks, and no D-ranks. Also, he's trained under four senseis in three years."

Either he was so advanced that he could learn a lifetime's knowledge in a few months, or he had killed three jounin. Further, the Sand village refused to waste his talents on D-rank missions.

"Kakashi-sensei was right," I said. "This guy is dangerous."

* * *

Ibiki Morino was the proctor for the First Exam. The foreigners were pretty freaked out, but we Konoha genin were happy to see a familiar face. He had always been the guide during our field trips to T&I. Those visits were the only time we got to act like kids.

"Scream all you like," Ibiki would say. "Nobody can hear you down here."

Ibiki watched us, eyes narrowed, as we filed into the exam room. Then, he shun-shined inside, even though it probably would have been faster to walk. "Right. I've got some rules, here. No asking questions. Just because we're in a classroom doesn't mean I'm your goddamned Academy teacher."

He talked for three minutes, reminding us that being caught cheating was pathetic and beneath a chuunin. While everyone glanced around nervously, I casually made eye contact with several students and the examiners who were watching us for cheating.

"Before we begin, let me tell you the story of how I got these scars…"

Ibiki is really proud of those scars. He would always tell us the same story every time we had a field trip, so I tuned him out.

Seventeen minutes later, Ibiki concluded, "It took me weeks before I got all of the skin out from under my fingernails. I could barely see through the blood. But at least most of it wasn't mine this time…And that's the day I knew that I wanted to be an interrogator."

Four green-faced foreign ninja raced towards the door.

"Anyone who leaves is disqualified," Ibiki called after them.

The final ninja froze—a single toe still in the room. After vomiting into the hallway, he strode back to his seat. While I found his determination and business-like attitude impressively professional, I wished Ibiki had let him leave. I've never seen anyone over seven vomit after Ibiki's story. Someone with such a weak stomach would never be a good ninja.

"Now, any questions?" Ibiki said.

A Rain ninja raised her hand.

"I said no questions," Ibiki barked. "Out!"

The girl, and her teammates, trudged out.

"Begin!"

I glanced at the test with an annoyed "Hn."

Math. I've always hated math.

Several groans filled the room, with only six or seven pencils scratching away without hesitation. After a few moments, more pencils joined in, obviously the result of successful cheating.

Switching into Sakura's vision, I began copying her answers.

That still left the problem of Naruto, who had slept through nearly every Academy lesson and had absolutely no subtlety. Perhaps I could turn on my Sharingan and leap across the seats, stealing Kabuto's exam for him. Or fill someone's vision with spiders, using them as a distraction.

No, what was I thinking? The examiners would immediately see through that ploy and be even more alert for cheating.

I could barely think with Kiba's dog barking a few seats behind me. I activated my Sharingan, manipulating the genjutsu so that the proctors could not hear me say, "If your dog keeps barking, I put a pencil through its eye."

Kiba sputtered. "You f—"

"No talking during the exam!" shouted a proctor. "One strike."

Kiba slumped onto his desk, glowering at me. I don't know why he was so angry. If I were him, I would have appreciated the warning. I shrugged. At least the dog had shut up.

Now, Naruto…I glanced at the blond, eyes narrowing when I noticed the Hyuuga girl shoving her paper at him in a blatant act of sabotage. What was _wrong_ with that team?

I blocked their exchange from the proctors' senses as they whispered back and forth.

"I can't do it," Naruto hissed. "I'm gonna get caught. And it would be a bad thing to do."

I could feel my chakra pouring out of me as I maintained eight simultanous genjutsus, each adjusted for the examiners' different view-points and sensory skills. I shouted, "Naruto, just copy the answers!"

"Why doesn't he get a strike?!" Kiba jumped to his feet, his dog yipping in agreement.

"Two strikes. Two more and you're out," Ibiki said.

"But he—"

Ibiki smirked. "Three."

Kiba sat back down, growling like the mongrel he is.

Twenty-one minutes later, Ibiki said, "It's time for the Tenth Question. Before we begin, one last thing. If you fail this question, you can never take the Chuunin Exams again."

Horrified murmuring filled the room. Ibiki raised a hand, eyes glinting, "Talking is still considered cheating."

Naruto set his jaw, gripped the edge of the table, and then leapt to his feet. "You think you can scare me off, huh? Well, you can't! I'll become Hokage even if I never become a chuunin, like the Third Hokage did."

He went on like that for a while. Eventually he wound down, breathing heavily, and noticed that Ibiki was looking right through him. "Why are you ignoring me, Scarface?!"

"Naruto," I said. "Sit down."

It's a pity no one heard Naruto's speech. It was actually kind of inspiring.

It turned out that the Tenth Question wasn't a question at all, and the students who hadn't run off like cowards all passed. Afterwards, we immediately left for the second stage of the exams.

There was just one problem with that:

I was still injured from my battle with Rock Lee, and I had just used all of my chakra.


	6. Why They Call it the Forest of Death

**Ch. 5: Why They Call it the Forest of Death**

"Wha?! You have no chakra?"

"Yes," I said. "That is what I just finished explaining."

Naruto threw his fist into the air. "I can finally show off my awesome ninja skills without you getting in the way. Believe it!"

I did not believe it, and evidently, neither did Sakura. She whimpered. "We're going to die here."

Sakura clearly needed some motivation to not be a terrible ninja, or we were all going to die there. An idea occurred to me, and I grimaced. I would feel dirty for days afterward, and not only because we were sleeping on the forest floor.

"Sakura," I said. "This is quite possibly your only chance to impress me. Don't fail."

Sakura's eyes lit up, and she tried to hug me. "Oh, Sasuke—"

I dodged, grounding out. "Not impressed."

She faked a laugh, spiked killer intent, and fiddled with the earth scroll in her hands. "O-okay. Let's see. We need to steal a scroll from another team or defeat them in combat. We're allowed to kill, which is helpful since we're an Assassination Squad. First, we'll need to set up camp, gather food. No fires tonight, of course…"

Naruto waved both his hands frantically.

Sakura sighed. "Yes, Naruto?"

"I got a team of clones into the exam," Naruto said.

I smirked. "That's…actually brilliant."

"Perfect!" Sakura squealed. "We don't even have to fight Kabuto or Ino or that freaky sand guy. We can just take your fake team's scroll."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "Actually, they have an earth scroll, too."

* * *

"Good morning!" Naruto shouted into our faces.

I immediately awoke, laying a kunai against Naruto's throat.

Sakura glared at him with raccoon-ringed eyes. "Naruto, the sun isn't even up."

Naruto grinned. "Guard duty's boring."

Sakura growled, laboriously lifting her sword and shaking it at him threateningly…or maybe her muscles were trembling. It was a really heavy sword.

Naruto leaned forward, raised his hand to shield his face, and said sotto-voce, "Also, there are enemy ninja."

A spray of senbon rained down from a nearby oak. Thankfully, I had become pretty talented at avoiding senbon during our battle with Haku, and Sakura took shelter behind her seven-foot-tall sword. A few senbon pierced Naruto's throat, but he turned out to be a clone, so nobody was too upset about it.

Three Rain ninja leapt from the trees. They looked a few years older than us and wore black umbrellas on their backs. Their leader, a tall man with claw marks on his face and his lips partially stitched shut, said, "Hand over your scroll, or you're all gonna die."

A new Naruto crawled out of the foliage. "Nuh-uh."

"You're a bunch of fools if you think you can beat us," the shortest team member said.

The third member puffed out his chest. "Yeah, we're really good."

I contemplated our odds.

I barely had enough chakra for a simple ninjutsu, Sakura had exhausted most of her strength threatening Naruto with the sword, and Naruto had just tripped over a rock, dispelling his current clone.

On the other hand, the shortest Rain ninja was currently menacing us with an umbrella. I smirked. "I think we can take you."

"This isn't our first Chuunin Exam, kid. I've seen things. Do you know how I got these scars?" The Rain ninja gestured towards his face.

"Bear attack?"

"…Yes. The point is, we can take on two punks."

"What about three punks?" Naruto said into the Rain ninja's ear. Apparently, he'd henged into one of the umbrellas at some point.

The leader lunged at Naruto with a senbon, but Naruto jumped away, laughing. He led the furious ninja into the forest.

The other two ninja looked at their leader, then back at us. The short one, who couldn't reach five feet on his tip-toes, held an umbrella in each hand. He twirled them, casually piercing a falling leaf with its spiked edge.

"Sakura," I said. "You wanted to do taijutsu."

She slid down her mask, hefted her sword and broke into a lopsided run. "Kyah!"

I observed my opponent. He struck me as the weakest of them all. His stance purely defensive, he anxiously tapped the umbrellas at his back.

"Let me guess," I said. "Some sort of umbrella-based genjutsu?"

"No, no," the ninja said. "I don't use umbrellas for fighting. I just carry these. One for me, one for you. That's how we do things in Rain."

That was a really nice sentiment. I lunged for his throat. He blocked, grabbing my arm. I used the leverage to throw him off balance.

We exchanged blows for a few minutes, the sound of our fight overlapping with the distant noise of popping Narutos. While I was clearly the superior fighter, my advantage wasn't enough to quickly end the battle.

I barely dodged a kick, my ear stinging where his boot scraped past. He said, "So, I'm gonna guess you aren't a taijutsu guy."

"Ninjutsu, but I'm out of chakra" – I landed a knee on his side, though he barely flinched – "What's your excuse?"

He chuckled. "I use water techniques, but I haven't seen a river since we got in this place."

My elbow missed his temple by a hair. "You guys came from the far west of the forest, right?"

He nodded, which nearly allowed me to land a punch on his jaw. I continued, "You've been travelling south when you should be going east."

"Thanks, that'll be a real help after we steal your scroll," he said.

I smirked. "Now, me? My element is fire."

My opponent immediately leapt away, watching me nervously. While I've come to expect some level of awe, this seemed…odd. I raised an eyebrow.

He laughed weakly. "Hah, you know, I was expecting you to throw fire at me just then. Nice lead in for it."

"I just mentioned that I'm out of chakra," I said.

"That's a good point," he said. "It doesn't usually stop people, though."

"Most people are idiots."

We laughed together for a second, and I tossed a kunai at his forehead.

* * *

Sakura groaned as we leapt through the trees. "I can't believe they had an earth scroll."

"We should have asked first," Naruto said, juggling the two scrolls. "Next time, we'll ask."

After defeating the Rain ninja, we'd abandoned our previous campsite. They wouldn't be following us, not with one member suffering a concussion and another missing a leg, but the sound of our fight would attract other enemy ninja.

Sakura snatched one of the scrolls. "We can use it as a bargaining chip, at least. Who knows; maybe somebody has two heaven scrolls and is willing to trade."

Below us, a cave was carved into a hill, the greenery around it flattened. I jumped down from the treetops. "I found our new campsite."

"But that's where the bears live!" Naruto yelped, clinging to a tree trunk.

Sakura glared at him, released a spike of killer intent, and said, "He has a point. Are you sure it's safe, Sasuke?"

"They're just bears." Was I the only person who trained against wildlife? The Forest of Death was an open training ground.

My teammates remained a few dozen feet above me. I snorted. "Fine. I'll check. Try not to fall out of a tree, you scaredy-cats."

I did find a few bears eating some Grass ninja. I killed them, accidentally saving a red-haired kunoichi. Unfortunately, she had an earth scroll, too. I never mentioned the incident to my team because they might have asked why I didn't kill her, and I didn't really have an answer for that.

I returned to the cave mouth, brow lightly furrowed.

Sakura said, "Are there bears, Sasuke?"

"Not anymore."

We would eat well that night.

* * *

Naruto was mid-leap when the wind jutsu hit our team. The sudden gust slammed him into a tree, instantly dissipating the clone. I nearly fell, as well, but managed to lodge a kunai into a nearby tree trunk. Sakura remained in place, her feet glued to the branch with chakra.

Sakura and I jumped to the forest floor, suspiciously eyeing our surroundings.

Naruto wandered out of the shrubbery. "What the heck was that?"

Another Naruto dropped from the trees, pointing at his clone. "Hey! You're not me. You're some kind of fake."

The original Naruto grabbed his double by the collar of his hideous jacket. "I'm the fake? You're the one who's a fake, you fake."

Both drew back an arm for a punch.

"Naruto," I said. It took the one on the right a few milliseconds longer to respond to the name, which made me immediately suspicious of his counterpart.

"Yeah?" the right clone grumbled.

"What's the first lesson Kakashi taught us?" I asked.

"Hah! That's easy," declared the left clone. "Don't abandon your comrades. Beat that, fake!"

The other Naruto clone grinned. "Never trust Kakashi."

"Hn."

Both answers were reasonable, although I would have said "Always eat a good breakfast."

I threw a kunai at each of them, to be safe.

Since I threw both kunai in one motion, the weapons went wide. Somehow, the Naruto on the right dodged _into_ the kunai's path. I smirked. "We've found Naruto."

He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Sakura sighed. "And lost him again."

"Kukuku," the other Naruto…laughed, I guess? It was a pretty freaky sound. He then dropped the henge, becoming a Grass kunoichi. Her shiny, black eyes were round in her gaunt face. She smelled of death.

"Clever," she hissed. "I like that in my prey."

"W-wait a second," Sakura said. "Do you even have a heaven scroll?"

"Sure I do," the kunoichi said, pulling a scroll from her bag and hastily shoving it down her throat. I'm not sure whether the scroll was heaven or earth because I was distracted by literally everything else in that image.

"If you want it, you'll have to cut me open." The Grass nin stuck her tongue out, which I found childish and unprofessional…and also incredibly disturbing because it was six feet long.

She then released a paralyzing flood of killer intent. This ninja was psychotic. Even _that man_ had never mustered such an overwhelming bloodlust. I couldn't move a muscle. I couldn't even look away as the kunoichi licked her lips, her tongue slowly crawling back into her throat.

Sakura collapsed. To be fair, Zabuza's sword was weighing her down, so I'm not entirely sure how she was standing _before_ the killer intent hit.

"Like little mice"—the Grass nin reached lazily for her weapons' pouch—"Not a very satisfying meal."

A tiny thrum of killer intent joined our enemy's. I guess, after constantly spiking killer intent for so many years, Sakura had built up some sort of immunity. Even as I struggled to twitch my eyes, my teammate smoothly stood and drew the sword from her back. Sakura looked angry. "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Sakura was frenzied, hacking at the ninja, never pausing to rest or take stock of the situation. The Grass nin effortlessly dodged. "You'll never get —"

Sakura tried to crush the girl's collar bone.

"Never—"

She moved to bisect her.

"Y—"

Sakura took down a tree, then, and I suspect our competitors felt the impact all across the forest. That jarred my tensed limbs loose, earned a wince from our unshakeable opponent, and killed at least one Naruto clone.

It was at that point that the Grass kunoichi jumped on top of Sakura's sword. "You'll never get anywhere with that monstrosity."

Sakura, growling now, tried to shake the girl off. The Grass nin continued, "Your body type is built for speed and finesse, but you have neither of those things."

Sakura slammed the sword against a tree, which shuddered, but the ninja absentmindedly leaned away from the impact. "And why? Because your weapon is bigger than you are!"

"Dive bomb no-jutsu!" Naruto leapt from a tree and plunged towards the enemy.

As happens when you give a vastly superior enemy ample warning of your attack, the ninja leapt off the sword to avoid it. Naruto's head slammed into the sword's blunt, metal side, and he dissipated.

He took Sakura down with him, and she stumbled back up with a dazed look.

"Shadow clones?" the nin purred. "And there I was thinking they'd never existed."

"You're the one who's never gonna exist!" a Naruto shouted, sprinting out from under the fallen tree with a kunai.

The Grass ninja casually put a kunai in his throat. "You might consider not announcing your—"

Naruto, previously henged as one of the fallen tree's branches, dove for the kunoichi's legs. She jumped up to avoid the attack, landing gracefully on Naruto's back with a crunch.

She smiled. "Better. Rude, but better."

The clone, broken beneath her, caught my eye. A moment later, he disappeared in a cloud of smoke—a perfect distraction.

I darted forward, throwing a kunai into the smoke. The kunoichi emerged with the kunai hooked on one finger, lazily tossing it back at me. I spun to the side, kicking off with one foot to launch a flying kick at the Grass nin's face. She avoided it, but the movement sent her shoulder right into the path of Sakura's punch.

Our opponent didn't react to the punch, perhaps not even feeling it. It was a pity that Sakura, after a pitiful attempt at lifting it again, had abandoned her sword. If she'd been carrying it, the enemy nin might have lost an arm, like that Rain ninja.

"Kukuku," laughed the Grass kunoichi.

It was at that moment that the Narutos rained down from the trees. There were hundreds of him kicking, punching, and shouting. Some of them were even aiming at the Grass nin.

A crowd of Narutos grabbed Sakura's sword, holding it like a battering ram. There were also a few henged to look like me and Sakura, although the pattern of bloodstains on Sakura's dress was painfully inaccurate.

In the resulting confusion, I joined a crowd of me-shaped Narutos in a suicide charge. Yet, as I raced forward, I gulped in a huge breath of air, then spat it out in a giant fireball. Several Narutos were destroyed in the fire, as was the kunoichi's face.

But unlike the previous times I'd watched someone's face melt off, our opponent did not collapse into a writhing ball of screams. She casually peeled her skin off. Another face lay beneath; it was white and fairly androgynous, although the shape of its cheekbones struck me as masculine. His yellow eyes crinkled with amusement. "Kukuku. Perhaps Kakashi wasn't lying after all. You've done well for genin."

"Wait a second, aren't you a genin?" the Narutos chorused.

The ninja smirked. "I am Orochimaru."

After a moment's silence, he scowled, like he was expecting some sort of reaction. "Orochimaru? Konoha's worst enemy?"

We continued to stare at him.

Orochimaru's voice came out strained. "Konoha's greatest traitor?"

That was ridiculous. Nobody had ever betrayed the village. It just didn't happen.

"The first sannin?"

Sakura hummed thoughtfully. "I always did find it strange that there were only two sannin."

"Hn," I agreed.

Sakura said, "Of course, there are plenty of reasonable explanations. For instance, many ninja didn't know how to count during the war."

"You know nothing of the war," Orochimaru spat. "I was one of only three ninja to survive a battle with Hanzo the Salamander, the feared leader of Rain. We had to use our own comrades' corpses as shields, and even they were eviscerated with a single blow…"

This was way too similar to Ibiki's rants, so I zoned out for a while, watching new Narutos poof to life in the foliage.

"…and only then, laughing madly, did he agree to spare our lives." Orochimaru panted, his hands hooked in front of him, like claws.

"All that, and you're still a genin?" Naruto said.

"No! Of course not. I've merely come to run an errand." His tongue darted out, falling past his chin, and he licked his lips. Killing intent still oozed off of him.

I gulped. It was one thing to fight some hotshot genin, but this guy was way too powerful. There was only one solution.

"I guess it's time to take this fight seriously. Sharingan!" I leaned forward, then, and opened my eyes really wide. Orochimaru naturally glanced at the shouting, fidgeting boy in front of him. And, just like that, he was trapped.

While my double enumerated the Sharingan's impressive and completely false list of powers, I called to my teammates, "Sakura, Naruto, get over here."

The Narutos all tromped towards me. Sakura growled, "The real Naruto, you idiots."

The clones huddled and, after some whispering, shoved a Naruto in our direction. He rubbed the back of his head, grinning, "Heh, sorry about that."

In my genjutsu, I had just copied Orochimaru's summoning jutsu, commanding a giant snake of my own.

"It's time for operation Be Trash," I said.

Naruto scratched his head. "Uh, that's running away, right?"

We were already in the trees by then, jumping from branch to branch. Naruto caught up to us quickly enough, though.

Well, one of them did.

* * *

Sakura fiddled with the mask atop her head. "Are you okay, Sasuke?"

"I'm fine." Sweat slicked my face and my breathing grew heavier with every jump. I'd been holding the genjutsu for twenty minutes, but I still felt uncomfortably close to the sannin, my skin prickling from his distant killer intent. Besides, despite controlling the environment, I still couldn't fight well enough to convincingly get away in the illusion.

Sakura released a spike of killer intent, although her face just grew sadder. "You still haven't recovered from your earlier chakra exhaustion—"

For a moment, I was distracted from my genjutsu, and Orochimaru took advantage of my hesitation to bite my neck. It was pretty freaky, although I guess it fit with the whole "snake" theme he had going on. As he tore his fangs from my fake self's neck, I panicked and reset the illusion to a few moments before.

Orochimaru looked around, frowning at my unmarked neck. "What did you do?"

Then, with my clan secret threatened, I started babbling ridiculous, nonsensical explanations. "Ah! But you've made me reveal my greatest technique, the special ability that only my Sharingan can do. It can, uh, rewrite destiny."

"That's amazing," Orochimaru said.

"Yeah, it's really useful," I said. "In fact, we never met you today."

I ended the illusion, grateful for the last dregs of chakra slugging through my veins. They kept me from falling off the trees as we traveled further and further from the sannin.

After a few hours, Naruto broke our silence. "They're dead."

"W-what?" Sakura said. "Who's dead?"

"My team," he said. "The ones with the earth scroll. They were eaten by leeches."

I jumped to the next branch. "Ninja leeches or forest leeches?"

Naruto stared distantly into the foliage. "I don't know. They died knowing nothing."

Sakura groaned. "Ugh, how useless. We didn't even get their earth scroll."

"Useless?"—Naruto shook his head—"Shiro used to call his teammates useless, too. He never told them how much he cared. Mitsuru wasn't even born here, but he loved this village more than anyone. And then there was Kamiko, who just wanted to prove her worth…"

I paused on a tree branch, turning to Naruto. "We are talking about your clones, right?"

* * *

I was the first one to notice the ninja curled up in the bushes twenty feet from our campsite, which was strange because Naruto had clones hiding in the same bushes. I know because the Narutos immediately tackled the enemy ninja when I mentioned his presence. The intruder rolled out of the bushes, fixing his glasses and rubbing the back of his head.

"Kabuto!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Oh, hi Sakura, Sasuke, and"—Kabuto shuffled through his ninja info cards—"Naruto."

"Where's your team?" I asked, glancing around in suspicion.

Kabuto's smile twitched. "Dead."

The Naruto clones laid a hand on each of his shoulders. "Bears?"

"Sand ninja," he said.

Naruto's eyes widened, and he somehow dispelled himself while flailing. "WAS IT THAT CREEPY GUY?!"

"No, he just watched. It was the other one who attacked us."

We all winced. Our most intimidating opponent had a powerful ally. Sakura asked, "What are his jutsu like?"

"Well," Kabuto said, "he used sand."

"How original," I said.

Kabuto chuckled for a few minutes, which was really unsettling. "Heh. Heh. Yeah. It crawled over Yoroi and crushed him to death. I could hear his bones crunching. The sand was damp with blood, but the ninja wasn't satisfied. He sent it after Misumi and me. We were already running by then, but some of it slithered up my arm and eviscerated it, just like Yoroi."

"Kabuto," Sakura said, "your arm is fine."

He looked down at his arm, which was unharmed. The sleeve was pretty bloody, though.

"Oh. I'm a very inexperienced medical ninja. There's no way I could have fixed that on my own…"

Kabuto stared at the sky for a few moments. "It must have been Misumi's arm that was crushed."

We all nodded. In the rush of battle, particularly a losing one, it's very easy to confuse minor details.

"We offered them our scroll, you know," Kabuto said, tucking the deck of cards into his pack. "But the Sand ninja didn't want it. I guess they had a heaven scroll, too."

* * *

**A/N: At the risk of explaining the joke, here's a reminder that "sannin" directly translates to "three ninja."**


	7. Neji Hyuuga Must Die

**A/N: This chapter contains one scene from Sakura's perspective. Any mid-chapter POV shifts in this fic will be clearly labeled, one scene long, and in the 3rd person limited. While 95% of this fic is in Sasuke's POV, sometimes it's necessary to get out of his head from both a narrative and a comedic standpoint.**

* * *

**Ch. 6: Neji Hyuuga Must Die**

"He was a puppet the whole time?" Sakura asked as the Sand ninja Kankuro defeated his opponent.

Kakashi shunshined beside her. "Huh. That explains why, when I looked into his eyes, there was no soul there. I just assumed he didn't have a soul, which is never a good sign."

While a pair of Konoha chuunin rushed the Sound ninja away for medical treatment, Kankuro jumped back to the balcony. Meanwhile, another random match was generated.

"Next"—the proctor began coughing—"Next up: Naruto Uzumaki vs. Tenten."

Naruto jumped down. "I'm gonna win this, believe it!"

A nearby kunoichi leapt down to join him. She grinned, brandishing a fistful of kunai. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Begin." The proctor slowly made his way up the wall. Well, slow for a ninja. A civilian might have called it a run.

While the two competitors began their first, testing exchange of blows, Sakura turned to Kakashi. "Sensei, I know it's too late for this to be helpful to Naruto, but what do you know about this girl?"

Kakashi squinted at Tenten. "I think she's a Rain ninja. They use umbrellas."

"We crippled the only Rain team," I said. "Also, she's wearing a Leaf headband."

Naruto had summoned five clones and begun using basic team tactics against Tenten.

"Plenty of ninja take headbands off their kills. I like to hang them across my windows, like curtains. That way, if someone breaks in, they make little clinking sounds."

Sakura said, "That's a lot of headbands."

Kakashi's eyes smiled. "Clink. Clink."

The Narutos had multiplied. No matter how many Tenten killed, more replaced them. The girl coughed as yet another Naruto burst into smoke in front of her. She said, "This isn't working. It's time for something bigger."

Tenten leapt atop one Naruto's head and pulled out two scrolls. She threw them into the air and formed several hand seals. The scrolls began to twirl around each other. "Twin Rising Dragons."

The kunoichi then jumped into the vortex, rose high in the air, and pulled out piles of weapons from the scrolls. She threw them down, several at a time. Honestly, she was pretty slow for a ninja, clearly still at genin level. But she was facing Naruto, so most of her hits landed. Smoke flooded the arena.

Tenten descended with a confident grin, yet when the air finally cleared, one Naruto still stood. He was completely uninjured.

She gaped. "How are you still standing?"

Naruto charged forward, waving his fists wildly. "I'm just that good. Believe it!"

The girl dodged his attack with a single step to the right. "Honestly? I don't."

Her chains lashed out, wrapping around Naruto's legs and slamming him to the ground. That wouldn't have been so bad, but the ground was currently covered in hundreds of pointy weapons from Tenten's earlier technique. Naruto groaned against the floor, curling into a ball. "Ugh. That hurt, ya know…"

"It'll hurt a lot more if you don't forfeit." Tenten approached him with a kunai, which was still blood-flecked from her time in the forest.

"Okay, okay," Naruto said. "I…"

He whipped around, throwing a weapon at her. "I would never forfeit!"

That was a very nice move, even if Tenten did manage to dodge. Then, Naruto summoned another fifty clones.

Tenten laughed weakly. "You still have chakra?"

The Narutos just grinned and dogpiled her. Most of them accidentally dispelled in the melee. Tenten was unconscious by the end, however, so it worked well enough.

The proctor strolled back down to the arena. "Winner, Naruto Uzumaki."

The six remaining clones cheered, two accidentally dispelling themselves in their enthusiasm. One clone walked a few feet, hunching down to knock on a floor tile. "Boss? We won."

Naruto burst upward, shattering the floor tile and revealing an underground tunnel beneath him. He was panting. "Oh, thank the Third. I was almost out of air."

"That's got to be cheating," Kiba said.

"How unyouthful," Lee said.

"I was in the arena, so it counts." Naruto stuck out his tongue.

The proctor sighed. "There isn't a rule for depth, or that floating technique would have disqualified the girl. I'll allow it."

"Yeah!" Naruto ran up the wall towards us.

Sakura asked, "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't wanna jump into battle with a ninja I knew nothing about, so I sent a clone in first while the real me dug a tunnel to the arena."

"The matches only started ten minutes ago."

Naruto shrugged. "There were six of me."

"Ha, ha!" a familiar voice rang out as a green blur leapt across from the opposite balcony.

A mirror image of Rock Lee—he even wore the same green jumpsuit and bowl haircut—stood on the railing in front of my team, his arms akimbo. Despite the bulbous weights that circled his legs and his overdramatic hand gestures, he effortlessly balanced on the slim metal. His beamed at us, white teeth sparkling under the harsh lights. He reminded me of a turtle.

"What a youthful display."

Below us, the next match was called: the Sand kunoichi Temari vs. the Sound ninja Dosakinata.

The Rock Lee clone pointed at our sensei. "Kakashi, my eternal rival!"

Kakashi casually glanced over, as if he'd just noticed him. "Oh, hi Gai."

Gai hopped off of the railing, still grinning. "I have been training my students for almost a year, yet after only a few months, one of your students has defeated mine. Truly, you have taught them well."

"Yeah, Naruto was the dead last in his Academy class," Kakashi said. "Of course, dead lasts are usually some of the better ninja, so maybe that's not a very good indication of skill."

"Yeah! The Academy spends all its time on useless stuff," Naruto said.

Sakura snorted. "Right. Like reading, and basic math."

"Exactly!" Naruto said.

"But Naruto was an idiot when I started teaching him, so I'm probably just amazing," Kakashi mused as Naruto wailed in protest.

By this point, tears were flowing down Gai's face. "Truly, your teaching has outshone my own. I shall run my students through a thousand drills until I am as practiced at teaching as I am at my greatest attacks."

"Why not two thousand?" Kakashi idly watched the battle below. Temari had just swung her fan to redirect Dosakinata's sound attacks back at him. It didn't work because that was a ridiculous plan, but the gust of wind slammed him into the wall.

"Truly, our rivalry spurs us into greatness. We must celebrate. You have won this time, but the first to retrieve sake and bring it here shall receive one point."

The green-clad man paused for a moment, giving Kakashi the opportunity to react, then sprinted away. Kakashi tilted his head slightly as the Sound ninja was taken away by medics. "That Sand kunoichi didn't even come close to killing her opponent, so I guess she's the disappointment of her team. Like Naruto."

"Hey!" Naruto yelled.

Below, the proctor called for the next two fighters, Shino Aburame and Rock Lee.

Dozens of forgotten bruises began to ache as I glared down at Lee. Sensing my discomfort, Sakura tried to grab my hand. I avoided it with practiced ease.

Sakura's voice turned sickeningly sweet. "I hope Shino beats him up really badly, Sasuke. He deserves it for embarrassing you."

I growled. "Tch. Idiot. Lee had better win, or I'll look like a loser."

Sakura giggled. "Oh, Sasuke. You could never look like a loser."

"Go, Shino!" Naruto shouted. "You show him."

"Not with that loser around," she grumbled.

Lee stood on one leg, waving his arms wildly. "I, Rock Lee, will endeavor not to injure you too greatly."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Or that one."

Shino simply nodded, waiting for Lee to make the first move. In a moment, the green-clad ninja crossed the arena and landed his first strike.

Beside me, Sakura gasped. "He's fast."

Shino, surprised by the initial attack, remained on the defensive. He barely blocked most blows, and I could hear his panting from my place on the balcony. Lee was winning.

Suddenly, Shino leapt away, forming hand seals in mid-air. Before Lee could follow, a whirlwind of bugs surrounded their master to shield him from attacks. A quick jab left Lee's hand cut up from the careening bugs, so he waited impatiently for his opponent to emerge.

"Why's Shino hiding?" Naruto whined.

Hinata Hyuuga said, "He's not h-hiding, Naruto. He's strategizing."

The bugs began to clear, and Shino burst out of their thinned protection, attacking Lee. His offensive approach gave him the advantage for a short while, but the taijutsu user soon landed a kick. Where Lee's foot hit, Shino's side dissolved into bugs. That really freaked me out.

"That's creepy," Sakura said.

"Hn."

Lee punched Shino. Again, bugs poured out. With a shout, Lee began attacking each, individual bug, killing them one precise hit at a time. It was having an impact. Shino's limbs began to thin, his face crumpled in on itself, and, suddenly, the illusion broke. A pillar of bugs stood in front of Lee while the real Shino leaned against a nearby wall.

The bugs flew back to Shino, many crawling under his clothes and behind his sunglasses while others simply settled against his skin. "You were able to defeat my Insect Clone. Interesting."

"I will defeat you, and if I am wrong, then I shall scale the Hokage Mountain one hundred times."

Shino tilted his head thoughtfully. "Yes, I imagine you could. You're skilled at taijutsu."

"I will become an amazing ninja using only taijutsu and my youthful vigor." Lee stared starry-eyed into the distance.

Shino smirked. "I suppose you could. I'm not certain why you would limit yourself like that, however."

"It is not I who am limiting myself," Lee said, then spent the next several minutes explaining his life's story. He'd just met Shino twenty minutes earlier, and everyone was listening in, so I found the whole situation incredibly awkward and unprofessional.

Finally, Lee shut up and continued fighting. The taijutsu user was clearly the more skilled opponent, but his blows were landing more softly, his limbs moving slower. He was growing tired.

"What is Lee doing?" I grumbled.

Naruto grinned as the bug-infested shinobi avoided a clumsy kick. "Shino's gonna win, not that bushy-browed weirdo."

I was going to regret this tomorrow, but my reputation was on the line. I swallowed down the bile and took a deep breath. "Lee! I know you can destroy this guy. I…believe in you."

My show of support was quickly followed by the adoring shouts of a few of the present kunoichi. Lee began bawling, even as he more fervidly attacked Shino. "I will prove myself worthy of your support. If I do not, I will—"

"Focus on the fight, idiot!" I snapped.

Beside me, Naruto yelled, "Go, Shino!"

I elbowed him. Naruto responded by raising his voice.

Sakura turned to Kakashi. "Who do you think will win, Sensei?"

Kakashi peered down at the fighters. "Hm. Well, one of them is Maito Gai, a famed taijutsu master. I don't know why he's participating in the Chuunin Exams, though. I'm pretty sure he's a jounin."

Sakura blinked. "Um, actually…"

"On the other hand, the Aburame have this technique where their bugs burrow under your skin and then eat all of your flesh and chakra, leaving your corpse a hollow shell while all that you once were is in a swarm of giant bugs. So it's a pretty even match."

Shino caught one of Lee's punches. Lee said, "What? That is impossible."

Shino leapt away, and Lee fell to his knees. "You held up surprisingly well. I've planted dozens of my kikaichu on you during this battle, and they've been feeding on your chakra. I imagine they've eaten most of it by now. In a few minutes, you will collapse due to chakra exhaustion. Forfeit, and you may be back running missions in a week. Hold out for too long, and you will die."

Naruto began to dance around the balcony. "Ha! Shino won."

I glared at him.

* * *

"You've been careful to avoid my shadow this whole match," Shikamaru said.

He gestured towards the weapons that still littered the floor, my arm mirroring the action. "But every weapon in this arena is casting a shadow. The second you landed beside that chain, you were trapped in my jutsu."

I couldn't move my body, trapped in a mimicry of Shikamaru's posture. He favored his left side, and his head bent backwards slightly, probably weighed down by that weird ponytail of his.

Shikamaru smirked. "But you knew that, didn't you?"

My mouth twitched, and I cursed myself for showing my emotions so obviously.

"I saw the fire jutsu you prepared, just before you landed. You're still waiting to unleash it, but I'm not getting close enough for it to touch me."

An Uchiha does not lose, I thought as my arm shuddered down towards my pocket. Shikamaru had guessed my plan. Fine, then. New plan. I stared down as my hand closed around a kunai, took a deep breath, and released the grand fireball.

The fiery light eliminated my shadow, freeing me from my opponent's jutsu. I flung the kunai at Shikamaru. It missed by like three feet, but it distracted him while I charged. I would later pretend that was the plan all along.

I then engaged him in taijutsu. Shikamaru wasn't terrible at hand-to-hand combat, but it's difficult to block your opponent's kicks when his legs are on fire. Pretty soon, Shikamaru caught on fire, too, so I can understand why he freaked out and forfeited.

Shikamaru insisted on going to the hospital, which I found pathetic. He'd barely even been touched by the fire, and my burns were way worse than his. As I hopped back to the balcony, dripping wet from three separate water jutsus while my feet still smoldered, I chuckled.

"You're so cool, Sasuke," Ino said.

"Shut up, Ino-pig," Sakura snapped, then smiled at me. "You were amazing, Sasuke."

Pride filled my chest, but I stamped down on the emotion so as not to encourage her. "Hn."

The next match, Choji vs. the Sound ninja Kin, began as she tossed a few bell-strung shuriken at him.

"Don't tell me to shut up, Forehead."

On the one hand, Sakura and Ino's shouting was irritating. On the other, they had completely forgotten about me.

"Um, S-Sasuke?" the Hyuuga girl said, blushing slightly. She was holding something behind her back, probably a bento. The girls had been throwing them at me like crazy ever since they realized that I let my guard down when I eat. The second I took a bite, they would strike.

I stared at her, giving no emotional input, and she ducked her head. "I, um, have some healing ointment. It might help your feet?"

"I'm fine."

She glanced down at my extensive burns. "They're smoking, a little."

Admittedly, that was kind of concerning, and maybe I should have gone with the medics, after all. Silently, I accepted the ointment.

Below us, Kin had activated a genjutsu that confused Choji's senses. He couldn't find her, attacking thin air. Then, the disoriented ninja transformed into a giant ball and began to roll. It might not have been so bad, if Tenten hadn't left all her weapons behind.

They had to hose down the arena before Sakura and Ino's fight.

* * *

**Sakura POV**

As the blue mask fell across her face, the hunter nin felt no emotion, no regret. There was no room for such things in the hunt. She narrowed her eyes at her prey.

The prey laughed. "I won't forget about your giant forehead just because you put an ugly mask over it."

"Ino!" Inner Sakura roared.

A wave of killer intent drifted off Sakura, and she reveled in the sensation, even as the mask kept her face smooth and emotionless. "I took this mask from a ninja I killed. How many ninja have you killed, Ino?"

"We're a capture squad."

Sakura giggled. "That's cute."

Ino, growling, raced at her. Sakura blocked her punch with an elbow, and her follow-up kick with the handle of her sword. They continued to spar for several seconds, Sakura's sword taking bites out of the arena.

"What the hell, Forehead?" the blonde snapped as a blow shattered the floor tile she'd just been standing on. "Are you trying to kill me?"

The hunter nin knew no mercy. She swung her sword in a level arc as her opponent dropped below its path. The blade gouged into the wall and stuck.

Sakura could have dug her feet into the ground, yanked it out, and continued the battle. But she didn't _really_ want to kill Ino, so she left it there.

Inner Sakura groaned. "We don't need to kill her, just cut her a little. Blood really freaks her out."

"Blood really freaks _me_ out," Sakura mentally replied as Ino slammed a fist into her side. "Besides, it's not like I could have held that sword up for much longer, anyway."

As their taijutsu match continued, Sakura realized that she didn't _need _her weapon to defeat Ino. The blonde had often beaten her during classroom spars, but Sakura had become stronger since the Academy—probably because she'd been hauling around a two hundred-pound broadsword.

Ino used one of Sakura's attacks as leverage to jump away, grabbing something from her pouch and flinging it at Sakura's head. Sakura leapt to the side, then paused. "Why did you throw flower petals?"

Her opponent smirked. "Why did you dodge?"

Behind her mask, Sakura's smile widened. "Right."

She then took a step forward, crunching a petal beneath her sandal. She couldn't take a second step.

"Oh, bad luck, Forehead," Ino said. "You're stuck in my paralysis jutsu. You know what that means."

"That tricky, pig!" Inner Sakura roared as Ino activated her clan jutsu and crumpled to the floor.

In the stands, Kakashi explained to Naruto that the Yamanaka techniques were really, really slow because their souls had to paddle on the wind to reach their targets, which was difficult because their souls were weighed down with regret. Sakura was pretty sure none of that was true.

After a couple minutes, the audience began gossiping loudly.

"We should knock their heads together until they learn some manners!" Inner Sakura crowed.

Then, Sakura heard a voice in her head that wasn't any of the usual ones. "Ugh. Your mindscape is like a freaking cave."

"Ino?" Sakura anxiously tugged at her mask.

Ino sighed. "Well, looks like I'm stuck in here. I should have realized there'd be too much room in your GIANT FOREHEAD."

Inner Sakura punched her. "Shut up, Ino!"

"Enough, Inner Sakura."

"What the hell is that?" Ino's voice echoed through her skull.

Sakura muttered, "That's my inner self. Doesn't everyone have one of those?"

"No!"

Ignoring the shouting in her head with long practice, Sakura raised her hand. "Proctor? Do you want to call this one? I think it's pretty obvious she missed."

Ino shrieked, "MISSED?"

"Right," the proctor said. "Winner: Sakura Haruno."

"I didn't miss anything," Ino continued, "I should have won. I paralyzed you. You're still trapped _right now_."

Inner tackled the other girl and grabbing a fistful of her ponytail. "Hah! We still could have kicked your ass even if you'd cut our legs clean off."

Sakura smiled politely as the medics lifted Ino's sleeping body onto a stretcher. "Do you mind if I come, too?"

Ino cut Inner Sakura's hands out of her spirit's hair, mangling it in the process. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN?"

Sakura's smile tightened as she spoke to the medic. "I have a headache."

* * *

Sakura left with Ino after their battle because, from what I've heard, they're best friends when they aren't trying to kill each other. Personally, I've never seen it.

Next, the two Hyuuga faced off.

Neji Hyuuga was a genius. He came from a prominent clan and, despite his cold nature, his good looks had earned him countless admirers.

I hated him on sight.

Unfortunately, he was the obvious victor of his match, dominating from the very first skirmish. Still, Hinata stubbornly fought back, refusing to stay down due to Naruto's goading. Idiot.

"Stop encouraging Hinata," I said. "At this rate, Neji is going to kill her."

Naruto said, "Wah? But she's his cousin."

Suddenly, I understood what was going on.

"He's going to kill her," I said, "and then he's going to kill the entire Hyuuga clan."

Naruto was frozen by his usual confusion.

"Naruto, I've seen this before"—I grabbed him by the shoulders—"The doujutsu clan, the resentful genius, the dead cousin. There's only one way this can go."

"W-what do we do?"

Below us, Hinata collapsed. This time, she didn't get up.

"Neji Hyuuga must die."

Medics carted the girl off, while Neji coolly watched. He didn't say a word. Arrogant jerk.

"That jerk," Naruto growled, storming towards the railing.

I held him back. This wasn't his battle.

"Hyuuga!"

Neji looked up, unfazed.

My Sharingan flared to life, swirling wildly. "I'm watching you."

* * *

**A/N: ****Sasuke missed both of Neji's Chuunin Exam fights in canon. I like to think this is how it would have gone if he'd been around.**


	8. Various Vengeances

**Warning: This chapter contains **_**Gaara. **_**If you are sensitive to sand, blood, gore, insomnia, love, or other possible triggers relating to **_**Gaara,**_** please skip the section between "Sand burial" and "****clutching the mangled corpse." **

**Ch. 7: Various Vengeances**

Kiba hopped into the arena before they'd even called his name, his dog yapping a challenge at the Sand ninja still in the stands. Kiba laughed. "You tell him, buddy!"

The proctor said, "Right. Gaara of the Sand vs. Kiba Inuzuka."

"And Akamaru," Kiba said.

"Also his dog." The proctor walked up the wall as Gaara landed in the arena on a cushion of sand.

Gaara watched the ninja and nin dog, and Kiba started talking about his knowledge and likely strategy to fill the silence. Kiba didn't understand that shinobi must be quiet even under torture and that a foolish taunt might lead to a lost battle, or even a lost life. That's why he would never be a good ninja.

"I bet you think your sand jutsu's pretty impressive. It's a decent shield, sure, but how do you steer your sand"—Kiba charged forward, throwing smoke bombs at Gaara—"when you can't even see?"

The Inuzuka's fingernails were sharp, like claws, and he had entered the smoke in an eye blink. A few moments later, he jumped back out. "Okay, yeah, your sand's pretty quick."

The smoke had begun to clear, revealing that the redhead had yet to move from his starting position. He was muttering to himself.

I said, "Is he talking about his mother?"

Kakashi tilted his head thoughtfully. "Yeah. That's kind of weird. Usually, that doesn't happen until the ninja's losing."

Down in the arena, Kiba said, "I guess this calls for the big guns. Right, Akamaru?"

The dog paused for a moment to consider the suggestion, then gave an affirmative yip. After Akamaru swallowed a pill and Kiba performed a quick jutsu, the two transformed into identical beings. Each looked like Kiba, though sharp-teethed and hunchbacked, feral. So…not too different from usual.

Gaara waited patiently. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure he remembered the two were there until one of them rushed him. The attacker was immediately repelled by a barrier of sand, while the second one watched thoughtfully, planning.

I had successfully identified Akamaru.

Next, the Kibas spun forward, tornados of claws and fangs, yet they still could not break the barrier. One lunged at Gaara again and was slapped into a wall by the sand. The second was grabbed in a sandy fist and lifted skyward.

"Sand burial." Gaara closed his fist, and there was a loud crunch.

"Kiba," Kurenai whispered, her red eyes wide. Beside her, Shino bowed his head.

Blood drops fell a great distance to the tile floor. If she ever bothered retrieving them, Tenten would need to thoroughly clean her weapons. They would rust, otherwise.

Against the wall, the second Kiba stared at the mass of reddened sand. He whimpered. "Akamaru…"

The sand began crawling towards him. Some of the grains had drifted from the floating mass and were dark with blood. Kiba didn't notice, still staring as the fallen sand revealed a crumpled, white leg. The jutsu had dispelled, returning both the boy and his dog to their usual appearances. Kiba's teeth had dulled. His pupils were round.

"Kiba!" Shino snapped.

The ninja noticed his death creeping forward and said, "I forfeit."

Still, the sand crawled closer.

"I said I forfeit, dammit! Stop attacking."

The proctor jumped down, as did Gaara's teammates. Kankuro said, "H-hey, uh, Gaara. It's okay, alright? You already killed somebody. That's a good number for today."

The sand redirected towards the creepy puppet master, who babbled, "Maybe you can kill somebody else later."

Temari laughed weakly. "Yeah, that seems like a good idea. We'll just stop for a minute, and if you still want to later, we'll go find somebody. Alright?"

Slowly, the sand flew back into his gourd. Temari smiled a sickly smile, sweat beading on her forehead. "Good. Good. Thank you, Gaara. Thank you for listening to your silly, older sister."

As the last of the sand retreated, Akamaru's body crashed down. Kiba ran to his dog, clutching the mangled corpse to his chest and whispering to it.

Thin wisps of orange chakra leaked from Naruto. "You bastard. You think you can go around killing people, or, or dogs, just because?"

I guess Naruto liked Akamaru. That made sense. Akamaru was the most popular student in class, back at the Academy. Sure, most people liked me, but _I _liked Akamaru.

Gaara's eyes had dark circles under them. I wondered if he ever slept. I wouldn't, if I were him.

"Killing is the only way I can prove my existence."

"You won't ever have had an existence, once I get through with you!" Naruto said.

Were his teeth always that sharp?

Gaara's brow furrowed slightly. "…I'm not sure what that's implying."

Naruto was distracted by his anger as he tried to further simplify a fundamental concept. "Well, sometimes, when somebody kills you really hard, you stop existing in the future _and_ in the past. And nobody talks about you ever again. Or even remembers you existed. Like Mizuki-sensei."

Naruto had clearly spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of existence, which I guess made him…a philosopher.

There was a reason we had no philosophers in the Leaf.

In an attempt to save Naruto from treason, I said, "Naruto, no one in Konoha has ever been named Mizuki. Stop being an idiot."

Beside his teammate, Kankuro said, "What the hell is wrong with you Konoha people?"

"At least we have souls," Naruto said, "even if they are all slow and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna destroy you at the finals, Sand-guy. Believe it!"

"Good luck," Kankuro said.

"Yeah," Temari agreed. "You'll definitely need it."

Usually, that sort of statement would be a taunt, but they seemed incredibly sincere.

"Ha! Who needs luck? I'm Naruto Uzu—"

Kakashi yanked Naruto away from the railing and whispered, "Naruto, henge into a bottle of sake."

"Huh?"

I heard a distant thundering noise, and Kakashi said, "Quickly. There's no time to explain."

For quite possibly the first time in his life, Naruto immediately followed orders. Of course, he made the bottle bright orange and, rather than a label, the word "Sake" had been scribbled on to it. Still, it was progress.

Gai burst into the arena, raced past a twitching Gaara, and leapt from the floor to the balcony railing. "Ha, ha! I have returned victorious…Oh, Kakashi, you're already here."

"Hey, Gai," Kakashi said, slinging the Naruto clone over his shoulder. "I was wondering when you'd come back."

Gai clenched his fist, shattering the sake bottle he'd been holding. "Truly, you are my greatest rival."

Behind his mask, I'm pretty sure Kakashi was smiling. "Yep."

"Settle down, everyone," the Third Hokage called as he entered the arena. "Your various vengeances can wait until the next exam."

We all jumped down, and a new Naruto poofed into existence.

The proctor coughed. "Alright, all the winners should pick a ball. This will decide your opponents in the next round."

Naruto rushed forward, along with most of the other ninja. The Third wrinkled his already heavily-wrinkled brow. "Hm. Now, someone will have to draw for Sakura Haruno, since she is receiving medical attention."

Kakashi wandered towards the bowl. "I'll be Sakura."

"I got a seven," Naruto said.

Kankuro held up the ball. "I'm number one."

Neji rolled the ball between his fingers. "Three."

"Nine here," Choji said.

Kakashi peered into the half-empty bowl. "Hm. I think I'm gonna pick four."

Kakashi reached inside, pulled out a ball, and—after a few minutes of examination—declared, "It's a six."

The rest of us drew our numbers, and the proctor said, "The third exam will begin in one month."

"A whole month?" Naruto whined.

"Well, you can always attack your opponent now, but that won't count," the Hokage said. "If you wait, you can compete in a tournament."

"Does that mean that only one person, the winner of the tournament, can become a chuunin?" Shino asked.

"No, no. Anyone who competes will be evaluated, even if you lose your first match," the Hokage said.

Temari tapped the handle of her fan, face thoughtful. "So, all of us could become chuunin, then?"

The Hokage chuckled for a long, long time. Finally, he said, "No. Well, theoretically. But _no._"

The proctor unrolled a scroll, holding it up to show the brackets which determined our matches. Both our names and numbers were scrawled underneath each line. My name was misspelled, but it wasn't worth arguing about. We had an odd number of contestants, but it appeared that Choji would fight the winner of Kankuro and Shino's match to determine which one of them would fight me. Temari and Sakura were opponents, as well.

I would be fighting Neji. It was only right that he received some warning of my murderous intentions. That way, he could prepare himself and fight at his best. I glared at him, released a spike of killer intent, and declared, "Hn."

Neji nodded, releasing killer intent in response, so I'm pretty sure he got the message.

Gai slung an arm around Kakashi's shoulders. "My student and yours, fighting mano a mano, fist to fist, in the full bloom of their youth."

"Yeah, that's pretty cool. Mine'll probably win, though. Like last time."

Gai's eyes gleamed, as did his outrageously white teeth. "You're certain about that, Kakashi?"

"Well, this time, our actually talented students will be fighting…"

"Hey!" Naruto yelled.

"…so I guess it should be worth two points, instead."

"Why not three?" Gai said, squeezing his shoulder.

Kakashi thoughtfully smacked a Naruto clone, still disguised as a sake bottle, against the palm of his hand. "I like four better."

Gai sprung over to Neji, giving him a pep talk, which the genin attempted to ignore.

"Forget about Sasuke. Who cares about that jerk? I'm fighting Gaara," Naruto said.

"That's the sand ninja, right?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah, the one who killed Akamaru."

"He also murdered Kabuto's teammates," I added. I wondered if Kabuto had ever gotten loose. Naruto was pretty pathetic at knot-tying, so the grey-haired ninja was probably back in the village, bragging about his latest failure.

"Even Kankuro's afraid of him, and Kankuro's really scary," Naruto said. "But I can take him! I'm gonna be Hokage someday."

"You're probably going to die," Kakashi said, "so, I guess I'm actually going to need to train you. We should go. See you, Gai."

"What about _my_ training?" I asked.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "Right. I almost forgot. You need to defeat Gai's student. If you lose, he'll be one ahead of me. Which wouldn't be right because, usually, I let him win."

"I'll win." My hands curled into fists. I would defeat Neji and save the Hyuuga clan.

"Let's see, how about"—Kakashi surveyed the room—"Kurenai, I need you to teach Sasuke about the Sharingan."

Then, he disappeared with Naruto, leaving me with a baffled Kurenai. She walked over. "He does know that I don't actually have the Sharingan, right? My eyes are just red."

I said, "I think it's code. Like Mokuton."

Kurenai sighed. "Is he still doing that?"

* * *

I arrived at Training Ground Twenty-Four shortly before 8 a.m. Some old lady had tried to con me into carrying her groceries, but I jumped over her so I wouldn't be late. If she wanted a genin to do her errands, she would have to pay for a D-rank like everyone else.

Kurenai greeted me. "You're on time. It's good to see Kakashi hasn't influenced you too much."

I nodded.

"Before we begin, are you sure I'm supposed to be teaching you genjutsu? I assumed you were focusing on ninjutsu, with your Sharingan."

Kurenai, like most younger ninja, had no idea that the Sharingan was an enormous sham. I would have to be very subtle.

"The Sharingan makes me amazing at nearly everything, but Kakashi wants me to be well-rounded."

"Huh"—Kurenai pursed her lips—"I assumed he was the overspecialization type."

"…Hn."

She clapped her hands. "Let's get started. What genjutsu do you know?"

"Nothing," I answered quickly. "Except henge."

Kurenai heaved a long sigh, then linked her hands behind her back. "Okay, we'll talk about the basics. What is a genjutsu?"

"An illusion created by altering the chakra flow in an opponent's brain," I said.

"Good enough," she said. "How do you dispel a genjutsu?"

"A kai." I raised my hand into a loose hand seal, though I didn't bother releasing a spike of chakra to activate it.

Kurenai began to pace. "It's easy, isn't it? Just one hand seal. It would waste chakra if you were doing it all the time, of course, but, if you have any reason to suspect you're trapped in a genjutsu, there's no real drawback to checking. So you can't give your opponent any reason for suspicion."

I nodded. "Which is why no one can ever know that you do genjutsu."

"Um, yes, you could do that. It's a little extreme and you'll probably be outed in a week, but it is an option. Certainly, you wouldn't want to _solely _do genjutsu, or one rumor could end your career. You need to mix real and fake techniques…Mostly, though, you'll want to make sure that your illusory world is perfect. Something as insignificant as the length of the grass or a lack of wind may tip off your opponent. To recreate your environment, you'll have to learn to truly grasp it with your senses. Nothing is too insignificant."

I itched to turn on my Sharingan and start practicing.

"Any questions?"

"Just one," I said. "Why are we in a genjutsu right now?"

Kurenai grinned. "You noticed that. That's very good. How do you know this isn't reality?"

I gestured towards a nearby tree. "The pattern on that tree trunk repeats three times, which seems really unnatural. It's been bothering me this whole conversation."

* * *

**Sakura POV**

Sakura paced the edge of the hospital room…well, more of a ward, really, even if it was private. She passed the feet of four beds, turned the corner, walked past the occupants' blond and reddish heads, turned again, and then passed the other four occupied beds. The room, full of soulless husks, was quiet and serene.

The inside of her head was neither of those things.

"We should follow Osamu. He has to have found something by now," Santa Yamanaka exclaimed, slamming his fist against his palm.

Ino's dad said, "It probably loops. Most minds do."

Asuka Yamanaka said, "This isn't like most minds, Inoichi."

"Besides, if it looped, he'd be back by now. It's been six hours," Santa said.

Hachiro Yamanaka breathed out smoke, gesturing with his pipe. Sakura wasn't sure when or how he got a pipe. Maybe it was part of his soul. "I still say this is a plot to dethrone the Yamanaka. The girl is probably a spy."

Inoichi held his metaphorical soul-head. "She's twelve."

"I've met younger spies."

"…and Ino's friend."

"We aren't friends. We're rivals," Ino said.

Kaede Yamanaka ruffled her niece's hair. "That's nice, sweetie."

As their debate about Sakura's mind, loyalty, and possible status as a demon rose in volume, Sakura clapped her hands over her ears. Inner Sakura yelled, "All of you, shut up!"

The souls fell silent.

Jurou Yamanaka, who had remained quiet during the argument, stared at Inner Sakura. "…Seriously, what is that thing?"

Sakura turned her attention back to the physical world as the hospital ward's door swung open, and a tiny old lady bustled in. Her back was stooped. Grey hair, piled precariously on her head, wobbled with each slap of her wooden cane.

Sakura bowed. "Good morning, Yamanaka-sama."

The eldest Yamanaka squinted at Sakura and raised her cane so that it was pointing at the girl's nose. "You. You would help a poor, old lady with her groceries, wouldn't you?"

"Y-yes?" she said, looking cross-eyed at the cane.

"That's a girl"—the woman's smile revealed crooked teeth—"So you're the little black hole, eh?"

"I'm sorry?"

The cane tapped Sakura's nose. "Your mind, girl. It sucks souls right up."

"No. I mean, not really, ma'am. It doesn't suck them up. It just hasn't been letting them go once they come inside."

The old woman shook her head, her tall hair shivering atop her. "So they all jumped in after each other like the fools they are. I understand why Inoichi went to retrieve his daughter. She's young, and getting stuck is a natural training mistake. What I don't understand is why six of my family members decided to repeat his failed plan."

Santa's indignant reply echoed through Sakura's head. "Hey! It made sense at the time."

"This is exactly why I retired." The eldest Yamanaka sighed, absentmindedly stroking the hair of one of the unconscious ninja.

"So, you won't use the mind-body possession technique on me again?" Sakura asked.

"No, dear, that would be a terrible idea. Besides, I'm running out of grandchildren"—the old lady chuckled—"We won't be shoving any more souls inside you. Let's try getting some out, instead."

Sakura sat on the edge of Ino's hospital bed. "Wait, what were you doing before?"

* * *

**Naruto POV**

The seal began to sizzle, smoke drifting up and tickling the clone's nose. Naruto dropped his paintbrush, loudly cursed, and exploded.

Kakashi glanced over his book. "Hey. I'm pretty sure I told you not to blow yourself up. That was an order, you know."

"Gah!"—a neighboring Naruto slammed his inkwell against the ground—"I'm so sick of making stupid seals. It's been two days. When am I gonna get to do some real fighting?"

The other Naruto clones grumbled in agreement. Kakashi said, "I guess I could teach you one thing."

Naruto leapt up, punching the air. "Yeah! What is it? Is it some super cool jutsu? Like that one where you pull out a guy's heart?"

"That doesn't really work without the Sharingan. And Sasuke isn't a big fan of sharing," Kakashi said. "Anyway, I think we should start with dodging."

"Dodging? I know how to dodge."

Naruto yelped as a kunai lodged into his stomach. He growled as he pulled it out; that wouldn't heal for _hours_. A clone raced forward, "You alright, boss?"

Naruto handed the kunai to his clone. "Hey! What was that?"

Kakashi stared at him for a couple of minutes, his eyes looking all distant. Eventually, the jounin said, "Oh, sorry. I was waiting for you to pop. You usually pop."

Naruto clutched his wound. "I'm not a clone this time."

"Right. That makes sense," Kakashi said.

The real Naruto staggered back to his seals while his clone replaced him. He was the new boss now, and everyone would love him. He had never had so much power before. It was dizzying.

Kakashi didn't seem to notice. "So, yeah, dodging. You use clones a lot, which means that even really light hits kill them. Usually, a ninja would dodge all the time. Instead, you just die and make another clone to take its place. That's not a _bad_ strategy. It's just…Actually, it is a bad strategy. Never mind what I was saying before."

"So, what are we gonna do?" Naruto asked.

"Mostly, I'm gonna punch you a lot and throw stuff at you, and you're gonna try to not die."

"Ha! That sounds eas—" A shuriken lodged itself in Naruto's forehead, and he poofed away.

"Boss!" the Narutos cried.

"It'll be a lot like the bell test except you can't win"—Kakashi activated all of the explosive seals with a hand sign—"Not even with friendship."


	9. A Great Day

**Ch. 8: A Great Day**

The roar of the arena, noticeable even in the distant Uchiha District, grew irritating as I approached. By the time I reached its gate, my left eye was twitching. The pink haired girl waiting for me did nothing to calm my annoyance.

"Sasuke!" Sakura raced forward to hug me.

Fortunately, I anticipated her action, leaving her to cuddle a log.

She casually dropped it. "I haven't seen you all month. Did you move again?"

Yes, Sakura was my teammate, but she was also the co-president of my fan club, religiously attending their weekly meetings. If I wanted a deranged fangirl to stalk me home, I wouldn't constantly be moving between the Uchiha District's abandoned apartments.

"How have you been?" Sakura asked.

"Hn."

She reeked of killer intent. "That's nice."

A blur of orange raced forward, flying towards Sakura. When Naruto rolled to a stop, he was clutching a log.

"Don't be so clingy, idiot," Sakura snapped, unsheathing her sword to chop her own log in half. Admittedly, it was less of a clean chop and more…crushing a line down the center.

"Where's Kakashi?" I asked.

"We had to go rescue a cat from a tree, but then it crossed Kakashi's path. So now he has to go all the way around Fire Country"—Naruto drew a circle in the air with his pointer finger—"He said he would be back before the end of the first round, though."

Sakura said, "Wait, that actually _happened?_"

Soon, we found seats in the upper portion of the stands. The Sand team sprawled out across the first row, scaring off any civilians who came too close. A large bug buzzed around Temari's ear—possibly one of Shino's. Shino already stood in the middle of the arena. It was hard to tell with his sunglasses, but I suspected that he was also observing his opponents.

Choji must have thought so, too, because he cheerfully waved at the bug-infested shinobi. Clearly, the Akimichi was engaging in psychological warfare.

Neji Hyuuga gazed coolly downwards, only two rows below us. While he watched the first match, I would be watching him. I knew his desire—the death of his clan—but his movements were unpredictable.

Kankuro didn't even stand when the proctor called out his match. "I forfeit."

Confusion and annoyance rippled through the crowd. They had come for carnage, not cowardice. Naruto led a round of booing.

"You're sure?" Shino's voice was monotone, but I detected a note of disappointment.

"Yeah, I'd rather not spend the next month cleaning crushed bugs out of my puppet." Kankuro patted the misshapen, bandaged form slung across his back.

"Winner: Shino Aburame." As the proctor's announcement echoed, bugs poured out of the puppet, flying down towards Shino.

As they crawled under his clothes, Shino remarked, "That was wise of you."

"Shino cheated," Naruto whined.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Of course he did, Naruto. If they didn't want us to cheat, they wouldn't have given us a month to do it. What have you been up to?"

Naruto shrugged. "I died a lot."

I said, "Kurenai taught me the Mokuton."

I had assumed Sakura was intelligent enough to understand the implications, but she appeared troubled.

"Uh, Sasuke," Sakura said slowly. "Your first opponent is a Hyuuga, right?"

"Hn."

"You do know that the Hyuuga aren't affected by certain jutsu, like, say, genjutsu?"

I had forgotten about that. That was fine, though. Sure, I had just spent the last month training in an art that would not help me to defeat Neji Hyuuga and avenge the Hyuuga clan. But I was still the rookie of the year. I could just beat him up.

"Next up," the proctor said, "Sasuke Uchiha vs. Neji Hyuuga."

The Hyuuga and I circled each other, each waiting for the other to make the first move. His empty, white eyes mocked me. I aimed for the spot right between those eyes when I threw the first kunai.

As the kunai rocketed past his shoulder, Neji charged forward. For the next few minutes, we engaged in taijutsu. Every time I hit him, Neji blocked with a spike of chakra. His impressive chakra control allowed him to activate any chakra point on his body in an instant.

I jumped away, to plan and consider the situation.

"Do you believe in fate, Uchiha?"

_That man_ had killed my clan swiftly, perhaps even painlessly. Neji wouldn't even grant that miniscule mercy. He would taunt them, toy with them. No matter what I said, he would keep talking. People like him always did. So I spoke truthfully.

"Hn."

"Every person is given his own path to follow, and he must follow it obediently. To the end," Neji continued.

_That man_ had been quiet, so I understood why his resentment and madness had been mistaken for normal ninja eccentricity. But I had no idea how no one else had detected Neji's genocidal intentions.

Neji's voice rose until the entire stadium could hear him. "There is only one destiny that we all share: Death."

He was clearly a maniac.

Disturbed by his arrogant madness, I spat fire at his face. Neji leapt back, twirling into a mass of glowing chakra. This protected him from both that fire jutsu and the dozen shuriken I threw while waiting for him to finish the defense. By the time he descended, I had let my attention wander. Otherwise, he never would have been able to hit me…twenty-four times…paralyzing both of my arms.

He was smug about it, too. Bastard. "I thought you were a genius."

Rage, burning like the fires of Konoha, filled my entire body. My teeth clenched. My legs tensed. My arms wiggled a little. "I am _not_ a genius."

_That man_, who had killed enemy ninja at four, was a genius. Kakashi, who had graduated from the Academy at six, was a genius. Me? I couldn't even throw a kunai straight.

If Neji wanted an example of natural talent, he was looking at the wrong member of Team Seven.

Naruto skipped class, failed the final exam, and still became a genin. While I trained, he goofed off. Sure, he would learn a jutsu now and again, but once he learned it, he would stop working. Yet despite all of that, the blond annoyance could nearly defeat me in battle.

Naruto wasted more chakra in one fight than I used in a week. He had gone from failing the basic clone jutsu to making solid clones overnight, and some of his tactics were stunningly brilliant. He might act like an idiot most of the time, but Naruto is a genius.

The dead-last was only held back by his laziness. But no one could ever accuse me of that.

I glared at Neji. "I train every day and every night to protect the defenseless from people like you."

For a moment, the Hyuuga prodigy looked surprised. He had thought that his mad plan had gone undetected. He hadn't prepared for my insight. Neji glanced towards the stands where the first victim of his rampage sat, and his face returned to its usual calm. "You shouldn't waste your time on the weak."

I remembered my clan: The shopkeepers, the elderly, the infants. I wondered if any of the Hyuuga were pregnant, as the baker had been. I wondered how many were attending the Academy. Though I could barely move my arms, my hands curled into fists. "The _weak _are not a waste of my time. It is my mission to keep them safe, and if I fail, avenge them."

My Sharingan flared to life.

* * *

**Hinata POV**

"Hey, Hinata," Naruto said, swinging into the seat beside the girl.

She glanced away from the fighters below, her face flushing. "Oh, N-Naruto. I thought you were in the competitors' section."

He laughed. "I'm in all the sections."

"Oh."

Little, orange specks dotted the arena. Were…could all of them be Naruto? Hinata wanted to ask, but she didn't want to sound stupid. Flustered, Hinata returned her gaze to the match. "He's very passionate. Your teammate, I mean."

Naruto said, "Yeah. Sasuke was really upset when Neji beat you up."

Hinata blinked a few times. She had probably heard Naruto wrong. She often heard things wrong or misunderstood them. "He was?"

"He said Neji was gonna kill you."

Wrapped up in Naruto's blue eyes and strange words, Hinata blushed. "I didn't know he cared."

Naruto grinned widely. He always seemed so happy, happier than anyone she had ever met. He didn't pretend like other people did. "Sasuke's a pretty cool guy."

Oh. That was why everyone liked Sasuke so much. She hadn't understood before, but that was probably because she hadn't been paying attention. She should be more mindful and not such an empty-headed fool. Her father always said so.

A sudden motion drew Hinata's attention to the arena. Neji had removed his headband and revealed his Caged Bird Seal to the entire stadium. He was talking about it in front of the civilians and foreigners and _everyone_.

She was almost certain that her cousin had just committed treason. He was going to die. Or disappear forever into T&I. Or maybe something far worse than both of those things. No one knew what would happen.

After all, no Konoha ninja had ever committed treason before. Everybody knew that, even disappointments like Hinata.

* * *

Neji continued, "With a single hand seal, any member of the Main family can end my life."

I stared at the indignant Hyuuga and whispered, "That's brilliant."

Why hadn't the Uchiha thought of that? If Itachi had been marked like the Hyuuga, his massacre would have ended in moments. He wouldn't have dared to touch my family with that threat hanging over his head.

I wouldn't make the same mistake. When I rebuilt my clan, I would ensure that every man, woman, and child would wear the Caged Bird Seal.

Neji abruptly ended his rant. "What?"

I didn't even need to kill Neji. The Hyuuga had anticipated his madness and protected themselves from it. Of course, he was still an insane monster, so I was going to beat him up anyway.

Maybe genjutsu didn't work on the Hyuuga, but the Sharingan wasn't a normal genjutsu. I locked eyes with my opponent. Suddenly, I saw myself through his vision: my chakra pathways glowing and arms swaying gently in the wind. I saw the outline of the spectators gawking from the benches. I saw the streaks of chakra in every blade of grass and glowing birds darting overhead.

I nearly collapsed. My head pounded, and my eyes ached, overwhelmed by the Byakugan's all-encompassing vision. I couldn't handle it.

So I turned it off.

As Neji reacted to his sudden and crippling blindness—no doubt caused by battlefield stress—I attacked. I might not have had functioning arms, but my legs were fine. Though it continued for several minutes longer, Neji lost the fight the moment my first kick slammed into his face.

One day, I was going to find that man and kill him for what he'd done to my clan. I was going to make him regret ever betraying our family, though I sometimes wondered if I would ever be strong enough to defeat my older brother.

Neji Hyuuga was not that powerful. Defeating him meant nothing to my dead loved ones. Still, as I broke his ribs one by one, it felt just like I'd always imagined vengeance would:

Fantastic.

* * *

**Naruto POV**

"Yeah, go Sasuke!" Naruto shouted as his friend shattered Neji's hand with a firm stomp of a sandal.

Sakura said, "Naruto—"

"Beat him up!"

He only really noticed Sakura's annoyance when she grabbed the handle of her sword and unsheathed the first foot. "Naruto, stop cheering."

Naruto crossed his arms. "Why should I?"

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, and breathed deeply.

Below, Sasuke's voice and cracking blows filled the silence. "You said that you were going to help me with my kunai-throwing!"

Sakura opened her eyes. "Naruto, he's crying."

"I'm still not that good at it," Sasuke continued, slamming a noodly arm against the older ninja.

"But he's winning," Naruto said.

"Sasuke's never going to make chuunin after this. He just had an emotional breakdown in front of _everyone._"

Naruto stared down at the scene. He was kinda glad to see the bastard loosen up for once, but maybe other people wouldn't like it so much. "Oh."

Sakura nodded. "Exactly."

As the proctor tried to usher Sasuke away from the unconscious body of Neji Hyuuga, Sasuke delivered one final kick and wailed, "Why didn't you ever love me, Daddy?!"

* * *

**Sakura POV**

Sasuke seemed so happy. He was hopping up the stands, limp arms swinging merrily. He was smiling. Not smirking. Not quirking his lips. _Smiling _like Maito Gai after defeating Kakashi.

"That's creepy," Inner Sakura said.

"Sasuke, you did such a good job," Sakura said.

Naruto immediately butted in. "But you said—"

She elbowed the blond, accidentally dispelling him. She blinked at the space, muttering, "I didn't think he was a—"

Another clone darted up from under the seat. "You said he was never gonna make chuunin."

Inner Sakura waved her sword around Sakura's mindscape. "That idiot should learn to keep his mouth shut."

Sasuke turned to Naruto, although Sakura doubted he could actually see the other boy. After all, he was smiling so hard that his eyes were shut. "You know what? I don't even care if I make chuunin. I accomplished everything I wanted to today: I saved the Hyuuga clan, I beat up Neji, and I proved the superiority of my ideals."

Naruto said, "Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. Hinata says 'Hi.'"

Sasuke's smile widened. If it got any bigger, it would crawl past his face and hang—white and shining—in the air. Sakura pushed the idea back with a shiver.

"Tell her I say 'Hi' back."

"Urgh," Sakura mentally growled. "That blank-eyed bimbo had better keep her hands off my Sasuke!"

Inner Sakura didn't say anything. She just quietly judged her from a corner of her brain. Sakura said, "Like you have any room to talk!"

The proctor called, "Third Match: Yamanaka Sakura vs. Temari of the Sand."

Sasuke's smile returned to humanoid proportions, and Naruto yelped, "Yamanaka?"

Sakura preened for a moment, soaking up their attention. "It's been a month, guys. I do things when you aren't around."

Temari's closed fan dug into the ground, and she casually leaned on it as Sakura descended. The Sand ninja purred, "They always put me up against silly little girls playing at kunoichi."

"And they always put me up against big ego blondes who talk too much," Sakura said, casually flipping her long hair back. "Nice fan, by the way."

Temari chuckled. "You've got good taste, at least."

The girl swung her folded fan skyward and opened it with a flourish. Unfortunately, the fan's two legs were no longer connected at the joint. One wooden plank fell nearly to the ground and a loud rip echoed through the stadium. Temari's wide eyes darted across her torn fan.

While she was distracted, Sakura sped forward and jumped into a flying kick. She was still a taijutsu specialist, after all, even if she had been focusing on…other things, lately.

During their skirmish, Sakura turned a sweet smile towards her opponent. "Oh, I hope that wasn't an heirloom."

Temari drove a knee upward, but Sakura dodged.

"Really, you should have checked the hinges this morning," Sakura said. "You have no one to blame but yourself."

Sakura heard her teammate's distant shout, "Sakura cheated!"

She rolled her eyes. It took him long enough.

"Go, Sakura!" Sasuke called from the stands, and yes, Sasuke cheering for her during a fight had been a dream of hers since she was nine. But this was seriously unsettling.

"You brat." Temari lunged forward and swung her bundled-up fan at Sakura. It left a nice hole in the grass where she'd been standing.

As Sakura back flipped away, she said, "I'm starting to see why you're still a genin."

Temari growled and hefted up her fan again. This time, Sakura met the blow with her broadsword.

A voice whispered between the Konoha kunoichi's ears. "Two girls, two comically oversized weapons. Who will prevail?"

"Shut up, Inner Sakura," Sakura grunted.

"Who are you talking t—" Temari's grip slacked slightly with her confusion, allowing Sakura to shove her backwards.

Sakura grinned. "You're pretty weak without your fan, huh? Do you even know any other jutsu?"

Temari ran forward, but half-way to Sakura, she flung the fan aside and released a wind jutsu.

Sakura let her. She didn't even dodge as the gust ripped her sword from her hand and slammed her body into the arena wall. She crumpled to the ground.

"Proctor?" Temari said coolly.

"I don't forfeit"—Sakura sat up slowly, holding herself up with her hands—"I don't think I can walk right now. But I don't forfeit."

Temari smirked. "Will a kunai to your throat be enough, or do I need to cut it?"

Sakura widened her eyes, raising her hands slowly. "Don't…"

As Temari leaned down, kunai in hand, Sakura slammed her hands together, fingers forming the bird seal only a few inches from her opponent's chest.

Temari stared down at her, mumbling, "Woah. This is freaky."

"Focus, Inner," Sakura hissed as she tackled the other girl.

Temari flailed under her. "Ah! You're so powerful and gorgeous. I forfeit!"

For just a moment, Temari's hands formed the same seal.

As Sakura strapped her broadsword to her back, she listened to Naruto and Sasuke's cheering. They were getting really competitive about it. She whispered, "We won."

Inner Sakura threw her metaphorical soul fist skyward. "Hell yeah, we did!"

* * *

While Temari squabbled with the proctor, refusing to leave the arena, I asked Sakura, "When did you join the Yamanaka clan?"

"Well, I had to learn their secret clan technique, but only clan members know that technique. So I'm a clan member now."

I nodded. Right, that made sense.

"Also, I'm technically engaged to Ino's cousin."

Naruto jumped up from his seat. "Who the heck is that jerk?"

Sakura released a flood of killer intent. "Don't call Kenshin a jerk. You haven't even met him. I mean, neither have I, but they've assured me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with him."

Naruto chuckled as he sat down. "Huh. What's wrong with him?"

Sakura smacked his head, lightly enough that it probably wouldn't leave an egg. "Absolutely nothing. Weren't you listening?"

"He sounds great," I said. This was partially because a distracted Sakura would be less likely to stalk me to my new apartment, then share its location with the rest of my fan club, and partially because _everything _sounded great. I was having a great day.

Suddenly, a poof of smoke appeared in the aisle beside us. Its occupant said, "It's alright. We're on time."

Everyone watched as the smoke cleared, revealing Kakashi and Naruto. Kakashi looked between the Naruto beside him and the one sitting in the stands. "Huh."

Kakashi casually punched the one beside him, dispelling the clone. "So, how's everyone doing?"

"I beat up Neji," I said, "and Sakura—"

Kakashi's visible eye widened. "I forgot about Sakura. I still need to arrange her training. I'll be back soon, kids."

He shunshined away again.

"I'm right here. Is he hiding from me, or…?"—Sakura shook her head and turned towards Naruto—"Isn't your match starting?"

As an explosion went off below us, Naruto said, "I'm already fighting."

Below, Naruto threw another explosive tag at the snake of sand darting toward him. Undeterred, it grabbed my teammate by the throat. He disappeared, reappearing on the opposite end of the arena. Usually, I would have assumed that he'd used the replacement jutsu or shunshin, but he hadn't made a hand seal.

"Naruto," I said, eyes focused on the match below. "Where is the real you?"

The clone next to me rubbed the back of his head, his smile twitching wider. "Heh, heh. I don't know what you're talking about."

I turned towards him. "You aren't using a jutsu to escape Gaara's sand. You aren't even in the arena."

"Isn't that cheating?" Sakura asked.

"Everyone's cheating," Naruto said. "If the proctor didn't want us to cheat, he would have said so."

Sakura took a moment to translate Naruto's mangling of her ideas. "So, where is the real Naruto?"

While another clone was strangled to death in the arena, Naruto laughed. "In the safest place possible."

Sakura cracked her knuckles. "Which is?"

"It wouldn't be very safe if I knew about it."

That was a great idea. I was proud of Naruto. "Yeah. I wouldn't trust you, either."

Naruto glared at me for an uncomfortably long time.

Another Naruto died, and the new one skidded as he raced past Gaara, throwing explosives at his unmoving opponent. I squinted. The ground was sparkling. Glass?

Ones of Naruto's tags exploded but abruptly spun upward. For a moment, the sky glowed orange.

Sakura groaned. "Really Naruto, fireworks?"

"They're cool. Right, Sasuke?"

I liked them. Sure, they were flashy and distracted spectators from the actual fight, but they really suited Naruto.

"Hn."

"Shows what you know," he grumbled. I'm not sure what his problem was. I was clearly agreeing with him.

Across the stands, several puffs of smoke replaced loitering Naruto clones. Naruto's eyes went blank for a moment. Then, he said, "Hinata thinks they're cool. So does Shino and Kankuro and all the civilians in section C. Also Ichiraku."

Sakura leaked killer intent, her face thoughtful. "The ramen chef came to watch the exams?"

Naruto said, "Nah, he couldn't close the shop today. But you can see the fireworks all across the village."

"How do you—"

Naruto raised a finger to his lips. "Shh. We're getting to the good part."

Glass coated the arena, more with each explosion. Gaara had finally realized that he was running out of sand, so he drew the remaining grains inward to form a full body armor.

Naruto chose that moment to form dozens of clones, each holding two fists full of explosive tags. As they rushed forward, one clone cried, "This is for Akamaru!"

Gaara had never needed to dodge while protected by his sand. But his sand was the weapon, now.

The resulting statue was beautiful. The glass, smooth and clear, molded perfectly to the boy's skin.

The inside was a gruesome red and oozed out at the bottom. But the exterior? Majestic.

Several civilians screamed. I guess they'd never seen a man boiled alive before. Meanwhile, Gaara's teammates gestured frantically at the other Sand ninja, most of whom were half-heartedly pretending to be civilians.

The Sound ninja, whose civilian costumes were slightly more convincing, also passed along a signal.

Then, the invasion began.


	10. Catching Up with Old Friends

**Ch. 9: Catching Up with Old Friends**

**Naruto POV**

The Third Hokage watched as a chakra barrier trapped him on the arena's roof. Three Anbu tried to leap inside, then fell twitching at its base. Then they stopped twitching.

The Kazekage ripped off his face. "Ha! You thought you had seen the last of me."

The Hokage said, "Hello, Orochimaru. I had wondered when you'd become the Kazekage."

Orochimaru scowled. "I killed the Kazekage."

The Third nodded, his hat bobbing back and forth slightly longer than it should have. "Such a barbaric inheritance ritual."

"That isn't…" Orochimaru hissed, pulling at his long hair. "Forget it. Soon you'll be dead, and _then_ I can clarify."

Orochimaru's stretched his neck out and tried to bite the Hokage. In response, the Hokage tried to shove a lightning jutsu down his old student's throat, but you could tell his heart wasn't in it.

The Hokage watched Orochimaru. "We used to be so close. Whatever happened to the little boy who begged me to teach him how to read?"

"I was a _man _then."

The Hokage sighed. "I was trying to preserve your dignity."

Orochimaru attempted to strangle him with his tongue, but the old man was too fast.

The Hokage said, "Since you aren't that attached to the Kazekage position, maybe you should move back to Konoha."

"Ku ku ku" Orochimaru laughed. "That's ridiculous."

He summoned a giant snake, but it was too big to fit under the chakra barrier, so it immediately dissolved in a poof.

The Hokage called out through the overwhelming smoke. "Our differences have never been irreconcilable. Why, I might have even forgotten what we were arguing about!"

Orochimaru stood still, watching the Hokage with his glowing, yellow eyes. "We weren't arguing. I had a secret lab where I experimented on little children."

"Well, plenty of people h…Wait. I'm starting to remember this. Konoha children?"

"Yessss," Orochimaru hissed.

"You monster! Those are mine."

Orochimaru summoned a pair of snakes that leapt towards the Hokage's arms. "How could you have forgotten? Half of those children are active ninja now. And I still don't know what you did with my lab assistant."

The Hokage sliced the snakes to pieces with a wind jutsu. "You never had a lab assistant. You worked alone."

Orochimaru flew forward, his raised fist exploding into snakes. "Stop doing that."

The Hokage stepped out of his reach. "Doing what?"

"You can't change the past, old man, no matter how many lies you tell. I was there. I remember every death, every act of treason—"

The Hokage summoned a monkey and threw it at him, calmly explaining, "No one has ever committed treason. Everybody knows that."

Orochimaru vomited up a sword and sliced the monkey in half. "Then what am I doing?"

The Hokage chuckled. "Exactly what I want."

"Oh, really? What you _want. _Do you _want _to talk about the extra nose on the Hokage Mountain?"

"That's a natural feature."

"It has nostrils. And an eye." Orochimaru's eyes widened, which showed his craziness as clearly as his crazy words.

"It's amazing how the human mind sees faces absolutely everywhere."

"Deny all you want. But you can't hide what's standing in front of you. I'm here. I'll always be here." Orochimaru ripped off his face again.

"Ah. I had wondered when you'd become a woman."

Orochimaru's pupils thinned to black lines. "I'm immortal, you idiot."

The Hokage stroked his beard. "I'm not sure how that's related to you becoming a woman."

They fought for a while. The old man never used a jutsu twice because he knew every jutsu. Orochimaru's techniques usually used snakes because—as the Hokage explained—he wasn't good at anything else.

After another failed attack, Orochimaru retreated and performed a bunch of hand seals. "I've perfected your jutsu."

"The Resurrection Jutsu," the Hokage said as three coffins shuddered up from the roof. "How did you solve the screaming problem?"

Orochimaru licked his lips with his long tongue. "I've brought some old friends back to see you. I thought you might enjoy a little chat with your…predecessors."

The three coffins were labeled one, two, and three for the First, Second, and Fourth Hokages.

The Third threw off his outer robes and hat, revealing the dark armor beneath. Back in the Academy, Mizuki-sensei had explained that most ninja didn't wear bulky, expensive armor, but the Hokage always did because his life mattered. Or maybe it was Iruka who said that. They'd only had one _real_ sensei, after all.

As the discarded clothing flew towards the chakra barrier, Naruto realized that, if he stayed hidden, he was probably going to die. So he canceled his henge and somersaulted to the ground.

The robes burst into flames as they struck the barrier.

As the first coffin slowly opened its lid, Orochimaru said, "Why were you pretending to be the Hokage's hat?"

"That's not the right question." Naruto stood to his full, admittedly pretty short, height. The blond raced towards Orochimaru.

"The question is: What did I do with the real hat?"

* * *

Kankuro snapped backwards to avoid the Sound ninja's katana. A moment later, the sword clattered to the ground, and blood dripped on the Sand ninja's clothing. The chirping hand that had just punched through his opponent's chest pulled back out, and Kankuro scrambled away as the corpse fell.

Kakashi tossed the heart in the air, then casually caught it. "Heart-Stopper Kakashi strikes again."

Kankuro shuddered. Like many foreigners, he was impolite and failed to thank Kakashi for his help.

After another experimental toss, Kakashi threw the heart at an opponent whom my teammates and I had been fighting. It hit the kunoichi in the eye, allowing Naruto to tackle her and Sakura to hogtie her.

"Hey, Sensei," another Naruto called. "Did you figure out Sakura's training yet?"

Kakashi glanced around the battlefield, walking over to pick up his stolen heart. "This is it."

"You seriously expect us to believe that you arranged an enemy invasion?" Sakura said, dodging a kick from the pinned Sound ninja and subduing her with a burst of killer intent.

Kakashi hummed cheerfully. "Good job, Sakura."

Sakura tied the last knot tightly, as the kunoichi tried to bite her.

The Sound invasion had only lasted about twenty minutes. The newly-established Sound Village could hardly keep up with Konoha's powerful ninja, and after our allies from Sand had jumped in, their forces were quickly decimated. The Sand ninja were particularly brutal. If they'd been the only fighters, there wouldn't have been anyone left to hand over to T&I.

The rooftop battle between the Hokage, Orochimaru, and—apparently—Naruto, raged on. Our team approached the battle, partially out of a desire to help but mostly for a better view.

Sakura said, "Why isn't anybody doing anything?"

"We have been," an Anbu wearing a cat mask said. "A bunch of us jumped into the barrier, earlier, and a few tried to fight the ninja holding it, but we've already lost two captains and a dozen men."

Another Anbu approached. "I'm the captain now, and I've decided that we shouldn't do anything until we have a new plan. That isn't treason; that's just forward thinking."

His comrade sighed. "Dammit Owl, stop talking about treason. Nobody is committing treason. Nobody's ever committed treason."

Kakashi's eye smiled. "Everybody knows that."

Fire filled the arena, but, if his cackling was anything to go by, the Hokage didn't need our help. "Burn, burn within the Will of Fire!"

Naruto squinted at the sizzling chakra barrier. "Why don't we just break the roof?"

Sakura said, "Shut up, Naru—"

Owl slapped his mask's forehead. "That's not a bad idea at all."

"Two coffins open. I wonder who's in number three?" Orochimaru didn't shout like a ninja. He shouted like a civilian. It was obnoxious.

Two zombies, eerily identical to the faces carved into the mountain behind them, swayed dazedly beside their coffins. The coffin marked "3" still loomed over the battle.

The Anbu leapt away to tear at the pillars, while Naruto helpfully threw some explosives at them. As the roof buckled, dislodging one of the Sound ninja, I said, "If anyone asks, I saw that weakness with my Sharingan."

The chakra barrier fell and Anbu flooded in, startling Orochimaru. The Hokage used this distraction to steal the traitor's sword and cut off his arms.

The Hokage gestured for the Anbu to stay away from the collapsed man. "Go on. Slither away with your face in the dirt. Just like last time."

Orochimaru fled, accompanied by his three surviving followers. The Anbu rushed to circle the Hokage. Naruto, in his singed clothes, poked his head out of the ball he'd curled into.

"Should we go after them, Hokage-sama?" Owl asked.

The Hokage shook his head, watching the damaged and blood-soaked arena below. Konoha fighters threw Sound ninja over their shoulders and ducked into one of the many hidden exits. The medic nin had begun to arrive, crouching over fallen ninja. One of them abruptly stood, eyes dark, and moved to a patient whom he could still save.

The Hokage's face grew sorrowful. "What _did_ Naruto do with the real hat?"

* * *

**Third Hokage POV**

The Sand ninja sat in front of the Hokage's desk, his visible eye darting from the kindly old man to the two shadowy figures scribbling in the room's corner, before settling on his hands. Though the cloth that hung from his headband covered only half of his face, he tilted his head in a useless attempt to hide the other half, as well. He wouldn't have lasted a minute in T&I.

Meanwhile, the Hokage observed his towering hat. Naruto had given it to him earlier, swearing that it was the genuine item, but the boy was well known for his pranks. Yes, it was much lighter now and had stopped adjusting itself on his head. Still, the Hokage set his mind at ease with a precise stab of the kunai. When his hat neither yelped nor disappeared, he relaxed in his chair.

At last, the Third Hokage spoke. "Baki."

Baki glanced up. "Hokage-sama?"

"I have been told that you are leading the Sand ninja that still remaining in my village."

"Only temporarily. I'm the highest-ranked ninja, so it seemed correct."

The Hokage gave him a grandfatherly smile. "How fortunate that Sand's entire army was there to help us in our hour of need."

Baki returned the smile, though it was noticeably jittery. "Y-yes. We'd just realized that our true Kazekage had been killed."

The Hokage nodded, his torn hat collapsing atop him as if releasing a sigh. "And you brought your forces to Konoha immediately, concerned for your allies. After all, the Leaf and Sand have always been such good friends."

"Always," Baki agreed. "Except for the first war, of cour—"

"Always," the Hokage repeated, his eyes squinted with happiness.

There was a soft growl, and Baki's gaze darted towards the corner where the hunched figures still wrote unceasingly.

"We probably should have noticed that something was wrong with the Kazekage earlier. He'd been quite warm towards his daughter lately, and he had taken a sudden interest in reforming the Academy System."

"That does sound unusual for Rasa." The Hokage picked up his pipe, examining it.

"Also, his face had started rotting a little," Baki continued.

"Oh," the Hokage said. "Have you given any thought to your new Kazekage, now that Orochimaru has abandoned his responsibilities?"

"Well, our first choice would have been Gaara—"

"The boy who was killed by one of my genin?"

Baki's head shot up, causing the cloth to flap upwards. It was good to see such a hopeful face. "That boy, Naruto, did seem very talented. He would make a wonderful Kazekage."

"I've already called dibs on that one."

The Third hadn't intended to promote Naruto, but the boy _had_ strategized well. He might be young and foolish, but he wasn't an idiot. If given the choice between being a chuunin of Konoha or the Kazekage of Sand, the young ninja would see the better option.

Baki deflated, his head bowed.

The Hokage said, "Don't you have any jounin that might take the position?"

The Sand ninja stared through the Hokage, his uncovered eye haunted. "Gaara killed all of our jounin."

The Hokage smiled wider. "This is still the one that my _genin_ just murdered?"

"Gaara was much more dangerous in the desert," Baki said.

The Third spoke delicately. "Did you consider taking him…out of the desert?"

"Yes, but _we're_ more dangerous in the desert."

The Hokage thought for a moment, then peered at the younger ninja. "Aren't _you_ a jounin?"

"I'm a special jounin. I specialize in"—Baki took a moment to swallow his immense shame—"taking Gaara to the Chuunin Exams."

"I see."

"We'll probably give the kage-ship to his eldest son, Kankuro."

The Hokage was glad to be back on more cheerful topics. "The genin who ran away from his match like a coward?"

"Perhaps it would be better to promote his daughter. She showed great potential during her match with the Yamanaka girl."

"Ah, right, the genin who forfeited mid-match like a coward."

Baki winced. "We'll probably tell her that she's chuunin before we make her Kazekage. It would be silly to give a genin so much responsibility."

The Third gestured with his pipe. "I wouldn't be too concerned. I was only a genin myself, when I became Hokage."

Baki glanced out the window, admiring the Hokage Mountain, eyes sweeping over its four great faces and many amusing natural features. "So I've heard."

The Hokage dismissed him, satisfied with their amiable talk. Not that he had expected any different, of course.

Konoha and Sand had always been allies.


	11. Loopholes and Lunatics

**Ch. 10: Loopholes and Lunatics**

Though the chuunin on desk duty tried to project friendliness and professionalism, the man seemed troubled. His eyes darted nervously towards the Hokage's office as he waved us in.

Sakura paused in the doorway. "Are those…?"

The Hokage called, "Come in, Team Seven. I'd like you four to meet some old friends of mine."

The white-haired man snorted derisively as he stood to set a paper on a towering stack. His black-haired companion sent another sheet atop the stack with a flick of his fingers.

The Hokage walked between them and clapped a hand atop each of their shoulders. "Let me introduce you to the First and Second Hokage. They do my paperwork now."

We watched the resurrected hokages as they continued their work.

Sakura's smile grew strained as she tried to suppress the killer intent bristling against her skin. "That's wonderful."

"I feel quite clever about it. This paperwork is only to be seen by a Hokage of Konoha, but these two never officially retired."

Hashirama flicked another paper onto the teetering stack. "I would like to resign."

"Request denied," the Hokage said with a smile. "They're much more efficient than my grandson."

The Naruto clone who was currently masquerading as the real him yelled, "Wait! You let Konohamaru do Hokage stuff? I'm the one who's gonna be the Fifth Hokage. Why didn't you ask me?"

The Hokage took a puff from his pipe. "It's a legal loophole. That's why we named him after the village."

"Sarutobi," Tobirama growled.

"I'm not saying it was a wise decision, but I had no other choice."

"You could do your own paperwork," Hashirama said.

The Hokage leaned on the stack of papers, sighing heavily. "My hands were tied."

Tobirama flung his empty inkwell through the outside wall, where it flew into the distance. Presumably, it would stop once it hit a civilian. "I am out of ink."

Kakashi peered at the two hokages.

The Third Hokage moved towards his desk, smiling fondly at his predecessors. "Truly, it is a blessing that Orochimaru is so bad at planning."

"Whaddaya mean, old man?" Naruto said, dropping down to sit cross-legged on the floor. It was incredibly disrespectful to sit in front of the Hokage. That's why his office didn't have any chairs, and when it did, it was just to trick you.

"Every time Orochimaru makes a plan, it goes horribly wrong. It's been that way since he was a young boy. He tries to become immortal; he becomes a woman. He tries to kill the Hokage; he gives us two new Hokages. Really, he's done more for the village as a traitor than he _ever_ did as a ninja."

"Wasn't he one of the legendary Sannin, though?" Sakura asked. "Our Academy textbooks say that they practically won us the Second War."

"Yes," the Hokage said, his hat slipping forward with his thoughtful nod, "but I could never make Orochimaru team leader without a huge clean-up afterwards. That's why I didn't make him Hokage."

Kakashi was still watching the hunched-over hokages, his eye squinted with suspicion. "Huh. I thought that was because he was evil."

The Third brushed away the thought with a wave of his pipe. "If we held out for every little thing, no one would ever be Hokage. Outside of his spectacularly terrible plans, Orochimaru would have been perfect for the job. He's comfortable with paperwork, patient, charismatic, great with kids—"

"Really?" I asked.

Sometimes, when Sakura was in a particularly good mood, her flowing killer intent would remind me of Orochimaru's much more debilitating killer intent. The man hadn't struck me as particularly paternal.

"Oh, yes, the children love Orochimaru"—the Hokage turned towards the door and called—"Ichiyo, come in here."

The chuunin on desk duty entered. "Hokage-sama?"

"Didn't Orochimaru volunteer at the Academy, when you were a boy?"

Ichiyo said, "Oh, yeah. Orochimaru-sempai really cared about us. I sure was upset when he went off on that training trip."

The chuunin hesitated, nervousness darting across his face as he glanced at the expressionless hokages. "Is he, uh, still on that?"

The Hokage waved him away. "Yes, of course. He's much stronger now. You're dismissed."

The chuunin grabbed a pile of paperwork from the desk as he hurried back to his post.

"We're getting off track. I didn't call you here today to talk about Orochimaru. You all have a very important mission."

We automatically straightened. Well, most of us did. Naruto scrambled to his feet and sloppily mimicked Sakura.

The Hokage continued, "It has recently come to my attention that I am not immortal."

Sakura gasped, Naruto grinned, and Kakashi glared at the recently-revived dead men. I just felt hollow. The Hokage had ruled the village since my grandfather was a child. It was difficult to imagine Konoha without him. I gave a terse, supportive nod.

"Physically, I mean," the Hokage quickly added. "Not spiritually. I will always be watching you. I am a god."

We all knew this, of course.

"Perhaps it is for the best. After all, Orochimaru only gained immortality by becoming a woman, and the Uzumaki's obsession with immortality ultimately destroyed them."

I glanced at Naruto. "The Uzumaki?"

The Hokage chuckled at the memory. "Eccentric clan. They created a death god just so they could argue with it, but then it ended up ravaging their homeland and eating their souls."

Naruto's eyes were round. "Is that what happened to my parents?"

The Hokage paused for a moment. "…Yes, come to think of it. Regardless, while immortality is no longer my goal, I cannot allow myself to die while there's no one I can possibly trust to take my position."

"Hey, what about me?" Naruto kicked the floor, which I found incredibly childish and possibly treasonous.

"Not a single soul," the Hokage said. "Until I find someone, I require treatment from the most talented medical ninja Konoha has ever produced…Unfortunately, there's only so much surgery I can perform on myself, so we'll have to settle for a distant second best: My old student, Tsunade."

"Where is she?" Sakura asked. This wouldn't be a mission if the kunoichi was still in Konoha, after all.

"Tsunade has spent the last twenty-five years deep undercover as a drunkard with a gambling problem. Don't expect her to break character when you approach her. Or any time after that."

It made sense for the Hokage to have a few spies settled among the seedier sections of Fire Country. Loan sharks and smugglers were slow to trust, and years pretending to belong among them would obviously change a ninja.

"She also may refuse to go with you," the Hokage said. "She'll likely insist that you'd have to kill her in order to bring her back home, but you shouldn't do that. It would be counterproductive."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we said in unison.

As we filed out of the Hokage's office, the Second Hokage said, "I wish I were dead."

The Third began laughing a hearty, maniacal laugh. "You _are_ dead!"

* * *

After the first few times Kakashi had turned up late for our morning meetings, we learned to be productive. Naruto and his horde of clones were practicing their aiming and dodging skills. Sakura had curled up with a book on flower meanings, having taken an interest in the Yamanaka family business. Hoping to never become like Kakashi, I meditated to strengthen my Yin chakra.

Two ninja approached. Their footsteps were light, nearly imperceptible. "I can't believe they just let us waltz right in!"

"What do you mean? We're perfectly normal ninja." My shoulders tensed as the man's deep voice spoke. That voice. I knew that voice.

The other ninja laughed. "I'm a six foot tall shark guy."

"Stranger sorts have walked through those gates."

I was almost certain…Behind my trembling eyelids, the Sharingan whirled to life.

"Is that him?"

My eyes snapped open, meeting an identical, red pair. "Itachi."

Itachi Uchiha was taller, wearing a slashed forehead protector and robes with a pattern that matched his bloody eyes. He was older, too. But he wore the same lopsided grin. "Foolish, little brother."

I leapt to my feet, racing towards him, but suddenly a giant skeleton exploded from Itachi. Its bony hand grabbed me around the waist, the fingers red with a cold fire. I stared into glowing eyes and released the Grand Fireball Jutsu. As it shied away, I slipped from its loosened grip, meeting Itachi in taijutsu as the skeleton deteriorated around us.

I stabbed him in the heart, but his cloak crumpled, a flock of crows flying from it. Itachi's kunai pressed against the back of my neck.

"Tsk, tsk. Can't you recognize the difference between your older brother and a clone?"

I jammed my shoulders back, plunging my neck into the blade. Where my black hair had once stood, a crow now clawed at Itachi's eyes. I threw four shuriken at him but, no, that was a clone, too. He hadn't moved. This whole time, he hadn't moved an inch.

I glanced at his eyes, their pinwheel tomoe falling over and over again in an endless tumble. I was standing in the Uchiha District, shaded in red and black. The baker collapsed in two halves. Her organs slipped out of her, as her hands gave one last twitch. Her eyes were black. Beside her, her daughter…

No. Not again.

I was back on the early morning street, only a few minutes' walk from the village gate. My older brother observed me with mild interest. "Ah. You have the power to change destiny. The Izanami is impressive…for a genin."

Wait, was that a real technique?

Another Itachi clone raced after me. While its quick attacks stole my attention, he used the distraction to start a new jutsu. A wave of black flames flooded the street, engulfing first the clone, then me.

* * *

**Naruto POV**

Sasuke and the guy who looked a lot like Sasuke stood really still and stared into each other's eyes. The only thing that moved were the dots in their Sharingan, which rolled around a lot. Also, they kept grunting.

"What do ya think they're doing?" the big shark guy said. He walked a step closer to his partner, reaching forward with the intent to poke him.

"I wouldn't do that," Sakura said.

He turned towards her. "Why not?"

"It's, um, it's…"

Naruto had a brilliant idea. "A traditional Uchiha staring contest! If you interrupt it, somebody's gonna blink, and then they'll be reeeeeeeeal angry."

The fish guy stared all squinty-eyed at the two Uchiha, then turned towards the two new chuunin with a smile. "Yeah, that sounds like something Itachi would do. I'm Kisame. Nice to meet ya."

Naruto beamed back at him. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm gonna be Hokage."

Sakura drew the sword from her back. She was trying to hold it in a casually threatening manner, but she was still pretty bad at holding it at all, so it brushed against the ground. "I'm Sakura Yamanaka. Some people call me 'The Demon of the Mist.' Mostly Kakashi-sensei."

Kisame's beady eyes brightened as he looked at the broadsword. "So you're the new Zabuza. For some reason, I thought you'd be taller."

Sakura watched nervously as he drew his own giant sword. She let out a puff of killer intent. "Y-yeah. Heh, heh."

Kisame advanced upon the girl, waving his sword at her. "Now, kid, I'm gonna give you some real important advice. One day, ya might realize that all the Swordsmen of the Mist have pointy teeth and think, 'Hey! I should sharpen my teeth, too. That would be cool.' But it isn't cool. Turns out, it was never cool."

"Uh-huh," she murmured, taking a step back.

"Sometimes, ya just wanna eat a salad, y'know? But ya can't." Kisame stared into the distance miserably. He shook the emotion off, slapping a hand on her shoulder.

Sakura squeaked. "A-are you going to fight us?"

Kisame said, "No. Why would I wanna do that?"

"You are a missing nin," Naruto said, ignoring Sakura's annoyed look.

"Missing nin aren't always working, y'know. Sometimes we need a vacation, too, and I've heard Konoha is really nice. You live here. What do you think? " Kisame watched Naruto carefully, as if looking for his soul. He would probably be disappointed because this Naruto was just a clone, and clones didn't have souls. Unless they did. Maybe they did.

Naruto brought his attention back to the conversation. "Konoha's the best place ever! You're gonna love it."

Down the street, Itachi and Sasuke let out a simultaneous "Hn."

Kisame's face lightened into a shark-like smile, and he sat down on the dirt road. "So, is there any place good to eat around here?"

Naruto plunked himself down beside the other man. "Do you like ramen?"

"Doesn't everybody like ramen?"

* * *

I stepped back, my eyes stinging from dryness.

Itachi's smile crawled a little larger, and my fists curled at the taunt.

Kisame, now holding a bowl of ramen, wandered over. "Hey, Itachi! I finished the mission while you were have your staring contest. Let's get outta here."

His Sharingan eyes burned through me. "I am not yet finished."

"Come on. This is just a quick in-and-out thing. We don't have time…Oh no!"—Kisame pointed dramatically towards the rooftops—"It's that Kakashi guy, heart-stopper. I've heard that he grabs people's hearts right outta their chests and eats 'em. We've gotta get outta here."

Kisame grabbed Itachi with one arm, slung the smaller man over his shoulder, and ran away. Itachi's Sharingan watched me until he was out of sight. I shivered.

Kakashi landed beside us, glancing at the cloud of dust left by the two missing nin.

"Kakashi-sensei," I said, turning towards him, "you're late."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, sorry about that. I was trying to help a lost little girl find her way home, but then I realized that _I_ was lost, so we had to go ask the Hokage for directions…It's all fine now. We found her parents—or somebody's parents."

Sakura sighed, releasing a torrent of killer intent. She turned to me. "Sasuke, when you were fighting that guy, was it some sort of genjutsu battle?"

I nodded.

She pursed her lips in thought. "Neither of you moved, so how did you lose?"

How to explain? It was a will power thing, more a mental battle than a physical one.

"He blinked," Naruto said.

Yeah, that was a pretty good metaphor for it. I turned a slight smile towards him. "Exactly."

* * *

"Have you seen this gambler anyplace?" Naruto shoved a photo of Tsunade towards a hairy man hunched over a slot machine.

A well-dressed woman peered at the roulette wheel. She dropped her chips with a shriek as Naruto popped up beside her. "Do you know this lady?"

At a nearby poker table, a different Naruto clone hounded each player.

The rest of our team lingered in the doorway, watching the crowd for the unlucky sannin. Sakura said, "Kakashi-sensei, are you sure we shouldn't tell the Hokage about Itachi and Kisame?"

Kakashi glanced towards the slot machines as they cheerfully chimed at each players' failure. "I don't see why we would."

"There were missing nin in Konoha!"

I shared Sakura's frustration. While I would prefer to kill my evil, older brother personally, the thought of him casually strolling Konoha's streets greatly disturbed me.

"They left, so it's fine." Kakashi's blinks had grown increasingly irregular as he continued to watch the machines.

"But why were they there in the first place?" Sakura insisted.

"Itachi was probably delivering an intelligence report."

The casino floor tilted beneath me, its sounds dulled as blood rushed through my ears. "That man…_Itachi_…is _not_ a Konoha spy."

"Of course he isn't"—Kakashi set a hand on my shoulder—"but he doesn't know that."

I stared blankly up at his smiling eye. It blinked, and a moment later, a triumphant sound pierced my confusion. Someone had hit the jackpot.

Sakura grabbed my other shoulder, possibly to show support but more likely as an excuse to touch me. "What do you mean, sensei?"

Kakashi casually grabbed a Naruto, yanking him towards us. "Kids, it's important for you to understand that missing ninja are crazy."

We all nodded.

"Now, most of them are crazy because they came from a horrible village, like the Village Hidden in the Mist or in the Stones. But Konoha missing nin are their own special brand of insanity. Can you imagine running away from Konoha?"

This was a trick question, of course. Outside of combat situations, imagination was strictly prohibited among Konoha ninja.

Kakashi continued, "Itachi Uchiha went insane, murdered his clan, and then deluded himself into thinking that he was ordered to do so by some ninja named Danzo. This is ridiculous because there never was a Danzo. People in Konoha aren't even allowed to name their children Danzo. Now, Itachi is convinced that he's been sent to spy on the mysterious organization Akatsuki, which he claims is run by Madara Uchiha."

"The founder who's been dead for fifty years?" Sakura said.

"Yes. Itachi believes that Madara Uchiha is bitter because he wasn't selected to be the Second Hokage."

"That's ridiculous," Sakura said. "Everyone knows that Madara was offered the position but refused it because he wanted to focus on creating the education system. That's why his statue is in front of the Academy."

I said, "The one that stares menacingly at the training grounds?"

"Exactly! He hoped that future generations would remember that he was still watching over them"—Sakura's gaze fell to her feet—"with disappointment."

"Itachi also says that his organization plans to cast a genjutsu on the moon, which doesn't even make sense."

"That's crazy," Naruto said.

Crazy. What other word could describe a man who massacred hundreds, cutting down his clan and parents? Even as a young child, some part of me realized that Itachi was delusional. Cutting down civilians was no test of power, and no Uchiha could beat the prodigy even in a casual spar. A fight to the death would obviously end the same.

I could never pity the man who took away my family, but after years of desperate questions, I finally understood him. Well, as much as one can understand a madman.

Obviously, I was still going to murder him and avenge my family, but this brought me peace in that decision.

Still, one thing bothered me. "Sensei, how do you know all this?"

"We used to read his mission reports in the Anbu break room and laugh about them"—Kakashi's expression suddenly blanked—"Of course, I was never in Anbu. No one has ever been in Anbu."

"We understand, sensei," Sakura said.

Kakashi took a step back, eye darting from side to side in search of listeners. "We never met here today. In fact, we've never met. Who are you? I must go."

Our sensei disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

Shortly afterward, a Naruto raced towards us from deeper in the casino. "Hey guys, I know where Tsunade is!"

* * *

**A/N: Curious about Itachi's intelligence reports? Please refer to all villainous rants in the later chapters of the manga, particularly the ones that contradict each other.**

**Also, in canon, all of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist have sharpened their teeth. Zabuza wears bandages over those sharpened teeth, as if he's reeeeeeally embarrassed about them. I like to think this was the Naruto equivalent of a drunken "Hey, let's all get a tattoo!" decision.**


	12. The Legendary Sucker

**Ch. 11: The Legendary Sucker**

**Tsunade POV**

Tsunade had spent years trying to escape.

She had escaped her life in Konoha, where a great stone stood with so many beloved names carved into it and so many others conspicuously missing. She had escaped the bloody responsibilities that had stained her youth. Tonight, she had escaped Shizune.

Her Konoha-issued keeper was a dependable girl. She dragged Tsunade to her hotel room after nights of heavy drinking, cared for TonTon when Tsunade fell into her most blinding depressions, and even helped the sannin avoid blood-hungry loan sharks. Despite Shizune's unforgivable resemblance to Dan, Tsunade usually felt grateful for her companionship.

Still, she relished those rare occasions when she could slip away. There was some small peace in solitude, escaping into drunkenness without a judgmental tirade grumbling into her ear.

"Tsunade! Fancy seeing you here."

Tsunade scowled as a familiar form dropped into the bar stool beside her.

"Orochimaru," she said.

His pale face leaned forward, an over-large smile visible in her peripheral vision. "How are things?"

She turned towards him, raising an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious. You're like a sister to me, but we haven't talked in years."

Tsunade said, "You don't have any arms."

"I wasn't going to mention that," Orochimaru said, "but since you brought it up, would you help me regrow them?"

Tsunade snorted into her sake glass. "You didn't take care of the last pair."

"It's sensei's fault I keep losing them."

"You're the one who provokes him. He's happy to sit on his throne and forget all about you."

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed, and his voice sharpened into a hiss. "Somebody has to challenge him, or it'll be the Senju all over again."

Tsunade stared at the wall, her lips pinched. She was on her fourth glass of sake. A few more, and she would be getting somewhere. She waved down the bartender for a refill.

Orochimaru's shoulder nubs slumped. "I really thought I could beat him this time. I had a _plan_."

"You always do."

His brows furrowed. "Why do you have to say it like that? Is this about Nawaki? It was wartime, plenty of genin died, and I've _apologized_."

Tsunade stared him down. "Remember when, years after that, sensei gave you three genin and you lost two of them during their first C-rank?"

"That was upgraded to an A, afterwards."

"It was upgraded to an A mid-mission, and you went through with it anyway."

"It was the kids' decision," Orochimaru said.

"They were twelve. Why were they deciding anything?"

Orochimaru's stubs wiggled. If he'd had hands, he probably would have been gesturing with them. "I was trying to teach them about teamwork and integrity and…Look, we're getting off track."

"Yeah?" She took another swig of sake, wondering if Orochimaru would pick up the tab voluntarily or if she'd have to trick him into it.

"Will you help me?" Orochimaru's eyes were a wide and watery yellow, his normally serpentine pupils dilated. His white lips thrust out into a trembling pout. His shoulder nubs swiveled inwards, and Tsunade could imagine phantom hands folded together beseechingly.

That expression had been slightly less disturbing when worn by a twelve-year-old boy.

Tsunade was still sober, but she would fix that later. She stood, smirking at down at her former teammate.

"Well," she said, "you are like a brother to me…"

* * *

We found Tsunade two towns over, in a filthy bar. The buxom woman latched onto the bar top with one arm, stopping her traveling companion Shizune from dragging her away. Her other arm was slung over the shoulders of an enemy of the state.

Orochimaru's head lolled against his old teammate's neck. "Remember when we went on that mission. Y'know, the one in Whirlpool?"

Tsunade giggled. "No."

"Don't do. No. Now, now you sound like Sensei." Orochimaru's frail new arms gripped his glass as he slurped sake with a freakishly long tongue.

We weren't prepared to fight a second sannin. Yes, Orochimaru was drunk and disarmed, but some ninja are more dangerous when inebriated. There were whole taijutsu styles based on the concept.

I shared a look with Sakura, understanding passing between us. We would withdraw for now, returning when our chances were more favorable.

"Hey, isn't that the guy who the Hokage beat up?" Naruto asked, drawing the eyes of everyone in the bar. I hoped that he had some sort of master plan and wasn't just attention-seeking again.

Kakashi nodded. "Yes. I believe we're morally obligated to fight him to the death. To prove our will of fire."

"No, no, no," Tsunade slurred. "It's fine. Orochi…ro…maru is deep undercover. As a terrorist."

That explained everything. Enemies of Konoha would naturally flock to a "traitor." Then, each time Orochimaru attacked the village with a poorly-led force, a new round of ninja who would dare to defy Konoha perished. Afterward, the Hokage allowed him to live because he wasn't just a non-threat. He was Konoha's greatest asset.

"If I were an enemy ninja, I never would have suspected," I said.

Orochimaru swiveled around at my voice, swaying like an incredibly drunk cobra. "You…I know you."

Despite his obvious allegiance to Konoha, Orochimaru's fascination with the Sharingan continued to unsettle me. "Hn?"

"You remind me," Orochimaru said, "of me, back when I was a boy. So young. So full of hope."

Tsunade rested her head against the bar top. "Not this again."

"I was gonna be Hokage, and everyone would love me. Love meeeeeee." Then, he melted onto the bar, like he didn't have any bones, and slithered towards the bartender. We didn't see him again for the rest of the night.

Now that the sannin's drinking buddy had disappeared, Shizune tugged harder. "Tsunade-sama, we really must go."

"Later. 'M not drunk enough yet."

"Tsunade-sama—"

The woman downed a glass in one gulp, banging it on the table to get the bartender's attention. Even half-delirious with drink, she was stubborn. We would have to be sneaky to bring her back. This mission was a lot like hunting. Sometimes, you could just run at your prey with a kunai, but often, you had to lure it into a trap instead.

"You should come back to Konoha!" Naruto yelled.

Tsunade rolled her head towards Naruto. "Not for all the sak_e_ in the world, kid."

"You've already drunk most of it, anyway," Shizune muttered.

Sakura stepped forward with a polite smile. "The Hokage has requested your return. You have a responsibility as a Konoha ninja to obey."

"No." She turned toward me with a challenging air.

I met her eyes challengingly. Even if she didn't care about her responsibility to the Third as a ninja, she should have cared as a former student. Her shirking of responsibility offended me.

Kakashi said, "As you can see, I've brought three children to persuade you. This is Naruto. He has dreams and happiness."

"Believe it!" Naruto said.

Tsunade downed another glass of sake.

"This is Sasuke. He doesn't."

I strongly disagreed with that statement. I had a dream. Well, more of an ambition.

"What about the last one?" Tsunade gestured towards Sakura.

"Oh, right. That's Sakura Haruno. She's a kunoichi in a shinobi's world. I thought you two could bond over that."

Sakura released a spike of killer intent and calmly said, "Sakura Yamanaka, actually."

Kakashi's brow furrowed. "Huh. I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time…If their pleas haven't moved you, then you should know that I won't be feeding these children until you agree to leave with us."

"Damn," Tsunade said. "Really sucks to be them, huh?"

Kakashi said, "I thought you might react that way. So I propose a bet."

For the first time that night, Tsunade seemed interested. She made an effort to lift her head from the bar. "A bet?"

"I've heard that your luck is so bad that, if you gamble against the impossible, it becomes incredibly likely," Kakashi said. "Naruto here…is a moron."

"Hey!" Naruto said.

"You were the dead last of our class," I said. If Naruto didn't want to be underestimated and held in disdain, he should have applied himself.

"I will teach this moron how to do the Shadow Clone Jutsu in only two days." Kakashi held four fingers up, but apparently Tsunade was too drunk to notice.

"But I—"

Kakashi shushed Naruto, who I'm pretty sure was currently a shadow clone. "Naruto, I understand that you cannot even perform the regular Clone Jutsu. But I have faith in myself. I can teach you."

Tsunade surveyed him with glazed eyes. "A kid like that doesn't have the chakra reserves for more than a couple of clones. He'll be dead from chakra exhaustion in ten minutes."

Under his mask, I'm convinced Kakashi was beaming. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

She shook her head. "You really don't want to be a teacher, do you?"

Kakashi glared at her with sudden suspicion. "How did _you_ know that?"

"So," Tsunade said, "what do I get if I win?"

Sakura said, "If you lose you have to come back with us, so if you win, we'll stop bothering you."

Kakashi added, "You also get to keep Naruto. I've been assured that children are priceless, so you can use him to pay off your gambling debts."

"I don't need another kid," Tsunade said.

Shizune harrumphed.

Kakashi slowly nodded. "In that case, I will run around Konoha one hundred times, on my hands."

"Does the bet sound reasonable to you, ma'am?" Sakura asked.

"No more betting," Shizune said sternly. She had successfully moved the older woman by three-quarters of an inch.

Tsunade smirked. "Sure. Why not?"

* * *

Two days later, we found Tsunade holed up in a cheap motel with Shizune and a pig in a pearl necklace. She glared at us. "You were supposed to stop bothering me when you failed."

Naruto grinned. "We haven't failed yet. Believe it!"

"Naruto," Kakashi said, "create a clone."

Naruto raised his hands, and a milk white, sickly creature crumpled to life beside him. It would have been the most pathetic example of a clone I had seen in my entire life, but I had seen Naruto's attempts back in our Academy days. This was a marked improvement.

"Bah. That thing would dispel in a strong wind," Tsunade said.

Kakashi stroked his masked chin. "This time, Naruto, you should make a shadow clone."

An identical Naruto came to life, killing the miserable illusion with a casual kick. That clone then made another clone. All three of them high-fived, cheering.

"I'm going back to Konoha," Shizune murmured, black eyes shining.

Tsunade sputtered. It seemed that, upon losing the bet, she found herself unwilling to fulfill its terms. Based on her enormous debts, this was a common problem for her. "This is a trick. You couldn't have learned that jutsu in only two days."

"You're right," Naruto said. "I actually learned it in two hours by reading the written instructions."

"Kakashi-sensei doesn't really teach things," Sakura explained.

While our bet hadn't specified that Naruto had to learn the Shadow Clone Jutsu in the two days _after_ the bet was suggested, it was better if Tsunade didn't learned that Naruto had already known it while we negotiated the bet's terms. She could find that out _after_ we got back to Konoha.

"You said he was an idiot," she snapped.

"He's more of an idiot savant," Kakashi said.

While Shizune smiled dreamily beside her, Tsunade looked as miserable as a Mist ninja. "He can't even do one of the basic Academy Three."

"Naruto is better suited for shadow clones than most people. He has stupidly large chakra reserves, but he definitely leans towards yang chakra," I said.

"Yeah," one of the Narutos said.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "He's calling you stupid, Naruto."

I really didn't appreciate her speaking for me, particularly when she was wrong.

One Naruto growled. The second made a fist. The third said, "You bastard."

"I'm going back to Konoha!" Shizune cried. "I haven't been there since I was a girl. I can go on normal missions, and—oh!—maybe I can finally take the Chuunin Exams. This is wonderful."

"Wonderful," Tsunade repeated dully.

Kakashi scooped up the bejeweled pig, his eyes smiling. "Wonderful."

* * *

The Hokage glanced up as we entered. "Ah, Team Seven. I wasn't expecting you back so soon."

We bowed. "Hokage-sama."

"And Tsunade!" the Hokage said. "What a pleasure to see you."

Tsunade strode forward. Her brown eyes locked on the Hokage, not noticing the Anbu on the ceiling with his hands ready to dart into the ox seal or the new desk where the First and Second Hokages scribbled away. "Care to tell me why I'm here?"

The Hokage's smile widened. "Maybe I just wanted you to visit."

Tsunade crossed her arms. "Right."

"It's well past time for you to come home, I think. For your mental health."

At the back of our group, Shizune nodded vigorously. Tsunade scowled, which was her default expression when sober.

The Hokage continued. "And on the subject of health, perhaps I could tap into your medical expertise."

Tsunade's scowl deepened, casting foreboding shadows on her henged-young face. "Uh-huh."

"Just a few small things, mind. Some suggestions, a couple of theoretical discussions, a few surgeries—"

"I don't do surgeries," she said.

The Hokage paused for a moment, his brow furrowing slightly. "I thought you would be out of that phase by now."

The blonde leaned forward, grabbing the desk's edge and glaring into his eyes. "I have hemophobia."

"That's not even a word."

Her grip on the desk tightened until it splintered. This sort of thing is why the Hokage's office had new furniture every time we delivered a mission report.

"I am afraid of blood."

The Hokage chuckled. "Oh, sure. You fight in two wars and spend years running a hospital and blood is just fine. But as soon as you wanted to stop working, suddenly you're _afraid_."

They were definitely going to have to replace that desk. "Are you accusing me of something?"

The Hokage simply smiled, meeting her gaze unblinkingly.

The First Hokage interrupted their staring contest. "In my day, we spent significantly less time on sanitation budgets."

Tsunade finally noticed the two extra Hokages, one of whom had paused to examine a form. She spoke slowly. "Sensei, why is my dead grandfather sitting in your office?"

"I don't think I should be in charge of this. I'm not even sure what sanitation is," Hashirama continued. As always, his voice and face were expressionless.

"I don't need your comprehension, just your signature," the Hokage said.

"Dammit, Sarutobi—"

"It's fine. They love this," he said hurriedly.

As he wrote his signature for the fifty-sixth time since we'd entered the room, Tobirama said, "Please kill me."

Hokage dismissed him with a wave. "He's joking."

Tsunade slammed her hand against the Hokage's desk, collapsing it. "You agreed to stop raising the dead."

"Technically, it was Orochimaru this time. I just didn't have the heart to kill them afterwards."

The Second Hokage snorted, slamming another form on the teetering pile above him. "Yes. Heart."

Tsunade leaned back, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. "I heard about the invasion. Did you _have_ to tear off Orochimaru's arms again? I'm sick of growing them back."

"Then don't help him next time. It just encourages him."

Her eyes cracked open, still half-lidded with disinterest. "Mm. And you should stop trying to sweet talk him. It encourages him more."

The Hokage leaned down in his chair, rescuing a photo of his old genin team from the broken desk. In it, a white-haired boy and a young Tsunade were on the verge of blows, barely restrained by a tightly-smiling Third Hokage. In the center, Orochimaru beamed at the camera. "I'm just trying to make up with the boy."

"Have you considered apologizing?"

"Tsunade, your teammate snuck into my village while wearing the rotting skin of my former ally, released an army in the middle of my favorite sporting event, and repeatedly attempted to murder me. I dare say he is obliged to deliver the first apology. Would you have been the bigger man, under those circumstances?"

"No," she admitted. "Although I didn't murder his parents."

The Hokage's brow twitched, a clear sign of fury. "Neither did I, technically. But that's a debate for later, in private. Team Seven, thank you for your help, but you are not needed for this conversation."

"What about me, Hokage-sama?" Shizune asked.

The Hokage's face brightened, his anger banished into the black abyss that exists within the heart of every good ninja. "Ah, Shizune."

Shizune folded her hands together in front of her heart. "It's wonderful to see you after so many years, Hokage-sama. I have a request, if that's alright with you."

He nodded for her to continue.

"Well, during my travels with Tsunade, I've fought bandits and petty mercenaries. We've also encountered several samurai. Additionally, I've spent the past fourteen years on an A-rank mission where I had to fight an A-rank shinobi every single day, so I was wondering"—Shizune's folded hands were clenched white—"Could I attend the next Chuunin Exams?"

"After hearing such a resume, I fear that the Chuunin Exams would be an unwise choice for you."

She bowed. "I understand."

"Why, I believe you're much better suited to a jounin position."

Shizune's dark eyes bulged, and her mouth drop open in a giddy smile. "Jounin?"

"Special jounin."

Her smile froze, and the light in her eyes forever disappeared. "Oh. What do I specialize in?"

"Wrangling Tsunade. In fact, I already find myself in need of your expertise. Team Seven, you are dismissed."

As Shizune cautiously approached the Hokage and a grumbling Tsunade, our team shunshined away. The next time we entered that office, it would have a new desk, lamp, and ceiling.

* * *

**A/N: If anyone wants to draw the Team Seven photo with Sarutobi's team, featuring Orochimaru in the beaming Sakura role, I would be incredibly happy.**


	13. Simple Flower Salesman

**Chapter 12: Simple Flower Salesman**

"Sensei, you're late!" My teammates jumped up from where they'd been lounging on the training grounds.

I released a Grand Fireball on a training post. You didn't want to walk around with that jutsu half-prepared. That sort of recklessness was how Sharingan Hideyori had burned down the old police station with a belch.

Kakashi said, "Oh. Sorry. I tripped over a cabbage and got amnesia."

"Oh, yeah? Who am I?" Naruto said.

"I forget."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I'm not some kid you can just mess around with, ya know."

"No, seriously," Kakashi said, "who are you?"

Hinata Hyuuga peeked out from behind our sensei. "S-sorry we're late. Some Academy students knocked over a cabbage cart in the market, so we, um, we stopped to help."

Stuttering, muttering, and pausing were usually clear signs of a bad liar. Hinata, however, talked like that all the time, which is why she would be an exceptionally dangerous ninja.

"Hinata?" Naruto said. "What are you doing here?"

Kakashi placed a hand atop the girl's head. "As per my agreement with Kurenai, I'm obligated to train one of her students for one month."

I snorted. "You had an agreement?"

"Sure we did. You may recall that Kurenai is the Mokuton Mistress of Konoha."

"Um, n-no she. She does, at least, I'm _very_ sure she does gen—"

"Shh," we said. "Mokuton."

Hinata hung her head. "I'm sorry."

"While Kurenai has experience with her own bloodline limit, she knows nothing of the Byakugan."

Sakura crossed her arms. "What do _you_ know about the Byakugan?"

"I've spent a lot of time thinking about that doujutsu. I believe that the Hyuuga are using it wrong, and I have lots of ideas about how they can improve. Like, they have great distance vision, but then they insist on using taijutsu. If I were a Hyuuga, I would blind my opponents and use long-range techniques."

Hinata said, "We actually use our ability to see ch-chakra points…Um, never mind."

Kakashi patted her head. "The important thing is that you stay far, far away."

Hinata wrapped her arms around herself, even though she was already dressed too warmly for the weather. "Sorry."

Naruto said, "Wait, what's Hinata's team gonna do while she's gone?"

"We're, um, out of commission right now. Most of Kiba's clan jutsu needs a, uh, a dog, but he's not ready to replace Akamaru yet. Shino is spending most of his time with his clan learning secret clan things. And I'm on medical leave, or at least, I was on medical leave. Breathing doesn't hurt anymore, so I'm probably okay."

Kakashi's eyes smiled. "I'm sure you're fine."

Naruto threw an arm around her shoulders. "Yeah, we believe in you, Hinata!"

Hinata's face turned bright red, and she promptly fainted. In retrospect, she probably wasn't ready for active duty.

* * *

Hinata soon regained consciousness and accompanied us to the Hokage Tower. Along the way, we managed to lose Kakashi, but he met up with us again after an hour or so. The desk chuunin walked out of the Third's office with an armload of paperwork, gesturing for us to go inside with a jerk of her head.

The Hokage turned his grandfatherly smile towards us. "Team Seven! Just who I was hoping to see."

A chair had been brought in, a luxury for wealthier clients. A woman perched in it, with her legs crossed one moment, her ankles the next. At the corners of her eyes, nascent age lines were deepened by an anxious frown. She had overdressed even for an audience with the Hokage. A floral kimono shimmered across her plump form, and her blue hair had been secured with a gem-encrusted clip. Black roots poked out from the part; she wasn't a natural blue. This woman wasn't nobility, unless she'd married in. She hadn't been born into generations of wealth like the Daimyo's wife, or even Hinata, who was currently doing her best impression of the office walls.

The bottle blue-haired woman's lip trembled, and she seemed ready to burst into sobs at any moment. "They're so young."

"Ha! I might look young, but I'm gonna be Hokage in a few years. Believe it!"

Nobody ever believed it because we all had higher hopes for our village's future.

Sakura elbowed him, her expression lightly annoyed. "We're actually quite experienced, ma'am. Naruto and I are both chuunin, and our teammates are also very talented."

I didn't even care that both of my teammates were chuunin while I was still a genin. I had fun at the exams, and rank didn't really matter, anyway. The Hokage was only a genin when he assumed the highest position in the village, so even though I was technically outranked by Naruto and Sakura, I still knew that I was better than them.

"Oh, I just worry, you see. I've had a soft spot for children ever since I had my own," the woman said.

"Once you start being a parent, you never do stop"—the Hokage chuckled—"Team Seven, meet your new client, Nene Akaike."

"A pleasure to meet you, ma'am," Sakura said as we bowed.

The woman's frown twitched into a stiff smile. "Call me Nene, please. Everyone does."

Hinata murmured, "What do you need us to do for you?"

Nene sobbed softly, her eyes dry and clear. "My son. He's been kidnapped!"

Neat. Our first B-rank. That was exciting.

We were all pretty desensitized to kidnappings and murders, considering our line of work, but Hinata put in a token "That's terrible" to soothe the client's crocodile tears.

"It's just tragic, isn't it? Like something out of a story." With a trembling hand, Nene drew a silk fan from her lap and began to fan herself. Her sweet, fruity perfume wafted towards us.

She continued, "It's the Iijima who took him from me."

"What's an Iijima?" Naruto asked.

"They're our rival family. They've wanted to absorb my family's perfume business for decades because ours are so fragrant and theirs are so"—she wrinkled her nose—"stinky."

By now, her own perfume had suffused the room, bringing to mind tropical fruits in the first stage of rot. The Anbu would fan out the offensive air later, unleashing it on the innocent citizens of Konoha.

Nene's lip trembled. "You have to help me! My Akihito is all I have left after my husband…"

Nene covered her face with her hands and burst into sobs, occasionally peeking out at us from between her fingers.

"We'll take the job," Kakashi said. Of course, the only person with a choice here was the Hokage, but it was important to put on a show of "free will" for the clients. They really ate that stuff up.

As Nene's hands returned to her lap, her face was unflushed and no trace of tears remained in her voice. "Thank you! Thank you! How can I ever repay you?"

"Cash, preferably," the Hokage replied with a kindly smile. "But we also trade in luxury goods and political favors."

* * *

The client had promised to significantly increase our pay if we left that night. We all split up to gather our supplies.

I had recently moved into a house deep in the Uchiha District. The local wolf pack had grown restless beneath the full moon, so—aside from Kakashi—I was the last to arrive at our team's meeting spot.

Naruto had amused himself by stacking clones atop each other's heads. Upon my arrival, I casually threw a shuriken at the bottom one, sending them all toppling in a cloud of white smoke. Hinata, her Byakugan activated, helped the real Naruto up from where he had landed.

He glared at me. "You're a jerk, Sasuke."

Rather than argue the point, I extended an olive branch with some helpful advice. "You should pay more attention to your surroundings."

Sakura rifled through her pack. "Do you three mind if we make a quick stop? I need to grab some supplies."

"Sure," Naruto said.

"N-no," Hinata said. "I don't…mind, I mean. It's fine."

Sakura should have gotten her supplies earlier, rather than take time away from the mission. True, the client's call for urgency might have been the result of a worried mother, but it might also have been a sign of real danger. If we were too late to save the boy, it would be on Sakura's head. Besides, it's dishonest to promise haste and not follow through.

"Hn."

Sakura turned to lead us downtown. "Great! They work much better when they're fresh."

Sometimes, I feel like nobody in this team ever listens to me. But maybe that's all in my head. My mother always said that I was a pessimist.

As we walked, Naruto said, "Hey, what about Kakashi? How's he gonna know where we went?"

"Kakashi's following us," Sakura said. "Or at least, he was watching us earlier. Is he still there, Hinata?"

Hinata peered through the surrounding buildings with a sweep of her veiny, empty eyes. "Y-yeah. He's nearby."

Kakashi was waiting for us when Sakura found the correct shop, where he profusely apologized for being early. "I lost my watch."

"You never had a watch," I said.

Kakashi stared longingly at his wrist. "It's been lost for a long time. Ever since…the war."

With a waft of killing intent, Sakura said, "Well, I'm glad you arrived on time for once."

Kakashi held up a hand when she moved towards the shop's entrance. He crept forward, shoving the door open with a kunai raised. A bell chimed.

The shop was surprisingly bare. Potted flowers were scattered on the shelves, along with some rows of packaged seeds. More boxes were cluttered behind the counter, and based on the building's exterior, the back room must have been twice the size of the show room. A teenager, a few years older than us, stood behind the counter. His gaze flicked over our team, darting towards all the usual pockets where ninja keep their weapons. His hands hid behind his back, and I was almost certain that a single twitch of Kakashi's kunai would send them flashing through a set of seals.

His eyes were a flat blue and his red hair hung in a long ponytail. The resemblance to Ino struck me immediately. A Yamanaka, then.

"Ah, Kakashi," the Yamanaka said, "Back for more belladonna? Or would you prefer angel's trumpet? We also have a special on hyacinth and monkshood."

Kakashi slowly shook his head. "No. I'm not here for poisons."

The Yamanaka lightly tugged at his ponytail. "Of course you aren't because we don't sell poisons. This is a flower shop."

Sakura was the last to enter with a giggle. "Hi Kenshin."

The blond pulled a box off of the shelf behind him, setting it on the counter. "Sakura! Back for more flower petals?"

Sakura strolled to the counter, plucked a few packets from the box and slipped them into her dress's pockets. She then pecked the older boy's cheek and turned to us with a wide smile. "Meet my fiancé, Kenshin Yamanaka."

He bowed. "It's a pleasure to meet all of you. I'm Kenshin, a simple flower salesman. You might find that strange, since the Yamanaka are a ninja clan, but that doesn't mean that everyone in the clan is a ninja. Maybe I failed out of the Academy. There's nothing strange about that."

Naruto squinted at the other boy. "Nobody thought it was strange."

Kenshin beamed. "And why would you?"

Naruto leaned forward threateningly. "Hmmm."

Sakura glanced at the door, then tucked one more packet in her jacket. "We should go. Bye!"

Kenshin waved goodbye as we left the shop and walked down the long road out of town. As we approached the village gate, I turned to the girl next to me. "Hinata, is he still waving?"

Hinata reactivated her Byakugan. "Y-yes."

Naruto sent a glare over his shoulder, down the road, and through several buildings. "There is something seriously wrong with that guy."

I agreed, but it was probably best not to pursue it. Curiosity was fine on a mission, but in Konoha, thinking too hard about your fellow citizens was courting treason.


	14. Welcome to Lightning Country

**Chapter 13: Welcome to Lightning Country**

Despite the carriage which lumbered behind us, getting stuck in mud puddles and frightening the local wildlife, our team had made good time. We hadn't been attacked by enemy ninja or local bandits. No traveling merchants had tried to latch onto our group in an attempt to scam free protection from Konoha ninja. We had barely even spoken to the client, since she spent her days locked inside the carriage's compartment. She would giggle, conspire with her personal mercenaries, and occasionally release an overdramatic sob. At some point, she was probably going to attack us, but so far, the mission had been incredibly boring.

We had just passed the border of Fire Country when Naruto stopped in the middle of the dirt road, blocking the carriage's path. Nene's guards rushed over to soothe the horses while Naruto said, "What do you mean we're going all the way to Lightning Country?!"

Three days into the mission, and he apparently didn't know what the mission was. I raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you read the mission briefing?"

"They're twenty pages long!"

Naruto was exaggerating. This particular packet was sixteen pages, and the last page was practically empty.

"Who actually reads those things?" Naruto said.

"Me," I said.

Kakashi finally noticed that the rest of us had fallen behind, glancing away from his book for the first time since I'd woken up that morning. "I looked at it."

"It's important to fully understand the situation _before_ you're in the middle of it, Naruto," Sakura said.

"Like that ever works. Clients lie all the time. Right, Hinata?"

Hinata pushed her fingers together, staring at them and hunching slightly to make herself smaller. "I…I mean, I've never realized, but maybe I wouldn't know. Uh, I don't know."

Naruto said, "I'm just saying that somebody should've mentioned that we were going really far away."

There was only one reason why Naruto would be so concerned about the unexpected length of this mission. While I couldn't quite keep the humor from my voice, I tried to treat his predicament with sympathy. "What? Didn't bring enough underwear?"

Naruto made a fist and menaced me with it. "Sasuke!"

The client opened her carriage door, only her blue hair and cheerful eyes visible. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine, ma'am," Sakura called. "We'll be moving again in just a moment."

The kunoichi grabbed Naruto by the ear, pulling him forward into a jog. "Stop holding everyone up, you moron."

The rest of our team matched her pace, though Naruto tripped before adjusting to being led around by the ear. "Sasuke's the one being a—"

Sakura viciously twisted his ear and turned to Kakashi with an inquisitive look. "I've actually been wondering why Nene hired us."

"Because she wants her son back," Kakashi said. Behind us, the carriage resumed its sluggish pace.

Sakura reluctantly released Naruto's ear. "No, I mean, why hire Konoha ninja? The Village Hidden in the Clouds is much closer."

"Ah, I see. Kids, sometimes it's worth putting in a little more time and money to get quality." Kakashi returned his attention to his book.

"Because Konoha has the best ninja in the world!" Naruto once again stated the obvious in a desperate bid for attention.

I said, "Everybody knows that. Moron."

Sakura released killer intent in…agreement, I guess.

An angry Naruto clone appeared beside me "We're gonna beat you until there's nothing left to beat."

My Sharingan flared to life, and I locked eyes with him. "I'd like to see you try."

"Enough, you two," Sakura snapped. "We're on a mission."

She was right. This was incredibly unprofessional.

"I won't attack first but, if the dead-last charges me, I'm going to keep setting clones on fire until every last one of him goes up in flames."

Naruto's sharp incisors gleamed as he smiled at me. "Ha. We'll see about that."

Sakura drew her sword, menacing us with it. "Sensei, aren't you going to stop them?"

Kakashi looked up from his perverted book. "Sasuke, stop insulting Naruto. Naruto, stop being insulted by Sasuke. Hinata, learn how to use chakra strings."

Hinata lifted her chin slightly. "W-what?"

"It'll help you with your Byakugan."

Hinata's body resumed its usual, defensive position. "Okay."

We continued down the muddy road for a few more minutes.

The killer intent radiating off Sakura's body thickened until she finally asked, "Are you going to teach her when we camp for the night, sensei?"

"I don't think it really needs teaching. You just put chakra in your fingers and wiggle them. Like this." Kakashi demonstrated.

Though Kakashi was technically only teaching Hinata this jutsu, his explanation piqued our interest and, over the next couple of days, I often caught my teammates' fingers wiggling. My own attempts were reserved for quiet moments, when the journey grew dull or my late-night watch dragged on.

Not one of us produced a wisp of chakra string.

* * *

The road we traveled was thin but cobbled, a necessity in a land best known for its frequent thunderstorms. The Naruto clones and Nene's guards had steered her carriage from our muddy campsite to the road, but still we waited. I paced from an indignation-puffed Naruto to a wilting Hinata.

Hinata peered at the carriage, where the client had dramatically retreated twenty-seven minutes earlier. "Miss Nene is…is quite upset. Sh-should we start traveling soon?"

Sakura, sitting on a large rock, struck her sword with a whetstone. It scraped loudly. "You shouldn't let her intimidate you. She isn't in charge just because she's paying."

Behind her back, Hinata anxiously wiggled her fingers. "N-no. I know that. I do. But, but the person who is in charge isn't here right now, so maybe we should try to make her happy. The mission comes first, r-right?"

"If we leave our teammate, we'll be worse than trash," Naruto said with a stern nod.

Hinata's fingers twitched more quickly.

"I don't know what you're worried about. Kakashi's probably just late," I said.

"If he had to go someplace, why not tell someone?" Hinata said.

I glanced at the road, where our client and her retinue were anxious to leave. "Because he's Kakashi. Let's go. He'll catch up."

"You're full of garbage, Sasuke," Naruto growled.

Sakura stood, killer intent pouring off her. "I'm the chuunin here, so it's my decision. Got it?"

Naruto's brow crumpled inwards. "Wait, but I'm a—"

Sakura raised her sword. "I _asked_ if you understood."

Naruto glared at his feet.

Hinata clutched a kunai, eyes darting between Naruto and me, as if wondering if she should get between us and the maniac brandishing a sword. She wisely chose to back up and attempt to blend in with the scarce shrubbery.

"Fine," I said. "What do you want to do, then?"

Sakura's sword fell, and she traced a line in the mud with it, blushing. "I haven't decided yet."

"What are we deciding?" Kakashi dropped out of a nearby tree. That was particularly disturbing because it didn't have any leaves, so I should have noticed him up there well before he chose to show himself.

Naruto and Sakura stated the obvious fact that Kakashi was late.

"Right, sorry. I could smell salt-broiled saury cooking in the nearest village and had to try some"

One of Nene's guards took off his sunglasses and cried, "That's got to be four miles from here. How did you smell anything from that far away?"

"I'm a dog," Kakashi said. "While I was there, I learned a few things about the Iijima family. It turns out, they're perfume salesmen."

"That's in the mission briefing," Sakura said.

"Nene mentioned it during our meeting, too," Hinata said.

"And now we know for sure. They also say that Lady Iijima is barren."

"Rumors"—Nene had exited her carriage, clutching her kimono tightly—"Nothing but awful, awful rumors. Spreading such filthy things…I couldn't have imagined that ninja were such gossips."

What did she think information gathering was? I had always struggle with intelligence-based tasks because I don't naturally take an interest in people.

"But, if that were to be true, I suppose"—Nene's lip trembled—"Well, I suppose that's why she wants my Akihito. You couldn't ask for a better son."

Naruto gave her a thumbs up. "We'll bring him back to you safe and sound, lady."

The woman's lip curled into a tight smile. "I'm sure you will."

As Nene again disappeared into her carriage, Kakashi pulled off his pack, revealing the empty eyes and swaying limbs of the object that had been strapped to it. "While I was in town, I bought this."

"A puppet?" I said.

The puppet was about a foot tall, and looked slightly weathered by age. It resembled a child with white skin and a red kimono. It had been caught mid-laugh, with black crescent eyes and an empty smile. Its hands seemed to reach for something as Kakashi untangled the puppet from the straps of his pack. He tossed it at Hinata, who caught it with a squeak.

"I thought you might like this."

"Thank you?" Hinata held the puppet an arm's length from her body. Only politeness kept her from flinging it into the surrounding country and running. "You really, really shouldn't have."

"Don't worry. It was free because all the strings are broken, and the saleslady thinks it might be possessed," Kakashi said.

Sakura giggled, either assuming Kakashi was joking or reveling in Hinata's misfortune. "You've been busy. I guess you really earned that saury."

Kakashi's eye widened. "I knew I forgot something. Kids, I'll meet you in the nearest village."

He shunshined away, leaving us to go on without him, which we should have done twenty minutes before.

Hinata kept glancing nervously at the puppet tucked beneath her arm as we resumed our journey.

Naruto laughed. "Heh, I guess you're really a part of the team, now. Right, Hinata?"

She colored slightly. "W-what do you mean?"

"Well, Kakashi gave Sakura a sword and me some exploding tags and Sasuke the Sharingan, and now he gave you a creepy dummy. So it means you're one of Team Seven now."

Sakura clapped her hands together, eyes shining. "It's like a welcome gift."

"I see"—Hinata paused to stuff the puppet into her pack—"I don't understand why, well, why give th-this present, though."

"He's probly trying to teach you a lesson," Naruto said, checking that his exploding scrolls weren't primed to explode.

Her fingers stroked the puppet's flared sleeve. "R-really?"

Naruto was clearly botching this explanation.

I said, "Kakashi isn't like Kurenai-sensei. She teaches things. Kakashi is more subtle. He makes you figure everything out for yourself."

"He drops little hints that sound insane at first," Sakura said, "but they're full of clues."

"For example," I said, "he once told me that the only way to beat a Nara is to not have a shadow, and I didn't think that was possible. But when I was fighting Shikamaru, I realized that all I had to do was set myself on fire."

Hinata glanced towards my feet. "Oh. Right. I, uh, remember that. Did you heal well?"

Sure, I had some mild scarring, but there had been no permanent damage. I gave her a small nod of acknowledgment and began our walk towards the next town.

* * *

We planned to leave the client and her guards in a small cave a few miles outside of town. If anyone had recognized her as the missing boy's mother, Nene had claimed, he would be in terrible danger. Although a few Narutos had begrudgingly agreed to remain, the rest of our team had disguised ourselves as traveling merchants looking to sell our wares to the wealthy Iijima family.

Our forehead protectors lay hidden in Kakashi's cart beneath dozens of henged Narutos. Sakura, Hinata, and I had replaced our usual clan-marked clothing with the browns and greys common among civilians who spent long stretches on the road. Kakashi had reluctantly removed his flak jacket. Naruto wore his usual clothing, disguised as a civilian who wanted to look like a ninja but couldn't quite pull it off.

"Sensei," Sakura said, "won't it be suspicious if the targets see a Hyuuga with us?"

"Good thinking, Sakura." Kakashi leapt several feet, snatched the sunglasses from one guard's nose, and tossed them to Hinata.

"Wear these," he said.

Hinata put them on. "Um, because…"

"Because you're blind now, and nobody wants to see that." Kakashi winked, or maybe he was just blinking emphatically. He had replaced his forehead protector with a bandana and his mask with a slightly larger mask, so we were actually seeing less of his face than usual.

We started down the road to town, the client's entourage and Hinata's creepy new puppet watching us go. After roughly twelve minutes, Kakashi—who was pushing the cart at the front of our group—said, "Hinata, trip more. You're blind."

"Sorry." Hinata faked a stumble, which turned into an actual stumble. She nearly toppled into the dirt, but I yanked her upright by the back of her shirt.

It was a medium sized town, more drab than Konoha and slower-paced, but the people were well-fed. A pasty-faced woman with round eyes approached us. She snatched Hinata's arm. "You would like a new ribbon, wouldn't you?"

"I…I," Hinata stuttered, frantically wiggling the fingers of her trapped hand.

"I've plenty in my stall. Would you like a look?"

"I…"

Naruto stalked back. "Hey, lady, get off her, will ya? Can't'cha see she's blind?"

While Hinata and I caught up with the others, Naruto stayed to argue with the saleswoman. That was fine. There were plenty more of him in Kakashi's cart.

Hinata's fingers continued to wiggle as she peered anxiously at the other merchants shouting around us. I gestured towards her hand. "Still working on that?"

"Yeah. Kakashi-sensei told me what to do, but"—Hinata's fingers twitched faster and her voice fell to a whisper—"I can't get it right."

A thought occurred to me. "Hn."

Hinata glanced at me. She was really doing a pitiful job of faking blindness.

I said, "Kakashi's a genius. Complex jutsu may come naturally to him, but people like you and me need to figure every little thing out, things Kakashi doesn't even realize he's doing."

Hinata's hands stilled, and she stared forward, which was much better for her disguise. "I see."

"Besides," I said. "I'm pretty sure Kakashi doesn't know how to make chakra strings."

Hinata abruptly halted, Naruto racing past as he rejoined our group. "W-what do you mean?"

"If he knew the technique, he'd have shown it off by now."

Her usually polite smile grew a hair larger. "Thank you."

As advice went, that wasn't even particularly helpful. I shrugged.

"N-not just for, for this. During the tournament, as well."

Right. If somebody had tried to save my clan from being massacred, I'd be grateful, too. Sure, the Hyuuga Clan had already figured out how to deal with their traitorous members, but I liked to think I'd made a difference that day. "How's Neji treating you lately?"

"He's nicer," Hinata said.

Good. I had taught the mad Hyuuga something, after all.

We could see the Iijima mansion's lawn from across town, its lands carpeted with flowers that grew as densely as the grass in the Forest of Death. A gardener scurried among the early morning dew, watering some flowers, planting others, and ripping out those that had died overnight. The Lightning Country climate couldn't be kind to the flowers. Even grass and ferns often struggled to survive among the rocky terrain and violent storms. But no one would guess it upon seeing the Iijima's lands.

A delicate wall surrounded the home, comprised of thin, white piping that appeared bumpy, as if it had been painted over many times. We passed through the swooping archway and into the smaller garden outside of the mansion's tall doors.

Four ninja waited inside.

They were a genin team. A sharp-eyed blonde jounin lounged in the corner, eyes closed as if she was napping, but her ears twitched at every noise. The rest of the team seemed average—two boys and a girl.

"This mission is never going to end," the girl said. She was black-haired and dark-eyed, with the brown skin common among Lightning citizens.

The taller boy laughed. "I sure hope it doesn't. We're getting paid to do nothing. It's great."

The girl crossed her arms, paused, then crossed them again but lower, to prop up her small chest. "It sucks."

"Shut up, moron," the other boy said. "If you keep bitching, you'll get us put back on D-rank duty."

"D-ranks were better than this. I mean, seriously. What are we even defending against?"

Their sensei cracked one eye open, watching us coldly. "Children, do your job and greet our guests."

The taller boy, darker skinned and lighter haired than his female teammate, turned towards us. "Who are you?"

Kakashi's eye smiled. "Perfectly ordinary flower salesmen."

The boy crossed his arms. "Why'd you say it like that?"

"Like what?"

His dark eyes widened. "All suspicious-like!"

"Suspicious-like isn't a word, Chigau," the shorter boy drawled, running a hand through his lightning blond hair.

"It might not be a word, but it's a thing." Chigau stuck his tongue out at his teammate.

Meanwhile, the girl sidled up to me. "Hi, cutie."

Hinata abandoned me in my time of need, stepping forward to whisper in Naruto's ear.

The kunoichi laid a kunai-calloused hand on my arm, giggling. "So, you like flowers, huh?"

I took a step to the right, smashing my sandal into the floral lawn. "I sell flowers."

"Mm"—she took a step after me, leaning to whisper in my ear—"Wanna give a girl a discount?"

"No." I reminded myself that using kunai, fire, or my full strength to fight her off would jeopardize our mission.

The shorter boy walked over, scowling. "Cut it with the seduction techniques, Suku. Nobody's interested."

Suku let go of me, trailing a hand down my arm as she left. She turned towards her teammate with pursed lips. "Oh, Ya-ke-ru. Are you jealous?"

Yakeru turned away with a sneer. "You're such a slut."

She languidly followed him. "Oh, you are _so _jealous."

"Sensei," Chigau said. "The flower people are spies."

"Well, that's a hefty accusation," Kakashi said.

"Sensei, they're _obviously_ spies."

Suku rolled her eyes. "Did you seriously just accuse somebody of being a spy both out loud _and_ right in front of them? God, you're dumb."

Chigau said, "I'm not dumb! I'm gonna be Raikage someday."

"No you're not"—Suku leaned towards him with a vicious smirk—"'cause you're dumb."

"Also, nobody likes you," Yakeru added.

"You're an asshole," Chigau spat back.

Their sensei spoke through gritted teeth, her voice a hiss. "Children. If you think someone is a spy, _detain them._"

"Sorry, Yugito-sensei," they said.

"Well, since we won't be selling these flowers…" Sakura overturned the cart, and every flower transformed into a shouting Naruto. There were Narutos everywhere. Some charged at the Cloud ninja while others ran away. The rest of our team henged into him and fled.

It had been long enough that our distraction was no longer necessary.

* * *

**A/N: Hinata's puppet is based on Japanese Ichimatsu dolls, which I had to stare at for a prolonged period in order to write a decent description. In other news, I am now terrified of Japanese Ichimatsu dolls.**


	15. Good Guys vs Bad Guys

**Ch. 14: Good Guys vs. Bad Guys**

We met one more Naruto on the road out of town. A child dressed in silk clothes flailed in his arms. Naruto summoned a second clone to hover behind him just in case he dropped the fighting boy or one of the child's frantic kicks dispelled him.

Naruto yelled over the boy's wails. "He's upset."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

The kid matched Nene's description: A fine-boned boy, only eight years old, with ears as big as saucers and eyes a few shades darker than his mother's hair. He took after his father's side, she had explained.

Although our rapid pace whipped the air from his lungs, rendering his cries unintelligible, Akihito still screamed and wept as if the Nine Tailed Fox had shoved its snout into his window and run away with him. Although the boy resembled his father, he had inherited his mother's flair for the dramatic.

We reached the cave in only half an hour, leaving a squadron of Narutos at the entrance.

"I wanna go home," Akihito wailed. "Let me go home."

Sakura smiled at him, bathing the boy in a gentle wave of killing intent which terrified him into silence. "Don't worry. You'll be home soon."

Nene burst from her carriage. During the trip, her hair had frizzed and her fine clothes had crumpled. She ran to her son, pulling him into a hug and pressing her nose into his hair. She whispered, "Akihito, oh, my Akihito."

"I wanna go home."

Her hands smoothed his dark hair. "We will, sweetie."

Akihito jerked away. "Not with you. I wanna stay with dad."

Nene's lips pinched and her nose subtly wrinkled. "Your father doesn't love us anymore."

The boy shook his head. "He loves me. He told me last night. He tells me every night."

She faked a smile, blinking rapidly to whip away nascent tears. "He's lying, baby."

His saucer ears flushed red. "You're the liar."

I watched them. The boy whose father wasn't dead and the woman whose son wasn't kidnapped. Well, not until today. "He's right, you know."

Nene turned away from her son, fury inching onto her face. "Excuse me?"

"You lied," I said. "You do realize that rescue missions and kidnappings are the same price in Konoha?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I do," the eight-year-old said.

Nene placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. "Children should be silent."

Naruto, who had been watching the situation with squinted eyes, suddenly exclaimed, "Wait a second, are we the bad guys?"

Kakashi took a moment to consider the cave and its inhabitants. "Well, we did just steal a small child from his loving father, but we also reunited a boy with his loving mother. So I guess that makes us about even."

The boy sniffled. "I want my daddy."

I had _been _this kid once. "We're the bad guys."

Sakura fiddled with the mask atop her head. "I mean, it's not _that _bad. We didn't know that we were kidnapping anybody. And why would the family have a bunch of ninja there if they weren't doing something shady?"

Hinata nodded so deeply that it bordered on a bow. "Father always used to say that C-Cloud ninja will accept any job because they only do missions for the money."

"Wait, isn't that why _we_ do missions?" Naruto asked.

"Of course not," Kakashi said. "We perform missions for the honor of it. The money is merely a screening process."

The kid had resumed crying. Behind her sunglasses, Hinata's eyes darted towards him. "Do you th-think that we should take him back?"

Sakura shook her head. "We can't just abandon the mission."

"We said we'd rescue him, not kidnap him," Naruto said.

"You sure? I know you never read the mission briefing," I said. "Besides, it's a pretty minor distinction."

Naruto crossed his arms. "Well, yeah, but Nene lied _and_ she's being a jerk. So we shouldn't help her."

"Yeah!" Akihito cried. "You're the best."

Naruto laced his fingers behind his head, beaming. "Heh, heh. You bet I am, kid."

"Don't be an idiot, Naruto. This is…" Sakura paused at Kakashi's raised hand.

"Team, this is one of those situations where being a ninja is confusing. Luckily, I have a story that I think will help us come to a decision."

We all watched him expectantly.

"This is the story of the first ninja, who they called the Sage of the Six Paths because he wasn't a ninja at the time. He was a sage. The sage invented chakra and shared it with our ancestors. You see, before this, humans didn't have chakra, even though all living things have chakra. It was a strange time. The sage hoped that people would use their new chakra to come together in peace. So we took the chakra and invented ninjutsu. And ninja have been fighting for peace ever since."

Naruto grinned, Sakura's eyes shone, and Hinata wrung her hands. We all felt pretty inspired.

The eight-year-old was clearly too young to fully understand the moral of the story. "If ninja are fighting for peace, then why are they always starting wars?"

"Because of the bad ninja," Kakashi said. "I didn't mention that part because there were children present."

"That doesn't even make sense," Akihito said, "and what does that have to do with _my_ situation?"

"Look, kid"—Naruto jabbed a finger at the boy—"Not everything is about you, okay?"

"But you were talking about my mom kidnapping me, and then you went way off topic."

Naruto growled. "You shouldn't complain so much. Plenty of people don't even _have_ moms."

I nodded. "She could have been murdered by your evil, older brother."

Akihito scowled. "But I don't have a brother."

I activated my Sharingan and set my tomoes spinning. "Be grateful."

Akihito shivered and quieted, so I guess we had taught him a valuable lesson about appreciating your blessings.

Sakura pushed past us. "Alright, I'm going handle this since I'm the only person here who has parents."

Hinata peeked up at us over her sunglasses. "I have…Actually, no. Never mind."

Naruto crossed his arms as Sakura smiled sweetly at the boy and spoke in dulcet tones.

Naruto grumbled, "Sakura thinks she's so great because she has four parents. That's three more parents than anybody needs."

Naruto had a point. Even relying on one parent seemed pretty bizarre after age eight or so. Sakura should be independent by now, not picking up more family members.

Sakura ruffled Akihito's hair. "So you have to listen to your mom, okay? She knows what's best for you."

"But…"

Sakura's smile widened. "She knows what's best for you."

The Cloud kunoichi landed beside Sakura and the boy. "You're seriously trying to convince the kid that he's better off kidnapped?"

Suku jabbed her elbow towards Sakura, who stiffly jumped away. The enormous sword strapped to her back severely limited the kunoichi's mobility.

Sakura slid her hunter-nin mask down. "Hinata, guard Akihito."

The Hyuuga placed herself in front of the child, facial veins bulging as she activated her Byakugan. "O-on it."

The enemy team's sensei, Yugito, strolled into the cave with the two boys flanking her. "When you've gone as far as snatching a child from his bed, you might as well do the job properly."

I fell into a taijutsu stance. "Hypocrites. We all know about your bloodline thievery."

Chigau glowered at me. "That was never official policy."

Kakashi stepped forward. "So, given the opportunity, you _wouldn't _steal a child for their bloodline?"

Yakeru ran a hand through his hair, which left the strands standing straight up. "How good a bloodline are we talking here?"

"No, Yakeru," his sensei said "We are not doing that anymore."

"Really?"—Kakashi's eye curved mischievously—"What if I told you that the Hyuuga heiress was right in front of you?"

Sakura huffed out a few words in between her taijutsu fight with Suku. "Sensei, what are you…?"

"Hinata, take off your sunglasses."

Hinata reluctantly followed orders, although the bulging veins should have already made her bloodline obvious. She fiddled with the glasses' stem as the Cloud team watched her. "Um, hi?"

Yakeru charged towards Hinata and the boy. I skidded in front of them, chasing the shinobi back with a grand fireball. He swung his leg around, and I jumped over it. Below me, his foot crackled with blue. He was a lightning wielder, then.

Across the field, a gang of Narutos approached the third enemy genin. Chigau flashed through a few seals, and lightning sparked across his body. The boy grinned, his teeth shining. "Yeah, I don't like taijutsu much. So, how about I stand here, and if you hit me, you die?"

The Naruto who was currently in charge said, "Ha. If it's so bad, why aren't you dead? Huh?"

Chigau held his hand out, twisting it as the lightning chirped. "The shield isn't actually touching my skin. If it was, well…Sssss."

"We'll see about that!" A Naruto charged in. He died, but not until he'd landed a punch in his opponent's gut. And there were a dozen more Narutos rushing in after the first. Chigau, his lightning shield still sparking around him, began to frantically dodge.

I was in a similar situation with my opponent. His taijutsu wasn't particularly amazing, but if one of his hits even came within a centimeter of touching me, I would earn a nasty burn.

Suddenly, an idea struck, and I activated my Sharingan. "Heh. You're not half bad, kid."

Yakeru met my eyes and sneered. "We're the same age, moron."

I watched myself through his vision. I looked really smug.

"Unfortunately for you, my Sharingan allows me to see exactly what move you're going to make"—by following his gaze, I could anticipate his next attack—"before you even start to move."

As she stood watch over the boy, Hinata continued Sakura's efforts to confuse a small child into coming with us willingly. "Parents…parents are flawed. They make mistakes, and sometimes, well, sometimes those mistakes hurt you. You might want to hurt them back because you _know_ when they sleep. You can see through walls. B-but you can't. You can't because you're a good dau…son. Um, do you understand?"

Great. The kid was crying again.

Our senseis stood calmly amid the battle. Yugito occasionally glanced towards her students with a frown or a proud twitch of the lips, but Kakashi never took his eyes off of the other jounin.

Yugito placed a hand on her hip, and its fingernails suddenly grew into foot-long claws. "Do you really want to fight, or should we leave our genin to decide this?"

"Most of mine are chuunin, actually," Kakashi said. "They should be jounin by now, but you know kids these days: Always wanting to take things slow."

Yakeru missed again and again as he swung at me. Another Naruto clone burst through Chigau's defense, then burst apart. Sakura, her sword still slung across her back, set the air trembling as her fist missed Suku's jaw by a hair.

Yugito charged at Kakashi, claws raised.

Sakura and Suku circled each other, their spar momentarily paused. Sakura said, "Isn't this the part where you pull out some amazing lightning jutsu?"

"It would be," Suku agreed, wetting her lips, "but my element's water, and nobody in the village knows a single water jutsu. Figures, right?"

"Yeah, it really d—" Sakura lunged mid-sentence.

Suku cried out as Sakura tackled her to the ground, pushing her hand seal against the girl's chest. The enemy kunoichi wailed, "Oh, no. I'm too injured to fight."

"Dammit, Suku," Yugito panted between attacks. "I told you that if you pulled that stunt again, I'd dock your pay."

The kunoichi somersaulted towards a more defensible corner, not slowed by any injury. "I don't care! I don't do it for the money."

Sakura turned towards me, her cheerful voice muffled by the hunter nin mask. "Need a little help, Sasuke?"

While I really didn't appreciate her taunting me like this, it was a definite improvement on her usual fawning. I nodded coolly, hoping to encourage this behavior without rekindling her crush on me.

Sakura rushed forward, pulling her sword from its sheath. Before she reached us, however, Suku darted past and snatched the blade from her hands. Sakura said, "Hey!"

"Playing dead is boring," the girl grinned. "Let me do the stabbing for once."

Sakura raced after her, growling, as the Cloud kunoichi hacked at Yakeru.

My opponent spat out, "What the hell, Suku?"

Suku's lips pursed as she eyed her trembling arms. "Wow, this girl's kind of weak. Good thing I don't have to worry about breaking her, huh?"

She lifted her sword high. "But you do. After all, if you fight back, you'll hurt your friend."

Yakeru grabbed the sword, his hands glowing as electricity pulsed through it and into his teammate. "We aren't friends."

The current jumped a foot past the shuddering girl and into the closest body. Through Yakeru's eyes, I watched my body shudder with lightning.

* * *

**Inner Sakura POV**

Inner Sakura kept her breathing slow and steady as she woke, just as the Academy textbook—which Outer had read three times—had told her. The fact that she could control her breaths proved that she wasn't back in Sakura's head yet, and when she silenced her thoughts for a moment, the distant wailing of her host's soul tickled her ears.

She'd been hogtied, but at least they'd been nice enough to put her on a bed. Inner listened for enemies. One paced, thudding across the wooden floors then softening as the sandals reached a rug. A set of fingers tapped against hard fabric. There was breathing, too. Enough for three people? No, four. Maybe…

"Suku," a woman's voice said, "in the future, when you feign unconsciousness, try not to scrunch your nose."

Inner Sakura opened her eyes and smiled. "Sensei!"

The Cloud team's sensei stood over the bed, her claws still extended. Beside Yugito, Yakeru smirked down at her. Inner Sakura tried to sit up, then scowled in that big-mouthed way common among foreigners. "Wait. If I'm with you guys, then why am I tied up?"

"You got mind-controlled," Chigau said.

"So? Cut the rope, dumbass." Inner Sakura hadn't paid that much attention to her opponent prior to possessing her, but she had noticed that the Cloud team had no group cohesion. So she figured that her smartest move was to be really, really mean.

"Not so fast," Yakeru said, laying a hand on her shoulder. "First, you have to tell us the password."

Inner Sakura stared at his smug face for a moment while her mind raced. There was only one response with a decent chance at success. She raised her chin haughtily and said, "We don't have a password, and you are _such_ an asshole."

Chigau laughed from where he slouched against the corner of the bed. "Yeah, that's her, all right."

"Are you guys gonna untie me or what?" she snapped.

As Yakeru fumbled with the knots around her host's wrists, Inner Sakura analyzed the rest of the room. It was large, with a spacious window that would be terrible for defense. She couldn't see any vegetation when she peeked through it, so that put them on at least the second floor. A man, presumably Mr. Iijima, watched the team from a plush chair. Akihito sprawled across the floor, leaning against his father's leg. In the corner, another prisoner kneeled calmly, her wrists and ankles bound.

Inner Sakura said, "What's up with the Hyuuga?"

Chigau rolled his eyes. "Yakeru's a bloodline thief."

"By the time this mission is over, I'm gonna have a Byakugan in one eye and a Sharingan in the other."

"That sounds v-very, um, impressive," Hinata said from her spot on the floor, "but I'm pretty sure it would just make you dizzy, and maybe nauseous."

"I bet she's lying," Inner Sakura said. "If I were her, I'd totally lie."

"Good thinking, Suku," Yakeru said as he grabbed his kunai to hack at the knot. "You get the extra Sharingan. The rest of you can fight over the Byakugan."

Chigau said, "When I'm Raikage, I'm gonna make that shit illegal."

Yakeru finally destroyed Inner Sakura's bonds. He snorted. "If you ever become Raikage, I'm becoming a missing nin."

On the floor, Hinata gasped, and Inner Sakura barely kept from doing the same. No one would ever say that sort of thing in Konoha. If Outer had been there, she would have insisted that the Cloud ninja came from a terrible village that any sane person would want to leave. But Inner Sakura was pretty sure that Cloud wasn't all that much worse than Konoha, they just had fewer informants and paid less attention to petty treason.

Inner Sakura paused for a moment, a small part of her expecting to be shoved into a little box where she couldn't tell lies. But she soon relaxed and grinned. Having her own body was cool.

Deep, deep within her mind, a Cloud kunoichi screamed.


	16. Love Conquers All

**Chapter 15: Love Conquers All**

As I pulled Sakura to her feet, my entire body ached. The lightning attack had left my bones feeling empty and my muscles leaden. One of my fingers would occasionally twitch, responding to a lingering spark. This was only slightly less painful than that time I set myself on fire, but at least then I had the Hyuuga girl's cream to speed up my healing. Which reminded me…

"They took Hinata," I told Sakura.

"And the little kid," Naruto added.

Kakashi said, "It turns out that the Cloud ninja are willing to kidnap a child _and_ are still bloodline thieves. Which can only mean one thing…"

"We're the good guys again!" Naruto shouted.

I'm pretty sure they practiced that while Sakura and I were unconscious. Still, our return to the side of good provided just the morale boost we needed after being beaten up by a smaller and less experienced team.

"It's so quiet," Sakura murmured. The lightning had done her a lot of good. She seemed calm. Eerily calm. I hadn't sensed the slightest trickle of killer intent from her since she'd woken up, and she wasn't exhibiting any of her normal facial twitches.

Night had fallen while we were out of commission. If we waited until morning, they could escape or call for reinforcements. Luckily for us, they were weighed down by an injured teammate, a prisoner, and a young boy.

All we had to worry about were a few twitchy limbs. I walked towards the door, eyes straight ahead. "Let's go."

The client hurried in front of me. "You ninja are _not_ leaving me behind again."

"Ma'am," Sakura said. "This is very dangerous."

Nene's lip trembled, and she sniffed loudly. "I don't care. I will not sit here, waiting and worrying, not for one moment longer."

"We might not have much time," Sakura said. "If we have to wait for your carriage—"

Nene straightened her back, tilted her chin, and said, "Carry me, then."

Naruto ended up with the noblewoman draped across his arms, digging her long fingernails into his jacket. He always gets the worst jobs because we know he'll complain no matter what we tell him to do.

"I just don't understand how we lost," Sakura said. "We had more people, and two of us are chuunin."

I raced beside her. "They caught us by surprise."

Naruto said, "I should've used my explosive tags, but I didn't wanna make the cave collapse. Next time those Cloud ninja make a move towards Sakura or Hinata or anybody, I'm blowing them up no matter where we are."

Nene reached up to slap him across the face. "You will _not_. They're probably in my house. All of my things are in that house…and so is my son!"

Kakashi spoke with detached thoughtfulness, as if pointing out an oddly-shaped cloud. "I've noticed that you always mention your son last, like you forget about him. Have you considered that that's why he hates you?"

"My son is always the first thing on my mind," Nene said, "but _he _is being kept safe by two whole teams of ninja. My mother's antique vase has no one."

We arrived at the Iijima mansion, mingling with the outer wall's shadows. Naruto asked, "So, what's the plan?"

We all turned towards Kakashi, who said, "You know, I hadn't really thought about it."

We then turned towards Sakura, who was busy stroking her forehead and humming to herself.

When they turned to me, I said, "Break through the nearest window, keep extra Narutos in the shadows, and try not to get the client kill…"

I paused, eyes sweeping the lawn in search of strange shadows or a hint of movement. "…Naruto, where is the client?"

* * *

**Inner Sakura POV**

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap, tap, tap. Goro Iijima stood, making his way towards the balcony door. Not wanting to break cover, Inner Sakura said, "Sir, are you sure you want to do that?"

Both of her host's teammates groaned, and even Yugito-sensei silently sighed. The puny Iijima seemed to grow a foot as he turned to her. "Young lady, I am the owner of this household, and I will _not _be ordered about."

"Even if you're going to let in the enemy?" Inner Sakura said.

"Yes"— Goro sighed, deflating to his normal size—"Even if I'm letting in my ex-wife."

Tap.

Goro stormed over to the balcony doors, throwing them open and shouting, "Nene, did you have to tear up all the Parrot's Beaks? Do you know how rare those are?"

"Of course I know," Nene cried. "You used my connections to find them, remember?"

An orange flower smacked him on the forehead. "Will you stop it for one instant?!"

"Just"—she threw another—"fulfilling my _needs._ Men aren't the only ones with those."

"Oh, that isn't even remotely the same—" Goro cut off as Naruto used his shoulder as a handhold. The rest of her Outer's team launched themselves through the balcony doors.

Goro's jaw flapped open as he looked from the room's interior to his ex-wife pouting below. "Ninja! Foreign ninja in my home!"

Nene crossed her arms, still clutching a Parrot's Beak. "You're the one who brought ninja into this. I would have been perfectly happy sticking with mercenaries."

Yugito fell into a defensive stance. "Suku, watch Akihito."

"Ugh, why does it always have to be the kunoichi watching the client? I wanna fight." Inner Sakura charged towards Sasuke.

Chigau grinned widely. "Heh, well, if Suku doesn't want to relax…"

Inner threw a punch that would have cracked Sasuke's arm in half, if it had landed. "Yakeru can do it."

"…or Yakeru can do it, that'd be funnier," Chigau continued, intercepting her Outer as she rushed at the eight-year-old target.

Yakeru said, "I'm the strongest member on this team, why should I have to watch the kid?"

"Just do it, Yakeru," Yugito bit out as Kakashi meandered towards her.

"Think about it this way"—Inner Sakura smirked—"Nobody else is gonna guard your little kidnapping victim, so you have to do it."

Yakeru stomped in front of Hinata and Akihito. "Fine. But you better get those Sharingans for me, Suku."

She dodged Sasuke's attack. "Working on it."

When the time was right, Inner Sakura would blow her cover, steal the kid, and fight by her fellow Leaf nin. While she had the opportunity, though, she was gonna beat up Sasuke.

That jerk had spent years ignoring, insulting, and avoiding her Outer, and the girl was always too busy sighing over him to notice. But Inner Sakura noticed, and she would make sure the bastard paid for every crime with blood and bruises. She pulled Suku's mouth into a feral smile. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to break you."

Sasuke stared at her with his usual, bored expression. "We only met six hours ago, when I was pretending to be a flower salesman, so I'm gonna guess slightly less than six hours."

Inner Sakura stuffed down the killer intent thrumming through her chakra pathways and said, "Yeah, that's about right."

Then, she rushed forward and made Suku's barely-developed muscles _work._

* * *

The Cloud kunoichi had completely changed her taijutsu style between fights. Her earlier movement had been acrobatic and bouncing. This new one was more reminiscent of the Konoha Academy's standard style, albeit clumsy and with slightly more focus on offense.

It isn't too odd for a taijutsu master to know a second or even third style, but she was only a genin. Besides, most ninja would switch techniques mid-battle, throwing the opponent off at a crucial moment.

As Suku leapt over my sweeping kick, lunging for my face, I theorized.

Could she have learned Sakura's taijutsu style after such a short fight? In Konoha, taijutsu prodigies were easily identified by their ridiculous jumpsuits, but here they wore no such uniform.

Yugito was throwing explosive mice at Kakashi, while a masked Sakura had recently proven that Chigau's lightning defense did nothing against man-sized swords. The Naruto hoard had split into two groups, with one half charging Yakeru and the other half circling Nene and Goro. The pair had not stopped arguing at any point during the battle, stopping to breathe only when the other was yelling.

"You impregnated my favorite maid," Nene said.

Goro threw his hands in the air. "We hadn't shared a bed in six months. What did you expect me to do?"

"Rut around in someone who I wouldn't have to see every day."

"You could have fired her."

"She was twenty and unmarried and my stupid husband got her pregnant. Do you think I'm some sort of monster?"

He glanced down at the flowers coating the balcony beneath him. "Well, I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind."

Throughout that entire conversation, they had yet to look at either the ninja flying through their parlor or the child hiding behind a bound Hinata Hyuuga.

"Shh, it's alright. Nobody will hurt you. I mean, well, n-n-nobody gets paid if you get hurt, so I don't think they will." Hinata reached out to pat the boy's hand, but she couldn't quite reach it. She tried to tug at the ropes around her, and her fingertips glowed slightly.

I turned my attention back to my fight as the arc of Suku's punch adjusted to my dodge, hitting just barely. My first thought, after a moment of utter blankness, was that she'd just broken my nose with a glancing blow. My second thought informed me that a new punch was only an inch from breaking the rest of my face.

It was at that moment that a delicate vase smashed into the side of Suku's head, sending her stumbling. As Nene wailed, I followed the blue strings wrapped around the vase's shards to its source: Hinata Hyuuga, still tied up but looking much more cheerful about it.

Kakashi slammed Yugito against a wall, holding a kunai to her throat. "Well, it looks like we've about finished this battle. Any interest in surrendering?"

Yugito said, "I've rigged this whole place to explode."

Everyone in the room paused in their battles to stare at her. A Naruto said, "So you're the one who did that."

Kakashi inched the kunai away from her throat. Yugito continued, "You're all going to leave. Now. If you don't, I'll start setting them off one by…"

"Don't you dare!" Nene and Goro shouted at once.

They stared at each other for a moment, then Goro said, "This is my very expensive house here, with all my very expensive things in it—"

"Also our son," Nene said.

"Also our son," he agreed. "If you set off one single bomb, I will be meeting personally with the Raikage to complain."

Nene grabbed his arm, tilting her chin imperiously. "And I'll be right behind him."

"Thank you, dear," Goro said, patting the hand on his arm.

"Any time, darling."

The battle resumed shortly afterwards, when a bloodied Suku swept my legs out from under me, and a Naruto clone released Hinata. As we fought and grabbed the target and fought some more, the Iijima couple whispered among themselves.

"Enough!" Goro shouted.

Nene said, "We've talked it out, and we've decided we can work this out without hiring any more trained killers."

Goro added, "We are no longer in need of your services."

"Ah," Kakashi said, spinning his kunai around his finger. "I see how it is. Only the team that lives gets paid."

I formed my first hand seal, Suku cracked her knuckles, Yakeru recharged his fists, Sakura heaved her sword upward, and the client's ex-husband raised his hands in the air. "No, no, no, no. Nobody needs to fight, everybody gets paid. Just please leave."

I think we were all a little disappointed by that. At least, my team seemed disappointed. Chigau had some pretty deep cuts, Yakeru's knuckles were badly bruised, and Suku seemed to have pushed past the point of muscle exhaustion through sheer force of will. Yugito, meanwhile, had been deflated since the clients had shouted her down, despite Kakashi's assurances that, at some time or another, all good senseis had tried to kill their genin, client, and everyone else in sight.

"So that's it," Sakura said. "We just go home?"

Chigau relaxed as she sheathed her sword, releasing his nerves with a breathy chuckle. "Seems kind of anti-climactic, really."

Suku rubbed the back of her head. "Uh, this is kinda embarrassing. But I'm a spy."

"Right, sure you are," Yakeru said.

"Dammit, Suku"—Yugito rubbed her forehead—"If you want to retire from being a ninja, we have programs for that."

Suku said, "No, seriously. I was possessed, and I never stopped being possessed."

"She's telling the truth," Sakura said.

The Cloud kunoichi walked closer, held out her hands, and crumpled. Suku then glared at her teammates as she dragged herself to her feet. "You idiots!"

"I know you're a Yamanaka now," I said to Sakura, "but how exactly have you been walking around without a soul?"

Kakashi hummed. "My father used to say that all women do that."

Sakura released a puff of killer intent and beamed. "Actually, I have two souls because my hair's pink."

There wasn't much left to do then but leave, so we strolled toward the balcony, stopping when Akihito grabbed Hinata's sleeve. "Take me with you!"

Hinata said, "I-it's a very long journey. Maybe you should ask the Cloud ninja?"

"I already did. They didn't want me because I don't have a bloodline."

Kakashi leaned forward to peer at the boy. "Are you sure you don't have a bloodline?"

"Sometimes you don't find out until you're older," Sakura said. "So you have to keep an eye out for little things. Like maybe your eyes don't match or your forehead is freakishly large."

Akihito flattened his ears self-consciously. "Uh, no, I don't think I have anything like that."

Kakashi reached down to pat his head. "In that case, your parents love you. You should stay with them."

His eyes darted towards Nene and Goro, who were sobbing in each other's arms. "But they're crazy."

Sakura laughed. "If you want to avoid crazy people, then you definitely shouldn't be a ninja."


	17. Jinchuriki!

**Warning: This chapter contains **_**Hidan**_**. If you are sensitive to blood sacrifice, scythes used for non-farming purposes, foul language, proselytizing, or other possible triggers related to **_**Hidan**_**, please skip the section beginning with "The village stank with blood" and move directly to Chapter 18.**

* * *

**Chapter 16: Jinchuriki?!**

Shizune had been waiting for us when we reached the base of the Hokage Tower. She let out a small sigh as we came into view, then squared her shoulders to give a confident, professional appearance. "The Hokage wants to see you all immediately."

"Is everything alright?" Sakura asked.

On our walk through the village, we had all sensed the tension. Civilians scurried down the streets, and merchants refused to step out from behind their stalls. The military police may have died years ago, but now Hyuuga ninja lingered in the shadows with the same watchful expressions.

We'd all kept our weapons in reach, and Hinata had set her puppet jerkily dancing at the end of her chakra strings.

"The Hyuuga are threatening to secede again," Shizune said as we hurried up the staircase.

Hinata ducked her head, hiding her face against the puppet's black hair "I'm sorry."

This happened every few years. The Hyuuga had never really integrated into the village system and resented the outside influence that it brought into their compound. The clan would calm down in a few days, and we'd all have a good laugh about it. Except the Hyuuga, of course. They never laughed.

This sort of treason just happened, a lot like demon attacks. It's nobody's fault.

I said, "Hinata, stop apologizing. It isn't your fault this time."

"That's not entirely true." Shizune opened the door to the Hokage's office.

The Hokage glanced away from the paperwork on his desk. "Ah, Team Seven. And Hinata, as well. Your father will be glad to see you with both your eyes attached."

Hinata's eyes widened. "Wh-what?"

"Due to your trip to Cloud, which has a certain reputation for bloodline thievery, under the leadership of Kakashi Hatake, who has a certain reputation of his own, the Hyuuga have been understandably concerned."

"Didn't you tell your dad you were leaving, Hinata?" Naruto asked.

"S-sort of? We don't talk," Hinata mumbled.

"Ideally, Kurenai would have informed Hiashi that Kakashi would be taking over as Hinata's sensei," the Third said. "Unfortunately, she was unable to do so because she also did not know."

I turned towards Kakashi with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you had an agreement?"

Kakashi's eye smiled. "It was more of an unspoken understanding."

"There have been some accusations that I am trying to assassinate the Hyuuga heiress"—the Hokage chuckled—"but with her safe return, they should stop their talk of treason."

An Anbu wearing an owl mask appeared. "Sir, the Hyuuga wanted me to give this message to you, which doesn't mean I am associated with their treasonous cause, merely that I was the first to—"

The Third Hokage took the letter. "I've never doubted your loyalty, Owl. Return to your watch."

"It's my job," Owl said softly, "but I would do it even if it wasn't."

The Anbu's shunshin covered the sound of the Third opening the letter. "The Hyuuga would like us to know that they are not angry; they are merely disappointed because they know we can do better. They know this because they have been watching us."

From his paperwork-piled desk, Tobirama snorted. "Like that's new."

"Sorry." Hinata had resumed her jittering finger movements. The puppet thrashed in front of her.

"No apologies necessary. Your family is quite anxious to check you over for amputations and needle pricks, and I'm sure you're just as anxious to show them your new talent"—the Hokage gestured towards the chakra strings dangling from Hinata fingertips—"I would officially dismiss you from Team Seven, but you were never officially a member in the first place."

"Yes, Hokage-sama." Hinata bowed and scurried from the room.

The Hokage turned to the rest of us. "Team Seven, I have a mission for you."

Naruto groaned. "Wha? But we just got back from a mission."

"Ah, but time is of the essence. A girl has gone missing, Naruto. A girl who is…like you." The Hokage gazed at Naruto's obnoxious, orange jacket.

I waited for Naruto to shout out his usual demands to know just what the Hokage meant, but he just nodded.

I suppressed my treasonous curiosity, shifting to safer topics. "Is she a noble?"

The Hokage glanced down at a scroll laid out on his desk. "Not at all. Her name is Fuu, and she is a Waterfall ninja."

Sakura said, "Hokage-sama, why didn't the Waterfall Village send their own ninja after her?"

The Hokage said, "The Waterfall Village is small. They lack the power to fight a rogue jinchuriki."

We all paused for a moment, since this was clearly Naruto's cue. He missed it. Idiot.

I fulfilled his usual duties. "What is a jinchuriki?"

"Heh, heh, heh, heh." The First Hokage's laughter grew so loud that the civilians on the street below had begun peering up at the tower's windows. After a couple of minutes, he returned to his paperwork, still chuckling.

The Hokage cleared his throat. "Right. A jinchuriki is a human with a demon sealed inside their body, who serves as its living prison."

Sakura shuddered. "That sounds horrible."

"Actually, it's great. They get to tap into the demon's chakra, turning themselves into deadly half-beasts that can destroy armies with a sweep of their tail." The Hokage swept his paperwork off the desk with a sweep of his arm.

"That's an interesting gimmick," Kakashi said.

The owl Anbu appeared to restack the paperwork, which seemed to have doubled in size during its time on the floor.

"The village can use that power to supplement their ranks. For instance, one jinchuriki turned Sand from a pathetic village full of weaklings into a village full of weaklings and one jinchuriki"—the Hokage's eyes curved into an amused crescent—"Of course, Konoha has no need for such things. Why, Naruto killed the Sand jinchuriki in a simple spar, and he was only a genin at the time."

"Believe it," Naruto agreed.

"Besides, a rebellious jinchuriki is a dangerous thing. Waterfall was a far greater village before their last one rampaged."

The First Hokage laughed again, short and harsh.

I was glad that Konoha didn't have a jinchuriki. They sounded unsafe.

Sakura's facial twitches were slightly more exaggerated than usual. "So we're supposed to capture this jinchuriki?"

The Hokage said, "Yes. In fact, you're an ideal jinchuriki capture squad."

He gestured at each of us. "Sasuke, your Sharingan can confuse and manipulate even a loose demon. Sakura, your Yamanaka training allows you to quietly capture an enemy without accidentally releasing the demon inside. Naruto, you have absolutely no talents or abilities that are related—"

Naruto yelled, "Hey, what about—"

"Absolutely none," the Hokage cheerfully continued. "But I'm sure Kakashi will find some use for you."

Kakashi leaned casually against the Second Hokage's desk, thoughtfully stroking his mask. "I've been training them to be an assassination squad this whole time."

"That's fine. There's a lot of overlap."

* * *

"It's been nineteen hours since Fuu was last seen," Shibuki, the young village leader of Waterfall explained.

It wasn't particularly odd for a chuunin to be in charge of a hidden village. The new Kazekage was a chuunin and the Third Hokage had only been a genin when he was elected. Yet Shibuki lacked not only an official rank, but the confidence of a man who can murder everyone in the room. He hunched his shoulders slightly when speaking to our team, and I think he was still embarrassed that he had been hiding from a pigeon when we first arrived.

Naruto gaped. "Eh? How do you know she's missing if it hasn't even been a day?"

Shibuki rubbed the back of his head. "We keep a pretty close eye on Fuu. When Kegon and Yoro didn't bring her in for her evening check-in, we thought maybe she was playing hide and seek again and had delayed them. But when they still weren't there after two hours…"

"Are Kegon and Yoro Fuu's teammates?" Sakura asked.

Shibuki laughed nervously, smoothing back his long hair. "Not exactly."

A mid-twenties jounin, with a katana slung across his back and eyes like ice, shunshined beside Shibuki.

Shibuki greeted him. "Kawaguchi."

Kawaguchi said, "T&I has finished autopsying the demon's guards, sir. I'm certain girl has at least one accomplice."

Shibuki winced. "Are you sure?"

"Yoro was electrocuted, burned, and ultimately drowned. Kegon was tortured for some time, partially skinned, his stomach cut open, and his organs spread out in a circle around him"—Kawaguchi snorted—"Fuu isn't that subtle."

Sakura's killer intent drew all of our attention as she said, "She might have been kidnapped. Is there any sign of a struggle?"

"Oh, no, she wouldn't have struggled," Shibuki said. "Fuu is…"

The other Waterfall ninja interjected, "Fuu would follow a Shinigami into the underworld if he asked nicely."

The Waterfall Village was in poorer condition than even my family's old district. It seemed as if they still hadn't recovered from the wartime bombings. Half-demolished buildings sat ignored beside busy marketplaces. The people held their shoulders in a perpetual hunch, their heads curving lower at the sound of Naruto's laughter.

We approached a circular wall in the center of the village, fifty meters tall and hewn of rock. Past explosions had taken bites out of the edges, and black scorch marks patterned its stones.

"Is this where you guys test your bombs?" Naruto asked.

"No, we're not allowed to do that anymore," Kawaguchi said. "This is where we keep Fuu."

In the center of the wall sat a tiny hut.

A large rune had been drawn just a few paces from the hut's door. Within the bloody circle, footprints had been gouged into the earth, as if someone had stood there for hours. One chalked outline placed a corpse in front of the circle. The other lay within the open doorway. We stepped over it as we walked inside.

Kakashi summoned Pakkun and a silent hound. Pakkun barked at his larger companion, then turned to translate. "Alright, all we need is a good whiff of something full of her scent. A stuffed animal, maybe."

"Fuu doesn't have one of those," Shibuki said.

"Bedding's just as good."

"Well…" Shibuki glanced towards the hard cot, which was devoid of blankets. The only thing for the girl to wrap herself in was…

"Why are there chains on the bed?" Naruto asked.

"Fuu is"—Shibuki rubbed the back of his head—"a spirited girl."

"Set the whole damned village on fire last time she went _sleepwalking_." Kawaguchi sneered the last word, clearly not believing the explanation.

I could understand his frustration. After all, there was a sizable group of Konoha ninja who insisted that Itachi had murdered my clan during a sleepwalking session because no one in their right mind would willingly leave Konoha. Their argument had merit, but their insistence that Itachi was still sleeping today irritated me.

Pakkun huffed through his nose. "Does she wear clothes?"

* * *

Fuu and her kidnappers had not darted away through the trees. They had not trudged through any of the country's abundant waterfalls and rivers to destroy their scent. Instead, Pakkun led us down the main road out of town. They had apparently walked.

The nin dogs' noses were proven right with each body we passed. Some were cut open, others electrocuted. A disturbing number, however, had been burned to death—Fuu's specialty.

As we raced down the path that our targets had walked a day before, I contemplated the Hokage's assertion that Fuu was _like_ Naruto.

Both shinobi were distance fighters who preferred fiery, environment-engulfing attacks, but I didn't think the Hokage was referring to that. Whatever the similarity was, it was bigger, something…innate.

The slender nin-dog paused at a fork in the road, turning back to his pug companion with a series of staccato barks. Pakkun said, "The path splits here, looks like the bloody one went into town."

"Was this recent, Pakkun?" Sakura asked.

The dog shook his head. "At least four hours old."

"The ninja's probably left town and rejoined the group, by now," I said.

"There might be clues, though," Sakura said. "Maybe one of them is injured and they had to buy medical supplies. Or maybe they mentioned their destination to one of the townsfolk."

I said, "At least we can get a description."

"Let's go!" Naruto shouted, charging into town. It occurred to me that he was now my superior officer and would one day lead us all to our deaths. Of course, Naruto himself would only be a clone, so he would be fine.

Kakashi watched the dust cloud Naruto kicked up as he ran. "I guess I'll keep following the trail. You guys can catch up later."

We nodded, following the idiot into danger.

* * *

The village stank of blood. Sakura and Naruto gagged. He covered his nose with a sleeve, and she slammed her mask down. I knew from experience that it would be better to take small, shallow breaths until I'd adjusted to the stench.

In the first house, we found a young woman collapsed in front of the same circular rune from Fuu's hut. The woman's blouse and chest had been torn open by a large blade. Her organs had been spilt, her heart pierced, and her eyes gouged out.

"It was a suicide," I said.

Naruto's face reddened. "Whaddaya mean 'it was a suicide'?"

I gestured towards the body, turning her hand over so that her unblemished palms were brightened by the sunset.

"The angle of the wounds don't make sense if someone was rushing at her. There are no defensive wounds on her hands, and she was standing straight throughout the attack, not cowering or running away"—I gestured towards the organs sloughing out of her abdomen—"She didn't even try to hold her stomach in."

"But that doesn't make sense," Sakura said, lifting up her mask to peer closer. "No one would try to kill themselves so horrifically. Unless…"

"Huh? Unless what, Sakura?" Naruto asked.

Sakura's eyes sparkled. "Unless the ninja used mind control or some kind of body-controlling technique."

"Maybe," I said. "Or maybe the opponent was so terrifying that a messy, panicked suicide seemed like the better option."

Naruto snorted. "Nobody's that scary, Sasuke."

I closed the corpses' ruined eyes, the lids deflated on her pale face. "It's a pretty normal response to too much killer intent. I've seen it before."

Itachi's genjutsu of my family's murder had started off traditionally enough—drownings, beheadings, strangulation. On day two, he had started to throw in deaths like the one this Waterfall civilian had suffered.

On day three, he got creative.

I shivered as we moved on to the next house. More suicides. This time, it was a middle-aged couple.

The next house was unique. Though it reeked of blood and the circular symbols dotted the floor, sobbing drifted out of the kicked-down door. An elderly man held his grey-haired wife, his arms trembling against her as we approached.

"Knock, knock," Naruto sing-songed as he barged in.

The man's watery eyes turned to us. "Please, take everything; just don't hurt us."

"We aren't here to steal, sir." Sakura said, daring us to prove her wrong with a glare.

The wife moaned softly. "Oh, no. Not again."

"The dog is dead, and we don't have any children," the man said.

"Um"—Sakura glanced at me and Naruto in confusion—"That's fine. We just wanted to ask you about the ninja who came through here a few hours ago."

"A ninja did come," the old man said slowly. "But he only left half an hour ago."

We shared a startled look. Sakura winced. "S-sir, can you please tell us more about this man?"

"He stinks of death, but he will never die. He is blessed," the woman said, shakily pulling away from her husband. Her eyes were shadowed, but she forced a wide smile. "We have been blessed, too."

Her husband pulled a knife from atop his kitchen counter, shambling towards his small yard.

"If you excuse me, I need to go sacrifice a chicken to my new god"—the old man shuddered—"Jashin."

"Who's Jashin?" Naruto said as we glanced over the corpses of the neighboring house.

I gave the body a casual nudge, then followed my teammates to the next massacre. "Who knows? Civilian religions are weird. They have a lot of gods. Every time something goes wrong, they pick a new one."

Leaf shinobi, of course, only have one god—the God of Shinobi, who could bring us to great power or to nothingness with a single signature.

Through the open window of a small house, a man's voice said, "That is one shitty-ass circle."

"We're sorry, Mr. Ninja, sir," a child replied.

"Sorry," another said.

"That's fine. You've just gotta practice until it's less shitty. That's a life lesson for you cute little fuckers."

Two children painted lopsided circles on the floorboards of their home. They periodically dipped their brushes in the cracked-open head of the dead woman crumpled beside them. The smaller child, only three or four, held the dead woman's hand while painting.

Looming over the children like Iruka-sensei back in the Academy, a ninja surveyed their work. He was in his late teens, with silver hair and a slashed forehead protector wrapped around his throat. He held a tall, double-pointed scythe.

I shivered when I recognized the black and red cloak loosely draped over his bare chest. _Itachi._

"Took you long enough," the ninja remarked, glancing at us through the window.

The missing nin looked down at the children, nodded approvingly at their smoother drawings, and leapt through the window at us. He swung the scythe at Naruto.

Naruto ducked. His dodging was really improving lately.

Unfortunately, I was expecting his clone's death to destroy the scythe's momentum, and I nearly lost a foot as I stumbled out of the way. Sakura didn't dodge at all. She met it with her ridiculously oversized blade.

Hidan's lips quirked upwards into a smirk. "Heh. This might actually be decent fight."

Sakura pulled down her mask and said, "We're experienced ninja of the Leaf, not just a bunch of snot-nosed genin."

"Yeah! The only snot-nosed genin around here is Sasuke." Naruto helpfully pointed at me so that our opponent wouldn't be confused.

I glared at him. "Hn."

"Screw you, too, Sasuke."

"Wait"—the silver-haired ninja jerked his head towards Sakura—"If you're Leaf ninja, why the fuck are you wearing a Mist hunter-nin mask?"

Sakura straightened. "It's a kill trophy from when I assassinated Zabuza and his apprentice. I'm Sakura Yamanaka, the Demon of the Mist."

The Naruto clone grabbed a kunai with an explosive tag and casually tossed it in the air. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, the next Hokage of Konoha. Believe it."

The missing nin's eyes narrowed at Naruto, presumably from disbelief.

Well, as long as we were doing this…

"Sharingan Sasuke," I said, activating my Sharingan while maintaining eye contact.

Our opponent laughed, yanking his scythe back into his hand. "Always so damned cozy with you Leaf assholes. Call me Hidan. I'm your executioner."


	18. Jashin's Mercy

**Chapter 17: Jashin's Mercy**

Hidan raced towards Sakura with his scythe swinging. She froze, typical among young ninja when faced with a sudden, stifling blanket of killer intent. He tore open her throat, then turned to his next target: Me.

I blew some fire at him, then promptly died. That kind of pissed me off. I was planning to put up a much more impressive fight, but the missing nin had moved so quickly that my illusory self couldn't have believably dodged.

In reality, I stood on a rooftop three houses away while Hidan attacked a tree.

Sakura, meanwhile, had experience dealing with much stronger opponents, and her constant, silent murderousness had desensitized her to even crippling levels of killer intent. She had easily avoided his earlier attack.

When Hidan turned his attention towards our last member, Naruto was effortlessly captured. Of course, he had already cloned himself twenty times by then, so that wasn't particularly concerning.

Sakura looked towards Hidan, her face hidden beneath her mask. "You're using your Sharingan on him right now, right?"

"Hn."

Under her breath, Sakura started muttering about hunting. A few feet away, Hidan had wrapped Naruto up in the long chain connected to his scythe, the red points only a hair's breadth from the blond's chin and eye. Hidan stalked towards him. Sakura followed.

Hidan said, "Seriously, what are the fucking chances—"

Sakura raised her sword and bashed in his skull.

I leapt off the roof, dropping the genjutsu. Hidan wasn't dead yet, but he would be in a few seconds. We began untying Naruto.

"This reminds me of the bell test," I said.

Naruto narrowed his eyes at me. "You left me tied to that post for two days."

"You couldn't escape on your own?" I said. "It's a good thing I gave you my lunch, or you probably would have starved to death."

Naruto shook off the last of the chains while he moped. Suddenly, the chain I was still holding yanked back, slamming me against the ground.

Hidan stood behind us, with his crumpled face slowly stretching back into its normal shape. "You motherfuckers tricked me!"

It occurred to me that this guy was probably going to kill all of us.

Hidan confirmed my suspicions. "I'm gonna kill all you shits for that."

Right. I'd just destroyed my Sharingan's connection until Hidan made eye contact again, which didn't seem particularly likely until his eyes lost that wild, glazed look. Kakashi was miles away. Sakura's muscles were beginning to remember how unreasonably heavy her weapon of choice was. The latest Naruto clone had just been stabbed in the eye.

"I'm going to carve you to pieces until you've shed so much blood that even Jashin will ask me to chill the fuck out for a minute."

The latest Naruto walked out of the home where the two children still diligently practiced their blood runes. "Seriously, who is this Jashin guy?"

Hidan raked a hand through his hair. "You kids haven't heard of Jashin?"

We all looked at each other, and Sakura said, "He's a god of death, right?"

Hidan smacked the butt of his scythe against the ground. "Hell no that isn't right_._ Jashin is a god of _life_."

Sakura's hair was beginning to frizz from the intensity of her killer intent. "All the blood sacrifices—"

Hidan said, "Those sacrifices are for a higher fuckin' purpose. It's like when farmers set a field on fire so new plants can grow on top. You kill the whole village, then new people build on top of it."

I snorted. "Or they call it cursed and leave it to rot."

"Then it's more land for the animals," Hidan snapped. "The point is that it's the circle of life, and Jashinists are the ones who make it spin."

The second that Hidan stopped talking, it would occur to him that we were enemies and that he should be attacking us. We would not survive, dooming the mission and shaming all of our ancestors. There was only one honorable course of action.

I cleared my throat. "I would like to know more about your god."

A smile spread across Hidan's face, and he began rifling through his cloak's pockets. "I've got a pamphlet in here somewhere."

The pamphlet's shiny paper was sky blue with gold trim. There were also red dots along the top left corner, but that was probably blood spatter and not an intentional design choice.

"Hey, you,"—Hidan nodded towards Sakura—"Can you read?"

My teammate nodded and caught the pamphlet when he tossed it to her. "Er, let's see…Are you lonely? Confused? Looking for answers? Look no further, for you have found home. Jashin loves you. Jashin accepts your differences. Jashin thirsts for blood. Give yourself to Jashin, or his followers will give you to him. Die. Die. Die. Die…"

Sakura trailed off, looking to Hidan with a nervous edge to her smile. "Um, it just goes on like that for the next few pages. Should I keep reading?"

"Nah, it kinda loses the impact when you say it out loud," Hidan said. "Now, just one question before we waste my time. You worship any other gods? 'Cause Jashin doesn't share."

"No, no, o-of course not," Sakura said.

"Hn," I said, lying through my teeth.

"Does the Third Hokage count?" Naruto asked. I wanted to kill him, but I was pretty sure Hidan would get there first.

Hidan paused with his scythe in the air. Finally, he said, "Nah, your creepy little cult doesn't count."

* * *

Hidan spent the next fifteen minutes explaining the good news of Jashin's forgiveness with bloodthirsty enthusiasm. There were a lot of intricacies to Jashinism, far more than a casual observer would guess.

It occurred to me that Hidan was probably an extremist, and there were plenty of Jashinists who just wanted to live ordinary lives, like that elderly couple or those two children.

Distant birdsong brightened the miserable village as Hidan said, "Now I'm gonna show you how to make a proper sacrifice. Get out your kunai 'cause we're gonna need to grab at least five people for you and the kids in there."

At that moment, Kakashi came racing into view with a green-haired girl tucked underneath his arm. The girl shouted, "Yahoo!"

Hidan turned around to gape at them. "What the f—"

Kakashi used his other arm, which was glowing with electricity, to rip out his heart. "Heart-Stopper Kakashi did it again."

Hidan glared at Kakashi.

Our sensei's small strip of visible face turned red. "I swear this never happens to me."

Hidan grabbed his heart and shoved it back into his chest. "Fuu, why the fuck did you leave Kakuzu?"

"We're playing capture the flag"—Fuu leapt out of Kakashi's arms and twirled before landing on a rooftop—"and I'm the flag!"

"That sounds like fun," Naruto said.

A distant cloud of dust flew up in the distance as Hidan's partner raced after Kakashi. Hidan smirked. "Alright. New game."

"Ooh, ooh, is it tag?" Fuu cried.

"It better not be shogi. That game's booooring," Naruto said.

Fuu clapped her hands together. "Ooh. What about—"

Hidan growled, tossing his scythe at her. She ducked, then squealed in excitement as it circled back over her head and into Hidan's hand. I wasn't sure how that was physically possible, but a quick kai didn't reveal any genjutsu behind it.

The Jashinist said, "We're playing ninja. Got that? Me, you, and Kakuzu against the Leaf bastards."

As we dodged Hidan's scythe and Fuu's fireballs, I studied the jinchuriiki whom we had been ordered to capture. Fuu was about our age, with the speed and strength expected of a genin. Her village headband was tied around her arm.

Fuu jumped onto Naruto's shoulders mid-battle, dispelling him. "This is so much fun!"

In that moment, I understood what the Third Hokage meant when he had said that Fuu was "like" Naruto.

In retrospect, it was incredibly obvious.

Fuu, like Naruto, was obnoxious.

"We're all going to be best friends." Fuu threw a giant fireball at Sakura.

Sakura huddled against the side of a building and called back, "Sure, but we'll never be friends if you accidentally kill us. Friends don't usually kill friends."

"That's not what Yoro-kun said," Fuu sing-songed.

Sakura's smile twitched, as she desperately tried to hold in her killer intent. "You're not trying to be friends with Yoro, though. Right, Fuu?"

Fuu tapped a finger against her chin. "Hmmm."

A pack of Narutos circled around, trying to get behind Fuu for a sneak attack, and Hidan yelled, "Hey, enough talking!"

"He's right!" Sakura said. "We should be…hugging."

Sakura held out her arms, her fingers splayed and an obviously fake smile on her face. Fuu squealed and raced forward, and Sakura snapped her hands together to form a seal.

Unfortunately, Hidan wrapped Fuu in his scythe's chain and dragged her away. "And no fucking hugging!"

Suddenly, one of the Naruto clones stood very still. His hand curled into a fist. "Well, that's different."

The clone raced over to Sakura, hopped onto her shoulders, and grabbed her sword.

Sakura shouted, "Naruto, you idiot, what are you doing?"

"I'm not Naruto, moron."

"Wait a…"—Sakura reached up to smack the clone's leg—"Inner, what are you doing in there?"

"You're the one who missed! Works for me, though. I've been wanting to knock that creepy cultist on his ass for the past hour." The clone who was possessed by Sakura's split personality charged at Hidan, only to be swallowed by a sudden storm of dirt.

Sakura grabbed my arm, and we ducked into the home where the two young Jashinists were hiding behind their dead mother. When the storm calmed a few minutes later, we peered outside.

A new missing nin stood atop the freshly-fallen earth, four feet above the original road. A slashed forehead protector identified him as a former Waterfall ninja. His eyes were bright green and without pupils. His hair was covered by a grey cloth; a darker cloth hid his mouth and nose. He wore the same cloak as Hidan.

Fuu's head popped out of the dirt. "Hey, no fair, Kakuzu-sempai. We're supposed to be on the same team."

Kakuzu's face held no expression. "Sorry."

"Asshole," Hidan grumbled as he dug himself out. "I'm gonna kill you for that."

Kakuzu raised his hand in a seal. "Should I tear off your head again?"

Kakashi, buried up to his neck in the earth, interrupted. "This reminds me of a jutsu I saw many years ago. That was the day I lost my eye."

Kakuzu began to approach him.

"I like to think we're all better prepared now," Kakashi's voice came in duplicate as his head crumbled into dust and a second Kakashi slammed his electrified fist into Kakuzu's stomach. He pulled out a heart.

Kakashi's brow furrowed. "Huh. Somehow, Heart-Stopper Kaka…"

He then made eye contact with a very pissed-off, undoubtedly alive Kakuzu.

"Again?!"

The heart shot out tentacles and latched onto Kakashi's arms. He wheeled back as electricity shot up the tendrils. Then, our team leader collapsed.

"We won!" Fuu cried.

Kakuzu stared at Kakashi, a frown half-visible beneath his mask. "This one looks familiar. I think there may be a bounty on him."

Hidan laughed. "Trust me. Nobody with the nickname _Heart-Stopper_ is in the bingo book."

Kakuzu watched Kakashi for another moment, then slowly turned his attention towards the doorway where Sakura and I were still taking cover. "Aren't you going to kill them?"

For the second time today, we were spared by Jashin's mercy. Hidan said, "I just spent thirty minutes telling them about the one true god."

"Praise Jashin!" Fuu said.

"Praise Jashin," Sakura and I echoed.

Kakuzu turned toward the road out of town. "Fine. Let's go. Wasted time is wasted money."

"They haven't even had their first sacrifice yet," Hidan yelled at him.

Kakuzu didn't even turn around to look at him. "We're behind schedule."

Hidan growled, charging after his partner with his scythe swinging. Fuu followed with a "Woohoo!"

I moved to check Kakashi's pulse while Sakura sprinted towards the location where Naruto's possessed clone had dispelled. She grabbed her sword and trailed it in the dirt as she paced up and down.

The two huddled children transformed into a pair of Narutos, who said, "So, should we go sacrifice somebody now or…"

"Sounds good to me," Sakura said with a wolfish grin. The grin quickly transformed into a joyful one as Sakura fiercely hugged herself. "Inner, you're back!"


	19. Presents!

**Ch. 18: Presents**

"…We went back to Waterfall for reinforcements, but nobody wanted to come. By the time we had rallied a small force, Fuu was out of the country," Sakura concluded.

The Hokage stroked his beard, gazing into the crystal ball on his desk. "I think this has gone on long enough."

"Sir?" she said.

The Hokage's eyes were cold as they fixed upon our sensei. "The rank of S was only invented ten years ago, in order to describe _me_. Would you like to explain how, during a simple kidnapping mission, your team ended up in combat with two S-ranked ninja?"

Kakashi said, "Huh. That's a good question."

The Hokage's eyes swept over us, and he said, "The three of you are dismissed."

* * *

We waited for Kakashi outside of the Hokage Tower. It was still morning, when the rush to get good missions was at its thickest, and Naruto was waving to everyone who passed.

"How do you know all these people?" I said.

Naruto's forehead wrinkled. "They're from all over the place. That guy guards the gate. Konohamaru—Hey Konohomaru!—is the Hokage's grandson. That girl was in our class at the Academy."

The young medic nin with her hair in a pineapple ignored Naruto's wave, but waved energetically at me. I kept my face completely blank, as if I was looking at something behind her and hadn't noticed the wave. "I don't remember her."

"She was in your fan club," Naruto said.

"Really?" Honestly, she doesn't even look familiar.

Naruto growled. "She used to give you a homemade bento every Friday."

I was having some trouble tuning out Sakura's furious, whispered conversation with herself. I edged away from her. "Did I eat them?"

"No," Naruto said, "you set them on fire."

I nodded. "That sounds kind of familiar."

"You're such a jerk, Sasuke."

Kakashi shunshined in front of us. "It turns out that our missions can't be upgraded anymore, so we're only getting paid for a B-rank."

That was odd. Naruto said, "Huh? Why's that, sensei?"

"The Hokage finds it pretty unlikely that we would keep encountering hostile ninja on all of our missions. He thinks that maybe we're asking for it, like we should wear different clothes or stop picking fights with everyone."

Sakura placed her hands on her hips. "We are not—"

Kakashi silenced her with a raised hand. "No, I've thought about it, and I've decided that he's right. Like, on this last mission, we didn't even _try_ diplomacy."

Sakura smiled politely, her body trembling with killer intent.

Kakashi said, "Also, I always pick clients who are just a little bit shifty because I like surprises."

* * *

Several months later, I had come to the conclusion that the Hokage was right.

First, we were ordered to escort a famous actress to snow. It turned out that she was the long lost princess, whom Kakashi had helped escape years earlier, and she wanted to take back the country. I'm not sure why they didn't just pay for a government overthrow in the first place. It would only be a B-rank.

Then, we were hired to protect a prince from the Land of Moon. Of course, three missing nin had been hired on their own B-rank and had taken over the country in his absence. Then we had to steal back the country _and _kill the hired ninja.

We'd also just finished a mission to find a missing pet ferret, where a group of ninja who used chakra-infused stones to cast jutsu had nearly confused Naruto into joining their cult.

Thankfully, we had finally been assigned to a mission that was originally ranked as an A, rather than having the label applied to it later.

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei, you're late!" Sakura and fifteen Narutos shouted.

Kakashi rubbed at his ears with a wince. "Sorry. I tried to take a shortcut through the stadium, but then I felt an impending sense of doom. So I had to go to the temple for a blessing."

Sakura's killing intent flared as she crossed her arms. "That doesn't take three hours, sensei."

"There was a line," Kakashi said.

Kakashi probably wasn't lying. The temples had been swarmed lately. Grey-faced civilians hurried inside to pray, and mothers bought talismans to hang around their children's necks. Swarms of ninja perched on the rooftops, threatening passing birds with kunai.

Killer intent lay thick in the air, like humidity before a storm.

My teammates seemed completely relaxed, however. Sakura's deep-seated rage had long since desensitized her to killing intent, and Naruto was always unobservant. Even Kakashi, despite his excuses, seemed uninterested in the danger that lingered on the breeze.

As the Hokage welcomed us into his office, his smile stretched slightly wider than usual, thin lips tight against white teeth. An Anbu closed the door behind us and darted back to the shadows.

"The one-tailed demon has begun to reform," the Hokage said.

"Wha? It can do that?" Naruto yelled.

I was only an infant when the nine-tailed fox attacked the village, but I grew up on stories of ninjas crushed by a batted paw and dangerous ninjutsu that prompted only a fiery, chakra-infused sneeze. A lash of the fox's tail had destroyed the original Hokage Tower, and today we stood in its facsimile.

I shivered. "How long do we have until the beast is whole again?"

"Three days. Maybe two, depending on the weather," the Hokage said.

Sakura licked her lips nervously. "Th-that doesn't leave much time for an evacuation, sir."

"There's no need for an evacuation," the Hokage said. "When the demon reforms, your team will place it under a genjutsu while Hashirama traps him with the Mokuton. Then, a specialized team will be there to imprison him in a new vessel. They'll be using a modified version of _your _seal, Naruto."

Huh. I didn't know that Naruto had started to create his own seals. That was pretty cool.

"By _vessel_, you mean a jinchuriki, right?" Sakura said.

The Hokage chuckled. "Naruto, you know my grandson, Konohamaru?"

The blond nodded. "Yeah. He's in the Academy, right?"

"He's going to be a genin fairly soon, and I wouldn't even consider him for Hokage. We're all very disappointed," the Hokage said.

"So, you're gonna put a demon in his belly?" Naruto said.

The Hokage shook his head, his towering hat exaggerating the motion. "No, no, he's far too old for that. The boy's a lost cause. Thankfully, my son's new wife has just given birth to a cute little granddaughter. So I figure we'll start stacking the deck right from the start."

"You're going to put a _demon_ in your granddaughter?" Sakura said.

"I agree. It's a terrible idea." The First Hokage, Hashirama Senju, dipped his brush in ink as he pulled down an unsigned page of paperwork.

"Oh, enough from you," the Hokage grumbled.

Hashirama met his gaze coolly. "The Leaf Village does not need two jinchuriki."

Sakura said, "We already have one?"

Kakashi placed a hand on her shoulder and a finger to his lips. "Shh."

"The jinchuriki are incredibly powerful weapons. What am I supposed to do, just hand it back to Sand?" the Hokage said.

The First wrote down his signature again, his writing messier than on the last one. "_Yes._ The jinchuriki have always done more damage to their own villages than any of their official opponents. That's why I gave them away in the first place."

The Second Hokage's grin was wolfish, a stark contrast from his usual overly-serious expression. "It was like giving a lit bomb as a gift."

"Wait a second," Naruto said. "If jinchuriki are so bad, why do we have one?"

Seriously, who was this mysterious jinchuriki?

The First Hokage said, "Konoha has always been uniquely prepared to handle demons. I defeated all nine of them with my Mokuton."

"Nobody else has the Mokuton now, though," Sakura said, thoughtfully toying with the mask perched atop her head.

"Kurenai does," Naruto said.

She rolled her eyes. "That's different, Naruto."

"We expected the Mokuton to die with me," Hashirama said. "Luckily, the Uchiha are capable of mesmerizing the beasts."

The Hokage's smile twitched. "The Uchiha are all dead."

The First Hokage turned to me. "What."

"Well, not that one. But the rest of them."

His monotone voice came out strained, and his black hair began to frizz as we watched. "They were a third of the village."

The Hokage casually positioned himself behind his own stack of paperwork, providing a barrier between the First Hokage and himself. "Well, not anymore. One of their prodigies went crazy and massacred the whole neighborhood."

"Ah yes," Tobirama said, pulling down a piece of paperwork. "The Uchiha Madness."

Hashirama sighed, his free hand pinching the bridge of his nose as his dominant hand continued signing. "Tobirama, there is no such thing as Uchiha Madness. That was one guy."

Tobirama snorted. "Typical Senju Optimism."

Hashirama blew out a long breath. "Right. No Uchiha. That's fine. That's why we organized an alliance with the Uzumaki seal masters…who, come to think of it, are also dead."

Hashirama silently narrowed his eyes at the Third Hokage.

"Look, I understand how, when you put it all together like that, it sounds like some sort of _conspiracy._ But I assure you, it wasn't _my_ conspiracy"—the Hokage cleared his throat—"Now, on to happier subjects. My son and daughter-in-law are going on a mission tomorrow morning, and I have offered to babysit."

* * *

The next morning, amid the thickening stench of demonic chakra, the Hokage led us to his granddaughter's home.

The Hokage flipped open a stack of pictures, so long that they brushed against the ground, and brandished them at Naruto. "This is Mirai's first picture. This is her first picture with her favorite grandfather. This is her first picture with _me_. This is her first practice kunai…"

We knocked on the door to the house and were greeted by a familiar face. Naruto shouted, "Hinata? You're the old man's daughter-in-law?!"

"Wh-what?" Hinata squeaked. Her left arm curled protectively around a dark-haired baby, and her creepy puppet dangled from her right hand, its mouth gaping. "N-No. We're just baby-sitting."

She rattled the puppet's mouth with a twitch of her fingers and spoke out of the corner of her lips. The puppet's "voice" was high-pitched and boyish, with an echo. "It's just a D-rank, but anything for Kurenai-sensei. Right, Hinata-chan?"

"R-right," Hinata said with her usual shy smile. It was kinda creepy.

"I hadn't realized that she and Asuma had gotten married," Sakura said.

"Asuma is the old mans' son?" Naruto said.

"Yes, of course he is," the Hokage said, patting Naruto's head.

Naruto ducked under the hand. "Since when?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Since always, moron."

"Wait. Do you mean always like, always or"—Naruto waved his hand around vaguely—"_always?"_

Sakura shook her head. "We're here to pick up Mirai, Hinata."

Hinata's lips thinned, and she held the baby more tightly against her chest. "I, um, I don't think I'm allowed to let anyone else…well, watch her. Asuma and Kurenai-sensei were very specific in their care instructions."

The puppet scurried into an adjacent room and returned with a scroll. The puppet said, "It says it right here. 'No one else is allowed to take Mirai. Not even family members."

The Hokage took the instructions from the puppet's hands, humming. "Mm. Yes, I see. Asuma underlined that line quite a few times. I understand your dilemma."

Hinata slightly loosened her hold on the Hokage's granddaughter. "You do?"

He nodded, his smile grandfatherly. "I'm upgrading your mission to an A-rank. You'll continue babysitting adorable little Mirai _and_ be tasked with protecting her from the one-tailed demon."

"We're gonna shove it in the baby's belly," Naruto explained.

Hinata leaned against the doorway, pale. "Do…Her parents…They don't know about this; do they?"

The Hokage reached forward to scoop the baby out of Hinata's arms. "It's a surprise wedding present."

The puppet squeaked, "They got married six months ago."

The Hokage crouched down to the puppet's level, tilting Mirai so that her squinted eyes could peer at its wooden face. "That's what makes it such a great surprise!"

* * *

We spent the next two days camped out in the forest that surrounds Konoha. In a small clearing, a team etched seals into the dirt and mixed blood into their ink, arguing about how best to seal the demon into Mirai. A second team, comprised of the three Hokages, were signing paperwork against the tree trunks as they waited.

At some point, Kakashi had acquired the baby and retreated into the treetops. The two stared blankly at each other, occasionally cooing.

I leaned against a tree as the air rippled with the one-tailed demon's chakra. I would sometimes catch a glimpse of an eye or claw or tuft of fur before it dissipated in the fierce wind that raced through the trees.

Hinata kneeled on the grass, white eyes following Naruto's paint brush as he scribbled seals on slips of paper. "N-Naruto?"

He lifted his head. "Eh?"

"I, um, I was just wondering"—a red flush began to creep up her neck—"wondering if you were the real Naruto, right now."

Naruto scratched his nose with the pointed end of the brush. "What do you mean?"

The red had reached her ears by now. "I mean that…well…are you a clone right now?"

"Oh," Naruto said. "Yeah, I'm a clone, but that doesn't mean I'm not real."

The clone stood to his full height, and his speech grew faster and louder with each word, almost panicked. "I have thoughts and emotions and dreams. I'm gonna be Hokage. And, and everybody's gonna—"

A nearby bush turned into a second Naruto, who casually tossed a kunai through the first. The original clone glared at the hole in his jacket, shouted, "Oh, come on!" and dissipated.

"Heh, heh, sorry about that Hinata," the new Naruto said. "If you leave them out for a few weeks, the clones get all weird."

Hinata, fully red by now, was incapable of responding.

Sakura had been watching the scene from the entrance of our tent. She leapt to her feet and began to walk towards Naruto. "You're a clone, too, right?"

"Yep," the clone said.

She grinned, bringing her fingers into a familiar seal. "Okay. That's great. Hold still."

"Wha? But we're not even fighting this"—Naruto's voice took on a sharp edge—"Stop whining, moron. You can always make more bodies."

The clone then slammed his fingers together and shouted, "Henge!"

The girl's skin was corpse white and her hair black. Her lips twisted from a fierce scowl to a wild smile seemingly at random. She had retained Naruto's height, needing to tilt her face up a little to meet Sakura's eyes. Their faces were nearly identical, but there was something unsettling about the copy.

"Your forehead is smaller," I said.

The dark Sakura laughed. "Thanks."

That wasn't a compliment. Honestly, her forehead was really freaking me out.

As the Sakuras argued and a new Naruto arrived to shower them with compliments, I turned my attention back to the demon. A pair of eyes drifted to life, two glowing yellow dots rimmed with black. My Sharingan activated, but they were already gone. I huffed.

A soft voice said, "Are you alright?"

I glanced a few feet to my left, where Hinata had approached. Half her body hid behind a tree trunk, as if preparing for my attack. That seemed prudent of her.

I said, "I'm thinking."

"O-oh?"

"I need to distract a demon, but what does a demon want?"—my fingers dug into the tree behind me—"What does it fear?"

"Trees."

Hinata, startled by the First Hokage's sudden appearance, squeaked, "Sorry?"

"Demons fear trees."

I glanced at the forest around us. "Hn."

Hashirama stared unblinkingly into my Sharingan. "Bigger trees. Trying to grab it. It's always worked for me."

"Oh. You mean the Mokuton," Hinata said.

Naruto tugged at her sleeve, jerking his thumb towards Sakura, her double, and the Hyuuga's creepy puppet. "Hey Hinata, how do you do that?"

"H-how do I…?"

"Make the puppet talk while you're talking," Naruto said.

Her eyes widened. "W-wait. The puppet was talking?"

The head of the sealing team, a kunoichi with a broken nose, barked, "Get the baby down here! The demon's waking up."

In an instant, Kakashi dropped down beside her, and the team began painting the seal onto the fussing infant's stomach. The demon's chakra crushed the air from our lungs, pressing against us as fiercely as the sudden wind. In my peripheral vision, an enormous body took shape. Sandy hair, streaked with black, covered the fat body, whipping tail, and sharp claws, but I retained eye contact with the beast's pinprick eyes.

I strode forward, drawing its gaze into my own, and pictured the trees around us stretching and groaning, spindly hands reaching for the beast. Their real world counterparts would soon mimic my illusions, trapping the demon while the seal masters frantically chanted over their work.

Then, three ninja descended on the back of a clay falcon, dressed in the same black and red cloaks as Itachi. One was hunchbacked with wooden skin and a large hat. The second was fair-haired and seemed to be directing the falcon. The third ninja, short and wearing a Naruto-orange mask, uncapped a misshapen pot, which sucked up the one-tailed demon.

We were thrown off-balance as the demon's chakra broke into wisps, the wind fell to a restless stir, and the clay bird flew away. The Hokage's granddaughter let out a scream, wriggling and smudging the ink on her stomach.

The Third Hokage's voice was ice as he turned to our team. "How dare they steal from a defenseless baby and make my precious little granddaughter cry. Hunt them down and bring back Mirai's birthday present."


	20. Evil Plans

**Ch. 19: Evil Plans**

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we chorused, leaping into the trees after the enemy nin. The aerodynamically questionable clay bird remained close to the canopy, eventually landing on a great oak bordering a meadow.

They were waiting for us, clearly setting up a trap. Naruto raced straight into the trap and yelled, "Who are you guys?"

The masked ninja giggled and spoke in an obviously fake little boy's voice. "That's Sasori, he's the scary one. And that's Deidara, he's Sasori's junior partner—"

"That's only because we haven't paired up any of the new kids," the blond grumbled.

"—And Tobi is Tobi."

Sakura's split personality, who was also an expendable Naruto clone, leapt into the meadow with a roll of her eyes. "_So_ nice to meet you. But what Naruto means is WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS STEALING ALL THE JINCHURIKI?!"

"Our name is Akatsuki," Sasori said, "and we are—"

Kakashi emerged from a tree next to the three ninja, sending Tobi stumbling off the branch, arms cartwheeling. The lumpy pot sailed in the air, and Deidara caught it. "Careful, yeah."

Kakashi ignored the objective of our mission to say, "I'm pretty sure I know this one. Their organization seeks to hypnotize the world using the moon as a mirror."

Tobi, who had been lying on his back on the grass, vaulted up. "Ooh, has Kakashi-chan met Itachi-sempai? He tells the best stories."

"He'll believe anything you tell him," Deidara said, the pot bobbing as he shrugged. "Unless it's true. Then he freaks out."

"Itachi is not well," Sasori agreed with a frown. "Of course, that is not unexpected, since Akatsuki began as a support group."

That made absolutely no sense. I challenged his blatant lies with a "Hn?"

"But we're more like political dissidents now, yeah," Deidara added.

"The bingo book says that we're terrorists, and Tobi doesn't think books are allowed to lie," Tobi chirped up at the tree.

Sasori said, "We are comprised of missing nin from all of the ninja villages. We understand the flaws of the ninja system, and we seek change."

"Why do you need jinchuriki for that, though?" Sakura asked.

The hunchbacked Akatsuki laid a hand against the tree, tapping his fingers thoughtfully. "To create a jinchuriki, a violent demon must be shoved into a child who is too young to consent."

"That sort of thing could affect the kid for their whole life, yeah."

Sasori's face seemed emotionless, but his fingers splintered the bark beneath them. What a waste of chakra. "I've replaced all the parts, so I'm clean now."

The clay bird shifted uneasily under Deidara. "Yeah, you're fine…Plus, the villages abuse their jinchuriki a lot."

I had a really hard time picturing Konoha doing that. We had all sorts of weird bloodline clans who lived in harmony. The only person who I'd even seen get kicked out of a store was Naruto, and that's because he constantly destroys people's property with his stupid pranks.

"Also, we wish to amass their power," Sasori said.

"So you can take over the world!" Naruto exclaimed.

Sasori cocked his head ninety degrees, which was very unsettling. "No. That seems like far too much responsibility."

"So you can…destroy the world?" Hinata guessed.

Tobi tore at his hair, spinning around. "The world is Tobi's home. Where will he live if it gets destroyed?"

"I-I'm sorry," she said. "It was a stupid idea. I didn't mean to upset you."

"If all goes well, we will not unleash the jinchurikis' full power." Sasori explained. "We will simply use the threat of them to control the villages. We do not wish to abolish the entire system—"

"I do," Deidara said.

"—Most of us do not wish to abolish the entire system, just to enforce a few rules of war. For example, there will be no more child soldiers. To fight, you need to be a responsible adult."

Deidara added, "We're thinking twelve."

"You monster," Kakashi spat.

Deidara cried, "Which part of that offended you?"

Kakashi's fists trembled, his right hand sparking with electricity. "I was a child soldier."

"Y'know, that doesn't actually answer the—"

To avoid Kakashi's attack, Deidara sharply steered into the sky, still clutching the pot. Kakashi raced after him, growling.

Kakashi acted on his emotions far too often, which was one of many reasons that he had never been a good ninja. Still, I could understand his fury. These Akatsuki were madmen. They had to be stopped.

Sasori jumped into the meadow, a monstrous wooden tail emerging from beneath his cloak. He withdrew a scroll from his hump. Sakura and her split personality tried to race past him, one on each side. Sasori's tail jabbed into the earth in front of the black-and-white Sakura while a poof of white smoke sent the real one skidding to a halt.

A cloaked puppet with yellow eyes loomed over her. His wooden mouth fell open into a moderately cheerful expression. Then, a dark cloud drifted out.

"That's some really stinky breath," Naruto said.

"Idiot," I said. "It's some sort of metal sand."

This was usually the part where an enemy ninja would helpfully explain their technique. Sasori simply pulled out another scroll, unleashing two more puppets. The "female" puppet pressed her carved lips to the "male" puppet's wooden cheek, then turned towards our group.

As Naruto summoned a few clones to fight them and the Sakuras dodged the raining spikes forming out of their opponent's metallic sand, Hinata and I raced towards Sasori and Tobi.

Sasori spit needles at us as he pulled out one last scroll.

As Hinata frantically flung her creepy little puppet at Sasori's slightly less creepy puppet, which resembled a wide-eyed Sand genin, Inner Sakura said, "Oh, come on. How many puppets could you _possibly_ have?"

Sasori released a torrent of needles through his left hand, and I avoided them with a backflip. He said, "Two hundred and ninety-eight."

That struck me as excessive and wasteful.

"They say"—Naruto dodged a spiked whip—"that if you make one thousand puppets…"

He then failed to dodge the spike whip.

A second clone continued, "…you get a wish."

"_Naruto_," Sakura growled. "That's origami cranes."

"Oh," Naruto said. "Well that must be kind of embarrassing to find out after making like three hundred puppets. The crane thing sounds a lot easier."

Sasori said, "It is the finest form of art, art that lasts forever."

Explosions rocked the forest a mile ahead of us, where Kakashi and Deidara must have been fighting. Tobi had disappeared. Either he was slinking through the shadows surrounding our battle, preparing to strike, or he had gone to help protect the pot. To complete the mission, Kakashi would need our backup.

"You're better than I thought," I said. "I guess I need to unleash my _Sharingan."_

Sasori gazed into my eyes with mild interest, but I couldn't see the battle from his point of view. I imagined myself racing forwards and jumping onto his back with a raised kunai. Still, he watched my actual self. Why wasn't it working?

I ran at him, throwing kunai at Sasori's half-covered face. He hunched forward like a turtle. His tail batted me into the ground. Tall grass and white flowers were torn from the ground as I skidded toward the trees.

The hulking Akatsuki advanced, his tail rearing up to hit me.

"Um, excuse me?" Hinata said. "I don't mean to interrupt, but I was wondering…"

Hinata didn't successfully interrupt anything. Sasori's tail stabbed at me as he politely responded, "Yes?"

She briefly glanced at the missing nin as her tiny puppet clashed kunai with Sasori's puppet. "I've never actually met another puppet master before."

I rolled away from the tail's strike. It reared again as Sasori turned to Hinata. "That would explain several oddities about your fighting style."

"Um, maybe this might be inappropriate, since we're fighting"—Hinata bit her lip, smiling timidly—"but I don't suppose you could give me some advice?"

Sasori, despite directing five attacking puppets, kept his eyes on Hinata. "For example?"

Sakura charged the tallest puppet with her sword drawn. The metallic sand began to vibrate, pulling the sword upwards and yanking her with it. She landed hard on the ground. "Thanks a lot for catching me, Inner."

The black-and-white kunoichi rolled her eyes, leaking killer intent. "What, and pop myself? You _need _me."

Hinata somersaulted backwards to avoid an attack by Sasori's boyish puppet. She said, "Well, it doesn't really seem like you're wiggling your fingers much. Or moving your hands. And I'm not even sure _how_ you're controlling puppets who are so heavy with only one chakra string each."

Hinata used both hands to direct the arms, legs, and occasionally mouth of her puppet.

"Yeah, that sure is cool," she squeaked as she flapped its jaw.

Sasori's laughter rumbled out of his mouth, although his body appeared perfectly still under his cloak. "A ninja puppeteer is nothing like a civilian entertainer. By extending my chakra into the puppet, the puppet becomes a part of my body. Wiggling your fingers every time you want it to move is like nodding your head every time you blink. Unnecessary."

"That makes so much more sense!" she cried, then turned bright red when she noticed everyone's eyes on her. To be fair, I would be uncomfortable if that many puppets were watching me, too.

I began forming hand seals, eyes still locked on Sasori, when he fired a _rocket_ at me from his left arm. At the same moment, a blade emerged from the boy puppet, stabbing a hole through the beady eye of Hinata's own puppet. The creepy doll retaliated by chomping down on its opponent's arm.

"Puppeteering is also much easier if the raw materials that created your puppet already have a chakra network," Sasori said.

"So…I guess, that's why chakra puppets are made of living things like wood and not rocks or something like that?" Hinata asked as a thousand hands emerged from the arm of one of Sasori's puppets, imprisoning Sakura.

"Yes," Sasori said. "Although I prefer corpses."

"Corpses?" Naruto yelped, attempting to block a sword with his bare hands. The clone exploded into smoke. A new clone avenged him by chucking an explosive tag at the female puppet.

Sakura gasped. "So that means…"

Sasori said, "You are currently fighting the third Kazekage, my childhood best friend, and my parents."

While I had once been a lonely orphan boy, desperate to bring my parents back in any way possible, I couldn't sympathize with Sasori at all. This was just disturbing.

Hinata said, "Oh! Th-that's sort of sweet. It's like they're watching over you."

"Do the corpses have to be fresh?" she asked through her puppet.

Sasori tilted his head thoughtfully. "Ideally, they don't begin as corpses. The creation process naturally results in death, however."

From the way Hinata's smile dimmed, I'm going to assume she found that less heartwarming.

It was about then that I set Sasori on fire. He crumpled, which was just embarrassing. It's not like a little fireball to the face is instantly fatal, and being on fire had never stopped me from winning anything.

With a gusty sigh, a pale man with light red hair emerged from the puppet's hunchback. His joints were hinged. He smirked. "It's been a while since I've had to use this form."

Several large knives sprouted from his back, which struck me as incredibly unfair.

He then spat fire at me, which—under the circumstances—seemed perfectly fair. I leapt away.

The Narutos had destroyed the whip-wielding puppet and were successfully ganging up on the swordswoman. Hinata had used her clan techniques to disable one of her enemy's arms. Sakura's split personality snarled and charged towards her huge opponent. It's a pity that puppets can't feel killer intent because _wow._

"I don't need Zabuza's sword. I'll just smash your face in!"

"Inner, wait!" Sakura said grabbing the…arms…of her prison. "You're going to—"

Inner Sakura slammed her fist into the puppet's chest, both caving it in and dispelling herself.

"—do that. Moron."

The puppet's mouth hung open and a voice drifted from it. "I'm not a moron, Outer. I'm just trading up. This body seems a _lot _sturdier."

"There is one very important skill that every puppet master must learn," Sasori said as the metal sand solidified into spikes pointed in his direction. "Exorcisms."

He sprinted towards the possessed puppet, rapidly cycling through hand seals and slamming his palms against its back. It crumpled to the ground. The metal spikes also plummeted. One slammed into and through my arm, which never would have happened if my dojutsu actually helped with seeing.

Sakura collapsed. She left handprint's on her prison's arms, revealing the fine powder coating them.

Sasori continued his lecture. "Puppets are prone to hauntings."

"That seems overly superstitious," I said, craning my neck to watch at him as I tried to unwedge the spike from my bone. I was beginning to feel unusually light-headed considering how little blood I'd lost.

"I am an example," Sasori replied. "Most puppet masters perform annual cleansings, as a precautionary measure. Of course, a particularly well-rooted possession requires—"

The clay bird swooped overhead.

"Yo, Sasori, time to go," Deidara said, still holding the pot.

Sasori glanced up at him. "I see you've lost Tobi."

Deidara said, "Eh, Tobi lost himself. Not my buddy, not my problem."

Sasori withdrew his puppets and jumped from the oak tree to the bird. When the Narutos and Hinata advanced, he said, "You may want to attend to your poisoned teammates."

"And the unconscious one I left behind, yeah," Deidara said. "Head injuries can really mess a person up."

Based on his erratic behavior, I suspected that it was far too late to save Kakashi from concussion-induced brain damage. But joking about that would be in poor taste.

As Sasori tucked scrolls into the scorched puppet he'd been wearing earlier, he called to Hinata. "You are a very badly trained puppeteer."

She opened her mouth to apologize, but he continued. "It is important, however, to follow your heart."

As the clay bird ascended, Sasori threw a scroll at Hinata. "Perhaps this will help."

When the Akatsuki flew away, ending Hinata's treasonous actions, she sent a team of Narutos to get medical assistance and rifled through her own pack for anything that might help. She pulled out a syringe, handing it to Naruto. He watched it with a puzzled expression, "Why don't we just cut out all the poisoned blood?"

Hinata gasped. "B-because that might kill them!"

"I was fi…"—Naruto's eyes dilated—"Woah, that clone's been busy."


	21. Interlude: The Other Naruto

**Interlude: The Other Naruto**

The place where Kakashi and Deidara were fighting would make a great new training ground. All the explosions were smoothing it out, there were lots of fallen trees to use as training posts, and the undetonated explosives would keep it from getting _too_ popular.

Deidara hovered on his grey bird a few yards above Kakashi. "Seriously, though, you can talk about some of your complaints. We're still in the planning phases, yeah. We might accept new ideas."

"Never!" Kakashi said. He grabbed Naruto and a handful of other kunai, and threw them at Deidara's face.

The missing ninja dodged to the side, but he wasn't expecting…"Naruto Uzumaki, coming through!"

"Huh. I guess _that's_ why my kunai seemed so heavy," Kakashi said.

Naruto tried to grab the ugly pot with the demon inside, but Deidara threw it toward the ground. While Naruto soared above his head, the Akatsuki member flew down to catch it a couple feet before it landed.

Naruto stared down at the forest floor, preparing for death. But suddenly Tobi caught him by the armpits, holding the chuunin way out from his body like when Sasuke had to hold baby Mirai. Tobi stared at the Konoha ninja through the eyehole of his mask, and Naruto could see that his eye was bright red. Maybe he was Kurenai's cousin. That would explain why he came to see the baby.

The Akatsuki sighed really deeply. "Deidara-sempai is going to break Tobi's pot, which isn't fair because Tobi made it with his own two hands."

"Wait, is that why it looks like that?" Naruto said, squinting up at the badly-made pot.

"Kisame-kun said that it was very good for Tobi's first try! If Naruto is going to be mean to Tobi, then Tobi won't stay here and talk to him." Then, Tobi ran away into the forest, but he was still carrying Naruto.

Naruto thought he would probably want to know that. "You're still carrying me."

"Oh," Tobi said, "Tobi did not notice."

After a minute, he said sorry and put the chuunin down next to a river. "Tobi has a question for Naruto."

"Eh? What do you wanna ask me about?" Naruto said.

Tobi rubbed the back of his head, and Naruto was pretty sure his mask was blushing. "Well, Tobi knows that his friend Kisame-kun visited Naruto before, and Kisame-kun said that Naruto was happy in Konoha. But Kisame-kun doesn't know Konoha like Tobi knows Konoha. Tobi knows that _everyone_ in Konoha is happy!"

"It's because Konoha is the best village in the whole world."

"Yeah!" Tobi shouted. "Tobi just wanted to make sure that Naruto was happy happy"— Tobi traced a little smile on his mask—"and not _sad_ happy"—Tobi traced a much bigger smile on his mask.

Naruto knew what that meant. "Oh, you mean like Fuu!"

Tobi flung his body backwards and groaned loudly, then vaulted up with a cheerful, "Yes! Exactly like Fuu-chan. Fuu used to smile because she _wanted _to be happy, but now she smiles because she _is_ happy."

"Why's that?" Naruto asked.

"Because she joined Akatsuki, of course! In the Akatsuki, everybody is best friends, and nobody is left out just because he worships a different god or is a shark person or is carrying a demon."

"That sounds a lot like Konoha," Naruto said.

"Of course it is! But"—Tobi leaned in close and whispered—"Can Tobi tell Naruto a secret?"

Naruto nodded and plunked himself on a rock that he was pretty sure was another him.

"Sometimes Akatsuki is _better_ than Konoha."

That was when Naruto tried to punch Tobi in the face for telling lies.

Tobi suddenly was sitting in a tree, though. "Naruto needs to let Tobi explain."

Naruto charged after him, but then Tobi was on top of another tree. Naruto began to walk up it, but he'd never really gotten the hang of that. Instead, he made a chain of clones, and they swung themselves so that the last one reached out to grab Tobi.

Tobi appeared on the grass. "Tobi is just wondering…if Naruto is so angry at Tobi, why is Naruto still smiling?"

Three of the Narutos jumped down, dogpiling him. But he was standing on top of them.

"How do you keep doing that?" Naruto growled.

"Tobi can appear and disappear anyplace he likes," Tobi said. "Tobi's old sensei could do the same thing."

When Naruto went to grab him, Tobi appeared on top of the boulder. It turned back into Naruto, who activated his explosive tags and died heroically. An unhurt Tobi was suddenly lounging against a tree ten feet away.

"That isn't fair! That doesn't even make sense! You…wait a second"—Naruto brought his hands together into a seal. "Kai."

Tobi sat cross-legged several feet from the river, and he hopped up with a weak chuckle. "Heh, heh. Tobi doesn't know why Naruto would use a 'kai.' Tobi doesn't know any genjutsu. Tobi isn't even sure what genjutsu is."

He scrambled backwards as the Naruto team approached, until his back smacked against the stone handrail of the river's bridge. Tobi jumped a foot forward, "Waaah!"

A half circle of Narutos surrounded him.

"Tobi is cornered," he muttered to himself. "There is only one way to escape."

He jumped into the river, his arms flailing as the current swept him away. "Oh no! Tobi forgot that he never learned to swim."

"Why didn't you take the bridge?" Naruto yelled as he chased Tobi along the shore.

"Tobi is afraid of bridges!"

Naruto jumped in after him, but he forgot that he wasn't good at swimming, either.


	22. In Our Element

**Ch. 20: In Our Element**

"…And then I died!" Naruto flung his arms out dramatically, knocking over one of the twenty-three flower vases surrounding my hospital bed—tribute from my fan club.

Sakura, Kakashi, and I had spent the night after our battle in the hospital wing. We were healthy enough to escape in the morning, which is why Naruto had been given the B-rank mission of keeping us trapped in the room until we were officially discharged.

We all considered Naruto's story. Sakura toyed with the teddy bear her parents had dropped off. "Do you think he was just a regular genjutsu user, or did he maybe have…the Sharingan?"

"That's impossible," I said. "Itachi killed all the other Sharingan users."

Sakura said. "It's not like bloodline theft never happens."

"It doesn't happen to the Uchiha," I said. "Most of us never even left the village. The only Sharingan thief is Kakashi."

Kakashi adjusted his headband, eye darting around nervously. "Naruto did say that he only saw the one eye. Could it possibly be…? But no, no. That seems out of character for me."

Naruto paced the perimeter of our room, watching for any sign that we would make a break for it. A second Naruto, posted at the window, said, "What about that Obito guy?"

"Who?" Sakura and Kakashi said in unison.

""Y'know, the one who gave his eye to Kakashi as a present?" Naruto said.

"Tobi did know Kakashi's name when no one ever said it," Sakura said, stroking the teddy bear's head as her mind worked.

"Obi-to-bi-to-bi-to-bi-to," Kakashi said. "They do sound awfully similar when you say them back to back and really fast."

I said, "Wasn't he crushed to death under an avalanche of boulders?"

"I don't remember digging him out," Kakashi said. "In retrospect, the injuries may not have been that serious. Maybe he was gonna be fine."

"WHAT?!" Sakura and all the Naruto clones shouted.

"What," I said flatly.

Kakashi watched a woodpecker attack a tree just outside the window. "I did say that neither of us were medical ninja."

"He gave you his _Sharingan_," I said. That was a really big deal, probably a bigger deal than cutting out your own eye.

The bird took flight as Kakashi shrugged. "Obito was never very bright."

Our conversation was cut short when Kakashi used the replacement jutsu to switch positions with the woodpecker and escape the hospital room. The Narutos raced after him. I calmly got out of bed, nodded to a twitching Sakura, and dived out the window.

* * *

Sakura and I were just about evenly matched in a basic spar. That didn't offend me too much, since taijutsu was her specialty…or one of her specialties. Her usually blatant eye movements were hidden by the Mist hunter nin mask, which forced me to pay more attention to her body language. Also, she kept swinging her monstrous sword at me. That probably counted as an advantage.

Sakura dug her sword into the ground to say, "Kakashi-sensei…and Naruto…you're late!"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, I know. When I finally caught Kakashi this morning, he was helping to put out the fire at the Hokage Tower. And then the Anbu asked me to help, and by then, Kurenai and Asuma had chased the old man all down the street. There were cabbages everywhere…Uh, you did hear about them trying to assassinate him this morning, right?"

"Hn." There was something really sweet about Mirai's parents setting the village on fire to protect their child. My mother used to do the same thing, although on a slightly smaller scale.

Sakura pushed up her mask. "Has the Hokage decided if it's treason yet?"

"He's still thinking about it," Naruto said.

I hoped that the Hokage would forgive them, but that was a dangerous sentiment to say out loud.

Kakashi said, "As I watched them tag-team a god, with Asuma's air jutsu feeding Kurenai's fire, I realized that you guys should probably find out your elemental affinity."

"I've been meaning to ask about that," Sakura said. "Ino learned hers way back in her first week as a genin."

Kakashi looked at her, her brow furrowed slightly. "That's when everyone's supposed to do it. We're very late on this. That's…sort of a problem our team has."

Killer intent emanated off of Sakura. She pursed her lips. "You don't say?"

He shrugged. "I was surprised, too, but it's in all our evaluations."

Kakashi withdrew three sheets of paper from his flak jacket's pocket. When we channeled chakra into the paper, its response would tell us our elemental affinity.

"Just one last warning before you begin," Kakashi said. "This is Fire Country, and I've seen teams where every member has an affinity for fire. That's really boring. Try not to get fire."

Sakura's paper burned to ash.

Kakashi patted her on the head. "I forgive you."

Our sensei then turned to me. "Sasuke, don't be a disappointment."

My paper wrinkled. I said, "Lightning."

Kakashi sighed. "I've always thought of lightning as fire that comes from the sky. Your turn, Naruto. Try to get water. I've never seen that in Konoha."

The paper split in two.

"What's that mean?" Naruto said.

"Wind," Sakura said.

"That sounds wimpy," Naruto grumbled.

"Actually, it's pretty rare," Sakura said.

Once again, Naruto had been gifted with a unique and powerful talent and immediately insulted it.

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath.

"Uh, sensei?" Naruto said.

"Kids, I'm not disappointed. I'm just angry."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I don't suppose you're going to teach us any elemental jutsu?"

"I don't really teach. It's not that I'm bad at it; I just don't want to," Kakashi said. "I'd suggest bothering someone else. Pretty much anyone can teach Sakura fire, but Asuma is the only wind user in Konoha. If you hurry, Naruto, you can probably work teaching you stuff into his probation. Assuming he hasn't committed treason."

"I'll go check." Naruto pulled out a kunai and popped himself.

I said, "And lightning?"

Kakashi's hands crackled with lightning as he started giggling. "I know just the man."

* * *

As I approached the new training ground carved out by Kakashi's recent fight, Rock Lee performed a series of flips to land in front of me. "Ah! Back again to challenge me, I see."

I stepped around an undetonated clay bird. "No."

"Surely you wish to recover the reputation you lost when I defeated you during the Chuunin Exams," Lee said.

"That was six months ago," I said. "Besides, if I really cared, I'd probably go fight Shino."

Lee's eyes gleamed, and he raised a fist skyward. "My eternal rival, Shino Aburame, is reluctant to accept challengers. Though I visit him every day, he has never agreed to a rematch."

That was probably because Shino knew that Lee would destroy him.

Tenten, who had just won her spar with Neji, playfully tossed a shuriken at Lee's bug-like eyes. "What ever happened to _Neji_ being your eternalrival?"

Lee plucked the kunoichi's shuriken out of the air and leapt onto a fallen tree. "Shino is a cold-hearted clan ninja who has never had to work hard for greatness—"

"So, like Neji?" Tenten said with a teasing smile as she helped dislodge the weapons pinning Neji to a tree trunk.

"Much like Neji," Lee said. "But Neji has grown far more humble lately."

Neji hopped atop Tenten's weaponry to safely cross the training ground. He stopped in front of me. "I have you to thank for that."

"Hn?"

"When you were kicking me in the face repeatedly, I had a sudden epiphany," Neji said. "I realized that life is just getting kicked in the face again and again and again, and the only people who can help you up afterwards are your comrades and clan."

That seemed like a really profound thing to gain from my thrashing him in front of a stadium of spectators.

Neji's bloodshot eyes grew serious. "Admittedly, that idea may have formed later, when I was in the hospital. I have a lot of memory loss from that day, due to all those times you kicked me in the face…Nevertheless, I feel far better about my position in life now."

"You look terrible," I said. "Should I take credit for that, too?"

Neji's jaw clenched, emphasizing his protruding cheekbones and the shadows on his pale face. "Of course not. It's been six months since my defeat."

I smirked. "It was a pretty embarrassing defeat."

"Not that embarrassing," he ground out.

"Then why the Shinigami look?" I said.

Neji closed his bloodshot eyes. "Hinata has taken up puppetry. I've been told your sensei is to blame for this."

I nodded.

"She sends the puppet to patrol at night, even though we've all asked her to stop"—Neji's smile was grim—"I don't think she trusts us."

"Didn't you try to kill her that one time?" I said.

Neji growled. "It was more of an assisted suicide. She kept defying her fate by getting back u…"

Tenten rapped him on the shoulder with a kunai handle. "Uh, Neji?"

"Right. The point is that her puppet crawls through the compound, dragging its body from room to room. I don't think Hinata sleeps anymore. The rest of us certainly don't."

"Creepy," Tenten said.

"That is indeed quite frightening," Lee agreed.

"Have you considered burning it?" I said.

"Yes," Neji bit out. "It kept hissing and—"

"Ha ha! A sneak attack! What do you do now?" Gai shouted as he threw a flurry of shuriken at us and tried to kick me in the face. I rolled, accidentally activated one of the scattered explosives, and took cover behind a fallen tree.

Gai stood tall, arms akimbo, as the explosion erupted behind him. "What a fiery group we have today."

"Gai-sensei, that was so cool." Lee watched him, starry-eyed.

Gai's face brightened like a forehead protector in the sun, and he raced to hug his younger double. "Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

Tenten shook her head, her eyes pinched with amusement. "Every single morning."

At least their sensei arrived on time, even if he had his eccentricities. Gai's ever-present smile wasn't polite like Sakura's or manic like Naruto's or possibly nonexistent like Kakashi's. It seemed genuine, like he was happy all the time. That sort of heavy-handed emotion didn't seem natural to me. Maybe he'd spent some time in T&I.

"My eternal rival, Kakashi Hatake," Gai said, "has cashed in on a favor I owe him. I do not remember owing him the favor. But I am convinced that he would not lie about such a thing."

Kakashi would absolutely lie about such a thing. I expressed my skepticism with a snort.

"I have agreed to teach you a lightning jutsu. Kakashi suggested the Lightning Dragon Tornado, which combines air and lightning chakra to create a life-sized dragon."

I leaned against a downed tree. "That sounds impressive."

"That it does! Tragically, I do not know that technique, and though I have asked every ninja in Konoha, it seems that no one in the village does. Besides, I prefer to use my elemental nature to strengthen my taijutsu skills. I shall teach you the lightning blade kunai cutter technique."

"I don't know it." I trailed my fingers against the rough bark, committing each ridge to memory.

Gai looked thoughtfully upwards. "It was originally developed by my eternal rival, but I recreated it on a bet. I swore that, if I couldn't replicate the technique in two weeks, I would run around Konoha six times on my hands. Three months later, I had it!"

Gai plucked one of Tenten's kunai from the grass. He trailed it across his heavily calloused hands.

"The jutsu sharpens the kunai's blade. They say that it's so sharp that it could cut a strand of hair in two"—Gai held up Neji's flowing locks as an example—"But, as always, they are heavily exaggerating. Ha ha ha ha!"

I didn't want to learn that jutsu because I was really bad at using kunai, but I didn't want to express that idea aloud because Gai would probably force me to practice. Instead, I picked up one of Tenten's fallen weapons. "Generally, I prefer shuriken."

Gai's smile shone. "In that case, I will teach you the Lightning Flash, which infuses a shuriken with electricity. If I fail, I swear I'll scale the Hokage Mountain with one arm and both legs tied behind my back!"

On the one hand, I wanted to learn the jutsu. But, on the other hand, I really wanted to see that. It took an embarrassingly long second to decide that I had more self-respect than Naruto and wouldn't feign stupidity for trivialities.


	23. The Forbidden Jutsu of the Tsuchigumo

**Ch. 21: The Forbidden Jutsu of the Tsuchigumo**

Three days later, our team had reunited. We were, as usual, waiting for Kakashi.

"Do you think we should just go?" Sakura said, nervously fiddling with her mask and smoothing out the headband that had been tucked beneath it. "The Hokage summoned us almost an hour ago."

"The old man knows what Kakashi's like," Naruto said, while peering intently at a nearby tree.

Sakura sighed heavily. "You shouldn't be so disrespectful to the Hokage, Naruto. He could kill you in his sleep."

"That's stupid," I said. "Cases of sleep-murder have often been claimed but never proven."

Sakura spiked killer intent, her eyes widening. "I didn't mean he'd actually be sleeping."

Kakashi emerged, hanging upside-down from the tree Naruto was watching. "Who's sleeping? Certainly not me. I am awake."

Sakura gave him an overly-sweet smile, her eyes glinting coldly. "What's your excuse this time, sensei?"

"I had to take a short, 48-hour visit to T&I. But I'm fine now."

Naruto peered more intently at a single leaf on the tree branch. "Why does everybody say that?"

"Say what? I said nothing," Kakashi said. His words struck me as honest and straightforward.

Naruto squinted at him, turning away as the leaf rustled in a breeze that didn't touch anything else on the branch. "But you've been—"

"We should go see the Hokage," I said. "If we wait any longer, it could seem treasonous."

We all shivered, then jumped across the rooftops to quickly reach the Hokage tower.

"Ah, Team Seven!" the Hokage said as we entered his office. "What a pleasure to see you all so early in the day. I wasn't expecting you for another hour, at least."

He continued. "The Mizukage has requested a team of Konoha ninja for a very important mission."

Sakura pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Why use us? There are plenty of Mist ninja."

"Fewer than you would think, after that whole Bloody Mist debacle"— the Hokage shook his head — "Although your skepticism is not unwarranted. The target is currently residing in the Land of Fire, and the Mizukage is afraid of starting another shinobi war…presumably because _her_ village has never won."

Mist hunter nin are known for their discretion, quietly killing their target and slipping the body out. No one in Konoha would oppose a simple assassination mission; it certainly wouldn't start a war. There was only one reason why they would reach out to us.

"They're worried about collateral damage," I said.

The Hokage nodded, ignoring the way Naruto was glaring at his hat. "Yes. This A-rank mission will draw on both your team's areas of expertise."

Veins began to pop on Naruto's forehead as he huffed out, "Which jinchuriki are we supposed to kill?"

A light aura of chakra began to fuzz the air around the Hokage's hat, then rapidly disappeared. Naruto sagged, groaning.

The Hokage adjusted his hat, resting his elbows against his bare desk as he leaned forwards to sternly peer at us. "The six-tailed slug's jinchuriki, Utakata Suzumura, betrayed his village a few years ago. They've been failing to assassinate him ever since."

I snorted. "It sounds like they should have hired us a while ago."

"I said the very same thing in my letter," the Hokage said. "Allowing Utakata to live sets a dangerous precedent for Mist's other jinchuriki."

"The turtle," Hashirama said dully as he robotically signed papers at his much smaller desk.

"That impressionable young kunoichi may start to get _ideas._"

Ideas are very dangerous and highly discouraged among Konoha citizens. Sakura hurried to change the subject. "So it's just a simple assassination mission?"

"A nice, clean kill," the Hokage agreed. "Mist gets the body, and we'll scoop up the demon and give it to my precious granddaughter as soon as it reforms. Of course, there is…one complication."

Sakura shivered with killing intent, and her lips twitched violently. After a moment of silence, she said, "A complication?"

"The Mist hunter nin have tracked Utakata down to Mount Katsuragi, home to the Tsuchigumo clan."

"They still exist?" Hashirama said as he finished the stack of paperwork and began scribbling his signature on the desk. "They were always such a small clan."

"Proud, too," Tobirama said with a snort. "They had five proper ninja, hardly genin level, but they believed they were better off alone than joining the village."

"Even if they areharboring the slug, you aren't allowed to harm any of the clan members," the Hokage said.

"Wah? Why's that, old man?" Naruto said, now focused on the Second Hokage's stack of paperwork.

"During the last war, they invented a forbidden jutsu that I like to call The Village Obliterator."

Sakura's brow furrowed lightly with worry. "Should we assume…?"

The Hokage said, "It obliterates villages."

"Huh," Kakashi said from his perch on the ceiling. "That is not what I would have guessed."

"No need to worry. We signed a treaty after obliterating Stone during the last war. As long as we protect them from outside threats...mostly all those people whose villages they obliterated…they will never use their jutsu again."

"You mean they didn't destroy it?" Sakura said.

The Hokage chuckled, watching as the air around Tobirama's stack of paperwork began to tremble. "It was the only way they could talk us into upholding the terms of the treaty."

"Yata!" Naruto yelled as the paperwork began to lift into the air. He made it about a foot before he lost concentration and the whole stack fell and covered the room.

The Hokage plucked a piece of paper from atop his hat, his eyes amused. "Just be polite, don't startle any Tsuchigumo, and hopefully they won't obliterate the mountain."

* * *

Our team gathered at the edge of a forest, quietly checking our weapons before launching into the assassination mission. A few feet away, moonlight softly lit the grassy field circling the mountain. Aside from a few obviously booby-trapped areas, there was nothing of note in the field, not even a guard. On top of Katsuragi Mountain, four dark buildings huddled together.

"Um, sensei," Sakura said. "Shouldn't we send a messenger bird to tell them we're coming?"

"Of course not," Kakashi said. "What if they warn the jinchuriki?"

"Yeah, and what if they panic when we show up unannounced and obliterate the whole mountain?!" Sakura cried.

Kakashi's eyes curled into cheerful crescents. "It'll be fine. We'll just slip in, kill the jinchuriki, and slip out again. No one even needs to know we were there."

"We'll just kill a jinchuriki in the middle of the night without anyone noticing?"—I raised an eyebrow—"Isn't this a ninja compound?"

"Yup." Kakashi darted into the field, using his Earth Burial Jutsu to hide below the barrage of kunai that flew at him from the grass. On top of the mountain, a large fire lit. It appeared that we had woken up the clan.

Sakura, oozing killer intent, clutched at her head and growled, "Naruto!"

"What did I do?" Naruto said.

Sakura slammed her bird seal against his chest.

Naruto blinked. "Huh. That happened a lot sooner than I'd expected. What gives, Outer?"

Sakura sighed, relieved, as the Naruto transformed into Sakura's black-and-white persona. "You are so much more tolerable outside of my head, Inner."

Inner Sakura scowled at her as we cautiously followed Kakashi into the booby-trapped field.

A couple of hours later, as the half-moon shone at the highest point of the sky, we crept up the final stretch of path circling the mountain. Forty minutes before, we'd heard shouting. No doubt the entire village would be gathered near the path's entrance, prepared to fight. We would win, obviously, but the Third would probably be angry about all the collateral damage…particularly if the mountain, the clan, and our team were obliterated. It costs a lot of time and money to train a team like ours, after all.

We walked up the path and caught our first glimpse of the few small buildings and their meager defenses. A trembling old man stood alone in the small compound. He held a torch aloft, peering nervously at our shadowy forms.

He called out. "Look, I…I am really sorry about whatever happened to your village. But, th-that's in the past now. Your village is gone, and so is whoever blew it up. And, really, what _is _vengeance, anyway? It just causes more suffering."

I heavily disagreed, but the old man seemed flighty enough to blow us all up at the first sign of opposition. I spoke calmly to put him at ease. "This isn't about that."

I entered the line of his torch's light, and his eyes widened as he spotted our forehead protectors. He snarled. "Konoha ninja! I warned Lord En No Gyoja that the Third would never keep his promise. The temptation of the Forbidden Jutsu would lure those _thieves_ back here."

"Wait a second—" Naruto said.

The old man waved his torch at us. "You will never take our jutsu. Do you understand me?"

"This isn't about that either," I said.

The old man collapsed back into himself, slightly out of breath. "You _aren't _trying to steal our Forbidden Jutsu?"

"No," Sakura said. "That's not our mission."

"Maybe we'll swing by to steal it _after_ our mission," Kakashi said.

Sakura whirled around to glare at him, releasing a thin tendril of killing intent just barely felt over her duplicate's tidal wave. "No. We are not stealing the jutsu, and nobody is gonna freak out and blow up the mountain."

"I did say 'maybe,'" Kakashi said. "The old man hasn't really sold me on it yet."

Kakashi turned expectantly to the man, patiently waiting for further explanation.

The man backed up a little, "Uh…"

Clearly, someone needed to take charge of the situation. Kakashi was too busy attempting jutsu theft, the Sakuras were too busy stopping Kakashi, and Naruto lacked diplomacy. Somehow, that left me—the lowest ranking member of our team—to approach the old man.

I stepped forward. "I am Sasuke Uchiha, a ninja of Konoha. Are you the leader of the Tsuchigumo clan?"

The old man stood as straight as his crooked back would allow, his thick eyebrows furrowed. "No. I am Tonbee, the caretaker of this sacred fortress and the adviser to our clan heiress. Why have you come?"

Naruto leapt forward, holding up a photograph of the target. "Have you seen this guy?"

"Utakata?"—Tonbee blinked in surprise—"Yes, he's been living here for a few weeks now. I suspected he was wanted, but not by Konoha."

Tonbee peered closely at the photo, in which Utakata still wore his forehead protector. "A Mist ninja, eh? You can't blame him for leaving that place. Savages, the whole lot of them."

"One of them's been living with you for a month," Inner Sakura said.

"That's different. He's one of the good ones who had the good sense to betray them."

"Okay, whatever," Inner Sakura muttered. "Where is he?"

"Well…" Tonbee flushed.

"Sir?" Sakura said.

Tonbee tapped his pointer finger against the torch's handle. "When I noticed your approach, I sent a messenger bird to Konoha, to request help. I then told Lady Hotaru to escape, with Utakata as her guard."

Kakashi tilted his head to the side, at least one eyebrow raised. "Why?"

"We were expecting a team of vengeful ninja," he said. "Lady Hotaru and Utakata fled down a secret tunnel."

"That's so cool," Naruto said. "Where is it?"

Tonbee's whole body deflated as he sighed. "I collapsed it. I'm starting to regret that. It'll take a really long time to dig it out again."

"We'll lend you some Narutos," Kakashi said over the cover of his perverted book. "Where does the tunnel lead to?"

* * *

"Lady Hotaru!" Tonbee cried as we approached our target and a young girl strolling through the forest.

"Tonbee?" Hotaru said. "I thought you were fighting to the death!"

When she tried to hurry forward, our target placed an arm in front of her. "Tonbee. Who are those ninja with you?"

Hotaru's eyes widened as she noticed us lurking in the shadows. She repeated softly, "You _should_ be fighting to the death…unless…"

"Lady Hotaru?" Tonbee said.

"You traitor!"—Hotaru's almond-shaped eyes narrowed at us—"I will never allow you to take the Forbidden Jutsu. It's _mine. _One day, I'm going to use it to restore honor to our clan."

Naruto blinked. "Wait, you are talking about the village obliterating jutsu, right?"

"Yeah, of course," Hotaru said. "It's my grandfather's legacy."

Naruto persisted. "Obliterating villages is your grandfather's legacy?"

"My parents _died_ to destroy those villages"—Hotaru's narrowed eyes swept over our group—"How dare you spit on that."

Sakura's black-and-white clone drew a kunai, growling and leaking killer intent.

Tonbee's eyes had rounded with horror. "Lady Hotaru, I would never, ever betray you. These are Konoha ninja. They aren't a threat to the Tsuchigumo clan."

"Let's not make any generalizations," Kakashi said. "I'm pretty threatening."

"Kakashi-sensei!" the Sakuras and Naruto shouted.

Utakata raised his arm, pointing with a flute. "Hotaru. Go."

He watched us all intently as Hotaru began to walk towards Tonbee. She paused midway between the two men—several feet from either one. "Just what is going on here?"

"A simple assassination mission," Kakashi said as he burst from the ground beneath Utakata, his hand chirping with electricity.

"Master!" Hotaru cried as Utakata dodged, blew into his flute, and trapped Kakashi in a giant bubble.

"This is becoming a pattern," Kakashi muttered.

The girl tried to approach Utakata, but he stopped her with a sneer.

"I told you never to call me master!"

"But…"—Hotaru's voice came out soft and brokenhearted—"You are my master. You saved me from those Mist ninja."

"They were after me, not you," he said. "I only saved myself."

Sakura's split personality charged him with a flaming kunai. It charred his hands as he met it with the flute. After several clashes, he quenched the fire with a flurry of bubbles. The kunai fell and stabbed into the ground. The kunoichi skidded away from them as the bubbles started exploding. She climbed up a tree's branches, eyeing him for weak spots.

In a nearby tree, I heard two ninjas softly land on a branch, then go silent. A small gaggle of Narutos were presumably impersonating birds again.

"What about that time you taught me how to water walk?" Hotaru asked.

"I still haven't learned that," Naruto muttered. Neither had I, come to think of it.

"I didn't teach you anything," Utakada said, stretching his burned hands. "I threw you in the water and told you to stand on it."

I frowned. This was starting to sound really familiar.

Either Hotaru was on the edge of tears, or she was faking it particularly well. "What about that beautiful bubble jutsu you taught me, then?"

Utakada exploded…metaphorically. Hotaru hadn't been distressed enough to use her clan jutsu. "That was an impossible task! This is the Land of Fire. What were the odds you'd have a water nature?"

From inside his floating bubble, Kakashi took a sudden interest in the Tsuchigumo heiress.

A Naruto, who I hadn't sensed at all from his _perfect ambush position_, popped into being from a fallen leaf near Utakada's foot. He then walked past the target to lay a hand on Hotaru's shoulder. "Kid, you're a lot like me when I was your age."

She wrinkled her nose. "I'm pretty sure we're the same age."

"Yup. But you're starting waaaaaaay late for a ninja, so that makes me older," Naruto explained. "I know it's tough, but you should just accept that your sensei's never actually gonna teach you anything."

"What?"

Sakura gave her a sympathetic style. "We reacted the exact same way."

"Hn."

"Sorry," Naruto said with a shrug. "I'm sure it's not you. He's just too much of a lazy, self-centered, late-all-the-time, perverted jerk to help anybody else."

Kakashi, eyes fixed on his pornographic novel as he sat cross-legged in the bubble, added, "Also, maybe he just doesn't want to."

Utakada growled as Inner Sakura lunged at him again, capturing her in a bubble that he sent flying upwards. "Actually, I have a lot of issues with the general concept of masters and apprentices."

Kakashi turned a page of Icha Icha Paradise for quite possibly the first time that day. "That seems kind of selfish."

"It originated when I killed my master," Utakada continued, hands white where he gripped the flute.

"Right," Sakura said. "We learned about this in the Academy. A Mist ninja must kill his master so that _he _can become the new master."

"That doesn't surprise me," Tonbee said, stroking his grey mustache. "I saw the Mist ninja commit many atrocities during the war."

I said, "Wasn't that the same war where your clan started obliterating villages with your Village Obliterator Jutsu?"

"You can't blame us for that!" Tonbee snapped. "It was wartime."

Utakada huffed, blowing a few explosive bubbles. "I only killed my master because he was trying to kill me."

His master was clearly trying to get the jump on Utakada before his student could assassinate him. That sort of forward thinking separated a brilliant ninja from the mediocre masses.

"I'm starting to get why there are so few Mist ninja," Inner Sakura muttered.

Utakada blew into his flute, surrounded himself with a bubble, and began to delicately float away. "Tch. This whole situation is a pain."

"So cool," Hotaru whispered longingly.

Inner Sakura's kunai, still lodged in the dirt, began to quietly shiver with chakra. It flew upwards to stab Utakada's bubble.

Naruto immediately destroyed whatever suaveness he'd gained from that move by shouting, "Ha! Sorry to burst your bubble, but we're here to kill you."

"I have done _nothing _to deserve death,"Utakada hissed.

"Yeah-huh you did, you…Guys, what did he do again?"

Everyone on our team cringed in embarrassment, barring the one ninja who ought to have been feeling embarrassment the most.

Sakura said, "Naruto! You need to read the mission information."

"I did! I mean, I skimmed it. But I didn't see anything in there that looked that bad," Naruto said. Based on the rustling in the surrounding trees, even his clones were shuffling their feet nervously.

"He's a missing nin," I said.

Naruto winced slightly as Inner Sakura raced at Utakada with a flaming kunai in each hand. He said, "Yeah, but he's from Mist. We don't like Mist."

"Of course not," Kakashi said. "We have always been at war with Mist."

Inner Sakura jabbed her kunai at Utakada, the fire licking his fingers. "Except for that two-year period when we were staunch allies, which made being enemies again really awkward."

"Right. Always," Kakashi agreed.

Sakura said, "It's a matter of principal, Naruto. If a ninja can betray his village just because it's evil, what's to stop him from betraying a righteous village like Konoha?"

"Besides," I said. "I'm sure he's not truly innocent. He's murdered plenty of Mist hunter nin."

Utakada, clearly in pain as he fought Inner Sakura off with two burned hands, gestured towards regular Sakura's hunter nin mask. "I am clearly not the only one."

"That's a totally different situation," Sakura said. "The hunter nin are your _comrades_. It may be culturally acceptable in Mist to kill your sensei, but no village in the world thinks it's okay to kill your comrades."

"I'm pretty sure that's how they become genin," Naruto said. "Remember Zabuza?"

"This isn't that hard, Naruto!"—Sakura dragged her hand through her pastel hair—"You just don't get it because you slept through ethics class back in the Academy."

I had really enjoyed ethics class. We discussed lots of interesting questions like "Did the Hokage order an action because it is morally good, or is the action morally good because he ordered it?" and received a lot of interesting answers like "Yes."

Sakura's split personality was trying to fight off the explosive clan heiress, who had decided to fight beside her unwilling master. Kakashi had broken free of his bubble and was trying unsuccessfully to tear Utakada's heart out of his chest.

Sakura took a deep breath. "Okay. Finish this sentence: The Hokage ordered it, so that means…"

Naruto scratched his head. "Somebody paid us?"

Sakura huffed. "I am so not cut out for being a sensei to a blockhead like you."

"Now that you mention it…" Kakashi said as Utakada narrowly avoided his chidori.

"No!" both Sakuras shouted at him at the same moment. Sakura leapt into the fray with her giant, flaming sword.

Thankfully, Naruto and I had always understood each other. I met his eyes as my Sharingan activated. "Just kill him, idiot."

Naruto charged at me, exactly as planned. Due to the way I'd subtly rearranged his perspective, his attack sent him hurtling towards our target.

I smirked for a moment, then yelled, "This calls for my Sharingan!"

Utakada glanced at my eyes for just a second. I watched the fight through his vision. The black-and-white Sakura had tackled Hotaru to the forest floor, loudly growling at her. Real Sakura slashed at him, the fire's dancing teeth biting into his skin as he desperately dodged each blow. Kakashi, along with most of the Narutos, had been trapped in bubbles. Still, the Naruto horde kept coming, determined to strangle me…but unknowingly aiming for the target.

The most important weapon, though, was the one I didn't let Utakada see. My shuriken, sharpened with a paralyzing charge of electricity, flew past him and circled around right for his neck. It twirled through the air with dazzling sparks trailing it.

The shuriken halted. A large, blue hand gripped it, then dropped it with a hiss of pain. "Yowtch. That really stings."

Itachi leapt in front Utakada, destroying the Narutos with a sweep of his hand. Sakura took cover in the shrubbery, and her counterpart backed away slowly, a kunai to Hotaru's throat. Taking a barely-trained girl hostage struck me as particularly ruthless. I approved.

"Itachi," Kisame said. "Make sure our friend here is alright."

I watched Itachi from both my and Utakada's perspectives as my evil older brother kneeled to inspect the target's wounds. None of them were life threatening, but they were likely painful. Itachi looked up at him, his tone questioning. "Hn?"

Itachi's Sharingan met Utakada's gaze, and the illusion I had formed subtly shifted. Suddenly, the lines on Itachi's face deepened into those of an elderly ninja. I pegged him at about twenty-five. His forehead protector was once again unmarked, as if he had never betrayed Konoha, and the blacks of his Sharingan shifted into a pinwheel.

Utakada's eyes darted over the rest of the battlefield.

Where the first paleness of dawn had begun to seep into the sky, Utakada now saw only storm clouds. Blood spattered the bandages wrapped around Kisame's sheathed sword, and the Akatsuki member wore a gaudy ring inscribed with the kanji for "south." He was also, for some incomprehensible reason, wearing purple nail polish. Then, I saw myself, looking young, incredibly young…

Utakada destroyed both of our illusions with a kai. Shivering, I gratefully disconnected from the vision.

Kisame held up his hands, his monstrosity of a sword still strapped to his back. "Now, let's all calm down and talk about our feelings by using 'I' statements."

A Naruto dropped out of the trees. "I am Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm gonna be Hokage someday."

"I'm not sure if that's really a feeling, but I like your enthusiasm," Kisame said. "Who else would like to share?"

I said, "I have been ordered by the Hokage to kill Utakada Suzumura."

"And how does that make you feel?"

I didn't think my feelings were really relevant to this discussion. "Hn."

"Right. Uh, anyone else?"—Kisame pointed at Sakura with his sword—"How about the Demon of the Mist?"

Sakura let her smoldering sword's tip rest against the grass. "It's been a while since we've done a proper assassination mission, and it _is _our specialty. So it's pretty exciting. I feel like Sasuke just asked me on a date!"

"That will never happen," I said.

"I know, and once that would have crushed my heart"—Sakura giggled—"But I'm engaged now. Also, I'll probably still get to shish kabob an enemy ninja today, so I feel good about where my life is going."

"Y'know, you Konoha ninja really freak me out," Kisame said. "You're always smiling and laughing and joking around. You're so easy to talk to, like the sort of people who would listen to your life story and really _listen._ But then you're killing people, and you're still smiling and laughing and telling jokes."

I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. Our team traded confused glances.

"Who are you people?" Utakada asked Itachi as the traitor finished bandaging his wounds.

"We are the Akatsuki," Itachi said, "an evil organization attempting world domination."

"You actually call yourselves evil," Utakada said. "Honesty. That's a pleasant change."

Itachi's sickly smile crept towards his ears. "We plan to gather all of the jinchuriki in order to amass sufficient power to cast a genjutsu on the moon—"

"That is not the plan. Please do not listen to Itachi," Kisame said. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. Half the time, he doesn't even know he's talking."

Itachi protested with a slight movement of the eyebrow. That seemed particularly emotive of him; he must have been really pissed off.

Kisame turned to the rest of us. "Now, you may be wondering why I am a shark."

"I actually having been wondering that," Naruto said.

"Are you some sort of freaky genetic experiment?" Inner Sakura said as she trailed her kunai down Hotaru's face.

"Inner!" Sakura said from the shrubbery. "You can't just ask things like that…Besides, he could be a chakra mutant."

"A _freaky_ chakra mutant." Inner Sakura grinned viciously, patting Hotaru's forehead.

"Actually, I'm a clan ninja," Kisame said.

Hotaru, wriggling against Inner Sakura's hold, said, "Does everybody in your clan look like that?"

"Yup, we were a whole clan full of shark people. Until there was an uprising in the nearest village"—Kisame stared blankly into the distance, a typical ninja pose—"They harpooned us."

Inner Sakura barked out a laugh, then covered her mouth. "Oh. Sorry."

Kisame forced a wobbly smile. "No, I can see why that might be sort of funny. In theory. If it hadn't been _my_ family members flopping around on the shore."

"So you're the last of your clan," I said.

"What? No. There are about a dozen of us," Kisame said. "We get together once a year to trade presents and eat pie. Well, they eat pie, I can't because of…y'know…the teeth."

In the uncomfortable silence that ensued, we could all hear what Itachi was muttering to Utakada.

"With our individualized rings"—Itachi pointed towards a stolen wedding ring on his finger—"We can contact our boss and receive our morally reprehensible orders from him."

"It's becoming increasingly clear that you hate your organization," Utakada said.

Itachi turned wide, innocent, bright red eyes towards him. "Hn?"

"Uh, Itachi," Kisame said. "Would you like to add anything to our conversation? I feel like we're really getting somewhere, but somehow we're all still standing here."

Itachi's unsettling smile turned to a twisted smirk. He leisurely stood, his eyes trailing across the field. He met each of our eyes with his own. Itachi aged, a pinwheel spinning in his eyes. The storm clouds circled overhead.

I shivered slightly, hands pressed in a seal to kai, when Itachi said, "Foolish little brother, still too weak to kill me. Perhaps the next time we meet."

With a gesture, a flock of crows descended on Inner Sakura. She shrieked and popped. The Tsuchigumo clan heiress staggered away from her, her hands flashing seals at a jounin's pace. Her fingers smashed together in the final seal. "Village Obliterator no-Jutsu!"

Then, we were obliterated.

I lost all sensation as I floated through the black void. I couldn't feel my limbs or torso or head. I felt like a bodiless spirit, drifting calmly through a cloud-shrouded night.

When I focused, I could still feel my chakra thrumming through me. Did the dead still carry chakra? That had come up in ethics class, too. There had been great debate over the topic, until the God of Shinobi sent a piece of paperwork from his tower to clarify.

"No," it had read.

The Hokage always told the truth, officially, and we always believed him…officially. I drew on my chakra and whispered with numb lips.

"Kai."

Kisame, Utakada tucked under one arm, had traveled through the trees until he was only a blue dot on the horizon. Itachi, in contrast, moved at a more sedate, jounin's pace. Kisame turned around, bounding across several trees to reach his comrade. He tucked Itachi under his other arm, and they fled.

I couldn't free my teammates from Itachi's genjutsu. Either they would fight their way out, or he would release the illusion once distance weakened their connection.

I turned to Tonbee and Hotaru, the latter of whom stared worriedly after her master.

"Tonbee," I said. "Would you carry Sakura back to your fort for the night?"

"Ah, yes, yes, of course. Anything to help out Konoha," Tonbee said.

Kakashi still sat in his bubble, appearing meditative in the grip of Itachi's genjutsu. A Naruto sprawled on the ground. I rose to follow the Tsuchigumo up the mountain.

"What about your other friends?" Hotaru said.

After several months fighting by their side, saying that we weren't friends—even when none of them could hear it—seemed cold and unfeeling.

Instead, I said, "They'll be fine."


	24. Making History

**Ch. 22: Making History**

"Are you going to do this every time?" Tsunade said, scowling at the back of Hokage's chair, which faced the window that looked out on the Hokage Mountain.

As we dejectedly filed into the office, Kakashi said, "The good news is that we finally managed to go a whole mission without killing anyone."

Tsunade turned towards us, leaning her hip against the right corner of the Hokage's desk. "You were on an assassination mission."

"That would be the bad news. The other good news is that we found several Sound ninja skulking around dressed like Konoha civilians. So we beat them up and gave them to the Anbu. We hope that makes up for our failure."

We waited in silence for a minute. As each second passed, we nervously imagined the Third's building rage. A mountain of killer intent would have been less intimidating.

Kakashi drew a scroll from his back. "I also stole the Tsuchigumo's clan jutsu with my Sharingan. Then I wrote it down in someone else's handwriting."

"Old man, you're not even there, are you?"—Naruto glared at the back of the chair—"He's doing that thing again where he turns the chair around and leaves for lunch."

Tsunade gave a long-suffering sigh. "Actually, we have a new, equally dramatic Hokage."

The chair spun around, and Orochimaru greeted us with a brilliant smile. "Hello!"

"Congratulations, Hokage-sama," we all chanted in unison.

Orochimaru turned to Tsunade with a giggle. "See? They reacted the _exact same way_ as all the others. It's freaking me out, but I love it. I'm starting to understand why Sensei couldn't give this up."

Tsunade crossed her arms. "Orochimaru."

Orochimaru raised his hands in surrender. "I didn't say _I _couldn't. I'm fixing it."

"Fixing what?" Naruto said.

"Not you. You're fine because of"—Orochimaru twirled his hand in a circle—"nepotism, probably."

Sakura struggled to keep her facial expressions under control and suppress her killing intent. "Sir, if it isn't classified, could you tell us how the Third died?"

"Terrible tragedy," Orochimaru said with a dreamy smile, smoothing down his new robes. "He had a heart attack in the middle of surgery and was unable to continue operating on himself."

"He was operating…on himself…alone?" Sakura said.

Orochimaru said, "No, of course, not. He brought in a renowned medical ninja to assist. Unfortunately, she is terrified of blood and, at the time of the incident, was busy cowering in the corner while sobbing hysterically."

Tsunade growled.

Orochimaru hissed at her. "Fine. Cowering in the corner in a very dignified and stoic manner. Better?"

Tsunade smirked. "Afterwards, we realized how few people were qualified for the position. I refused, a few senior ninja died of natural causes, and we're still looking for Jiraiya. The only other option was…"

"Me!" Orochimaru chirped, clapping his hands together with childish joy.

Tsunade chuckled, a victorious gleam in her eyes. "Him."

Orochimaru rubbed his hands together in a diabolical and stereotypically Hokage-like manner. "I have an important new mission for your team. You're going to form a jutsu-stealing squad…Your job is to pick as many fights as possible and then steal their jutsu with your Sharingan."

Kakashi stroked his mask. "I'm really good at picking fights."

"Splendid! I figured you could start in Stone and—"

Tsunade leaned over to whisper in Orochimaru's ear.

Orochimaru's yellow eyes widened. "What?! Oh. I see. So it's not that nobody's ever thought of a jutsu-stealing squad, we just can't…Right."

Orochimaru sheepishly began playing with the desk's drawers. "New plan. You keep doing what you're doing."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we said.

"Just one quick question. What _are _you doing?" Orochimaru said as he began pulling scrolls from the drawer.

"Lately, we've been failing our missions due to the Akatsuki," I said flatly.

"Bunch of eccentrics. I joined them for a time, during my anarchist phase"—the new Hokage opened a second drawer—"Dear kami, this desk is _stuffed _with ninja corpses."

Tsunade spoke coolly, her mouth flat. "Orochimaru."

"It's like sensei wasn't even using them!"

"We were discussing Team Seven's run-ins with a terrorist organization," she said.

"The Akatsuki is being dealt with," Orochimaru said, hugging an armful of scrolls to his chest. "I just sent my best spy to infiltrate them."

* * *

**Kabuto POV**

"…which is an insane amount of cabinet space. Nobody here cooks, but the old lady who used to own this place had like twenty servants," Kisame said as he herded the newest Akatsuki member through a tour of their headquarters.

The next room had pristine white carpets, walls crawling with cherry blossom branches, and a wide, low table. "This is the sitting room. We don't sit much around here, but Sasori likes it for his tea parties."

"Tea parties?"

"With his puppets. It's a hobby of his," Kisame said. "You've got to have a hobby, best way to keep your spirits up. Do you have a hobby?"

"I take the chuunin exams a lot," Kabuto said hesitantly.

"I'm not sure if that really counts as a hobby. That's ninja stuff. A hobby has to be different from your work. For instance, Tobi's picked up pottery. Hidan found religion…not the one we wanted him to, but it gives him comfort. Itachi writes home a lot, which is nice. Most of us don't have anybody to write to."

Kabuto stared at a painting of a tree. Tree. Leaf. Home. Loyalty. He shook his head slightly, turning a sheepish smile towards Kisame. "Sorry. I got distracted. What do _you_ do?"

Kisame rifled around in his pocket, pulling out an origami crane about the size of a chopped-out eye. "I make these little paper cranes. They say that, if you make a thousand of them, you get a wish. Itachi thinks it's some sort of plot, so he sets them on fire. He doesn't think we know, but we know."

"I make ninja info cards," Kabuto said as they walked down the hallway to the final room of the tour.

"That's neat. Do you trade them or something?"

"No. I keep them, so I can't forget," Kabuto said, lightly touching the deck in his pocket for reassurance.

Kisame smiled his friendly, carnivorous grin. "And we finish our tour in what was previously the formal dining hall, but is now the meeting room. Hi, everybody!"

The others returned the greeting as Kisame sat at the head of the table and steered Kabuto into the seat at his left hand. The gilled man said, "Now, this is a very important meeting because Akatsuki has recently gained three new members."

"Woo! Woo! Woo!" Fuu chanted.

"Yeah!" Tobi said.

"You're giving me a goddamned headache," Hidan grumbled.

"Now, as most of you already know, the Akatsuki operates on the buddy system," Kisame said.

"This is not what I was expecting when I signed up," Utakada said.

"Buddies are very important. Can someone tell me why?" Kisame looked between the Akatsuki's cloaked members expectantly

Hidan jabbed a kunai at Kakuzu's throat. "Because we're all fucking insane."

Kakuzu growled, batting away the attack. He said, "When one member is having a less lucid moment, the other can mitigate the damage and hopefully save us money."

"Close enough," Kisame said. "You've gotta look out for your buddy. That's what buddies do. Today, all of our new members will be assigned a buddy."

"Joy," Utakada said.

"First, let's all introduce ourselves and state one fun fact," Kisame said, "starting with_ my_ buddy."

Itachi observed Kisame darkly as his partner slapped a hand on his shoulder. "I am Itachi Uchiha. I murdered my entire clan."

"Okay, let's have slightly less fun with that fact," Kisame said.

The next member snorted. "I am Utakada, and I hold the slug demon."

"Kakuzu. I like money."

"Hidan. I worship the one true god, and none of you assholes should forget it."

Tobi bounced in his seat. "Tobi is a Tobi, and the wonderful thing about Tobi is that he's the only one."

"I'm Fuu, and I'm going to be best friends with all of you," Fuu said, an unsettling gleam in her eyes.

Kabuto scribbled all the names hurriedly onto blank cards as Sasori, then Deidara introduced themselves. There were far too many ninja here to remember.

"New guy," the blond…Deidara said. "Who are you?"

"I am a loyal Konoha ninja," Kabuto answered automatically, glancing up from his cards.

Kakuzu said, "Ah. Another one of those."

Deidara snickered. "He and Itachi would get along great, yeah."

"Woah there," Kisame said. "Itachi is not yet ready to be senior partner."

Itachi glared at the table. "I resent that statement, but my mother always told me that, if I didn't have anything nice to say, I should say nothing."

Kisame said, "Uh, Itachi. You might think you're using your inside-of-your-brain voice right now, but you're actually using your outside-of-your-head voice."

Itachi stared at him emotionlessly, barring the slight smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Hn."

"I'll take the boy," Sasori said. "He's one of my spies. Or he was one of my spies. I'm clearly not the only one pulling his strings."

"Great. So Kabuto goes with Sasori," Kisame said, tracing connections in the air with his fingertip. "That means that Deidara will be buddies with Utakada."

"Senior partner, hell yeah!" Deidara said.

"And I do believe that Fuu and Tobi are already buddies in every other sense. So we might as well make it official," Kisame said.

As the two childlike ninja high-fived, Hidan snapped, "I'm still junior partner, but that retard gets to be in charge?"

"Now, now, Hidan," Kisame said. "Tobi was a founding member of the Akatsuki. I'm sure he'll do a wonderful job with Fuu."

"We're gonna play every game _and_ kidnap all the sad ninja. Nehhhhh." Tobi would probably be pulling down his eyelid and sticking out his tongue, if it weren't for the mask in the way.

"I will wear your fucking skin," Hidan hissed.

Kisame held up a hand in warning. "Now, now. That sort of thing is why Orochimaru left."

Deidara grinned across the table at Itachi, his voice falling to a throaty hiss. "I don't know whyyyy you're so upset, yeah. I just want to crawl inside you."

"That experience was deeply disturbing," Sasori said.

"Konoha ninja," Kakuzu pronounced dully.

"Hn."

Tobi sighed, and his voice sounded like he was pouting. "Don't be angry, Itachi-chan. Usually Konoha ninja are the best ninja, but when they're crazy, they're _crazy._"

Kakuzu watched as Tobi spun his fingers over his ears, giggling. "Tobi, aren't you a Konoha ninja?"

Tobi abruptly stopped the motion, a slight edge to his childish voice. "Tobi forgets."

* * *

Not much changed when Orochimaru became the Sixth Hokage…except history; that changed a lot.

For instance, the Third never took office as a thirteen-year-old and didn't train an entire genin team while simultaneously running the village.

"How would that even work?!" Orochimaru had said during a village meeting. "You don't have that much free time as a Hokage. I know. I am neglecting so many duties just by being here today."

He then explained that there was a first Third Hokage, before the Third, who everyone forgot about. After a lot of careful thought, we all realized that he was right. That particular Hokage was just incredibly boring and unmemorable.

In any case, the nose on the Hokage Mountain soon had a second eye. The new eye, not yet smoothed with age, squinted down at us through the Hokage's office window as we waited patiently for Orochimaru to turn his chair around.

Tsunade looked over paperwork on a desk angled beside his. She set a scroll on the corner of Orochimaru's desk, then shoved another onto a pile of papers on the floor with a disgusted grunt. With a seal, she set them all on fire.

Naruto kicked a foot against the floor. "So, do you guys think we have another Hokage, or—"

"Peekaboo!" Orochimaru sang as he twirled his chair towards us. He was holding a small baby with dark, long-lashed eyes. "Meet Yuki-chan."

"Aww," Sakura said. "How cute!"

"I know. She even does tricks."

Orochimaru tickled Yuki's sides. The little girl's face scrunched up, and she squirmed away. Suddenly, the Hokage's hands were frozen in blocks of ice.

He held up the two blocks of ice. "She hates being tickled. It's absolutely adorable."

"How old is she?" Sakura asked.

Orochimaru tapped his iced hands thoughtfully against the desk. "Either three months or two days, depending on your point of view."

Sakura's right hand suddenly snapped into a fist. She painstakingly stretched one finger free, then another.

Orochimaru mused, "It's a lot like Tsunade. Either she's thirty-five, or—"

Tsunade glanced slowly from Orochimaru to the mound of ash darkening the floor. "I could set you on fire, too."

"—or she's twenty-five. It's a mystery. Also, a joke. The baby is clearly not two days old. "

"Is she"—I paused—"yours?"

"In a proprietary sense."

"Orochimaru," Tsunade said coolly, flinging another paper onto the ash.

The Hokage continued, "She has no parents, but I consider all Konoha citizens to be my children. I'm keeping her for the moment, but she'll soon have to go to an orphanage."

"What's an orphanage?" Naruto said.

Orochimaru blinked, attempting to flick his hair behind his ear with a mitten of ice still coating his hand. "Where we send the little orphans?"

"Oh. You mean the Academy," Naruto said.

"I…"—Orochimaru opened a drawer of his desk with an elbow, yanked out a file, and rifled through it—"Yes. I mean the Academy. Could one of the Anbu skulking about stop skulking for a moment?"

The Anbu who wore an owl mask appeared in front of the Hokage's desk. "Sir."

"I need you to tell the chuunin on duty to contact the Academy about hiring some new workers. There'll be a dozen new children coming in a week or two, depending on when the others are ready, and I don't want the Academy to be understaffed."

A fwooshing sound signaled Owl's departure and, almost immediately afterwards, arrival. "The message has been delivered."

Orochimaru laid his chin against an ice-encased hand. "That was fast."

"It _was _fast, sir, but that doesn't mean I'm lying," Owl said.

"No. Uh, no, I didn't think…Very good, Owl," Orochimaru said with bizarre nervousness, considering he could easily have us all beheaded within twenty seconds. He gazed thoughtfully towards the ceiling corner where the Anbu had swiftly concealed himself.

"So, do we have a mission?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto," Sakura hissed.

"What? The real me is off eating ramen and sleeping, and I'm just standing here _wishing_ I could do that stuff."

Sakura sharply elbowed him, and he poofed out of existence. "Sorry about him, Hokage-sama."

A Naruto leapt through the closed window, shattering the glass. The glass shards poofed into other Narutos. As they scampered away, the clone said, "Yeah, me too. That one was a loose cannon. He had to be popped."

"Too right, boss," another Naruto said as he crouched down and henged into a plant.

Orochimaru bounced Yuki on his lap. "No, it was a reasonable question. You see, I've been thinking about the Akatsuki problem. The mission reports I've received from my spy—and also Itachi Uchiha, which was a nice surprise—are garbled and contradicting. I can't tell if the enemy is interfering with them or if my agents have finally gone _too_ deep undercover. Fortunately, we now have some intelligence on the location where they're keeping the latest jinchuriki. It's a whole lot snazzier than our old place. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but…"

Tsunade set another small stack of paperwork on fire.

"Oh, enough of that," Orochimaru grumbled. "You're as bad as the baby."

Tsunade leaned over to ruffle Yuki's hair, meeting the Hokage's eyes challengingly. "I could say the same."

Orochimaru smirked at her, then turned to us. "My spymaster recently returned from his long-term training trip. When you go to hunt down the Akatsuki and kidnap their jinchuriki, he will lead you."

The Hokage stared at us for a long moment, then glared at the door. "Seriously, Jiraiya? That was obviously your cue."

"Your office is soundproof, Hokage-sama," an Anbu said as his upper body melted out of the walls.

"Tsunade, you heard us plan this," Orochimaru said. "Did you know this would happen?"

Tsunade merely flicked a bang out of her eyes, humming contentedly as she sorted paperwork.

"Should we send him in, sir?" the Anbu asked.

Orochimaru huffed, resting his chin petulantly atop the infant's head. "Yes, sure. Go ahead."

A ninja thrumming with power, his white hair bristling down his back, strode in. "What happened to the cue?"

Orochimaru smacked his hands against his desk, cracking open the ice encasing them. "Tsunade is mean."

Jiraiya snorted. "I could've told you that forty years ago."

"You're mean, too," Orochimaru said, stroking Yuki's hair, "just like sensei. Why am I the only one who's nice?"

Jiraiya laughed. "How'd you get that kid again?"

Orochimaru pouted. "I said 'nice,' not morally flawless."

Tsunade looked up from her paperwork. A light smile played across her usually dour face, but her voice remained flat. "Team Seven, meet Jiraiya. You may already know him as the Third Sannin, the Toad Sage—"

"That handsome devil," Jiraiya said with a wink towards Sakura. The girl broiled with killer intent, which warred with the intent radiating off Tsunade.

"—The Great Pervert, the Konoha Bath Peeper, or That Creep Who Writes _Icha Icha Paradise." _

"Kakashi is a big fan of yours," Naruto said.

I'm not sure if you can really be considered a "big fan" of an author when you've only read one of their books. Kakashi was always rereading the same one over and over again.

I'd looked for it once to try to understand the appeal, but the uneven characterization ruined my immersion almost immediately.

Jiraiya said, "Oh really? What's your favorite book?"

Kakashi held up his worn copy. "This one."

Naruto said, "Ugh, can we just go, old ma…uh, young ma…Hokage sir."

"Technically I'm middle-aged, although the body stealing does muck that up a bit," Orochimaru said. "Your debriefing must wait until your final teammate arrives."

Orochimaru glanced over a piece of paperwork, signed it, and set the next three on fire. He then said, "For future reference, when I say something foreboding like that, please send the person in promptly."

"Sir," Owl said, escorting the final member of our team into the Hokage's office.

Sakura said, "Hinata?"

"I. Uh, I was…" Hinata glanced down at her puppet helplessly.

"The Hokage summoned us, duh," the little puppet said as it pushed in front of her.

"But I thought you were back on Team Eight with Kurenai, unless"—Sakura clapped her hands over her mouth—"Kurenai doesn't exist anymore."

"Who?" Naruto said.

"That doesn't even sound like a Konoha name to me," I said.

Sakura smiled nervously, a flap of her hand sending killer intent wafting at a shrinking Hinata. "I don't even think we were talking."

The baby spotted Hinata's puppet and started crying.

With his eye narrowed, Kakashi began to spin around on his heels. "Where are we?"

Jiraiya whistled. "Goddamn."

Kakashi then leapt out the shattered window.

"I'm starting to remember why I took off," the Sage continued.

"It's almost impressive, in a really disturbing way," Orochimaru said.

"Like your face," Jiraiya said.

"I will take that as the compliment that it is"—Orochimaru cleared his throat—"Everybody calm down. Kurenai is fine."

"Fine," Naruto said, "or 'fiiiine.'"

Orochimaru patted the still-sobbing Yuki's back. "She's perfectly safe and happy and existent."

Sakura sighed in relief, and the redness in Naruto's face eased as he no longer had to keep thinking. I said, "Why is Hinata coming with us?"

"You could use her tracker experience, since this is partially a tracking mission. But, overall, she's better suited to an assassination squad until she stops poisoning her opponents," Orochimaru said.

Hinata nervously stroked the scroll strapped to her back, eyes darting between the Hokage and Tsunade. "I didn't know it was…"

Tsunade lifted an eyebrow.

"…sorry."

"He lived, didn't he?" the puppet said.

"Please be quiet," Hinata whispered.

The puppet stared at her for a long moment and then hugged her legs. "I apologize, Mistress."

She patted its head. "Thank you."

"That is really messed up," Jiraiya said.

"I think it's charming." Orochimaru wiggled his fingers in front of Yuki's face to distract her from her tearful hiccupping.

"Alright. We're putting creepy puppet girl on the team. Anyone else?" Jiraiya said.

"You can always enlist my spies, once you arrive. But we aren't waiting on anyone else today." Orochimaru said. "It should be a simple enough mission. Just go to the Land of Rain, find a mansion full of S-class ninja, and kidnap two of them."

I said, "Are we allowed to kill the jinchuriki, or are we just kidnapping them?"

"Kidnapping is preferred. If one does die along the way"—Orochimaru looked fondly down at Yuki—"make sure to bring their corpse back for me."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," we said.

Tsunade tossed a scroll to Hinata, who fumbled the catch badly. "Pack your bags, drag Kakashi out of whatever crevice he's wedged himself into, and leave immediately."


	25. Aside: History Reeducation with Orochima

**Aside: History Reeducation with Orochimaru**

I would like to clear up a few points of confusion about the Third Konoha Coup. We will not be discussing the first two coups, but I think it's very important that we acknowledge them, for the sake of thoroughness.

Here is the story, as explained to me by several sources who were all biased but in slightly different ways.

During the First Shinobi War, there lived a thirteen-year-old genin named Hiruzen Sarutobi. Sarutobi was particularly old for his age and probably could have been a chuunin, if they hadn't kept canceling the exam due to the war.

One day, his sensei, the Second Hokage Tobirama Senju, said something like, "Well, we're all going to die unless someone sacrifices himself. Volunteers?"

And Sarutobi said, "Seriously?"

And Tobirama said, "Seriously."

Sarutobi volunteered. He liked everyone to believe that this was because he was an innately self-sacrificing person, will of fire, and all of that. But I've gotten him drunk before, and I can tell you that he was just _that_ confident in his combat abilities.

After Sarutobi's offer, Tobirama revealed that it was a trick all along. The Hokage would be the only one sacrificing himself, and Sarutobi would become the new Hokage in his place because he was…brave, I suppose. I've always found that ridiculous, like something a roving kitsune would do in a fairytale. It seems particularly out of character for grim, stoic Tobirama. Frankly, it sounds like something a naïve genin would make up to further his own ambitions, and the only witnesses were his squad.

Still, Sarutobi and his teammates never wavered in its truth.

The children returned to Konoha and explained the situation. The old history books say that Sarutobi was welcomed into the village with enthusiasm and given the hat only two days afterwards.

The new ones, which should be arriving later this week, tell a different story.

Maybe they didn't believe the children. Maybe they thought that was a stupid way to pick the village leader's successor. Maybe they were right. Certainly, Sarutobi's ascension was inconvenient to the existing elite, so they snuffed it out.

Sarutobi continued his life. He achieved chuunin, then jounin. He made friends among the Uchiha and several other prominent clans. He married. He took on a genin team—powerful children, but so much more powerful under his guidance. All the while, he remembered the Second's promise, and he ensured that his allies remembered as well.

It might have come to nothing if it weren't for the man chosen as Third Hokage.

Noboru Senju wasn't a bad person—a bit stodgy, not as charming as…me, for example. But he was strong and intelligent and generally fair. There was a scandal with the Yamanaka interrogators, yet if Noboru had been a Nara or an Aburame, there would have been only the usual grumbling.

But he was a Senju. Another Senju.

The clans had embraced Hashirama because he brought them together. They had accepted Tobirama because he was the First's brother and very involved in the village's founding. But three times? That was more than a coincidence. That was a dynasty.

Hashirama hadn't founded the village on the idea of Senju supremacy, and Tobirama chose a boy from a different clan to lead. Yes, Sarutobi had been young, perhaps too young, but he wasn't young anymore. And he was so charming.

One of Sarutobi's teammates had personally trained the Anbu guarding the Third. Tsunade had unlimited access to the Senju compound. The Uchiha had already formed the military police then, so it was natural for them to be spread out across the village. The Hyuuga saw it all but did not interfere.

In a week, Sarutobi was Hokage and the Senju dynasty had ended. Outside of dear Tsunade and her little brother, there were no more Senju. Just loyal Konoha ninja.

In retrospect that was how it all started…

I won't be taking questions today. I must return to my desk to sign paperwork, give out missions, control the weather, and do whatever else it is you think the Hokage does.

As always, thank you for listening and believing whatever I say.

* * *

Life had never been better for Orochimaru, the new Hokage thought as he smiled and waved and slithered through the crowd. He was beloved, respected, and revered as a god. This was the life every mother wanted for her child, and Orochimaru wondered if his mother was proud in the pure world. He also wondered if her corpse would be a good candidate for the resurrection jutsu. She _was _family, after all.

When he spotted his old teammate at the back of the crowd, he bit back a joyous squeal. "Tsunade! What a surprise. I thought you were getting drunk."

Tsunade held up a bottle of sake. "I am."

Orochimaru hummed a song as they walked towards the Hokage Tower, discretely followed by several Anbu. It was nice, he thought, that most of them were under his orders now.

He sidled closer to Tsunade, bouncing a little. "What did you think of my speech?"

Tsunade snorted.

"You liked it," Orochimaru said. "I'm sure you liked it. I worked very hard on that speech."

If she didn't like it, she would have insulted it already. She would blame it on the alcohol, but really it was that she was a very angry person. Alcohol had always made Orochimaru a much nicer person because it brought out his naturally sweet disposition, made him forget about his own mortality, and dulled the urge to dissect everyone around him.

Tsunade said, "I thought you were telling the truth."

"What do you mean?" Orochimaru said.

"About what happened."

"I did."

Tsunade swigged her sake. "Didn't you forget someone?"

"…Myself?"

She barked out a laugh. "You could never forget yourself."

Orochimaru didn't appreciate her tone, but she _was_ his dearest friend. He was bound to make certain allowances. He shrugged. "I'm at a loss."

Tsunade pointed at him with her bottle. The cap was off, and the sake sloshed out a bit. "Danzo."

Orochimaru tilted his face toward the sky, a tiny smirk playing at his mouth. "I don't recall the man."

Tsunade glared at him for the next several minutes. The Anbu were getting nervous, and her killing intent was making Orochimaru a touch nauseous. She finally said, "No."

"No?"

She growled.

"You talk like sensei all the time," Orochimaru grumbled.

"You are the _Hokage."_

"Okay, fine, fine. No more erasing people. But I'm not reintroducing him into history. This was all his fault, anyway. He can deal with his own punishment," Orochimaru said.

"He's dead," Tsunade said.

"He can deal with that, too," Orochimaru agreed. "Besides, I'm very peeved at him. He left a lot of messes for me to clean up."

"He left messes for Sensei, you mean," Tsunade said.

"Yet here they still are, not cleaned up at all"—Orochimaru pouted—"And now I'm the new Sensei, and it's frustrating."

Tsunade watched the rooftops, perhaps counting the Anbu huddled against the tiles. "If you're the new Sensei, then I'm the new Danzo."

Orochimaru halted, allowing a tiny corner in the back of his mind to relish how everyone else stopped moving in response—even Tsunade. "No you aren't. You're…the anti-Danzo. You make me a _better _person."

Another swig of sake. "That's debatable."

"And I'll debate it"—Orochimaru magnanimously ignored the slight quirk of his teammate's lips while he internally danced—"I'm going to visit Yuuki later. Would you like to come?"

Tsunade shook her head, the little smile already gone. "How is your science experiment going?"

"Rambunctious," Orochimaru said. "She's just started crawling."

Tsunade winced. "She's a week old."

"The accelerated aging will slow down soon, I think. She should be normal by toddlerhood."

Tsunade flung her empty bottle at one of the Anbu. "That's creepy."

"Special," Orochimaru corrected her. "All children are special. Particularly those with bloodline limits."


	26. The Toad Knows

**Chapter 23: The Toad Knows**

It took careful planning to cross the border. Rain ninja were particularly paranoid, due to all those times we invaded them, and blatantly attacking a patrol would likely set off a war. Kakashi insisted that we were due for one, anyway, but we managed to convince him that intentionally setting it off counted as treason.

When we were past the border and well disguised as traveling merchants, Jiraiya decided to pass the time with a dramatic reading of his new Icha Icha Paradise manuscript. His dialogue flowed a lot more naturally than in the early work Kakashi favored, but that didn't make up for the plot. Additionally, we all could have done without the sound effects.

As Jiraiya squealed girlishly ahead of us, Sakura said, "On the one hand, it's perverted, but on the other hand, I'm getting really invested in Emiko's love life."

"I…I understand," Hinata said, "but you don't think people really do...you know. Do you?"

Sakura flushed bright red, exuding killer intent. "No, no way. Right, Sasuke?"

I didn't respond. Some things are meant to stay private.

"Her blood bloomed across the snow, camellia red"—Jiraiya smacked the manuscript closed—"Alright, I'm taking a brief break."

"But she's dying, and she never told Jorou how she felt," Naruto said.

"I appreciate the realism," Kakashi said.

The sannin winked. "I won't leave you all in suspense for long."

Jiraiya leapt back, and stood in front of Sakura. "Should I be expecting a kunai in the back mid-battle, or do you want to work this out now?"

Sakura blinked up at him. "What?"

Jiraiya used the manuscript to fan the thick, killing intent laden air away from his face. "One of my comrades hasn't wanted to kill me this badly since I was on a team with Tsunade."

"That's not me. It's…Would it be okay if I let my sister out?"

Jiraiya looked her up and down. "That depends. Where are you keeping her?"

"In my brain."

I clarified, "She means her split personality."

"No," Sakura said, "That was one theory, but Inner definitely has her own soul. Otherwise, I would be injured whenever she got hurt. Yamanaka-sama thinks that maybe we were twins, and I ate her."

"That's disturbing," Kakashi said.

Hinata stroked the puppet strapped to her back. "I think it's beautiful. They're never alone."

Sakura rolled her eyes, raising her hands in the bird seal. "I could definitely use some alone time. Naruto?"

Naruto made a clone, which Sakura promptly possessed.

Inner Sakura whirled towards Sakura. "You know I have to hear everything you do, right? I just spent the past two _hours_ listening to that stupid book with its idiot main character. No self-respecting kunoichi would act like such a coward."

Jiraiya loomed over her, his expression cheerful. "Emiko has a sensitive side. That doesn't make my book stupid. In fact, it's full of subtle political commentary."

I did find it progressive how all the ninja characters had emotions, though they were far too influenced by them to ever be truly good at their profession.

Inner Sakura's killer intent started to deflate. "Uh…"

"Also, if you want to kill me so badly, then go ahead"—Jiraiya smiled _slightly _too widely—"Try_._"

Inner Sakura darted a glance at Sakura, then sprinted towards her with her hands raised in a seal.

Sakura dodged and unsheathed her sword. "Nope. You've been getting us into messes for years. You deal with it this time."

As we continued our journey, Inner Sakura fell back to guard the rear with Naruto. She removed her headband from the top of her head and started fiddling with it. "Have you ever thought about the fact that when you talk, people can hear you?"

"No," Naruto said.

Inner Sakura rolled her eyes. "Of course not. What an idiot."

"Hey!" Naruto said.

"See? It just happened _again,_" Inner muttered. "It's creepy."

Shortly after the Icha Icha Tundra scene where the protagonists were forced to strip nude and huddle for warmth, Jiraiya veered off the road and led us into a swamp.

"Um, N-Naruto. Do you know why we're here?" Hinata murmured.

"I think we're lost," Naruto whispered as loudly as possible.

Jiraiya crouched down in the muck. "We have come here to convene with the toads."

The sannin snatched a toad and held it to his ear.

"You're kidding, right?" Sakura said.

"Shhh. The toad speaks."

I didn't hear anything.

After a minute, Jiraiya chucked the toad into the distance. "The toad knows nothing."

"Why are we asking the toads?" I said. "We have spies.

"Yes, but one of those spies insists that the Akatsuki live under an active volcano. The other one spent three pages of his last report rambling about how bad his memory is. _I_ trust the toads."

Jiraiya stared us down. "Bring me another."

Naruto rutted about in the muck and soon shoved something at the legendary ninja, who scowled at it. "This…is a frog."

Kakashi caught the next toad with a flick of his kunai.

"You're a monster," Jiraiya casually remarked as he lifted its nearly bisected body towards him. Then, after a few moments, he set it down so that it sunk into the swamp.

Jiraiya stood and turned to Kakashi. "He told me where we have to go and, with his dying breath, cursed your name."

Kakashi shrugged, fishing around in the marshy ground to pluck his kunai out of the corpse. "Wouldn't be the first time."

Naruto waved his hand around to get our attention. "Wait, how did the toad know Kakashi's name?"

"The toad knows," Jiraiya said, striding further into the swamp.

* * *

The toad's directions sent us on a meandering path through swamps, marshes, forests, and backyard gardens. The final stretch involved crossing a pond that I am one hundred percent certain we passed two days earlier.

As the others walked across the water, Naruto and I had to doggy paddle. Sakura had offered to carry me across, but I knew exactly what she was trying to do. Swallowing several mouthfuls of stagnant pond water was much more pleasant.

Jiraiya and Hinata ran ahead to meet with local informants while the rest of the team lagged behind with us swimmers.

When we arrived onshore, Naruto and I dragged ourselves onto our backs to stare exhausted at the clouds. Sakura skipped past us. Then, her footsteps paused. "Kenshin?"

I tilted my head toward the flower salesman, who pushed a cart across the otherwise empty beach. "Oh, hi Sakura."

Kenshin visibly stopped himself from dodging when a kunoichi lunged at him, relaxing only when it turned out to be a hug. "Hi Inner Sakura. You seem particularly non-murderous today."

The light smile on her lips turned teasing. "When have I ever been murderous?"

"Not any time that I can think of," Kenshin said. "What a wonderful and utterly unquestionable coincidence that I happened to be here today."

"No one's questioning it," Naruto grumbled.

Sakura's fiancé made me nervous. He always acted suspicious, even when saying things that I _knew _were true. You have to be dedicated to come across that shady. Why consign himself to such a life unless he was trying to hide something huge?

I hauled myself up from the dark sand. "What are you doing here?"

Kenshin patted his flower cart, which echoed with emptiness. "Me? I've come to gather rare flower seeds. There are so many unique flowers in Rain, after all. Like they say, 'Rain country showers bring rare flowers.'"

Kakashi peered at Kenshin. "I've never heard anyone say that before."

"It's probably common among flower people. That's a likely story."

"It would explain a lot," Sakura agreed.

"Only a total idiotwould ever doubt it"—Inner Sakura leaned forward to play with Kenshin's long hair—"But, on a tangent that's totally not related at all, have you heard anything strange while you've been staying here?"

Kenshin's voice took on a slight edge of amusement. "I'm only a civilian, and I obviously haven't been listening for anything."

Inner Sakura twirled his ponytail around her finger. "Obviously."

"But you wouldn't have to be very observant to realize that there are an awful lot of Jashinists around or to learn about the group of missing ninja who've set up camp in an old manor house north of town. Sometimes you just overhear things."

Inner Sakura stepped back, gently letting go of the redhead's hair. "Thank you."

Kenshin blushed, tugging the ponytail back in place. "Why thank me? I bet a group of elite ninja like you would have figured it out in no time at all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my team….of flower salesmen."

"Good luck!" Inner Sakura said. When he was out of earshot, she turned to us. "I didn't realize the Hokage was sending an Anbu team in."

"Why would you think that?" Sakura said.

"Because Kenshin is here?"

"I'm not sure what you're implying."

Inner Sakura groaned. "Oh come on. You know he's the one with the Owl mask. I've been in your brain. Don't deny it."

Sakura's expression darkened. "Our fiancé is a civilian. You of all people should know that."

"Hn," I reluctantly agreed. The village's stance on Anbu secrecy could be a little…extreme. When Itachi joined, we were no longer allowed to talk about him being a ninja, even though everyone knew he was a jounin. _I _knew what was going on, and no one ever told me anything.

Whenever Itachi returned to the village from his missions, our father would shout at him to stop being a layabout and get an apprenticeship. At the time, I wasn't sure why they bothered. Looking back on it, I'm still confused. Usually, mother and I were the only ones who witnessed the fights.

"Anbu doesn't even exist in Konoha. It's just too sneaky and underhanded for us," Kakashi said. "We're very straightforward, we Leaf nin."

Inner Sakura flung her hands in the air, surrendering. "Alright, fine. I know nothing. Nothing to know; nothing to talk about. Taking this one to my grave."

We went to the village to meet up with the rest of our team, then ventured closer to the mansion for a little reconnaissance of our own.

* * *

**Naruto POV**

Naruto's team was trapped in the Akatsuki base's ballroom. Clay birds fluttered in the air, Sasori's puppets slouched in the corners, and most of the Akatsuki watched them from the stairs. There was the blond guy, the puppet guy, the religious guy, the guy with all those hearts, and also Kabuto. Naruto wasn't sure when Kabuto had joined the Akatsuki, but there he was, still playing with his cards.

Hidan glared at them. "How fucking stupid are you people?"

"Hey!" Naruto said.

Hidan slashed the air with his scythe. "You just walked in while all of us were here. I could kill most of you by _myself_. I have a goddamned godon my side, and even I don't pull shit like that."

Sakura glared at their sensei. "Kakashi said he had a plan."

"No he didn't," Naruto said. "He just said, 'Follow me,' and everybody did."

Naruto had only followed because he knew he wasn't the boss or anybody else important. He thought that most of the others had come because they didn't want to be left behind and miss the exciting parts.

"He seemed so confident," Hinata whispered.

"Sorry about that"—Kakashi glanced up from his copy of Icha Icha Paradise—"I'm very charismatic. I've been told that it is a curse."

"I'll give you something to curse about," Dark Sakura muttered. Her killer intent tickled Naruto's nose, and he sneezed loudly.

Naruto sniffled. "We should have all sent clones in, instead."

"Maybe I did," Jiraiya said.

Naruto had the sense that he was probably lying and wanted to check. But that meant hurting the old guy, and that would be a rude thing to do.

Apparently Dark Sakura didn't care about being rude, but Jiraiya blocked her attack. "Don't test me, kid."

"Will you all calm down?" Sakura hissed.

"Sorry," Hinata said.

Sakura massaged her forehead. "You are not the problem here, Hinata."

Kakashi attempted to ruffle Sakura's hair, but she dodged. He said, "Sakura is right. Everything is gonna be just fine. Soon, one of us will reveal some secret bloodline or a new technique that they've been working on for months, without telling anyone."

Kakashi looked at all of his teammates, and Naruto knew that Kakashi knew. Probably. But it was too soon, and could the chuunin really use his super-secret power? Or would that be morally wrong?"

Kakashi said. "It'll happen sometime. And then down goes the mansion."

Sasori, who had been eavesdropping from his position mid-way up the grand staircase, said, "This mansion is our home."

"Fwoosh. Like dust in the wind." Kakashi was clearly trying to mess with the missing nin's head.

Tobi raced in from deeper in the mansion and hopped down the staircase. "Tobi has good news. Fuu-chan and Utakada-kun are safe and sound, hiding so well that even the best seekers will walk right past them and say, 'Nobody here!' But somebody _is _here."

"That's nice, yeah," Deidara said.

"They promised to keep quiet until we finish doing whatever we're going to do with the evil Konoha ninja"—Tobi rubbed the back of his head—"What _are _we doing with the evil Konoha ninja?"

Hidan raised his hand, which was also holding a giant scythe. "I vote we kill them all."

"Don't destroy the heads," Kakuzu said. "Jiraiya of the Sannin and Sharingan Kakashi have considerable bounties."

"I also may be listed under Heart Stopper," Kakashi added, even though his original nickname was way cooler. The heart stopper thing sounded like a character from Jiraiya's books. Come to think of it, maybe that was why Kakashi liked it so much.

Kakuzu's bright green eyes narrowed. "Not in the bingo book."

Kakashi tapped the cover of his perverted book. "Oh, your copy is probably outdated, then. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure I've already claimed those bounties."

Kakuzu turned towards Hidan. "Give me the two corpses. I'll help with the killing."

Hidan smacked his scythe's handle against the tile floor and grinned.

Deidara leaned on the railing, tapping his fingers against it. "Wait. Should we really kill them, yeah? I mean, they're at our mercy."

Hidan snorted. "What mercy?"

"_They_ would kill us," Sasori said.

"Yeah, but they're the product of a broken system."

Sasori said, "As are we."

"True, yeah. But shouldn't we try to be better?"

Tobi hopped onto the railing and declared, "Tobi faces that question every time he looks in the mirror, but he has never found an answer."

"Have you tried taking off the mask, yeah?"

Tobi gasped, falling off the railing and landing on his back. "Deidara-sempai is so smart!"

You could almost feel the love radiating off of him. It mixed weirdly with all the hate radiating off of Dark Sakura. Her black eyes bore through the team. "They are going to kill us. Does _anyone _have a plan?"

Nobody did.

"Does anyone besides Deidara have any objections?" Sasori said.

Sakura raised her hand. "Excuse me. Does it help if I mention that I am still a practicing Jashinist?"

Sasuke had mostly been sitting around and not helping anyone while he quietly judged them all. This was the moment that he finally decided to speak. "I've never seen you sacrifice anyone."

Sakura's usual sunny smile dimmed as she fought for her life. "I'm a casual Jashinist. I only do the full rites for holidays and weddings and stuff. But I'm always helping my fellow Leaf nin find Jashin. Right, Hinata?"

Hinata hid behind her hair, her puppet standing in front of her with a kunai drawn. "Um. Yes. She, she always…does that."

Sasuke stared at Sakura without expression, and she got really angry. "Shut up, Sasuke."

"Other objections?" Sasori said.

Tobi shot up into a sitting position. "Tobi knows that Naruto is a good and kind person."

"That does not matter," Kakuzu said.

Deidara drew a clay bird from his pocket, thoughtfully examining it. "Is it just me, or do nice people die more often, yeah?"

Sasuke grunted in some sort of vague approval. Naruto didn't know why the bastard always had to stick his nose in everything.

Tobi curled up in the fetal position. "Now Tobi is sad."

Sasori had been staring at Sasuke for a while, but people always did that. Naruto only really noticed it when Sasori said, "Kabuto, am I correct that the ninja in blue is Itachi's younger brother?"

Kabuto shuffled through his cards and said, "Yes, ah. Sasuke Uchiha. Only survivor of the Uchiha massacre. Mostly A-ranks and D-ranks. Also acclaimed for killing Zabuza, one of the Seven Swordsmen—"

Sasori raised a hand, and his puppets all mirrored the motion. "This could be a problem."

Hidan said, "Itachi's still hunting down that bounty. He doesn't need to know."

Naruto looked towards the door, half-expecting Itachi to bust in. But there was nothing interesting, outside of Hinata's puppet, which was now creeping around the room.

Deidara tossed his clay bird in the air. "When has a plan that relied on Itachi not seeing something _ever_ worked out for us, yeah?"

The bird exploded.

Hidan growled. "Fine. Hogtie the Uchiha. Sacrifice the rest."

"I get the heads," Kakuzu said.

"I'll find some use for the bodies. Perhaps spare parts." Sasori sidestepped an attack from Hinata's puppet, and his best friend puppet scooped the little one up.

Tobi sprung to his feet and started jumping up and down. "Ooh, ooh! Can Tobi have Kakashi's mask?"

This had gone too far. Naruto would be fine because Naruto wasn't here right now, but his teammates were in danger. He strode forward, ignoring the freaky puppets approaching him and the explosive bird that landed on his shoulder.

"I have a great and terrible power," Naruto said.

"We know about the fox," Hidan said.

"…Not that one."

Naruto paid no attention to the reaction of his team. Now wasn't the time to talk about village secrets, or to yell at Kakashi for his smug, "I knew it" humming.

At least the Akatsuki seemed interested in his amazing technique. Kabuto pulled out a pencil and began looking for Naruto's card. Tobi stood up and walked closer, curiosity in his one visible eye. Deidara hadn't exploded the bird yet.

Where was he again? Oh, right.

"I have a great and terrible power. When I punch people in the face so hard that their eye pops out, they stop existing. And I don't mean the normal type of stopping existing. They also never existed in the past."

Naruto didn't understand why he could do this. Maybe it was because of the demon in him. Sure, no one had ever mentioned that the Nine-tailed Fox could erase people from existence. But then, if it could, how would you ever know?

"That's so scary!" Tobi started giggling, but Naruto knew it hid real fear.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll still remember who you are"—Naruto's grin had a prankster's edge—"Obito."

Jiraiya made a small sound of shock at the shocking revelation, and Tobi stopped laughing. "Obito?"

"It makes sense," Sasuke said.

"Obitobiobitobiobitobi," Kakashi added. "See?"

Tobi moved closer, until he was within range of Deidara's explosive clay birds. He showed no fear. Maybe he was a clone, too.

"Tobi isn't Obito. Obito is dead. Don't you remember, Ka-ka-shi?"

Tobi's voice deepened. "When we murdered him?"


	27. The Jyuubi Awakens

**Ch. 24: The Jyuubi Awakens**

"Oh right, I forgot. Rin took the other eye."

We all turned to Kakashi with varying expressions of disbelief.

I said, "That doesn't fit with anything else you've told us."

Kakashi adjusted his headband, eye narrowing. "That's probably why I didn't mention it."

Sakura hissed, "Sensei, what did you do?"

"That's a good question." Kakashi looked at his former teammate.

Rin's brown hair was cropped close to her head. Her Sharingan stood out like blood on snow, and purple rectangles decorated her cheeks. She held her orange mask in her left hand, tracing the eye hole with her right pointer finger. "We both knew Obito's eyes would be of more use to the team without him attached."

Kakashi hummed. "That's terrible."

Her mismatched eyes met Kakashi's uncovered one. "I'm quoting you."

"To be fair, I was going through a phase," Kakashi said.

Sasori added, "I went through a similar phase."

"Me too, yeah."

"How did nobody here know that our team retard was secretly some creepy chick?" Hidan said.

"I knew," Kakuzu said.

"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu"—Hidan turned to Rin—"Why would you pretend to be that moron?"

"It's a lot easier to hide without a face or a voice," Rin said. "Besides, most missing nin have a soft spot for children because of our own stunted childhoods."

Sasori said, "I grieve for the innocence I once had."

Rin held her mask up to her face and her voice grew high pitched. "Exactly! Who would ever hurt Tobi? Tobi only wants everyone to have fun."

"What's your real name, yeah?" Deidara said.

Naruto waved his arm. "Also include your likes, dislikes, hobbies, and dream for the future."

This was clearly a calculated ploy that would provide us with valuable intelligence.

Rin lowered the mask, pressing it against her chest. "Okay, fine. My name is Rin Nohara. I like healing people, children, and killing. I dislike my old village, Konoha. My hobby is running the Akatsuki. My dream for the future is the complete destruction of the system that created people like us."

"You fiend," Sakura said.

Rin laughed madly. "Officially, though, I am no one. Isn't that right, Jiraiya-sama?"

Jiraiya scowled deeply, a symptom of spending too much time traveling and seeing the horrors of the other shinobi countries. "We thought you were dead."

Rin tapped her cheek. "Sharingan."

"There was a body."

A spark of green chakra shone at her fingertips. "Medical ninja."

Rin's expression fell, but her tone held a note of glee. "It was hard finding someone my size. Poor kid probably never got a real burial. I think she was in Anbu."

The lines in Jiraiya's forehead deepened. "Minato grieved for you. I never understood why. You two were monsters."

Rin lurched forward, her Sharingan tomoes spinning. "We were what you made us: loyal to the village, dedicated to the mission, emotionless but with that little smile. It's been years since I've felt truly happy, but I'm still smiling. Always smiling, smiling. When Obito smiled at you it was _real_. Because Obito wasn't a good little Konoha ninja, but Obito was a GOOD BOY."

Jiraiya's voice was flat. "You cut out his eyes and left him for dead."

"I put him under first. He didn't suffer. Besides, you have no room to talk. You know what Konoha was like back then. You left, too." Rin's Sharingan flickered off.

"Woah. Wait"—Kakashi stepped towards her—"How did you do that?"

Rin's eyes, both brown but slightly different shades, widened slightly. "Do what?"

"Turn the Sharingan off and back on again. This has been bothering me for years." Kakashi adjusted his headband.

"You just…" Rin shook her head, her smile grim, and walked away from him, towards the staircase. "It's so easy to forget, when I look at you, that he isn't in there anymore."

Kakashi had returned to his book, offering an absentminded, "Who?"

Rin sat on the bottom step of the grand staircase, watching Kakashi with dark eyes. "There's no substance to you, nothing underneath. T&I erased all of it. You just stand there, hiding behind that smutty little romance novel, when I know for a fact you can't read."

"I can read," Kakashi said.

"Really?"—Rin cocked her head—"Then why is Ka-ka-shi's book upside-down?"

Kakashi casually flipped the book.

Rin smirked. "I was lying. It was right the first time."

Kakashi flipped it again.

"I was lying the second time."

Flip.

Rin tapped her forehead thoughtfully. "Or maybe it was the other way around."

Flip.

Her voice was threaded with laughter. "Why are you still listening to me?"

Kakashi kept flipping the book until he eventually realized that he could orient himself by the picture on the front cover.

It occurred to me that _Kakashi _was the consequence of committing treason. That struck me as disappointingly mundane when compared to some of my wilder theories.

"You're an insult to both their memories…" Rin stood, and a chakra blade hardened over her left hand. "…Why haven't I killed you yet?"

"I still get the heads," Kakuzu said.

"Done." Rin stepped towards us.

The doors burst open, and Kisame barreled in. "Don't freak out, but I might have lost Itachi…Rin?"

Rin awkwardly shoved the hand with a chakra blade behind her body. "Kisame."

"Rin, what are you...?"—Kisame's gaze darted across the room—"Rin, where is your buddy?"

Rin glanced up the stairs. "She was hiding in the green guest room not _too _long ago."

"Itachi is loose, so everybody needs to be arm in arm with their buddy," Kisame said. "You, too, Deidara."

Deidara shot towards the stairs. A moment later, he shouted, "They're not here, yeah."

Kakashi sidled toward the door, dragging Hinata with him. "We'll just be going."

"This is your fault," Deidara snapped.

Kisame clapped his hands. "Alright. Forget what I said before. If you need to panic, please do so."

Deidara yanked at his hair. Hidan dug his scythe into the floral wallpaper. Rin slid her mask on and slammed her head against the railing. Kakuzu did nothing.

Rin then straightened. "Tobi knows that this looks really, really bad. But Itachi-chan hasn't done anything big yet, which means we have time."

We heard a distant shout, and I immediately knew the voice. "THE JUUBI AWAKENS!"

"Shit," Hidan said.

"Well, I guess we know what happened to Tobi's buddy." Rin threw her mask hard against the ground, her lips curled in a sneer.

"We would be wise to assume that all three demons are loose," Sasori said.

Kisame drew his sword. "Well, this is quite a bit worse than last time. Still, with a positive attitude—"

I raised an eyebrow. "This has happened before."

Kisame lightly trailed the sword across the tile floor, his eyes on the blade as he said, "To be fair, I don't believe he sleeps. You would assume that he would, but I have never seen it."

Sleeping more than strictly necessary means that you'll never be a good ninja. At least, that's what my father always used to say.

Rin strode towards the door, pausing briefly to grab her mask from the floor. "Sasori, get the Hashirama puppet. We'll be fighting Itachi. The rest of you are on demon duty."

Kakashi raised his hand, which was holding a kunai. "That doesn't seem very equal."

Rin glared at him. "I know. I'm_ jealous_."

* * *

**Naruto POV**

Sometimes, Naruto had trouble remembering what it was like to be in only one place at a time. It was probably really frustrating.

Still, he was proud of all the pranks he'd pulled when it was just him. Painting the Hokage Mountain would have been _way_ too easy with 20 or 30 people. Instead, he'd learnedx to be super sneaky.

Naruto was still sneaky, he thought as he snuck behind Tobi.

Itachi stood on top of a shed by an overgrown garden. The Uchiha's ranting got louder as Tobi raced towards him.

Itachi's voice was gravellier than the last time Naruto had heard him. "As the jinchuriki of the jyuubi, I am now as powerful as the Sage of the Six Paths. With that power, my plan to create eternal peace will soon be realized."

Naruto wondered, if Itachi wanted that, why he didn't just move back to Konoha.

Tobi took a deep breath, muttering, "Tobi will regret this."

Tobi straightened his back and deepened his voice. "Itachi Uchiha of the Leaf. I had wondered if you would come."

Itachi crossed his arms, his voice normal but angry. "Of course I came, Madara. I've been fighting you for years."

"Fighting is not the same as sabotaging"—Tobi held out a hand—"but why should we do either? We are family. Both geniuses of the Uchiha Clan."

Itachi leapt down from the shed. "You murdered the Uchiha Clan."

Tobi stepped back, crushing a flower. "I did? I…did! And I would do it again."

Naruto was hiding behind the rose bushes, careful not to touch the thorns. He could henge himself into the flowers or rocks or bushes, but what if the fight moved somewhere else? It would be easier if he was Tobi's mask or something.

Tobi coughed. Maybe the voice hurt his throat, or maybe Madara was supposed to be a smoker. "You understand why I did that."

Itachi was in Tobi's face in a second, his sword meeting Tobi's chakra blades. "I could never understand."

Tobi peered at him through the weapons. "I see. I did it because they turned against me first?"

Itachi snarled, swinging at Tobi. "You're insane."

Tobi ducked, somersaulting away and crashing against the rose bushes. "You attack my character because my argument is flawless."

"…Hn." Itachi threw his sword at Tobi.

Naruto crept a little closer, an idea forming.

Tobi staggered out of the weapon's way and flung his arms towards the sky, which was orange and pink with the sunset. "The moon will rise soon, Itachi. You're running out of time."

This reminded Naruto of the shounen manga he used to read when he was in the Academy, except the plot was a lot more believable because it was based on real events.

Tobi turned and pointed towards Naruto's bush. "But wait, who are you?"

Naruto gave a sheepish grin, ready to stand, when Sasori crouched beside him and said without any enthusiasm, "It is I, Hashirama, the First Hokage. I have awoken from the dead to defeat you, as I swore I would."

Tobi gasped, hands flying to his mask. "Just as the prophecy foretold."

A man-sized, wooden puppet glided past the rose bushes and toward the two fighting ninja. He looked a lot like the face on the Hokage Mountain, but not so much like the real First Hokage. "I am currently wearing my special armor that hugs my skin. You cannot destroy it, for it is made of an impenetrable substance: Wood."

"Nooooo," Tobi cried.

The puppet raised a creaky hand. "Fight alongside me, Itachi Uchiha, for I am righteous."

Itachi's wide smile got wider, and he moved to retrieve his sword.

* * *

The twelve of us—Akatsuki, Konoha ninja, and whatever Kabuto was—huddled thirty feet from the targets as we planned our attack.

Hidan smacked the butt of his scythe into the mud, leaning against it as he glared at the demons. "Well, this is a fucking let down."

"Aren't they supposed to be made of hate? They seem pretty relaxed, yeah," Deidara said.

The Six-tailed Slug rolled in the mud, coating its moist, white skin. The Seven-tailed Beetle circled the sky several feet above it, occasionally darting down to nibble at the goo dripping from the slug's mouth. The One-tailed Tanuki appeared to be napping.

"It could be a trap," I said.

"Maybe it is," Kisame mumbled, "or maybe _we_ are the real monsters for imprisoning them."

That didn't really apply to us because Konoha had vanquished our demon, rather than sealing it in a child. This gave us the moral high ground.

Sakura flipped up her mask. "The Nine-tailed Fox killed a third of Konoha's ninja…or 72%, depending on if you count all those 'emergency ninja' conscripted from the civilian population."

"It liked to eat the corpses"—Jiraiya shuddered—"also the living."

Kisame squinted his beady eyes. "Well, maybe the Fox_ is_ made up of irrational hatred. That could be where the stereotype comes from."

Kakashi said, "Where are we going to get three babies on such short notice?"

Kabuto pulled out his cards, shuffling them casually. "I could—"

Deidara said, "No kids."

Jiraiya, now sitting cross-legged, rummaged through his bag. "We can seal them in some sort of container. It'll take half an hour to prepare each one."

Kisame plunked himself down beside Jiraiya. "I would offer to help, but I don't know anything about seals. That was always Rin's hobby."

Kakuzu stood. "I'll get the pots."

"Way ahead of you." The incoming Naruto's arms were stacked with misshapen, sloppily painted pots.

Deidara plucked a tiny, clay bird from his pocket. He flicked it in the air, and it exploded. "I know that art is subjective, but…"

Hidan gestured with his scythe. "I think they're intentionally shitty. Tobi's been a crossdresser this whole fucking time. What else is she hiding?"

Inner Sakura got our attention with a wave of killer intent. "We do need a plan, preferably _before _the demons wander off."

"Jiraiya makes a seal, and we put them in the pot." Kakashi stepped away from the increasingly heated conversation with his book in hand.

She huffed. "Yeah, but we still have to get them in the pot. How do we do that without a rampage?"

Hinata tried to loosen her puppet's grasp on her shoulders. "Should we, um, negotiate with them?"

Sakura watched the slug, now blowing snot-like bubbles. "I don't think they're that smart."

"That means we can get a better deal," Jiraiya said, inking the seal's outer circle onto the pot.

Naruto raised his hand. "Distract them with food."

"Just because that would work on you doesn't mean it's a good idea," Sakura said. Her black-and-white doppelganger elbowed her, releasing killer intent.

Jiraiya began to fill in some of the seal's finer details. "We know they eat people."

"Good. Then we don't need to buy food," Kakuzu said.

Sakura growled, unsheathing her sword. "We're not feeding each other to the demons."

"That would be metal as fuck, though," Hidan said.

"Just one actual, workable idea!" Sakura shouted.

A shriek pierced the air as the One-tailed Tanuki awoke from its slumber. Kakashi, who had been perched on its back with a kunai in hand, waved at us.

The two Narutos burst into laughter.

"Kakashi, you idiot!" the Sakuras yelled.

"Well that was real stupid," Hinata's puppet called from over its wielder's shoulder.

Hinata stroked its black hair. "Please don't be rude."

It occurred to me that I was the normal one on this team. I never would have expected that, during my Academy days.

The beast shook Kakashi off, and he landed a dozen feet ahead of us. "I figured we should try to get the jump on them. I think we can tire them out."

Kabuto flicked a card at Kakashi, who caught it. "They're made of unlimited energy."

Kakashi shrugged. "People used to say the same thing about me. Maybe they're past their prime, too."

The One-tails charged, and we scattered. It followed Kakashi, who was humming a tune to himself as he sprinted.

The other demons were agitated.

The Narutos multiplied, charging the Slug. It vomited out a wave of goo, and they were stuck in it. They shouted challenges at the demon as they flailed. A new Naruto tried to attack it with some sort of wind jutsu but was slapped out of the way.

Hidan raced forward, slashing at the Beetle with his scythe. Deidara and Kakuzu trailed behind, each preparing a jutsu.

"I want to die in glorious battle!" Inner Sakura cried as she charged the Tanuki. She was crushed by a flap of its tail.

"Okay, I actually _can _die, so I'll stay and guard Jiraiya," Sakura said.

Kabuto rubbed the back of his head, laughing nervously. "I'm really not qualified for this. I can help patch up anyone who's injured, though. Minorly injured. After all, I'm still only a genin."

I cleared my throat quietly, feeling embarrassed at my potentially perceived cowardice. "I need to save chakra so I can use my Sharingan to trap the demons later."

Kisame beamed up at us from his seat beside Jiraiya. His sharp teeth gleamed. "I just like the company."

Hinata crept closer to the Narutos, and I spotted her puppet crawling on the slug's back. It stabbed into the soft skin with a poisoned kunai. The slug began to thrash, collapsing on top of all the Narutos. When a new batch didn't immediately appear, I became slightly concerned.

I tried to distract myself with idle conversation. "Do you think Naruto's dead?"

Sakura snorted. "I don't even think he's in Rain right now."

Loud explosions rocked the sky as Deidara flew around the Beetle atop his clay bird. Kakuzu spat a small fireball at the Beetle. It missed, then hit the ground below, suddenly spreading across the marshy ground. Hidan scrambled away from the fire, cursing at Kakuzu.

The Slug swallowed Hinata's puppet. She stood there as the demon slithered towards her. Chakra strings still shimmered in the air between them. I knew that she really liked that puppet, but now wasn't the time to worry about lost weapons. I shouted, "Move, Hinata!"

Hinata slashed her arm to the side, and the Slug slammed against the ground. She then turned to me. "S-sorry? What did you just say?"

A team of Anbu descended on the fallen demon. Their captain called, "We definitely would have helped earlier, but we haven't been here for much time at all. It's not like we've been watching you or anything."

In the distance, Kakashi took off his headband, whipped his head around to make eye contact with his own demonic attacker, and stepped to the side as the rampaging Tanuki continued forward.

Kakashi shouted at us, "I think I'm going to lead him towards Stone."

Deidara swooped down to avoid the Beetle's bite. "Do it!"

"Why?" Sakura shouted back.

Kakashi shunshined beside us. "Because they think they're better than us."

"We can't send it away," Kabuto said. "I mean, we have to seal it."

Kakashi leaned forward, peering into Kabuto's left eye, then his right. "Do we?"

Kabuto took a step back. "Yes?"

Kakashi's eye sparkled. "Are you sure?"

Kabuto took another step back, pushing up his glasses. "I don't even know what we were talking about."

Our sensei blinked and tilted his head to the side. "We were talking?"

"Sensei, just bring the demon closer," Sakura snapped.

The Tanuki turned sharply towards our group.

Sakura paled. "Not that close."

"Done," Jiraiya said, setting the finished container to the side.

I picked up the pot in one hand and its wobbly lid in the other. I strode toward the Tanuki. "Demon, I shall defeat you, for I am a wielder of the MOKUTON."

Our eyes met, trees burst from the ground, and the demon screamed.

* * *

I didn't feel bad about leaving everyone else to face the Slug demon without me. They would probably be fine. Nobody had been killed when I left, aside from Hidan, who hadn't stayed dead, and a few members of the Anbu team.

Yes, we needed to defeat the released demons, yet I had a much more pressing need: My vengeance.

Itachi was completely unhinged, but that didn't make him any less dangerous or any less culpable in the deaths of my clan. It was my duty to kill him or to die trying.

There was a small shrine a few dozen feet from the mansion. It was bordered by a pond with a mermaid statue at its center, and I could trace lines of careful landscaping beneath the overgrown grasses. Itachi stood at the point of the shrine's rooftop, watching a retreating Tobi with fondness coloring his smile. He shook hands with a puppet wearing a black wig.

I had observed this through a window in the mansion's kitchen. I flung open the door, stepped outside, and called, "Itachi."

Itachi's Sharingan met mine. "Foolish little brother."

"Foolish? You were just shaking hands with a puppet."

Itachi merely raised an eyebrow as the Hashirama puppet skittered down the shrine and into the shrubbery. I felt utterly dismissed, as if I was a stupid child again. I forced the feeling away. I was a grown man, almost fourteen. I couldn't be distracted by childish bickering.

"You killed my clan," I said.

Itachi's emotionless voice landed like a kunai in a post. "Yes, and I would do it again."

"You monster," I growled, stepping closer to him.

"There are no monsters, merely those with clarity and those too clouded by emotion to ever truly succeed."

"You are insane." I raced towards him, a lightning-infused shuriken in my hand. He jumped down from the rooftop and met me blow for blow, ultimately sending the shuriken flying into the nearby woods.

"You attack my character because my argument is flawless."

We lost ourselves in genjutsu for a long time. Clone after clone turned into crows, lightning bolts thundered from the sky, and dragons made of fire ravaged each other. It would have been a glorious battle, if anyone outside of our fight could see it. Sometimes, we would attack outside of the illusion, sudden kicks or slashes of kunai.

It was a flashy, impressive fight, and I was losing.

Itachi anticipated my every move. He seemed to know my plans before I had fully formed them. It was becoming increasingly clear to me that, while I didn't have access to Itachi's vision, he could still see through my eyes. He had been using the Sharingan for over a decade, and he was used to fighting other Sharingan users. It only made sense that he had picked up a few tricks along the way.

I still had a chance, however. The Sharingan's power encouraged trickery over physical ability. That was why Kakashi was one of the most feared shinobi of Konoha despite never training. It was why my entire clan had been slaughtered by one young jounin.

Despite having the Sharingan, I had continued to train. I didn't have family or friends or hobbies. I had no likes or dislikes. I had one singular purpose, and I had pushed myself in all of the ninja arts in order to achieve my goal.

Itachi was a genius. But if he had allowed himself to get lazy, perhaps I could defeat him with the results of my hard work. My evil older brother would win any genjutsu battle. The only way for _me_ to win was to change the game.

Fuck it, I thought. "Kai."

Itachi paused for a moment, which gave me the opportunity to land a punch. He jumped back and threw down smoke bombs. "Two can play at that game."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that, so I did what I always did: Bluffed.

"Ah, I see my new jutsu is working."

"An interesting technique, but a true ninja doesn't need his eyes," Itachi said.

I hadn't done anything to Itachi's vision…except remove my own. A strange thought entered my mind, and I wetted my lips. "I see that my jutsu worked then. It made you blind."

I crouched down as Itachi's laughter betrayed his location—to my left and a little above, then jumping down at me. I rolled away. I continued to dodge his attacks and jutsu, suspecting that several of his announced attacks were lies meant to confuse me, until I reached the edge of the pond.

"Fire Release: Phoenix Sage Fire Technique," Itachi shouted. You usually don't have to shout out your attacks, unless it's the first time you're doing the technique or you're a showoff. No one else was watching, so I guess he was doing it for my benefit.

I dove into the pond as a volley of small fireballs ricocheted above me and sizzled out in the water. At the center of the pond, about twelve feet in, I climbed onto the statue of a woman with a fish's head…or possibly a fish with a woman's body. My legs wrapped around its marble waist, I reached down towards the water and released a surge of elemental chakra.

Unlike me, Itachi could walk on water. If he tried, though, he would be fried by the electrified pond.

The smoke had begun to clear, and Itachi stood at the edge of the pond, his head tilted thoughtfully. He dropped a strand of his long hair into the pond, listening to the sizzle, acknowledging the smell of burning with a slight sniff. He took a deep breath, blowing a grand fireball that didn't quite reach me.

Itachi stalked along the edge of the pond. "You can't stay there forever, little brother."

"I disagree." I flung a shuriken at him.

Itachi took a step backwards and leaned to the side, the shuriken just missing the volume of his cloak.

I threw a kunai next.

Itachi didn't even bother to dodge, and it sailed past his shoulder with plenty of room. "There is something fundamentally wrong with your attempt at kunai throwing. It's as if you tried to mimic a much more advanced technique, without first understanding the fundamental concepts."

I growled and threw several more kunai at him.

"There's too much flick in your wrist. It should be steadier, with more of the motion at your elbow."

I launched a kunai at his face.

Itachi plucked it out of the air by his ear, smirking. "Hn."

Then, he started using my own weapons against me, and he had much better aim. As I scrambled around the statue, I deactivated the electricity below. Itachi drew his sword and raced atop the water. I knew that I could not swim faster than he could run.

Taking inspiration from Naruto, I decided on a plan that was so incredibly stupid that it was completely unpredictable. I jumped off the statue and used Itachi's head as a stepping stone.

I landed in the mud, scrambling towards the shrine and slamming the door behind me. I barely had time to take in my surroundings—ten feet by fifteen, bamboo walls, statues, paper lanterns, dead flowers in front of a photo of a young man, several vases spider webbed with gold—before Itachi was inside.

I jumped over a two-sided drum by the doorway, which Itachi shoved out of his way.

Then, I looked him in the eyes. I darted my gaze to my kunai pouch, reaching with my right hand for the blade, then slammed Itachi in the arm with one of the vases. It shattered, drawing the first blood of our fight—mine and his.

I continued to use misdirection as we weaved through the shrine. My eyes were no longer betraying my movements, but instead distracting my opponent. After the first few successes, however, Itachi caught on. He was still predicting my decisions with more accuracy than I had expected. As Itachi's kick slammed into my right leg and sent me crashing against the floor, I came to a sickening conclusion.

Itachi was using his most unforgivable advantage against me. He knew me too well. He was my brother.

Itachi raised his sword. My leg was broken. His swirling eyes lulled me as I tried to crawl away. I had failed. I would never avenge my clan. But I felt oddly at peace, as if a grave mistake was now being righted.

Then, the sword exploded, eviscerating Itachi's upper body.

With incredible slowness, I wiped his blood out of my eyes. Itachi's body crumpled next to me, but all of his recognizable features had burst apart and taken up residence on the walls, on the statues, and on my clothing.

I raised my hands and softly said, "Kai."

Nothing changed.

At that moment, one of the statues turned into Naruto, who cried, "We did it!"

"W-what?" I said, tasting Itachi's blood on my lips.

Naruto threw his fist into the air. "You distracted him, and I blew him up."

"What?!" I was starting to return to my senses.

Naruto winked. "I was the sword the whole time."

I tried to stand, but was unable, a fire slowly licking to life in my chest. "You _killed _my evil, older brother."

"Yup, good thing I was there 'cause you weren't doing very well." Naruto then crushed me in a victory hug, pinning my arms so that I couldn't strangle him.

As I stood there on one leg, limp in Naruto's arms with my eyes on my traitorous brother's mangled corpse, I realized that strangling Naruto would be wrong. After all, Naruto had stolen my dream. The only way to avenge my vengeance would be to steal his.

In that moment, I decided to become the next Hokage of Konoha.

Out of spite.

* * *

**A/N: Just the epilogue and a hunk of omakes left to go. It's been a double plus good ride, y'all, but it's almost time to blink the brainwashing out of your eyes.**


	28. Epilogue: The Hokage Interviews

**Epilogue: The Hokage Interviews**

Orochimaru watched me with his serpentine eyes narrowed. "That was a very long and incredibly detailed story, but I feel like it left me even more confused than when I first asked my question. I would like to ask it again—and this time, please keep your answer to a sentence or two. Why _precisely_ do you want to be Hokage?"

"Vengeance," I said.

"Right. Yes. So, everything you've been doing since your brother's death—all of your promotions, your leadership roles, your heroism in the last shinobi war—is all because of…"

"Vengeance."

"What about that time you sacrificed yourself heroically, only surviving due to chance?"

"Vengeance."

Orochimaru made a small, strangled noise deep in his throat. "You have been nursing this grudge for twelve years."

"Hn."

"I do appreciate that sort of dedication," Orochimaru muttered. "I also noticed, during this story, that you repeatedly mentioned times that you thought about treason, but then brushed those thoughts aside."

"You asked for honesty."

"Yes, I did, but I didn't expect it."

Orochimaru tugged thoughtfully at his chin-length hair. He looked out the window, his eyes fixed on the second Third Hokage's face on the Hokage Mountain. "I'll admit…it isn't the worst reason I've heard today."

* * *

"It took me weeks before I got all of the skin out from under my fingernails. I could barely see through the blood. But at least most of it wasn't mine this time…And that's the day I knew that I wanted to be the Hokage."

Orochimaru fought down his nausea. "What I gather from this story is that you have a stunning will to survive and an incredible fondness for blood. In some ways, you remind me of me."

Ibiki Morino watched him, silent.

Orochimaru suddenly realized that, for the past ten minutes, Ibiki had not blinked. Or, if he had, he had precisely timed them to occur during Orochimaru's blinks. He licked his lips nervously. "I'm not sure this position _needs_ another me."

* * *

Orochimaru circled Naruto, surveying the man and the Hokage office—certain that it was peppered with the shinobi's clones. Naruto was his own spy network, which only occasionally reported to the Hokage. In this meeting, Orochimaru didn't need to ask the usual questions. The Uzumaki boy had made his motivation clear enough over the years and had loudly, repeatedly announced his qualifications for the position.

Orochimaru had brought him in for only one reason.

"Naruto," Orochimaru said at last. "Your most positive quality in terms of this position is that you genuinely love this village."

Naruto grinned. "You bet I do."

"Unfortunately, that raises one follow-up question"—Orochimaru peered at him—"_Why_?"

Naruto spoke with absolute confidence. "Because I'm a loyal Konoha ninja!"

* * *

"You wanted to see me?" Tsunade strode into the room, sitting at her desk beside Orochimaru's.

"Yes, this is your interview for the Hokage position.

Tsunade snorted. Then, her voice warm with amusement, said, "Really?"

Orochimaru waved a hand. "A few of the upper echelon were insistent about it. This is obviously a formality."

"Of course it is"—Tsunade rested her feet on her desk—"I _am _the Hokage."

Orochimaru stuck his long tongue out at her. After it slowly furled back down his throat, he said, "That's a hurtful thing to say."

"You wouldn't have lasted twenty minutes in this position without me."

"I resent that implication."

Tsunade leaned forward to inspect some paperwork on her desk. "I went on vacation for one week, and you started a shinobi war."

Orochimaru huffed, refusing to look at her. "I don't know why you constantly feel this need to play the blame game. A lot of people started that war."

"Uh-huh. If I left, I can picture you: On the floor, missing at least two limbs, and crying, 'I created you. Why are you trying to eat me?'" Tsunade tossed the paperwork at him.

Orochimaru caught it and immediately signed it, noting that it had something to do with sanitation budgets. "That only happened one time."

"And I had to save you."

"Yes, well, arguably…"

Tsunade chuckled. "So how's this interview going?"

Orochimaru pursed his lips. "Hm. You're just too good. I may have to hire you, after all."

"I don't accept."

"Blast."

* * *

"I know that I haven't passed the Chuunin Exams yet"—Kabuto shuffled his cards, eyes fixed on their movement—"but I think this is my year."

Orochimaru sighed. "You do know you're a jounin, right?"

* * *

"After Hinata singlehandedly won us the last shinobi war, she introduced puppetry into the Hyuuga clan style, which was my idea. I invented it. I thought of it. I saw it coming. And I have a lot of ideas, for all the clans. But they aren't going to listen until I'm bigger than they are. Also, I've noticed that it's been twenty years since my last promotion. Why is that?" Kakashi peered quizzically at Orochimaru.

Orochimaru leaned against his desk, resting his chin in his hands, and watched one of his most eccentric ninja ramble on. "Well, there's only one Hokage."

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "That's something else I might want to change."

"I appreciate how you're thinking critically about the village."

Kakashi stroked his mask. "Now, I'm not really sure how this works. I didn't do any research before applying. Based on my previous observations, I'm assuming that we must fight to the death."

Orochimaru dodged as Kakashi lunged for the Hokage's desk with a growing chidori on his right hand.

* * *

The Anbu had replaced all the damaged furniture, shoved plants in front of the worst dents in the wall, and successfully fought off Kakashi. While Orochimaru was still a touch shaken, perhaps this had been for the best. At least all of the Naruto clones eavesdropping in the Hokage's office had been dispelled. Well, hopefully that had been all of them.

"I like your haircut, Hokage-sama," Sakura said as she and her duplicate stood in front of the newly-replaced Hokage desk.

"My…?" Orochimaru patted his now shoulder-length hair, then hissed with displeasure. "Yes, thank you. I needed a change."

Inner Sakura was slightly taller and more buxom than her counterpart, with snow-colored skin and black hair. She gestured toward the frayed, slightly crisped edges of Orochimaru's ruined hair. "Did you burn it off?"

Orochimaru tucked a lock behind his ear. "As much as I am usually happy to talk about my styling decisions, I have a very busy schedule today. I've brought you here as part of my search for a successor."

Sakura flushed and clasped her hands. "Oh, I appreciate the thought, really, but I have a lot of responsibilities with my sons and my clan, and Naruto would _never _let it go if I accepted, so…"

Inner Sakura stepped forward, pushing Sakura back. "I'll be Hokage."

"Inner!" Sakura squawked.

"Screw you. I crave power."

"This isn't an offer," Orochimaru interjected. "Or even an interview."

"Why not?" Inner Sakura spiked killer intent.

Sakura elbowed her.

"Mostly the reasons you listed. How are your sons, by the way?"

Sakura's smile widened. "Takada is boisterous, always getting into something. Inner Takada is shy, but he's learning to express himself and not just hide behind his brother."

"Lovely." Orochimaru made a mental note to look further into the new Yamanaka bloodline sprouting beneath his nose. "And your husband?"

"Is a perfectly ordinary flower salesman," the women said in unison, "and there's nothing suspicious about that."

"He's also a retired ninja with several honors," Inner Sakura added, "which is weird 'cause I don't remember him serving in the war."

"What…Oh, right. Owl," Orochimaru muttered.

"Would it be alright to ask why we've been summoned?" Sakura said.

"Several of the people I've spoken to today have put you down as a reference—most notably the members of your former genin team."

Inner Sakura clapped her hands. "Ooh. Big mistake."

Sakura's ever-present smile twitched with suppressed laughter. "I recommend none of them. Frankly, I would be terrified if Kakashi, Naruto, or Sasuke ended up in any real position of power."

"Honestly?" Orochimaru said. "Me too."

Sakura did laugh then.

"Who else put us down?" Inner Sakura asked.

"Hinata Hyuuga," Orochimaru said.

A trace of disbelief colored Sakura's tone. "Hinata?"

Inner Sakura twisted her lips. "No, wait, that makes sense. Kind of. She did basically win us the war with that whole 'puppet master of demons' thing. And she's the head of the Hyuuga now, since her dad died."

"The Hyuuga are terrified of her. That could be the _entire village_," Sakura said.

"She's a total sweetheart," Inner Sakura said.

"Yes, because she's our friend. But have you ever thought about what it would be like if she _weren't _our friend?"

As their argument escalated and killer intent thickened the air, Orochimaru leaned back in his chair and smiled.

* * *

"Don't shame your ancestors," the gruff voice of Hiashi Hyuuga said.

"And you should smile, but don't be creepy about it," a high-pitched voice added.

Hinata entered the Hokage's office, trailed by two puppets. She was smiling the insincere, slightly manic sort of smile that was so common in Konoha, yet always set Orochimaru on edge.

"Hokage-sama," she said, bowing. The puppets bowed in unison.

"Hinata, what a pleasure to see you," Orochimaru said. "You're here about the Hokage position, of course."

"Of course," the Hiashi puppet said. "It is time for a Hyuuga hokage."

A chakra string darted out of Hinata's pinkie and attached to Hiashi's jaw. His teeth snapped shut.

Orochimaru licked his lips with his serpentine tongue. "I'll begin with the question that I've been asking all of today's applicants: Why do _you _want to become the next Hokage of Konoha?"

"Well, my father was very insistent about it, and yes, I know he's just a puppet now. But I value his opinion."

Orochimaru walked to the window, watching people bustle through the streets below. "A lot of people are puppets, if you think about it."

Hinata began to play with her chakra strings, Hiashi's ball-jointed fingers curling and uncurling at her will. "I suppose so, yes. Most aren't actually dead, though."

"That's another philosophical question," Orochimaru said.

"Anyway, my father's opinion is the main reason why I'm here. I don't really think you would choose me, of course."

Orochimaru turned away from the window. "You're my front-runner."

"I'm what?" Hinata squeaked.

"Our day has come," Hiashi said.

An Anbu in the corner peeled back his mask to reveal Naruto, which was incredibly concerning because Naruto wasn't in Anbu, and not in the "no one is in Anbu" way that most Anbu members weren't in Anbu.

Naruto said, "What about me?!"

The jinchuriki suddenly froze, connected to Hinata with shimmering chakra strings. She spoke with a slight quaver to her voice. "Naruto, you are committing treason right now. In at least three ways. M-maybe more. I think of you as a friend, which is why I have to insist that you leave."

The small puppet crawled up Hinata's arm to murmur in her ear. "Yeah, you tell him. Don't let the brat steal your chance at power."

Hinata closed her eyes, sighed deeply, and then snapped them open. "Okay, all three of you. Out."

Naruto and the two puppets stiffly exited the office through the front door.

Hinata folded her hands together, chakra strings crisscrossing each other. "Um, Naruto is probably still here. Just so you know."

Orochimaru waved away her concerns. "I've honestly given up on flushing him out. Let's return to your candidacy."

"I really don't feel qualified."

"You've been recommended by several of the other applicants, most of them unintentionally. You can puppet people, you can control demons, _and _you can see through walls. Contrary to popular belief, most Hokages can only do those things in a metaphorical sense."

Hinata began fiddling with her fingers. A sudden crash occurred outside and a startled yell rose from the chuunin on desk duty. What was she ordering the puppets to _do_?

She peered at him. "I'm not sure I would be a very good Hokage."

"You've done just fine with the Hyuuga clan. Very iron-fisted. I approve. Besides, that you're worrying about it at all is a good sign." Orochimaru slipped back into his chair.

Hinata gulped, her fingers now clenched white. "I don't want to be Hokage, sir."

"Neither did the Fourth, and he did great"—Orochimaru spun around in his chair—"It may also bring you comfort to know that I do not plan to die."

Orochimaru paused for a moment, lost in thought and slightly dizzy. He spoke slowly. "Allow me to rephrase that. My predecessor did not plan to die. I am actively planning _not _to die."

Hinata nodded. "Right, yes, I've heard you're immortal."

"I am, and I'm never retiring. On the off-chance I possibly am not immortal, however, there's you."

Hinata stepped closer to the desk, her shy smile genuine. "In that case, I hope you live forever."

Orochimaru leaned forward to grab her hands, beaming. "Me too!"


	29. Omakes!

**A/N: Aaaaand here's some omakes. Just a reminder that these are non-canon to the fic at large. Thanks for coming along for the ride, everyone!**

* * *

**Shhhhh (Just Ride the Wave)**

Kakashi patted Inari on the head. "Ah. I see what your problem is. You've been equating winning with good or evil, but it's not about that at all. It's about power."

"Power?"

"Yup," Kakashi said. He leaned down and set his hand against the weathered floorboards. "See, you're way down here."

He raised his hand an inch. "Here's Gatou…and…"

The jounin rose to his full height, measuring himself with a gloved hand. "I'm about this tall. From here, I can look down on all of you and steal your stuff. Like this hat. I've taken your hat."

Inari peered up at Kakashi, noting with surprise that the ninja was indeed holding his wide, striped hat.

"When did you—"

"That doesn't matter. It's mine now. But I'm giving it back. It looks better on you. In fact, I'm ordering you to wear it."

Inari caught the hat, hastily putting it on. "But, how do_ I_ get power?"

"Well, it's too late for you to become a ninja," Kakashi muttered. "I guess you would have to do the next best thing and pick up a profession. You could be a chef. Except, no, I get the impression people around here don't like food."

"Actually—"

"Shh," Kakashi said.

Inari immediately quieted, worried that he would set off another four-hour shushing session.

"Maybe you could be a bridge-builder. Then, you get lots of money and you hire people like me. We work for money instead of just stealing our way through life because…"

Kakashi scratched his head. "…You know, I've never really been clear on that. I do it because the scarier ninja tells me to. I guess that's just life."

* * *

**Suggestions Welcome**

The proctor coughed. "Before we start the match, Sakura's sensei has insisted that I tell you that her nickname is 'The Demon of the Mist.' If that doesn't catch on, other suggestions include: Heart-Stopper Sakura, Sakura of the Mist, Sharingan Sakura…"

* * *

**Kids These Days**

"I am Orochimaru," the snake man said.

After a few moments, he scowled, like we were supposed to know who he was. "Orochimaru? Konoha's greatest enemy?"

We continued staring at him.

Orochimaru's voice came out strained. "Konoha's greatest traitor?"

That was ridiculous. Nobody had ever betrayed the village. It just didn't happen.

"The first Sannin?"

"Everybody knows there are only two Sannin," Sakura said.

Orochimaru said, "The mad scientist who revived the Mokuton?"

"Kurenai got that from her parents," Naruto said.

"Sarutobi's apprentice?" he tried.

"He never said he had one of those," Naruto said.

"Anko's sensei?"

"Who?" I said.

At this point, it was getting embarrassing, and Sakura sent him an apologetic smile and a spike of killer intent.

Orochimaru slumped, explaining, "I used to live here."

That made sense.

* * *

**Know Your Enemy**

"How can you tell them apart?" Sakura said, frowning at the crowd of Narutos.

I gestured towards one of the clones. "Just look at his eyes. The clones have eyes like an old ninja, like they know they're going to die and only hope to do so with dignity."

Sakura nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess I can see that."

I smirked. "The real Naruto only looks like that when Ichiraku's is out of beef ramen."

* * *

**This one's just for funsies**

Sasuke frowned at the idiot civilian who'd been hassling his teammate. He scowled and searched through his pack. His little smirk almost turned to a genuine smile as he found a flash of metal hiding under his change of clothes.

Sasuke whipped out the handcuffs and snapped them on the man's wrists. "You're under arrest."

Both the civilian and Naruto spoke in unison. "What?"

"As the last surviving member of the Uchiha clan, I'm technically a member of the military police," I said. "We generally deal with unlawful ninja-civilian interactions."

"I'm not going to listen to some kid," the man spat.

"If you have a problem with my actions, there are several avenues to file complaints through. You can speak to the Chief of Police: Itachi Uchiha, who is currently unavailable due to being a missing nin. Or his second-in-command: Me. You can leave suggestions and concerns with the desk receptionist: Me. You can also go above my head to the Oversight Committee, whose five members are all me. Finally, if you're concerned that the whole system is corrupt—a not unreasonable concern—you can go to our Ninja Liaison: Naruto."

While the civilian cursed and struggled, Naruto asked, "Huh? When did I get _that_ job?"

"Three minutes ago. You were hired by our Human Resources Manager."

Naruto's face scrunched up in confusion. "So, that's…"

"Also me."

* * *

**The Best Laid Plans of Utter Lunatics**

Gai grinned, sloshing his sake as his "eternal rival" arrived at the bar. "Good afternoon, Kakashi."

"Yo," Kakashi said.

For a time, the two of them quietly sat beside each other. Gai had downed three glasses by the time the grey-haired ninja finished his first drink.

Kakashi said, "I've had a pretty good day today. Naruto is exploding things. Sasuke turns off his Sharingan sometimes. And Sakura has a giant sword."

Kakashi had begun to wonder if the pink-haired kunoichi would ever find her own identity, a common problem in young ninja from civilian families. Often, such ninja latched onto their sensei, becoming shoddy imitations. There was only one way to prevent this. Konoha sensei always played up their eccentricities so that young ninja were _terrified_ of becoming like them.

When Sakura refused to wear a matching mask, Kakashi knew that he had succeeded.

"You think you'll lay off the crazy, then?" Gai asked.

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask. "Nah. How are things going with your protégé?"

Gai slumped against the bar, staring miserably into his empty glass. After a long silence, he muttered, "Eternal flames of youth."

"That bad, huh?"

Gai stood. "I should go. I have to run around Konoha fifty times on my hands."

Kakashi waved him away. He should probably get going soon. His little genin had been waiting for two hours, after all.

Maybe after one more round...

* * *

**The Power of Friendship**

As the explosive seals all went off at once and the Narutos scrambled away, Kakashi said, "This is going to be a lot like the bell test, except you can't win. Not even with friendship."

"What about—"

Kakashi raised a hand to silence him. "It doesn't matter how many of you there are."

Seven Narutos were destroyed with only three kunai.

"When you like yourself, that's not friendship. That's self-esteem."

Three more fell to a shuriken.

"Back when I was your age, I didn't understand the difference, either."

* * *

**Author's Musings: True Genius**

It may seem silly that Sasuke sees Naruto, our down-on-his-luck, hard-working hero, as a genius who gets everything handed to him. It's a complete role-reversal of their canon ass-busting loser/ genius dynamic. But this isn't just a symptom of PoL's comedic nature.

Sasuke (both in my AU and in canon) doesn't know Naruto like we do. He doesn't know that the villagers hate him or that he does work hard (if only in spurts). Sasuke doesn't hang out with Naruto. They don't have meaningful conversations.

As of his canonical betrayal, here's what Sasuke does know:

Naruto is an idiot. He skips class. He asks stupid questions. He failed the Genin Test three times. He couldn't solve a single problem during the First Exam of the Chuunin Exams. He showed neither talent nor teamwork during the Bell Test—remember, Sasuke is the one who fed Naruto.

Naruto gets everything handed to him. He wastes more chakra in one battle than Sasuke uses in a week. He's naturally charismatic and easily makes loyal friends who then give him stuff (especially in filler and movies). Naruto stands in front of the Hokage, makes demands, insults the guy, and gets exactly what he wants. When Naruto gets this sort of treatment, he brags.

But when Sasuke receives anything from anyone or succeeds due to his hard work? Suddenly it's unfair.

Sure, Naruto wants to be Hokage. He wants to be powerful and beloved, but he refuses to put in the work necessary for that to actually happen. This guy doesn't deserve to be Hokage. He doesn't even deserve to be a _ninja_.

Sasuke is the one who works hard. He trains. He's the top of his class. He's going to kill Itachi. Yet somehow, despite years of fanatical training, Sasuke can't even beat this _loser_, this lazy, rude, moronic dead-last.

Sasuke doesn't know about Naruto's chakra-effusive bloodline. He doesn't know about the demon that aids Naruto in stressful moments. He doesn't know that Naruto is training with a sannin, and, if he did, that would cement his decision to seek out snake-face.

Because there's only one thing that Sasuke knows for sure. Naruto is drastically improving. Sasuke isn't. If he can't keep up with Naruto, how can he catch up to Itachi?

P.S. Naruto then _killing _Itachi in this fic amplifies that resentment by ten thousand.

* * *

**From: BECAUSE I'M WAY TOO INTO FAKE MOVIE TRAILERS STUDIO**

**It's tough being a voice in somebody else's head**

*In Sakura's mindscape*

Inner: We should punch him right in his gorgeous face!

Sakura: Quiet, Inner.

Inner: Oh, come on, just one little—

Sakura: You can't just go around punching people.

**But Inner Sakura is about to find out**

Ino: So, your split personality has a crush on my cousin, eh?

*Sakura searches for the insult in that statement, only to realize that it's all true.*

Sakura: Yes.

*Ino slings her arm around Inner Sakura's shoulders*

Ino: Don't you worry, Aunty Ino's got you covered.

**That being your own being isn't all it's cracked up to be**

*Inner Sakura approaches Kenshin, nervously stroking her monstrosity of a sword*

Ino's Voiceover: You just need to lean in real close and say…

Inner: H-hey, cu…

*Inner trails off into indecipherable mumbling*

Kenshin: I didn't hear you there, but that isn't because I don't care about what you have to say.

Inner: I…um.

*Inner punches Kenshin, embedding him in a wall*

*Inner is curled up on Ino's bed, visibly emanating killer intent*

Sakura (patting her on the back): Okay, so he's probably going to hate you forever…

*Inner growls*

Ino: We can recover from this.

*Inner approaches Kenshin in a summer dress, her black hair in an elaborate twist*

Ino's Voiceover: He's not a ninja, like, at all, so you should soften your approach.

Inner: Hi.

Kenshin: Hi, Inner Sakura. You don't look deadly at all today. Where's regular Sakura?

*Inner's eye begins to twitch*

Ino (takes a deep breath): New lesson. Stop punching the guy you like.

**This Valentine's Day**

*Inner Sakura walking, teary-eyed, beside Sakura*

Inner: Sometimes, I wish I'd never left your head.

*Her killer intent knocks out a nearby civilian*

**Fall in love**

**with**

_**Inner Sakura**_

* * *

**Excuses, Excuses**

"You're late, sensei! And Naruto," Sakura shouted.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, I know. When I finally hunted Kakashi down this morning, he was walking the Inuzuka dogs. I tried to drag him away, but Kiba's mom found us. Then we were _both_ walking the dogs."

"Tsume is a very forceful woman," Kakashi said.

* * *

**Not Funny, Naruto**

"You can do this, Hinata," Naruto shouted at the collapsed girl. "Get back up and show him!"

This time, Naruto had taken his pranking too far. The Hyuuga girl would die if she kept fighting. I called down. "You cannot do this, Hinata. Stay down."

* * *

**A Brief Explanation of the Kyuubi Incident**

By Tobi

Tobi was visiting home so that he could congratulate his old sensei because sensei was having a baby. It was very exciting!

But things got a _little_ out of hand. Tobi is not assigning blame to any one person (like Minato-sensei or Sarutobi-sama or baby Naruto), nor is Tobi accepting blame. No blame here!

There were few witnesses and fewer survivors, but Tobi saw it all…with his Sharingan eyes.

* * *

**Fun Fact**

I script most of my dialogue by muttering to myself in the character's voice. That helps me to figure out what sounds most natural for a given character to say. I'm actually scripting this commentary in the same way. No one is in the house right now, except for the cat, who watches me with judgment. But the cat is always judging me, so that's okay.

In conclusion, if you ever see a woman with unkempt hair and ill-fitting clothing walking the streets and mumbling under her breath, go say hi! It's probably not me, but you'll make a new, equally creepy friend.

* * *

**Oh, not **_**again.**_

"I'm gonna be the Hokage one day, right old man?"

Sarutobi blinked at the boy who had just barreled through his office doorway, lip stuck out petulantly. The child shouldn't still be pouting at that age, but…well, Sarutobi was fond of the boy. He would correct it later, perhaps.

Naruto bounced in place in front of the desk. "Right? Right?"

Sarutobi would never be prepared for this conversation. He took a deep drag from his pipe. "Naruto, you are putting me in a very difficult position."

Naruto stopped bouncing, blue eyes crinkling. "Huh?"

"Under different circumstances, I would say something like 'Of course, with enough hard work, you too could become Hokage.' That would certainly be the _nice_ thing to say."

Sarutobi continued, "But children don't remember exact words. They just remember that _you_ said they would be Hokage, and maybe you did think they had potential. Maybe they were considered. But someone better came along, and that child is a very powerful adult now and suddenly OROCHIMARU."

Naruto said, "Who?"

Sarutobi watched the smoke drift from his pipe. "No one. I made him up. Go back to class, Naruto."

* * *

**Madara's Request**

Hashirama, you have stated on several occasions that we are _best friends._ You have also insisted that my protests don't count because I secretly agree with you. I do not know how you came to this conclusion. It is incorrect.

Nevertheless, as your supposed _best friend,_ I would like to make a request. I want a statue of myself to be erected by the Academy training grounds. I would like the base to be engraved with "You call that kunai throwing?" and it must look perpetually angry. I want to motivate the children, as my father motivated me when I was their age. I want them to forever try to impress me.

_Note: I know what you're thinking. Surely, the children of Konoha aren't so stupid as to think that a statue would become less angry if they trained hard enough. However, Madara was not so stupid as to think that his father would become less angry if he trained hard, and it still worked for him._

* * *

**Hn.**

Sasuke isn't very expressive.

Well, he is expressive for an Uchiha, a clan who mainly communicates through micro-expressions and tonal changes that are only visible to people as anal-retentive as the Uchiha.

From most people's perspective, however, Sasuke comes across as fairly neutral. Therefore, people's impression of Sasuke's personality is heavily influenced by their own biases.

According to Sakura, Sasuke is super cool and dismissive of Naruto.

According to Naruto, Sasuke is a jerk and dismissive of Naruto. Later, Naruto assumes that Sasuke is fighting Neji because he feels bad for Hinata because that's what Naruto would have done.

This assumption leads to Hinata's growing admiration for Sasuke. She _had _assumed that he was a jerk, but now she's realized (erroneously) that's he's quite valiant, but shy.

Kakashi, meanwhile, is fairly certain he's never met this "Sasuke Uchiha" character. He would surely remember such a meeting. Why are you asking?

* * *

**Let's talk shipping**

A lot of people have been saying that I ship Sasuke/Hinata. That isn't exactly true. Mainly, I think that Sasuke and Hinata are both incredibly bad at communicating, which leads to sitcom-esque situations where no one has any idea what the other's motives are.

The only true ship of this fic is Sakura/OC. That time when I said that I would only ship characters with OCs in this fic? Not a joke. Well…it was a joke, but also accurate. Kenshin was originally supposed to be a one-off character with maybe one appearance. Unfortunately, having an Anbu with an amusing gimmick was just too tempting, and Kenshin/Owl's role was greatly expanded. After several scenes and a budding romance with the Sakuras, our plans to casually disappear him during the time skip suddenly seemed really mean.

In early discussions, the epilogue would have included the lines: "Sakura married Ino's cousin and bore him two healthy sons—Takada and Inner Takada. Then it turned out that Ino never had a cousin. Sakura Yamanaka remained single well into her twenties."

* * *

**My Friend Danzo**

When dealing with life's disappointments, it's important to spend time with your friends. After he wasn't allowed to become Hokage, Sarutobi really leans on his best friend Danzo.

In canon, Danzo is haunted by the fact that he could have become Hokage, if only he'd been just a little braver. In this AU, Danzo is haunted by the fact that he never could have been Hokage because the Second's wishes were totally disregarded.

Two geniuses, ambitious and bitter, share their dreams for the future of the village and plan a coup. Scratch that. A glorious rebellion.

Scratch it again. It never happened.

When Sarutobi is in his twenties and had been the Hokage for _many years,_ of course Danzo is his trusted adviser. Yes, he's not as deferential as he perhaps should be. Yes, he's a bit overzealous when encouraging patriotism. Yes, he sometimes goes off on his own and creates new enemies of the state.

We put up with a lot from our childhood friends. Eventually, though, Danzo inevitably goes too far.

Maybe he creates his own small pocket of ninja loyal only to him.

Maybe he orders the Uchiha Massacre.

Maybe he goes after little Naruto.

Regardless, his transgression cannot be overlooked, and when a man with that much influence commits treason, there is only one fitting punishment. Ironically, it's one he invented.


End file.
